Dumped and dazed and I am angry

[MaggieThisntha]

I have written my story in a previous thread (yesterday). My emotions however are now shifting from deep grief to anger.

 

My partner of 3 years left me for a second time 3 months ago and blamed it all on me. He said I did not support or respect him and he got nothing but pain with me. He said he gave me his all but i tortured him. He said he wanted a future with me but i made it all bitter for him. I stressed him out.

 

What did i do? Well I can't remember exactly what i did the first year honestly but he broke up with me almost 3 times !!(third was at new years). He said i stressed him out. He cheated on me just before breaking up with me so when he came back and i found out...... i had been pushing for comittment this time and fought with him. He didn't like that.....that stressed him out.

 

Since he left I have been in a dark hole much worse than last time. I have been blaming myself for all the nagging and unsupportive behaviour and so much more. I am crushed. I unfriended him on facebook and he blocked me on messenger and calling. I apologised nonstop for 2 weeks for all the mistakes via sms, email but he ignored me. I then did not contact him for 2 months but then contacted him over xmas. He did not reply.

I then wrote him an email addressing all the issues he had raised in the break-up email. I tried to tell him he was mistaken.

He did not reply.

The only thing he did was unblock me on viber (not even sure though )

I think he's moved on.

 

Today I am furious. I want to write to him and tell him that he was dishonest. He never really tried to make me his confidante. He expected me to read his mind and held grudges. The typical nice guy. Never said anything hurtful but never opened up either. Then he said it got too much and left. He promised me marriage....asked me to marry him and then changed his mind. He went on a break saying he would come back and then broke up. He never tried to let me in. I want to tell him that he broke my heart.

 

I dont know if i should though. Is there a point? Is it going to do more damage than good.

 

Im so jealous that hes moved on. The way we kissed and held each other.....hes doing with someone else.

 

Its new years eve tomorrow and im without my soulmate.

 

Why did this happen. Was my push for marriage unforgiveable?

[limichelle]

This is not your fault and you holding onto his toxic behavior is not healthy. You need to not contact him he obviously is not a great catch with the cheating and etc...

 

I wouldn't give him much thought to be honest use that anger for something else such as journaling or something creative.

 

It will be okay.

 

Lisa

[Lox]

I'm going through a pretty similar situation. My boyfriend broke up with me almost two weeks ago "because he wasn't sure about us and wanted time to think" and I found out on Christmas he immediately started seeing a coworker. He was also the typical nice guy. He always pretended everything was okay until it wasn't. We still talked a little until I found out about her; then I became the villain because he happened to be at her house when I said it hurt that he would move on so quickly after so long together.

I'm still angry, hurt, and I'm not even close to being over him (and he still has a good bit of my things he claims he'll return but won't answer).

He never gave us a chance and just gave up as soon as someone better came along.

I've been saving a lot of thought catalog and tango articles to help me. So I'll just tell you what I've been telling myself: you are better off without someone who isn't sure about you. Angry letters he won't respond to will only make you hang on longer. He's not going to give you the answers you want. If he's like my ex, he's probably too much of a coward.

It is miserable, but it is what it is.

[rosecolored108]

No your push for marriage was not unforgiveable. You guys were dating for three years, and, from what I can recall in your other post, you are in your 30s?

 

You have a vision of what you want. Don't apologize, and this is not your fault.

 

It is better you guys didn't get married anyway. He sounds kind of like a mess...who doesn't know what he wants.

 

Do not write that letter. And if you do, do not send it to him. It will make you look extremely needy and desperate. You need to move on...

 

He made the decision to end things; he did it in a crappy way, but it is done.

 

I know how hurt you must be. My ex pulled the whole "I need space thing" after 8 years together.

 

It was devastated, but, as I moved forward, I realized all the reasons that it didn't work...we had a lot of problems, and the relationship would have imploded one way or another. We had some major issues, such as communication and trust issues etc. He also pulled the whole "I am not ready for marriage," and the fact is, I wanted to get married. I am better off we didn't. Things really do happen for a reason sometimes.

 

It did not help that he starting seeing someone (though not "officially" until a year after we broke up) soon after the break-up. I know what it is like to feel jealous and not good enough...

 

The thing is though continuing with someone like that is not going to lead to a happy and fulfilling life. You have to ask yourself why would you want someone who doesn't fully want you back. That doesn't work.

 

This post break-up stuff is going to hurt, but, trust me, if you allow yourself to heal, you will.

 

There are tons of people in this world; if you think this is the only guy that can make you happy, you are wrong. How do you know this is your "soulmate?"

 

Work on being independent and growing; it is natural to be angry, but don't take it out on your ex; you will look petty. You need to be better than that.

 

Take this time to be on your own. Develop your interests and accomplish your goals. You can live a satisfying life, if you try!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you were on vastly different pages and life stages. You want marriage, family, a step parent, settling down, etc. and he wants freedom, independence and no marriage, no kids in the way, no built in family, etc.

 

He was just too young for and not right for you. It's a blessing he left and you are not burdened with a wholly incompatible partner. Now you are free to pursue men in your own life stage, maybe a fellow single parent who wants a family life.

He's 30,4 years younger. I thought we were ok and marriage was the only issue we had. I also have a child that he felt would get in the way of his future aspirations. I would get emotional and he would hold grudges.

[ParisPaulette]

Typical hot/cold cheater behavior to blame the other person instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. I'm sorry, but your part in this mess and the only thing you've done wrong is not dump the guy after the second time he broke things off with you. He's toxic, admit it, admit you gave this guy way too many chances, and he will never admit what he's done because for him that would mean self-reflection. And a**hats don't do self-reflection or admitting and taking responsibility or they couldn't keep doing what they like to do - cheat, mistreat others, blame it all on someone else.

 

You're ascribing this guy to being more self-aware and having empathy than he has. First step, admit he doesn't either think or feel like you do. Second step, admit there is something about the drama and ups and downs that attracts and is addictive to you. Third step, decide when you're done with it all and what it is you have to do get him forever out of your life, heal, work on yourself and move on.

 

Fourth, decide never to go this route with someone again. Period. They cheat? It's over. They blame you for everything in the relationship, even the things they did? It's over. They blow two chances and want a third? It's over. Put some standards there, face your life on your own and make it something good on your own steam without depending on someone else to do that for you, and walk away from toxicity any time you see it in others no matter how much it hurts or how much you want to excuse it.

 

And you will do just fine. You learn to trust yourself enough that when you see someone else isn't going to be a good partner, they're gone regardless, because your life and the people in it are good enough you do not need someone sucking the air out of the room.

 

That's what you do about that. My ex as this guy. To this day he will still try to contact me to beg for yet another chance out of one corner of his mouth while trying to "blame me" and tell me his cheating was all in my head. This is in spite of friends catching him the act, me catching him the act, two other women that I know of dumping him for cheating on them after they caught him in the act. And yet to him he is still the put-upon victim who is falsely accused.

 

I say screw this guy, so what if you "tortured" him by expecting he have some standards of behaving decently to someone he claimed to love? That's his problem isn't it. Yours is to find out why you put up with it for so long and how to break that pattern. And part of that means you treat him like an addiction and you break the addiction, because there comes a point in a toxic relationship where it no longer is a normal relationship, it's an addiction to something else far darker. It's jut they're your drug of choice to escape instead of the bottle or the drugs. You still need to break the addiction, because it will damage you regardless.

 

See a therapist, check out a few self-help books on toxic relationships and why people choose them and choose to stay with them, block and delete him and don't look back even if he shows up for yet one more "try." It's done, be thankful you're free, give yourself enough time and space from him to see he did you the hugest favor in the world by going. And keep it that way. Good luck.

 

As someone who has been there and finally got it after six months of him not in my life. My only regret is I waited six years instead of the six months when I knew it was toxic and I should dump him out of my life.

[browser]

Are you familiar with the expression "Don't rent him space in your head"?

 

I think you get the idea.. he's just not worth wasting your time on.

[catfeeder]

I want to write to him and tell him [...]

 

I dont know if i should though. Is there a point? Is it going to do more damage than good.

 

No, there's no point AND it will do damage to your head. Once you put that out there, you'll wish you could take it back, and then you'll only have regret on top of embarrassment for demonstrating to him that you're not further along in your healing today.

 

That's not to imply that you 'should' be further along. Everyone heals at their own pace. Given your point about envying ex's progress, it would be a huge mistake to send anything written during a time of angry rumination. That would only position you for a setback from your own healing every time you recall sending it and cringe at the thought.

 

Spare yourself the future humiliation. Talk yourself out of contact in the same manner you'd talk yourself out of driving when you'd been drinking.

 

Instead, you can write to these boards or to the Journal section of the forum. I'd make it a point to purge that stuff but end your missive with positive steps you intend to take in your own life. The goal is NOT to dig yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

I'd make it my own private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this. I'd move my focus onto my career, my studies, my interests, my social life, my neglected relationships with friends and family. I'd stretch to explore new interests and make new friends. I'd do whatever it takes to avoid mind spinning myself into deeper despair, and instead I'd use my intelligence to talk myself through this. I'd trust that if the two of you were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, you'll meet on higher ground someday--but you'll both need to climb to that place on your own.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[MaggieThisntha]

No, there's no point AND it will do damage to your head. Once you put that out there, you'll wish you could take it back, and then you'll only have regret on top of embarrassment for demonstrating to him that you're not further along in your healing today.

 

That's not to imply that you 'should' be further along. Everyone heals at their own pace. Given your point about envying ex's progress, it would be a huge mistake to send anything written during a time of angry rumination. That would only position you for a setback from your own healing every time you recall sending it and cringe at the thought.

 

Spare yourself the future humiliation. Talk yourself out of contact in the same manner you'd talk yourself out of driving when you'd been drinking.

 

Instead, you can write to these boards or to the Journal section of the forum. I'd make it a point to purge that stuff but end your missive with positive steps you intend to take in your own life. The goal is NOT to dig yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

I'd make it my own private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this. I'd move my focus onto my career, my studies, my interests, my social life, my neglected relationships with friends and family. I'd stretch to explore new interests and make new friends. I'd do whatever it takes to avoid mind spinning myself into deeper despair, and instead I'd use my intelligence to talk myself through this. I'd trust that if the two of you were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, you'll meet on higher ground someday--but you'll both need to climb to that place on your own.

 

Head high, you can do this.

 

Too late.

I already messaged him and asked to meet to clarify some things from the past.

 

He didn't reply.

 

I feel miserble and rejected

[browser]

Too late.

I already messaged him and asked to meet to clarify some things from the past.

 

He didn't reply.

 

I feel miserble and rejected

 

That's ok just don't do it again. Over time you'll regain your confidence and the misery will fade because you will have an established track record of being strong.

[Jibralta]

Was my push for marriage unforgiveable?

 

Not at all. You have to ask for what you want in life. That's fair. It let him know what you were thinking and gave him the opportunity to make informed decisions.

 

He didn't ask for what he wanted, and then held a grudge against you for not reading his mind. That's unfair. It kept you in the dark and robbed you of the ability to act effectively.

 

Little wonder that you are confused and hurt.

[MaggieThisntha]

Not at all. You have to ask for what you want in life. That's fair. It let him know what you were thinking and gave him the opportunity to make informed decisions.

 

He didn't ask for what he wanted, and then held a grudge against you for not reading his mind. That's unfair. It kept you in the dark and robbed you of the ability to act effectively.

 

Little wonder that you are confused and hurt.

 

Looking back at his emails, he believes he tried to tell me.

He wanted to race, i opposed it initially then said okay do it, you do your thing and ill do mine and then we'll do common things we both like. But he actually wanted me to be with hin when he raced. I didn't understand how important it was to him. Maybe he didn't say it clearly maybe i didnt hear him. Im so confused. I don't want to let go of him but if hes with somone new, its too late right? ?

[sourhearts]

Hey, I've been reading your threads. I'm kinda on the same boat as you. 3 year relationship just ended on Friday and it isn't the first time, but I'm pretty sure that this is the real deal.

 

Anyway, back on topic. Whether he's seeing someone else or not, it doesn't matter. No broad he just met can erase what you guys shared the last 3 years. Stick with NC. I'm on day 2, the longest I've ever gone was 2 weeks and that was because he reached out to me wanting to rekindle. When's the last time you reached out to him?? You really need to stick to your guns. You're not the only one out there. I'm here with you. Be strong.