Meeting my ex for coffee

[Backup39]

Hi all,

 

I am supposed to meet my ex for coffee/brunch and I was hoping for some advice.

 

We broke up roughly 3 months ago after dating almost a year (she broke up with me). At the time she said she didn't know if she still loved me and felt like she wasn't respected in the relationship. We almost never fought and the break up really came as a shock to me since she never brought anything up before this. At the time we were temporarily living together, which made things harder. I moved out immediately but we saw each other twice within the first month of the breakup to exchange items. During the first month I was a mess and sent the occasional drunk text (telling her I miss her and want to get back together). Shat made it worse is the vacation we planned together was during the time. Something I looked forward to for months.

 

During the exchange we talked for about 2 hours both times. We both aired things out and fought a lot during those two meet ups. Some things I agreed with and some not. Looking back at it, I was too emotional and was pretty much begging for us to get back together. I went no contact after this time and we went about a month without talking until she texted me in early/mid December. Small talk nothing big.

 

Then about a week ago she asked if I want to get coffee or brunch (something I suggested 2 months ago when I saw her but never brought back up). Over the no contact period I tried to work and focus on myself. I achieved some goals I set and am still working on others. I did go on a few dates during the period but realized I wasn't ready for another relationship. I have thought about her less and less but admit I still have feelings for her. After a friendly back and forth I agreed to get brunch.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your help.

[gebaird]

Let her see your confidence, and don't be attached to any outcomes. It's just brunch, and perhaps nothing will come of it, but something could. Avoid any fighting and don't spend any time in deeply emotional territory (blaming, I want you back, etc.) Just make it a meeting between a guy and a girl, a positive interaction. Let her take the lead in the conversation and if you find an opportunity, tell her (without bragging) how much healing and growth you've experienced in recent months. Don't apologize for your past mistakes -- instead, thank her for the good things you experienced while you were together. Tell her the good you see in her, and let her know you're willing to keep the lines of communication open.

[p123]

I recently saw an ex for a coffee, 2 months after the breakup. We saw each other a few weeks after we broke up and it ended in my trying to get her back and failing - then went no contact for a while to focus on healing. By the time we met for coffee I was doing better and knew I could see her without bringing old things up.

 

My advice is to not reference the breakup at all and just enjoy each other's company and catch up - you want to go back to enjoying life, and enjoying hanging out again whether its together or not. Don't contrive to come across a certain way or to impress them etc, just talk about what you've been up to.

 

It's good to re-initiate contact. My coffee went really well and we got along great, she even sent me a text later that day. We didn't contact over Christmas, and I think she's trying to disengage a bit. If it goes well, don't expect that means anything has really changed, and just keep on focusing on yourself.

[Backup39]

Thanks for the advice. I'm definitely a little nervous which is to be expected. If this were to have take place 1-2 months ago I don't think I would have handled it well. But I'm in a much better place now.

[SooSad33]

IMO..... with all the hustle between you two in only the last 3 months... any idea of 'going on dates'.. does not go over well..

 

Why would you do that?

 

Was your aim not to 'work on yourself'? Improve.. between you and her?

 

Honestly, I feel that going on dates can only confuse you more.. no? ( Or was it, you were 'feeling lonely', etc, and wanted casual sex?)...

 

Either way.... tread lightly with her.

 

If there were issue's for your BU.... I'm not sure how far along any improvement has come.. in what sounds like a mixed up-- 3 months.

And, knowing you still have feelings for her.... do be cautious with what you say & present yourself with NO signs of expectations.. just don't go over board.

 

I guess, eventually you two will figure it out. probably more time needed.

 

Not sure what all ended things between you two?

[Wiseman2]

What are your goals with this? Friends? Reconciliation? Relationship postmortem? "Closure"? Try to keep it civil and avoid fights rehashing etc. Don't beg or convince her of your changes, etc. Relax and keep it casual and confident.

she asked if I want to get coffee.Over the no contact period I tried to work and focus on myself.

[Trinity11]

IMO..... with all the hustle between you two in only the last 3 months... any idea of 'going on dates'.. does not go over well..

 

Why would you do that?

 

Was your aim not to 'work on yourself'? Improve.. between you and her?

 

Honestly, I feel that going on dates can only confuse you more.. no? ( Or was it, you were 'feeling lonely', etc, and wanted casual sex?)...

 

Either way.... tread lightly with her.

 

If there were issue's for your BU.... I'm not sure how far along any improvement has come.. in what sounds like a mixed up-- 3 months.

And, knowing you still have feelings for her.... do be cautious with what you say & present yourself with NO signs of expectations.. just don't go over board.

 

I guess, eventually you two will figure it out. probably more time needed.

 

Not sure what all ended things between you two?

 

Perhaps it shouldnt be about that, I mean the OP has changed, but has the ex? It might not take just one person for this to work out positively but two. I dont know the circumstances, but I know if i ever got to this stage, I would be careful to see if possible what changes they have made in their lives. For my, my issue with my ex is that they didn't communicate their feelings at the time they felt it, and it led to a negative feeling about me. Hard to judge that from a coffee...but that would be my condition to want to go back into something, as much as i would love for them to take me back, it won't work unless they are in it 100% too.

[GeekLover]

Honestly, I feel that going on dates can only confuse you more.. no? ( Or was it, you were 'feeling lonely', etc, and wanted casual sex?)...

 

I see nothing wrong with going on dates when he was NC with his ex and they were officially broken up. It sounds like the OP was trying to work through the break up and find himself again, and if that means going on dates, then so be it. We all have our methods for dealing with heartache: dates, therapy, working out, new hobbies, etc... NC is a time for self discovery. He should not be sitting around pining over his ex, even if he's hoping for reconciliation. Perhaps by going on some dates, it has helped to give him some sort of confidence and clarity which he lost from losing someone important in his life.

[Backup39]

Hi.

 

Thanks for the word of advice. To those who asked the purpose of dating after the fact, I admitted it was too soon. But at the time thought it would help the healing process.

 

Most of my achievements have been career wise. I'm an accountant and have been studying for my CPA. Studying plauged our relationship as it hindered the amount of time I would see my ex. I.e study after work till 10pm and on Saturdays. When we broke up I created a goal to pass the damn thing. I finished its and promoted at work. I have also started going to the gym, slowly but surely. And expressing myself more.

 

We met for brunch today. I arrived early to calm my nerves. My hand was shaking uncontrollably. When she got there, gave her a hug and we started catching up. Taking about what's new and how we were doing. She travels a lot for work so we talked about that which gave me the opportunity to bring up some of the memorable trips we took. Overall it was a good catch up. I avoided any relationship talk and things of that nature.

 

I kept it about an hour and made the first move in leaving as I had plans after brunch. We hugged each other goodbye and left.

 

Wondering what my next move is? I'm still attracted to her and would like to give it another shot but don't have any expectations. Thanks.

[browser]

I'm thinking she missed you a bit but the lunch date confirmed her decision to kick you to the curb.

 

My suggestion- don't meet up with her and don't contact her. If she reaches out to you politely tell her that you'd rather not see her or speak with her unless she's interested in giving reconciliation another opportunity. Otherwise you'll either find yourself waiting around for the next lunch date or allowing her to drag you around like a lost puppy dog.

[p123]

I don't think it's easy to conclude anything based on your anecdote.

 

Great to be back in contact. Now just keep focusing on yourself and don't let your head turn too much!!