Moving in?

[aal24]

Hey guys, I've posted on here before and I've gotten good advice for a previous situation but didn't exactly follow it. My last post was about my boyfriend of 2 years now not wanting to get married. We've since talked about it and he has said that he sees marriage in our future if we are together for a few more years. For me that is all fine, but I've now come to a new problem. He and I will be both attending a master's degree program at the same school which will take two years to complete. For what I would say is mainly financial reasons, we decided that it might be best to live together. We made this agreement awhile ago, but I'm just now starting to get cold feet about it. My biggest concern is that I might lose some of my independence, as well as I fear getting too close to him because we are not sure where either of us may go after this master's program is complete since we both want to get doctorates, which may break us up because we have both agreed we would not want to have a long distance relationship. I'm in need of some good, impartial advice because I honestly don't know the best way to go from here.

[melancholy123]

If you are that serious about him then you should take the opportunity to live with him and see how it goes. You may get along just fine, or you may not. Better to find out before you marry him!

[Andrina]

After 2 years together, if you've both decided that in the future you two would rather break up than do long distance, I can't see that you really love each other. People who truly love each other would attempt to make it work no matter the circumstances and couldn't fathom not being together.

 

You speak of being independent versus building a beautiful life together. He says IF we're together in a few more years he'd consider marriage. Doesn't sound too confident to me. You fear giving your whole heart to him and letting your guard down. That's no way to be in a relationship after the length of time you've already invested into it. Nothing about what you describe shouts "I'm crazy about you," to me. Sounds pretty mediocre. I'd probably be single and concentrate on my education.

[Snny]

For what I would say is mainly financial reasons, we decided that it might be best to live together. We made this agreement awhile ago, but I'm just now starting to get cold feet about it. My biggest concern is that I might lose some of my independence...

No, you both are not ready to move in together. It is a huge commitment move, and the reasons you stated are for the wrong reasons.

[aal24]

How should I go about telling him that I don't know if moving in is the right decision? He seems very excited about it, and from my previous reactions to it he thinks I'm very excited as well. I feel like I'm going to be letting him down, and I'm a little worried he might get so upset that he might want to end things, which I'm not sure if I'm ready for.

[Andrina]

It's always better to be honest about your thoughts and feelings. If the relationship is on such shaky ground that you fear he will end things, then it means he was willing to bail without doing everything in his power to make things work. So be it. It's for the best. If you're not honest and go for what he alone wants, your bottled up feelings will eventually come out in an explosion when living together isn't as rosy as you both wanted. Looking from the outside in, I believe you fear change and being alone versus his being the love of your life.

[Snny]

You are going to be incredibly busy with completing a master's program. You have to maintain high grades (no Cs or below) or you get rejected from the program. Sharing a place together is going to be very distracting. I got married while in graduate school and the first year of my marriage was very difficult- between making time with my new husband (even though we've known each other for 10 years prior) and managing time for school, research, group projects (grad school LOVES doing group projects more than bachelor level courses) internship AND a 20+ page dissertation paper. If you thought a bachelor's degree was hard, you haven't seen anything yet. Just wait until you get through master's program and the amount of scrutiny and rigor you are up against.

 

I seriously, seriously do not recommend being in a highly committed relationship while in graduate school unless you have dated your SO for several years. You will hardly have any time together because you are devoting yourself to school. Limited time together takes a toll on relationships. I was also in a 2 year graduate program with full time classes... I ended up taking 2.5 years to graduate because limited course availability during semesters (500 course levels are limited to certain Fall/Spring semesters because enrollment numbers for graduate school are not high) and there was a huge hiccup with my internship schedule that I had to be delayed to another semester. That commonly happens in masters programs, so if you graduate with only 2 years, you are extremely lucky.

 

So if you want your fun and freedom, you won't get it from moving in together. Not with grad school.

[browser]

Do some searching online and read articles about whether or not the time is right to move in together.

 

There are some great articles with questions to ask yourself.

 

One of the common points made is:

 

NEVER MOVE IN PRIMARILY FOR FINANCIAL REASONS.

 

 

 

 

[Capricorn3]

Remember one thing: Once you move in, marriage will pretty much be off the table forever. Why? Because he'll get really comfortable and see no reason to get married because "well, what's the difference? we're together aren't we?". If marriage is important to you, I recommend you don't move in. If not, then no harm done. Just something to think about.

[PrayingmantisX]

I lived with all my G's. I never thought about marrying any. We even have had children. I refused to commit.