Advice with No Contact Rule

[Pottig]

Hi guys. I'll try and keep this short.

 

In a nutshell, my girlfriend (22) of 16 months and I (23m) broke up on the 20th December because she has been having an increasingly stressful time with her postgraduate course. It has got to the point now where it has affected her so much that she has not only decided to quit her teacher training, but also break up with me. There are other difficulties in her life affecting her decision to break up with me, but that is the main one.

 

As a couple, we were great together. We didn't argue any more than is normal. We still love each other (she told me she does and still has feelings for me). And we were both emotional about the whole thing. The problem, she says, is she doesn't have the right mindset or the strength to commit to a relationship at the moment because her head is "smashed", to use her own words. There is no other motive here. There is no other guy. She is not using this as an excuse to let me down easily. I know her too well now to know if she is lying, and she is not. Quite simply, it is all on her. She says I haven't done anything wrong, and have been fantastic as a lover and a friend to her. But when I last saw her on the 20th, she was in a very bad place. So much so that I confess I was very worried about her.

 

Anyway, I am now 10 days into No Contact (NC) with her. We didn't formally agree to stop contacting one another, but the situation is still too tender for us to speak yet, as I'm sure you all understand, so I think there is a sort of mutual understanding. I am having trouble deciding whether to continue with NC in this situation, however. I understand that the primary purpose of NC is to help the dumpee recover, but I love this girl and she loves me, and I believe there is a good chance of us being able to pick up where we left off once she is in a better place emotionally.

 

When I last saw/spoke to her, I told her that I would of course be here for her if she ever needed me and if/when she comes back to me. But in not contacting her, I sort of feel like she might be getting the wrong message from me. The rational part of me knows that she is acknowledging me giving her the space she desires for a while, that she understands that we both need time to recover from the breakup. The other part of me, though, feels like she is gutted that I am neglecting her, or just don't care about her in not talking.

 

I understand NC achieves its aims in many scenarios, but here I feel as if it is the wrong context to use it. On the 22nd I messaged her friend in private to ask her to keep an eye on her for me. She told me that she'd be OK and that my ex would 'appreciate my love and support'. Again, in utilising NC am I shying away from giving her my love and support, or am I helping her in giving her space for a month? Part of me wants to wait out the 4 weeks without contacting her, but the other part of me feels the need to break NC after 2 weeks just to check up on her and see if she's OK.

 

I'd appreciate your opinions on this. If you need anymore details on the situation I will be happy to provide them. Thanks guys.

[Wiseman2]

Listen to her, not her friend. She asked for space and knows how to reach out to you if she wanted to. Try not to hover or smother. Let her sort herself out and wait for her to reach out.

[Pottig]

Thanks man. I'm confident she will reach out to me at some point, or at least be receptive to me when I leave the NC period, but I think that continuing to give her space is the right way to go too. I'm not one to be too clingy.

[catfeeder]

I understand that the primary purpose of NC is to help the dumpee recover, but ...

 

Naaah. That's only half the purpose. The other half is ignored by the most cynical: it's to allow time and distance to do their job for BOTH people.

 

NC is your percentage play. You can trust that if the two of you were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, you'll both meet on higher ground again at some point--but you'll both need to reach that place on your own.

 

That means grieving and healing to make the climb, not hovering in stagnation. When someone leaves you at some point, it's to move themselves forward--so attempts to keep them anchored to the very place of the problems they want to move away from is a losing move.

 

Instead, I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this. I'd consider any bouts of boo-hoos with my tissue box natural, even while I'd move my focus onto building my career, my health, my social life, my relationships with family and friends who I've neglected along with making new friends and cultivating new interests.

 

Either way, you win, because it allows for the time ex needs to reflect on you and your good times fondly (rather than keeping her tied to time of the problem) while giving her the space to operate freely and iron out her own issues. If you tamper with that prematurely, you'll blow any shot you have at reconciliation in the future being HER idea. It needs to come from her, organically. If you involve yourself by trying to play friendzies, you'll circumvent that outcome.

 

The other way you win if you move yourself forward is that you've moved yourself forward. The new you gets to live a new life, and if ex will be curious and attracted to anything about you, it will be that.

 

Head high.

[Pottig]

Naaah. That's only half the purpose. The other half is ignored by the most cynical: it's to allow time and distance to do their job for BOTH people.

 

NC is your percentage play. You can trust that if the two of you were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, you'll both meet on higher ground again at some point--but you'll both need to reach that place on your own.

 

That means grieving and healing to make the climb, not hovering in stagnation. When someone leaves you at some point, it's to move themselves forward--so attempts to keep them anchored to the very place of the problems they want to move away from is a losing move.

 

Instead, I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this. I'd consider any bouts of boo-hoos with my tissue box natural, even while I'd move my focus onto building my career, my health, my social life, my relationships with family and friends who I've neglected along with making new friends and cultivating new interests.

 

Either way, you win, because it allows for the time ex needs to reflect on you and your good times fondly (rather than keeping her tied to time of the problem) while giving her the space to operate freely and iron out her own issues. If you tamper with that prematurely, you'll blow any shot you have at reconciliation in the future being HER idea. It needs to come from her, organically. If you involve yourself by trying to play friendzies, you'll circumvent that outcome.

 

The other way you win if you move yourself forward is that you've moved yourself forward. The new you gets to live a new life, and if ex will be curious and attracted to anything about you, it will be that.

 

Head high.

 

Great advice, thanks

 

I confess that I sent her a text when I woke up today that said: "Happy new year I hope you're doing OK x" and she replied instantly with "Thank you, you too with no kiss, but that is understandable given how soon after the breakup it is. That tells me she still cares enough to reply straight away and that she doesn't hold my no contact against me, which is important.

 

I feel guilty breaking No Contact, but I'll go back to it again for a couple of weeks. The ball is in her court now. I have some work experience related to my career coming up so that should keep me occupied for a week.