He left me.

[Bear2289]

So I was dating a guy for a little bit over a year. He was everything I wanted. We had so many things in common. He was my best friend. However, he had this problem with over thinking things. He was always convinced that I'd leave him or lose interest in him or that he wasn't the "best" for me. He had this way of turning everything around on me and just being hypocritical. Cut to Christmas eve night, everything seemed normal, he helped me out with a couple things, we started watching a movie and then he was breaking up with me. My issue now is that he's still messaging me, he wants to "clear something up" and mentioned how weird it was not messaging each other. He tells me he misses me and still loves me but seems set in his decision to leave me. I guess I just don't understand what is happening here. I straight out asked him if he regretted his choice last night and he refused to answer the question. I told him to no longer contact me because I need to let go and if he does contact me it's because he's looking towards reconciling. Opinions?

[thinkin2much]

You must be feeling so shocked and hurt right now---it totally sucks. It's even worse when you know that he has strong feelings for you and don't feel convinced that even HE thinks it's the right choice. I think that the thing to remember is that, while it seemed out of the blue to you, he had to have been considering breaking up and thinking about it for some amount of time. Then, he made the choice to do it. He now feels like he needs to see that through, for whatever his reasons were. The more you are able to allow him the space to do that, the better off you will both be. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and it doesn't mean that he might not come back. But, he might not have been feeling good about himself in the relationship and he felt like he expressed that to you and it wasn't getting better (I'm just guessing here). Don't disappear on him! Give him space, but he needs to know that you care if you do---especially if that was an issue in your relationship. Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Good idea to go no contact. Do you think he's testing the waters elsewhere?

 

What were his reasons for the breakup? Were they vague like space etc or specific like too much arguing,etc.?

 

Is "clearing things up" some excuse to keep texting?

Christmas eve night, everything seemed normal, he helped me out with a couple things, we started watching a movie and then he was breaking up with me. My issue now is that he's still messaging me, he wants to "clear something up" and mentioned how weird it was not messaging each other. He tells me he misses me and still loves me but seems set in his decision to leave me.

[Bear2289]

Thank you for the reply. I've always tried my best to build him up and to be sure he knows that I care. If he did want to come back, I'm not even sure the damage he did will be repairable. It's suffering to think he didn't actually want to do it, it would have been easier if he had given me a reason to hate him or something.

[Bear2289]

Wiseman

 

His reasoning was that he felt I never trusted him. The problem is that I did. I didn't in the beginning because I don't trust easy for reasons haha. But eventually he earned it but when I'd ask if he was working late or ask him to message me when leaving a place he would take that as me questioning him. (He has a driving job which requires him to hit the highway daily and we live in Canada so right now they are icy) I was genuinely worried and he never believed that was my reasoning. I don't think he'd be testing the waters because he isn't like that at all. He also said I never answer his questions but I started to feel like it was because I wouldn't say exactly what he wanted me to.

 

I thought it was an excuse to text me because he started that conversation with how weird it was not texting each other then asked if I had time to talk and "it wouldn't take long" but he never did tell me why he wanted to talk after I eventually gave in to it. Just said he wanted to "clear something up"

[Bear2289]

Sorry didn't know how to reply to you specifically haha

[MissCanuck]

OP, you mentioned he turned things around on you and was hypocritical - can you elaborate on what these things were? What caused issues between the two of you during the relationship?

[Bear2289]

My issues in it used to be him needing time for himself because I'm not the kind of person that NEEDS time alone but he is. I started to understand where he was coming from but he didn't believe I was okay with it and thought I didn't respect it.

 

Another example would be if I felt slightly suspicious of something and was thinking irrationally, he'd say I didn't trust him yet he once looked through my phone while I was sleeping and would question me. For some reason he demanded my trust while not trusting me but would come up with excuses for his behavior in that regard. I just started to think that once he made his mind up I had no say otherwise. If I'd say something like "I feel like you think this way...." he'd be like "don't tell me what I think or how I feel". Well, I wasn't heh just said I feel that's how he thought or felt.

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like he could be projecting. Perhaps there was good reason not to trust him.

 

In any event, this relationship sounds tiring. Seems you were damned if you did, damned if you didn't. I'd just let him go.

[Bear2289]

I'm not sure. He truly seemed worthy of my trust

[mfrankie1]

I'm not sure. He truly seemed worthy of my trust

 

But he went through your phone while you were asleep?

 

He rejected your feelings and explanations when you said why you text him to ask where he was after work etc, he seems to refuse to believe you. He doesn't trust you and yet you trust him?

 

I would say he's projecting about something and would go no contact.

[Bear2289]

No contact is going to be so hard.

[Wiseman2]

It's the best thing for many reasons. It helps you heal and reflect in a neutral state of mind. Particularly since he alluded to clinyness or trust issues, this will be the best thing to do..

No contact is going to be so hard.

[Bear2289]

It's the best thing for many reasons. It helps you heal and reflect in a neutral state of mind. Particularly since he alluded to clinyness or trust issues, this will be the best thing to do..

 

But I actually had to ask him to stop contacting me. Because he has been emailing me, texting and slipping notes under my door. (We are neighbors in an apartment complex to complicate things heh). I told him this morning that if he messages me I take that as reconciliation or the want for it and he had told me he did consider trying it again. I'm anxious over here wondering if his ring tone is gonna go off on my phone. This is such a crummy feeling

[MissCanuck]

He sounds a little...off.

 

He broke up with you, yet is slipping notes under your door? He thinks you don't trust him, yet he's digging through your phone while you are asleep?

 

Warning bells should be clanging. There is something very strange about him.

[Bear2289]

My mom suggested he may be emotionally abusive so I called our local women's crisis hotline and described some things to them. Had it confirmed by a professional that that's exactly what he is. I'm finding it easier to be angry now.

[Hollyj]

You need to block this guy. The relationship sounds like a hell of a lot of work.

 

What do the notes say?

[Bear2289]

You need to block this guy. The relationship sounds like a hell of a lot of work.

 

What do the notes say?

 

My friend actually got them and I did not see them as I was sleeping. She said they were saying things like he loves me and misses me. When I had expressed to him that it hurt for him to do that after leaving me he was like "so I'm an for saying I miss you?". His email was full of memories together and how he wishes we would have gotten to other plans we made and how he looked forward to doing those things in the future etc. I did not receive any contact from him last night so it seems at least for now he's respecting my need for no contact.

[Bear2289]

Sorry, his reply has a swear in there haha the site blocked out a**hole

[catfeeder]

I agree that you need time alone to question whether this was a viable relationship for you in the first place. Secondly, I agree that reconciling is questionable even if he wants to, because breakups are not a reasonable way to solve problems. This puts you on a future eggshell walk over a tightrope, because what's to ensure that he won't just break up again if you step 'out of line'?

 

That kind of threat hanging over you is no way to live.

 

 

Not saying that this was the cause for his breakup, but in future relationships, I wouldn't do this. Telling someone your assumptions about how they feel is infuriating. It challenges people to prove a negative, and it comes off as manipulative rather than caring. Instead, put your feelings into the form of a question, "Do you feel this way?" or "Can you tell me how you feel about this?" That demo's curiosity and a concern about their feelings rather than hostility, and it has a far better chance of getting you the conversation you want rather than hostility in return.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[MissCanuck]

OP, I had an ex who did crap like this. He'd end it, then send me weird "reminders" of the good times we'd spent together. It was just bizarre and started to creep me out.

 

This was but a manifestation of much deeper problems he had. Believe me when I say it didn't lead anywhere good. You're going to be much better off without him.

[Erica1971]

Go look up borderline personality disorder and think bout the things he has done and said within ur relationship it sounds like he has it even if its a mild case it will help U heal and even if u dont think that might be it still helps to read up on disorders like BPD & NPD it will help u avoid a lot of heartache in the future trust me... if i had known 20 years ago what i know now...😣

[Erica1971]

And i am sorry u r going thru this luv it is important to not break NC especially if u even think he might have a disorder of sum kind so stay strong and look to a better new year 🎉🎊

[Bear2289]

Thanks for the replies. After I got distant for a bit, he started pursuing harder. I gave in, talked to him on the phone for two hours and we ended up deciding we would take things slow and see how it goes from there. The next day, he hardly contacted me, I'm talking like two texts all day. I messaged him and started it with "not sure if you want to hear from me..." he replied with "of course I do, thought we covered that, why would you question that?" The next day once again, didn't hear from him much at all. After a quick talk he told me "I don't know what I want" so I texted him that I'm going to take a step back. Never got a reply and haven't heard from him since. That text was sent 27 hours ago. I'm confused again hah

[Bear2289]

As erica1971 suggested, I looked up BPD and agreed to most of the characteristics he displayed as it being a possibility. As an update he will go through about two days of hardly contacting me then it will be extremely active one night then go back to pulling away. Thanks for opening my eyes to this! I have spent many hours researching BPD and have come to the conclusion that no contact absolutely is for the best. I just need to be prepared for what is about to come my way.