jealous and doesn't respect my time

[prettymuddy]

So…. I have a boyfriend who is the same age as me: 45yrs. I am a single WIDOWED Mom with 2 teenage daughters. One of my daughters is in the throws of college acceptance after applying to several schools and anyone who knows what whats that's like, knows the stress is ridiculous not only for them, but for the parent as well! I also have a new business that I am single handedly running with several employees, remodeling another house (single-handedly) and currently preparing to leave for XMAS vacation with my kids for two weeks on Sunday, all the while training two new employees to hold down the fort while I am gone…. That's just a fraction of what my schedule and life is like. Hard. Not to mention I have thyroid issues, and I'm pre-menopausal as well. Anyway, my boyfriend has never been married, never had ANY kids, comes from a different religious background and foreign country (South African, Jewish) but has lived in California, USA for 20 years (where we are both from so to speak) so he's not really foreign to anything major… We BOTH (me-n-kids included) currently live and work in the country of Costa Rica in separate residences. He was previously living for free in a condo nearby that a friend of his (who lives out of state) owned in exchange for maintenance, etc… He is self-employed, having used some of his savings from earlier investments to purchase a parcel of land intending to build a small boutique hotel on the property. It is LEGIT. I've seen the plans, know the architect, builder, etc… He IS making progress, albeit slowly because of land permits and logistical red-tape issues since we started dating 2 yrs. ago. He's not a liar, he doesn't borrow money from me or mooch of me in any way. Just to make it clear, he isn't a CON man or anything like that. So… He has no car (doesn't really need one where we live) and he has no "official" job, he has no "utility" payments or loan payments or anything really at all that he's financially responsible for at all. I, on the other hand juggle a FULL-TIME load way beyond the average girl that keeps me constantly busy. Because he lives such a simple life, he cannot relate to anyone else his age that's had a family, jobs, IRA accounts, utility bills, car payments, property taxes, kids' school tuitions, Dr. bills, medical insurance, etc.. Everything recreationally we do together (vacations, dinners… ) we agree to go "dutch" and pay for separately. This is my problem: He does not respect the time, nor the effort it takes me to maintain my lifestyle for my family and keep my head afloat financially running my business. It's a full-time job that requires a multitude of micromanagement on top of unforeseen unexpected occurrences and different daily variables that need attending to on a daily basis. He has been in South Africa for 3 weeks and not due back until mid-January. When he calls and I am busy or cannot answer, he es me out and calls me inconsiderate, etc… he is jealous and apparently bored less taking care of his ailing Father in SA, but nevertheless expects me to be available when he wants to talk. Nevermind the 8 hour time difference! I try to be accommodating and when I can't be I try to tell him the many things I had been doing at that/those moments that prevented me from communicating with him. He then accuses me of deliberately not answering his calls WHICH MAKES ME SO MAD AND RESENTFUL BECAUSE I SIMPLY COULDNT, ITS INFURIATING TO ME! How can I make him understand my position and be more understanding to what I HAVE GOING ON so he doesn't feel so neglected? OR…. Should I just say Goodbye and leave this relationship? It's getting really old, making me feel more resentful and less inclined to WANT to speak with him and causing me even more stress than i already have? So tired.

[j.man]

Yeah, so all the stuff with how busy you are and how busy you think he's not is irrelevant. Kinda just sounds like gloating. But busy at work or relaxing at home, no one is responsible to be at the other end of the phone waiting to talk. If he can't accept that it is what it is, move onto another man.

[mustlovedogs]

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone seems to take pride in how busy they are. Being busy does not make you superior, better, more well adjusted...

 

If you are so busy you can't handle your life, it is YOUR problem, not his. You are choosing all this responsibility and you can choose to reduce it somewhat - or remove him from your life.

 

Up to you. But that's the key: up to you because this is all your choice.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. He doesn't have to understand your plight, however that's not the issue. Is not about comparing his carefree life to the life of a single parent. It's about lack of respect on many levels, being verbally abusive and spoiled. Is he that way in person?

 

Now is a good time to plan your severance from him. He doesn't seem to be adding much to your life except vexation..Stop bothering to make him understand, he doesn't want to. Save your sanity, think about your kids and your future and get rid of this jerk.

When he calls and I am busy or cannot answer, he es me out and calls me inconsiderate, etc… He then accuses me of deliberately not answering his calls WHICH MAKES ME SO MAD AND RESENTFUL BECAUSE I SIMPLY COULDNT, ITS INFURIATING TO ME!

[Hollyj]

I'm exhausted reading about how "busy," you are. Many of your responsibilities are common, and I am surprised you found the need to write them all out.

"family, jobs, IRA accounts, utility bills, car payments, property taxes, kids' school tuitions, Dr. bills, medical insurance, etc.."

You're too BUSY, and do not sound compatible. Perhaps. you should find someone as BUSY, as you are.

[RainyCoast]

i honestly read your post with my eyes widening in amazement. i'm sorry to put it like this when you're already stressed, but it's a fact: you're not strained "beyond the average girl" lady, many people do what you do plus extra, and their day has no more hours in it than yours. no need to call your responsibilities

micromanagement on top of unforeseen unexpected occurrences and different daily variables

and his "apparently leaving him bored".

 

if you don't respect people with different levels of responsibility and intensity of work, aim for ones who match yours.

 

you're stressed and overworked and that can be sympathized with. but you sound angry and bitter. at who? is anyone forcing you into micromanagement and variables and phosphatidylserine-superimportantwords-eeemacarena? i understand forcing yourself for your future and your childrens but please don't forget that noone is dumping such a burden on you. it's noone's fault. i've fallen into that trap during certain phases and i shudder remembering the person i was to others. ugh.

 

he either gets it or not. i think a word was edited by the swear filter. if you said that he swears at you for not answering his calls, dump him yesterday.

 

it sounds like neither of you is very accomodating or able to understand and respect the other's position.

maybe you shouldn't force it.

[katrina1980]

 

Because he lives such a simple life, he cannot relate to anyone else his age that's had a family, jobs, IRA accounts, utility bills, car payments, property taxes, kids' school tuitions, Dr. bills, medical insurance, etc..

 

Well then you're even, cause apparently and obviously you cannot relate to his "simple life," so in that regard....

 

Should I just say Goodbye and leave this relationship?

 

YES!

 

There's no wrong or right, your respective lifestyles are just not compatible. Period, end of.

[hoegaandit]

I don't agree with those of the other posters who said basically that you are exaggerating how busy you are, perhaps as I am in not a dissimilar position with me doing the heavy lifting in the relationship and my partner living more for herself. Perhaps you are more stressed than usual now, so I think the first thing is to decide whether you definitely want to give it a go or not. If not, then break up. If you do want to give it a go, then get it through to him absolutely clearly that he needs to respect your position, or that will be it. Good luck and enjoy your break!

[yatsue]

Moreso than OP being a "haughty, busy mom and business woman", it is more of her being a legitimately busy person who doesn't like being accused of lying to her partner when she in actuality is telling the truth. Your bf is being very rude by doing this to you, although this is just the result of him not liking you making time for him. He could have definitely handled his feelings about this better, such as "honey, I feel like you don't make time for me and I would love for you to call me more to make an effort" not "you're lying about being busy aren't you?!"

 

Geez...how disrespectful...that would make anyone frustrated. I suggest you bring up such a resolution; try to call him or write etc when you can since this is long distance relationship.

[reinventmyself]

I guess it all boils down to.priorities and where he fits in in the scheme of things.

 

Some might see it differently and would choose to make this relationship a priority. It's obvious he doesn't feel like one and it doesn't make him unreasonable.

 

It's all a choice on how you choose to manage your life.

 

It's not right or wrong, but it may very well be a mismatch. Or at the very least, something you don't have room for at this time in your life.

 

I have been in similar situations as you and feeling annoyed that he didn't respect all that I had on my plate and thinking he should understand and compromise. He did and he found someone else who could meet his needs.

 

Lesson here is compromise should come from both sides. That's IF you want to keep this relationship.

[yatsue]

How often do you call him? Text? Anything communication-wise?

[catfeeder]

I understand what a pressure cooker feeling is like. I'd disabuse myself of the idea that it's my job to convert BF to be more understanding. I'd put it back on him to decide whether to be reasonable or not, and if not, I wouldn't make it my problem.

 

"Look, I adore you, and I'm counting on you to understand that I'm the one who's stressed and frazzled over here--you're not. You get to decide whether you trust me or not. If so, you can either come home and give me a hand, or you can occupy yourself constructively and be considerate of the 8 hour time difference. If you don't trust me, then you get to decide what you want to do about that. Either way, I love you."

 

Boom. Done. Wherever the chips fall after that is where they'd fall at some point, anyway. I'm not gonna play.

 

Head high.