Missing an ex that treated me badly

[Gentleman12]

Hi guys

 

First of all greetings of the season to you all!

 

I've never posted on a forum like this before but I don't know what to do.

 

I started seeing a girl on my uni course earlier this year. Things progressed amazingly and I genuinely thought this was the girl that I might settle down with. We declared exclusivity, but a week later I went away for the night and she went out and slept with someone else. She told me the next day.

 

Blinded by how much I liked this girl I gave her another chance (against many people's advice) after she literally begged me to. Things were good again until a week later she 'freaked out' about us and completely became bipolar with me-being affectionate when drunk or when she wanted it but at other times being distant and even ignoring my texts.

 

Things came to a head that weekend, when I found out some bad family news. The one person I told about it and asked to be there for me was her, but her response was 'oh sorry I'm too busy'. This left me home alone and in a bad way. Safe to say things ended as she said she's 'happier doing her own thing.'

 

Since the breakup I have tried to be civil as she is in my friends group, only for her to tell m to F off. This led to a week later us being on a night out together but me just letting her have own night, I didn't ignore her in a rude way. As I was heading home that night she left me abusive texts and voicemails calling me pathetic for ignoring her and ruining her night-I feel like I can't win.

 

So two questions here-1, what is my best approach seeing as I see her every day and every night out?

And 2, why do I still miss her? When I am alone I think about how good the good times were and the very real connection we had, and I wonder what could have been done differently, even though i know she was to blame.

 

Sorry for the long post but I'm in a bit of a bad place right now.

 

Thanks in advance

[qwaspolk82]

Oh the million dollar question.

 

You didn't do anything wrong except fall for the wrong person.

 

I did the same thing you did. My ex husband is my first love. I met him when we were 19. I had heard about him being a "player" and my best friend had known him as he lived down the street from her grandma. She was dating his brother that's how I met him and his family.

 

I guess we "dated" after I lost my virginity to him? He "dated" a lot of girls at the time. Including his future first ex wife. He liked to party but he was 19 and so lots of people our age did that I knew he smoked pot. I found out he was using meth. I thought I could change him. He has been in and out of jail. He married his first wife - I went to the military. Didn't talk to him for awhile. Thought I had gotten over him. Then we reconnected after his divorce. Bad idea. He cheated on me with her, with this stripper and who knows who else. He still acts like he's 19 but he's 34. It was fun back then - it's not fun now when he has four kids with three women.

 

He has abused me, lied to me, cheated, stolen, manipulated. Gotten a small fortune out of me. We have a daughter with medical issues - thank goodness for the military or I'd be swimming in medical debt. Despite all this he's done I gave him chance after chance. I still love him. I don't particularly like him though. But I guess I'll always love him and I wish I didn't. I wish I could cut that part of him out of my heart. But I realized (finally) that he will never change. He's a narcissist and I believe he may be a sociopath but I'm not sure. I can't diagnose that. Kind of sounds like your situation at least in behavior. He was never there when I needed him. But yet it's my fault his life sucks or he cried how I wasn't affectionate enough.

 

You can ignore her even if you travel in the same social groups. Just ignore her. Block her number. Block her on social media. If she acts childish (yes my ex would do this too and just did a couple weeks ago) just shrug it off. She's the one with issues.

 

It is easy to remember the good times but I bet those are few and far between right? Just cut your losses. Listen to your friends. You're better off without her.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, she sounds like a party animal and has a mouth like a sailor. Yeah, not gf material.

 

Clearly the only course of action is to go no contact, avoid/ignore her in person and delete and block her from all social media and messaging.

a week later I went away for the night and she went out and slept with someone else. I have tried to be civil as she is in my friends group, only for her to tell m to F off.

[DancingFool]

Best thing you can do is avoid falling for her tantrums. In other words, ignore, block, avoid. Realize that if she pitches a tantrum and you actually respond and give her attention, even if it's negative, you are setting yourself up for more of the same over and over again and she will manipulate you and turn your life into absolute hell. So keep sticking to avoid and ignore until she gives up. Realize that she will likely escalate the tantrums for awhile before finally giving up and going away. Critical that you resist it all for your own sake and peace of mind.

 

As for missing her, it's normal to miss the good parts, but honestly, the nutjob portion is a bit much to handle and not worth it. You are in college. Focus on other girls who are more sane. Plenty of them all around you.

[kamurj]

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