Walk away or be understanding?

[Annie25]

A mutual friend introduced me to this guy. We'll call him Eric. So Eric and I really hit it off. We've only been dating for 3 months but we are the type who talk and seem like we've known each other forever. At first, I didn't want anything serious. My family was still reeling over the last loser I introduced them to and I wanted to pick a winner to bring home this time. So we started off as romantically involved friends without the label. It didn't last long and quickly progressed to something greater. Eric seemed too perfect and with 3 strikes against my record, I knew no one is perfect. If age matters, we are both 26.

 

So what is the flaw? His ex and the fact that he is too nice of a guy he lets himself be taken advantage of by bad friends but primarily by her. We couldn't be facebook official until he told her he had a girlfriend and made her ok with it. Strike 1 for me. Strike 2 was just recently. It was his birthday and they were going to meet to exchange christmas gifts. Why do I know? Because I came to stay the night the night before so he tells me. He goes off to meet her. Despite my reservations, he seems like a good person. I think ok he'll be back 30 minutes tops. It'll be ok. 3 hours later he isn't back. I leave. I tell myself leave and don't come back. So I left. I didn't get far. I went to a park to think and next thing I know, we are facing each other and I'm angry and upset. He explains how he is sorry but she started crying and he felt bad. Meanwhile, I'm starting to cry. I hate crying in front of anyone so I look away. I'm working myself up even more thinking how can he just stand there and not speak but comfort her for three hours. So I leave. I go to our mutual friend's house and proceed to have some drinks.

 

Meanwhile, our mutual friend has been having his phone blown up by Eric. My phone as well is receiving books of texts about how he made a mistake and likes what we have going but him and his ex have been friends, dated for 5 years, for 12 years. Our mutual friend agrees on my stance, that they can't be friends. He goes into how toxic she is and how she cheated on him 3 times but Eric was just never angry. As a person who has been cheated on 3 times, I can't see how you can't be angry. I can't see why you would want to be friends. Every time Eric talks about me, she cries and gets comforted. He doesn't see why she can't be happy for him. She has been dating his ex friend she cheated on him with. She has him wrapped around her finger. I don't tell my partners not to talk to people. His friends have been telling him for years to cut her out and she's manipulating him but he doesn't want to hurt her. He doesn't like to hurt anyone. However, I had to put a stop to this or I feel like I should walk away.

 

He claims he can phase her out over time. However, when we talk about it he also begins to back peddle with how they have been friends for so long. He begins to say how he wants us to work but yet I'm asking a lot. However, she can prevent us from putting our relationship on facebook. She can get the comfort I don't get when I'm upset. And she has taken this relationship from a point of comfort and no doubt he can be trusted to me feeling insecure and wondering if they are texting and what stunt she is pulling to get him to come see her, for me. All in all, she's good at it. So, I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I should walk away or hope that we can be strong enough to overcome whatever psychological hold she has on this poor guy who claims he doesn't want to hurt anyone but is ultimately hurting me.

 

*They broke up 3 years ago but I'm his first attempt at a new relationship since then*

[RainyCoast]

are you kidding me!!!!

 

puh-leaseee, eric is his ex's little beotch.

 

He doesn't like to hurt anyone

no, it's her he doesn't want to hurt. he has no issue whatsoever hurting you, and the more you fall for his word salad, the more you teach him that you accept injury. his emotional investment is in her, totally.

he also begins to back peddle with how they have been friends for so long. He begins to say how he wants us to work but yet I'm asking a lot.

excuse me??? asking a guy to be done with his ex and invest in his current relationship honestly and decently is asking a lot? tell him you are freeing him to see less demanding women, i.e. doormats without standards.

I don't know if I should walk away or hope that we can be strong enough to overcome whatever psychological hold she has

you want to compete in a psychological battle for him? he is choosing her all the time. your idea that you need to win loyalty and decency is what makes this possible. loyalty and decency don't have to be won. they are prerequisites for a relationship and whoever doesn't have them on offer will only respond to foul-play and manipulation, and use it on you as well.

 

walk away from these sickos. eww.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like he's over-attached and not over her. Actions speak louder than words so it doesn't matter what he says, what he does is meet up and act like a bf to her. If they are not actively reconciling, it sure looks like it. Don't hang around as a backup.

 

The friends' opinion is wholly irrelevant and was offered because you went over there upset complaining about him and his ex and they may have felt guilty setting you up with him. Try not to get them stuck in the crossfire.

 

All you can do is see these red flags for what they are and cut your losses after only 3 mos of dating. He has zero intention of cutting her out. "Asking a lot"? That's almost funny coming from someone who is nowhere near ready to date or be in a relationship. Three's a crowd, he knows this and it's his job to do something about it not inflict it on his dates.

 

Tell him it's not working out, end it and tell your friends thanks for the intro, but you and he are not on the same page.

been dating for 3 months both 26. It was his birthday and they were going to meet to exchange christmas gifts. He claims he can phase her out over time. he also begins to back peddle with how they have been friends for so long. He begins to say how he wants us to work but yet I'm asking a lot.

[DancingFool]

RainyCoast absolutely nailed it.

 

What you do is dump this loser with extreme prejudice. He is not a nice guy, he is a guy who has no problem jerking you around and hurting you because he is totally stuck on his ex. Doesn't matter how long they've been broken up. He is not a victim. He is actively choosing to stay involved with her because he very blatantly still has feelings for her.

 

Overall, I think you need to work on identifying losers faster and once you do identify that he is a loser, work on dumping him faster. None of this should I or shouldn't I, but maybe I should stick around and compete for his attention. That's very unhealthy thinking on your part. You will come across a lot of losers in your life. The key is getting rid of them so fast that they don't affect your sanity. You just dump them and don't look back.

 

Look at it this way. The longer you stick around with losers and damaged goods, the more good guys you are overlooking. To find a genuine good guy, you have to be single and baggage free yourself. So don't ever waste your time on time wasters.

[RainyCoast]

yeah the "they were together so many years" part really pissed me off.

 

"c'mon Annie, seriously , how can you ask this of me, we shared our lives for X years, i can't just not care"...Ehm??? Then what the heck are you doing dating other people (using you to survive without being alone while he tries to maintain as much intimacy with her as possible, or hopfully she takes him back).

 

he dates you, asks you to be with him, and then you're asking too much by expecting he be done with her.

 

he thinks you're a dumb desperate bimbo.

 

please drop him.

 

btw- you weren't planning on spending new years with him, were you? because guess how he is planning on spending it.

[MissCanuck]

Oh, HALE no. After 3 years, they both still run to each other? Give me an effin' break!

 

OP, he is still into her. It is very obvious a big part of his heart is with her, not you.

 

Sorry, but you have been way too nice about this. There is no way I'd tolerate any of this malarkey. The reason he hasn't "phased her out" is because he isn't ready to let go either. This isn't all about her whatsoever. He's hanging on, too. It's clear where his priorities and respect are, and I hate to be the one to tell you it's not with you.

 

Despite his sob-story texts, he isn't ready for a relationship with you. You are most definitely wasting your time with this guy. Let him go so he can be friends with her as much as he wants, and eventually get back together with her. It's obvious there's a huge part of him that still wants to.

 

If you choose to minimize or ignore this, you are in for a boatload of heartache because there is no way this will end well for you.

[SooSad33]

Okay.. yup.. he's got issues!

 

I never deal with an ex.. who cheated on me.

 

Shows his weakness... they've been apart for a long while now.. and he still gives her gifts? Geeze.

 

Phase her out over time?? yah,, k... maybe he needs some prof help.. to get over her.

 

3 years ago.. come on...

 

She has NO control over what he does.. or she shouldn't! ( But i suggest you do NOT agree to put your relationship on Fb!).. don't!

 

Im pretty sure they're texting..

 

he is still... hurting, I feel.

 

Nothing you can do.. but I say walk. he is not mentally sound. Still dealing with his past.. who is STILL present.

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself, and my own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. This keeps my love life simple and drama free.

 

I'd tell this guy, I adore you, and I can picture the two of us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away while we still think highly of one another, in order to preserve that potential. You get to handle your ex as you see fit, and if you ever find yourself completely, 100% free and clear of any obligations to her, feelings for her, or contact with her, you can contact me. If I'm still available, we can meet to catch up. Until then, I wish you the best.

 

Then walk away, and don't look back unless and until Mr. Wonderful is no longer wonderful to whutsername.

 

Head high.

[Annie25]

Thank you all for the responses. I agree with each and every one of you. I walked away for my own good. I wish the situation could have been different but we all know here it can't be. I just needed the confidence to know I was making the correct choice.