I'm at 6 years. How on Earth is this possible?

[DownGoesBrown]

It has now been 6 years, SIX, since my last actual relationship ended, and suddenly, after a few years of doing rather well, I’ve been getting those awful feelings again of anxiety, of constant thoughts of the life I lost, of sleeplessness, and missing this person so much it’s actually hurting. I’ve known over the years I really needed to seek some help, my self confidence has never been that high to begin with. I’m a bit awkward socially unless I’m with close friends. It was that low self esteem and no confidence that eventually tore that relationship apart. But I think now its finally time to seek something for anxiety and depression. I don’t have the strength to go thru this again.

 

 

While I wont deny I don’t think I ever stopped thinking of her and missing her, for a long period I was doing well. Finally landed a good paying job, I’m proud to have. Its very independent work with a great boss, so that works well with my self doubt issues, I don’t have to engage with people very often. Something triggered something within the last month plus. Started waking up with that depression in the middle of the night, my hour commute was spent often thinking about my relationship with her, etc. All that stuff that brought me back to the nightmare year 6 years ago.

 

 

Things came to a head this week. My 34 birthday was last month. (So compounding the problem, I’m now 34 with really no life, and last serious relationship being almost a decade ago.) All she did was a routine “Happy Birthday” on facebook. (Ive had her muted, so I wouldn’t see her posts or pics, I know I know, should have just unfriended) We’ve exchanged FB birthday messages before. Not every year, but usually she’s the one that does it. I did not for her bday this past February. Just seeing her name made my heart sink and stomach ache. I haven’t been right since. I don’t know. I immediately started analyzing everything. That was the first contact we’ve had in two years. I was in a friends wedding. She begin liking a bunch of wedding pics I was in. Then liked a couple facebook check ins at restuarants I posted. Her happy birthday was more than just the routine post everyone makes. She liked a random photo of my friend and I at a game. It made me feel good but I didn’t think much of it, and prob for good reason. Tho, now I’m tearing myself a part thinking maybe THAT’S when I should have reached out. I knew she was single at the time as a month earlier I saw her on a dating site. I know I prob read way too much into those likes and messages, but it was just so unusual from the years before that. Now I’m pretty sure she has someone. I can’t image she doesn’t. She’s not me. She has a thousand friends, super outgoing, travels the world. I’ve spent six years not going on a single date, being a homebody nearly every weekend, and just plain not having a life.

 

 

Back to my main point tho, I’ve always been worried about seeking help, thinking I could right the ship myself, or if I meet someone along the way, I’d get out of the funk. But its been almost a decade and it hasn’t happened, so why should I think it would now? I’ve tried to just deal with the depression and just be me, rather than take medication that just puts me in a fog. I just don’t know the right way to go, I just know I have to do something. I can’t go thru this again. In the time we broke up I’ve seen friends meet someone, date, get married, and have children. I haven’t moved a muscle in my life. Back then I was still in the ‘jus t want to drink with my buddies and watch sports phase.’ And as time passes I see that phase doesn’t last. I see all my friends married, with happy families and I’m starting to find myself wanting that more than anything. My family is small and getting older. Just had an aunt pass recently. My uncle I used to drink with and play golf is getting older and sick, so that doesn’t happen any longer. My Christmas’ and Thanksgivings are basically spent alone. Small dinner with about 5 family members then its back home. That doesn’t help me forget about the life I had dating her. Its stuff like that that has added up over the years and its starting to look proven what I thought when we broke up, that I REALLY REALLY blew something great. I had a feeling this would sting for along, long time. Just didn’t think this far into it I’d still be damaged by it.

[rosecolored108]

How long was the relationship? Why have you not been dating since then?

 

Healing is subjective, and people heal at different paces. Sometimes, certain things trigger us, even after a long time has passed.

 

I would definitely suggest counseling. It has helped me.

[DownGoesBrown]

It was 14 months. I had a much long relationship in college with someone I was sure I was going to marry, that ended and it didn't even come close to turning me into this.

 

I guess my biggest hang up is that it seemed like a really big waste, and something that didn't need to happen. My anxiety and self esteem issues overwhelmed me. There were periods and didn't think her family or friends liked me at all, and that forced me to constantly not really be myself. (Which looking back couldn't have been further from the truth.) I've read how depression really distorts your perceptions, and looking back boy did it ever. I know everyones ex was the greatest yadda yadda and you got to get them off that pedestal. She truly was one of the prettiest and wonderful people I've ever met. Impossibly nice, involved in charities, traveled the world. That could have been my life. I was gift wrapped this person into my life, and I can't stand to think about how I would've spent these last several years creating memories I otherwise wouldn't have had. I even had her roommate at the time pull me aside and tell me how happy I made her, yet that depression and anxiety still wouldn't let me just relax and enjoy the person I had.

 

And as stupid as it sounds, I'm obsessed with these kinds of thoughts: As low as I thought about myself, I still would have been the guy that all my friends and family would see on things like facebook or whatever and be like "Wow, look at his wife." or "Man, he's been traveling the world and has that great life." And I HATE thinking like that, as if what your facebook friends thinks of you or the person you date matters. But I think that low esteem sometimes triggers that, where you kind of wish you could have shown that off. But honestly none of my friends gf's or wives is anything like her. I don't know a single person that had anything negative to say about her.

 

I get that breakups happen every single day, and we all our here devastated to some extent. I just feel like this really did not have to happen tho. We never fought, but I just couldn't get out of my own way, or allow me to be as close to her as I wanted. I remember in a post breakup email to each other she wrote, "I always knew that there was more to you, but I could never see..."

 

I'm blathering now, but needed a good vent. If we fought a lot or has zero common interests Id understand better. Hell, the girl I thought I was going to marry just up and left me for someone else, that was at least easy to understand that it wasn't my fault. I just can't escape this feeling that I wasted a really wonderful thing, a really wonderful life, that just fell into my lap, and it did not have to happen. Now someone else gets the beautiful girl, and her amazing family, and her international trips, and her big city banquets, etc. Just really sucks.

[rosecolored108]

I feel your pain.

 

"yet that depression and anxiety still wouldn't let me just relax and enjoy the person I had"

 

You need to get to the root of this problem. If you suffer from depression and anxiety, you need to get help and/or treatment. Go see someone and work on this.

 

You will never have a healthy relationship being depressed and insecure; those things are relationship killers and could very well be the reason she left.

 

Stop worrying about what could have been. It is gone, but you can recover and get something like that again.

 

You just need to be secure and work on being an attractive person. The negativity you are projecting will not attract anyone.

 

I would definitely seek some counseling. It will help you, if you let it.