Healing from Eating Disorder and Shameful Feelings

[Limbikanamaria]

I am currently working towards remission from bulimia that I’ve been suffering on and off with for about 7 years. I’m focused on working through shame that I feel towards myself now and examining the reasons why I began to feel this shame in the first place. When my eating disorders started around 17 years of age, my mother made shameful comments towards me. For example, she noticed I had eaten a lot of food and asked, “did you enjoy your binge?” She also caught me purging in my bedroom once and said, “you can do whatever you want when you leave the house. No more puking.” To me, this sent the message that she didn’t care what I did once I was out on my own, didn’t want to deal with my feelings or disorder, and didn’t care for my wellbeing. She also once said, “all you’ve been doing is eating all day,” with no constructive comments to make afterwards, leaving me to feel immense amounts of shame about my eating disorder. I needed my mother’s support during these vulnerable moments, not to be shamed. I needed someone to try and understand the reasons behind these unhealthy eating behaviors, not to hear incredibly shameful comments. It really irks me that a mother would shame their child this way and not try to understand the feelings behind the disorder. My mother also had eating disorders around my age, so one would think she would understand. Perhaps it hit too close to home for her to deal with, or perhaps she has unresolved habits surrounding food of her own. Perhaps she was not there for herself during my times of need, so couldn’t be there for me and the best she could offer during those moments were shameful comments. I try to understand it from her point of view, but I also feel enraged that she was so incapable of helping me during those moments. Do I work through this myself and learn to just let these comments go, or do I tell my mom how they made me feel at those moments and still affect me 7 years later? I feel if I at least give her an opportunity to apologize for causing me to feel shame, at least I could get some closure regardless if she apologizes for her actions or not. At the same time, I don't wan't to focus too much on the past and make my mother feel bad. These comments are haunting me and I want to make peace with them and my mom, so I am not sure what to do. Looking for some insight from others, should I learn to let go of these comments on my own, or tell my mother how they made me feel after these years?

[RainyCoast]

Perhaps she was not there for herself during my times of need, so couldn’t be there for me and the best she could offer during those moments were shameful comments. I try to understand it from her point of view, but I also feel enraged that she was so incapable of helping me during those moments.

she saw herself in you. her criticism of your disorder is a reflection of her self-criticism about her own disorder. she made you feel ashamed because she hasn't come up with an empathic stance about her own problem. shame is the only reaction to it she knows. she also likely blames herself for your disorder, as she can see how you learned certain beliefs and attempts at coping that lead to it from her. it is easier for her to be critical of you, than to un-blind herself to the fact that she contributed to your problem, because the shame and guilt she can't resolve would prevent her from changing, by locking her up in her perceived incompetency as a parent.

 

 

Do I work through this myself and learn to just let these comments go, or do I tell my mom how they made me feel at those moments and still affect me 7 years later? I feel if I at least give her an opportunity to apologize for causing me to feel shame, at least I could get some closure regardless if she apologizes for her actions or not.

you don't get closure from someone who hasn't reached it herself. you don't get it alone with this type of problem. you get it in therapy. you are 24 now? if so, even suggesting systemic therapy with a family counselor wouldn't make much sense, seeing as you either are not living together as a family at the moment, or you won't be for long. and her projections aren't indicative of someone who wants to admit to having unresolved issues and working on them anyway.

 

are you having problems with individuation?

 

i am sorry you've experienced this type of parenting and the struggle of an eating disorder and shame.

 

p.s. There is a wonderful essay on shame and humiliation online auhtored by several therapists, i only remember the name linda hartling. i'm sure if you google the keywords you can find it online.

[Wiseman2]

The best approach would be continued therapy and counselling and treatment and support groups. Eating disorders are often about control and power struggles. Confronting your mother again and again will not bring forth the empathy or understanding you are looking for.

 

Also she is who she is and if she makes rude remarks it won't change if she is devoid of empathy or understanding in the first place. These confrontations backfire because they only perpetuate the preexisting power struggle now configuring it as guilt vs suffering rather than rude remarks vs behaviors.

 

You are old enough now to be totally independent from your mother financially, emotionally, etc. and hopefully you do not live together further nurturing the toxic power struggle.

 

Sadly, people often waste a lifetime trying to fix their broken parents. Focus on your own life, career, hobbies, interests, friends, family you get along with and distance yourself from relapsing sources like the toxic dynamic between her and you..

I am currently working towards remission from bulimia that I’ve been suffering on and off with for about 7 years. When my eating disorders started around 17 years of age, my mother made shameful comments towards me.

[catfeeder]

It really irks me that a mother would shame their child this way and not try to understand the feelings behind the disorder. My mother also had eating disorders around my age, so one would think she would understand. Perhaps it hit too close to home for her to deal with

 

I think you're right, too close to home--and her home isn't healed of her own shame. So that's where she is, and you get to decide where you want to be. If you want to allow Mom's lack of healing to interfere with your own, you can do that, but there's no payoff.

 

One idea you might explore with your therapist (you are working with one, right? If not, there's no time like the present) is one of healing yourself 'beyond' Mom, first. From there, you can decide on any confrontations with her from a higher vantage point.

 

While this doesn't take Mom completely off the table in terms of getting your desires met from her today, it preserves the potential for best possible outcomes the future. It allows you to bypass dealing with her shame while yours is unhealed, because that positions you at high risk of relapse from clashing both of your unhealed places.

 

I'd opt instead to shoot for my own higher ground. As with anyone's growth into adulthood, this involves viewing our parents as fallible, and it involves reconciling that as adults, our roles with our parents reverse--we become their caretakers, either over time, or in some cases immediately.

 

Viewing our parents outside of our own childhood role can neutralize dysfunction just long enough to get a peek 'around' it. This positions you as the adult in your relationship and allows you to become the one who is sane enough for the both of you. When you think in those terms, you can see your Mom operating in the only ways she knows how. Her limitations will become apparent, only rather than try to force her to overcome those to parent you better, you'll recognize that as an adult, you now have xray vision into her limits that can move YOURSELF beyond those.

 

Hopefully, this inspires enough compassion toward Mom to recognize that she's always been limited, frightened, human and fallible, yet she never had (or knew she had) the resources available to you today, along with the resourcefulness to use those properly.

 

So consider SURPASSING your Mom in your own healing before going back to her for a confrontation. You'll have a wiser vantage point from which to operate, and you'll be more equipped to handle the convo--and to handle Mom. You may also discover that just learning how to handle Mom from this point forward may satisfy you more than you can conceive of today.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.