Please help me!!!

[kalpana]

Hi,

I am in a very complicated relationship.

I got into a serious relationship with this man 4 years ago. He is married for 13 years now and living separately from his wife for the past 6 years. Im separated too from my husband. The wife wanted him to leave his parents and move to a separate house but he wanted to take care of his aged parents so refused to stay in a joint family. So one fine day, she simply left with their 3 year old kid to her parents home and never returned to him ever since.

But their relationship has been extremely confusing to me ever since I met him 4 years ago. One year into my relationship, I saw that he has been meeting her every week and even went out to parties and family functions together. She was very cordial to his parents too. They both kept chatting with each other often as well. But she never gave the kid his dad’s surname. She hardly let the kid get close to his dad. She made strict rules as to when the kid should meet the dad. There were times when she restricted the access to the child for a year. She tried her best to blackmail him to move out of his parents home and live with her.

Initially, he did not budge and even stopped visiting his son. But within two years, he changed a little and when she gave him an ultimatum to either stay with her or divorce her, he ran to her and lived with her and kid for good 2 years in her parents home.

I was shocked by all this and asked him why he is doing all this and what am I in his life? He said that he did not love her and its only for the kid he is loving with her and he never even kissed or hugged her. It was more like a friendship for the kid as the kid started to get extremely emotionally disturbed. I broke up with him temporarily, but begged me to come back to him and I really loved him a lot so after 3 months of fights, crying and arguments, I went back to him. He continued to stay with her. They had big disagreements in between and fought a lot but never left her home.

Then his dad expired. He had to move back to his aged mom and continued to live with her ever since. The wife was angry ofcourse but could not do much about this. In this year, 2016, she again stopped his access to the kid for 10 months. They never spoke in between and did not see each other too. Suddenly on the kids birthday when he went home to meet them, the kid started accusing dad for not coming to see him. The wife too was angry that he has been irresponsible and never bothered to check up on them though she was the one who refused to meet him with his child.

On the same day, they all made a holiday plan to go to Dubai for 1 week’s trip.When he came back and told me the same, I freaked out. I have been extremely trusting and understanding throughout the relationship because I thought I was letting him do things for the kid. But now, after separating from her for so many years( they live in same city) and after all the ill-treatment she has given to him, how did he become so ready to go on a holiday with her? This is ridiculous and I demanded an explanation and asked how serious he was with me in the first place. He made it clear at the beginning itself that he wouldnot divorce her as its beyond his religious belifs but he would never get back to her as a lover/husband. Now when I asked him the same he says he is not trying to work on the marriage, its just for the kid he is going. He says he cant pay for a holiday( she earns lot more than him) with the child alone and she would never send the kid alone with him. So he had no choice but to go with them so that he gets time to enjoy with the kid. This is his first holiday with the kid who is 11 years old. So he is very excited.

But he doesn’t seem to understand me situation. I have become extremely insecure, very jealous and am totally confused. Something tells me that his wife is trying to make this marriage work for the sake of the kid. However, this man doesn’t believe it. He counter questions me ‘If she loves me, why would she leave me and go in the first place’? He says he doesn’t love her too. But he has to do a few things to make the child happy.

But I also observed that this wife of his started liking and commenting on all this facebook posts of late. She even changed her status to ‘married’ last week suddenly. He says he is also surprised with this. But now am not able to believe him. How can all this happen only from her side when he showed no interest in her? She never even bothered to like any of his posts in the past 4 years, then why suddenly now? Im sure she is again trying to get close to him. However he says living together with her in the same house is impossible and he wont ever do it. So why are they confusing the kid by taking him on a holiday?

His behaviour towards me hasn’t changed, he still says he loves only me and I should understand and support him in his decision to be with his kid., but I became a complete mental wreck. His unceertainity and her playing games is something Im not able to comprehend. When two people married cant stand each other so lived separately for years, and even tried to live together and failed, and such a head strong female who even refused to let the kid meet his dad changed so suddenly? How is this possible?

I begged him to breakup with me as Im getting confused with all this and there is no way I can predict his wife’s behaviour and his own exact feeling for her and my relationship with him. But he said Im over reacting and I need to chill. He says he has hardly any interaction with her and he doesn’t love her so I have no reason to be insecure. But I feel I do. Because of her behaviour changed so suddenly. What if he enjoys the holidays with her and gets back to her? Is it not his responsibility to breakoff with me and give me a closure if he intends to give his marriage another try?

When they actually tried to work on their marriage earlier and it failed why is she trying again? She doesnot know my existence yet. He already left for vacation and im waiting for him return and tell me if things changed between them. Can things really change between them in 10 days? They went to their friends home in dubai for vacation and will be staying with them. So he keeps saying that I need not worry as its not a holiday where they went to a resort alone without kid. He feels Im overreacting and depriving of him of a chance to spend time with his kid. He says Im only thinking of the wife there and not about the kid and getting jealous.

But im very very insecure and jealous and worried that they will get back somehow. I spent each day of the past 4 years with him makng his life happy and complete. I am all broken and feeling extremely helpless. What should I do once he comes back? Breakup and stay as friends with him? I cant live without him and he loves me a lot too but now I cant live in this miserable situation. Need to get my self respect back and leave both of them alone unless he someday decides whom he actually wants.

Also, this vacation may mean that he gets more frequent access to his son and more amicable relationship with his wife. So sooner or later he may get back to her. He is also not very sure though he keeps saying that he will never be able to love her again though he may visit her often for his son.

He is a good man otherwise and really loves me.

What should I do now? Please help me.

[Hollyj]

You should have been done with this, a long time ago. Wake up! How can you be so naive!!! If he loved you, he would be divorced and be with you!

 

The guy will never bring you into his life as you are only his mistress. He is still involved with the WIFE, emotionally and sexually. Now, they are traveling together.

 

Lastly, how can you respect a man that cares so little for his child, by not seeing for such long periods. Terrible!

[Capricorn3]

You should have been done with this, a long time ago. Wake up! How can you be so naive!!! If he loved you, he would be divorced and be with you!

 

The guy will never bring you into his life as you are only his mistress. He is still involved with the WIFE, emotionally and sexually. Now, they are traveling together.

 

Lastly, how can you respect a man that cares so little for his child, by not seeing for such long periods. Terrible!

 

I totally agree. You're just some fun on the side. This guy has no intention of getting a divorce.

 

Also, how long do you two intend carrying on this affair? I note neither of you are divorced. Both of you are still married (separated does NOT mean divorced. It means STILL married).

[Clio]

This guy has a problem with boundaries. His and others'. He will never decide on or commit to any and that is how this mess was created in the first place. He is the common denominator in all these relationships (with parents, wife, kid, you). He will not do any better with you. Either accept that's how things will always be or break up and move on. You cannot change him and that part of him you can't stand.

 

p.s. By the sound of it, he is not through with his marriage and there is a kid involved. Do you really want to be involved in adding to its unhappiness?

[Charliegrey]

You deserve so much better than this! Don't beg him to end it with you! Leave!

 

People treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated, you have completely allowed him to treat you like a door mat! No more Hun, save yourself!

[kalpana]

Im sure he is not involved with her in an of these ways. They hardly interact, I have never seen her calling him ( I stay with him all the time). She earns a LOT more than him and is extremely head strong. It was her decision to stop him from seeing his son. She is very angry with him for not taking responsibility as a dad and setting up a separate home. So having sex can be ruled out. He broke his leg two months ago, but never informed her. She came to know later through his mom. He went on a solo holiday with boys but never told her. When I asked, he said, its not needed as they hardly talk.Even hen his dad expired, he called me first to inform and that became an issue in their house when she came to know. Even when he bought a new car, I went with him and she came to know only a month later when he took his son for a drive in it. He doesnot even pay his son's school fees as she doesnt let him. He loves his son but she is adamant that unless he stays with son permanently, his access will be restricted. He cant stay in a nuclear family as he doesnt earn that much and he has a very old mom. He stays in a big house, has a lot of ancestral property and no one in the big house except his mom after dad's death. So the wife should actually not have any problem with living with him for the sake of the kid. But she wont. So he is in no way connected with her except through the kid. Till now. But now Im extremely worried that things will change and the time, energy, emotions i invested in this relationship could go waste. I didnt want him to divorce as I never intend to marry again. But I truly love him and simply wanted a committed relationship with me as he anyway doesnt love her.

Do you really think she loves such a man who is OK living without her?

[Clio]

She may or may not love him. All this would not matter if it wasn't for his lack of consistency. No one can predict the future but based on the past, he will keep going back and forth at least until his mother dies or his wife ends it.

[greta96]

All I hear here is his version of things. You know everything you think you know because that's what he's told you. From an outsider's perspective though, it looks more like she got fed up with his cheating ways, kicked him out temporarily, he cried (as he did with you when you "ended" it) for her to forgive him and take him back, they tried working on things, but of course fruitlessly because he is still having an affair with you and she suspects it.

 

This is not a complicated relationship, it's in fact very simple and your story is as old as time. A cheater, a mistress, a scorned wife ... You are and will always be the side piece, and are wasting your time in the process. It's entirely up to you whether you want to continue like this only one day to realize life has passed you by and you are still alone and miserable as someone's mistress, or you want to do something to change this, meet a man of your own and give yourself a chance at being happy.

[Nana123]

I am in principle in a similar relationship (6 yrs!) and really want to break up but feel like I have come too far and done too much damage to stop now (that is how he makes me feel everytime I tell him That i want to end it). Atleast once a month I try leaving and then end up getting emotionally guilt tripped into staying, to the point that I feel like I'm losing my mind. He turns it on me saying it is my usual "depressed time of the month " and takes me for granted. I don't have the strength to fight anymore.., I know exactly how you feel .....

[DancingFool]

He is married. He has a wife and a child. Regardless of how messed up and dysfunctional his marriage is, it's still a marriage and you will always be nothing more than a side piece in this toxic situation. So if you don't want to live like that, dump him. Sorry but it really is that simple.

 

For as long as you kid yourself with this idea of love, your life will continue to be pure misery. He doesn't love you. He loves certain things and comforts that you bring to the table and if you are gone, he will just find another side piece same way as he would replace a housekeeper that quit the job. Frankly, people like him really don't see you as anything more than that. Sure they will tell you whatever it takes to keep you around, but they lack basic empathy most normal people are equipped with. They will use you and others, they will create chaos and enjoy the drama to its fullest. His wife is no better in that respect. Sounds like the two of them are locked into a never ending control battle with each other and will use their own child as a pawn no matter how much damage is being done to the poor boy.

 

The longer you stay, the more you are going to sink to their level and lose your own sanity in the process. It's not on him to dump you. He won't because you are convenient and it will require more work to find your replacement than to push a few buttons, say a few things to bring you back. Sadly for you, you have a warped sense of love in that you believe that the nonsense he whispers in your ear when you are looking to dump him is a sign of true love. No, it's not. It's just manipulation. This thing you are in, it's not love and not what love looks like.

[Hollyj]

Waste another six years of your life. How sad.

[Tanzi]

Relationships ... true, loving relationships that is, aren't meant to be like this. Throughout this relationship he has had his strings pulled by his ex-wife (if what he says is the truth). I realise that they have a child together and that they would have to have some form of regular contact but it doesn't have to be confusing and it certainly doesn't have to be secretive. What was he telling you when he was getting together with her on a regular basis, going to family functions together etc? No matter how genuine you think he is, the truth is he is a liar who was successfully able to pull the wool over your eyes ... until you found out. Two people can remain separated and co-parent successfully without the lies and deceit. It seems to me that he has been unable to properly sever the EMOTIONAL ties he has with the wife but is using his son as an excuse for his inability to release her from his life properly. As the father he has rights too. He doesn't need to go running back to her or let her pull the strings in the way that she has been .... not unless he wants her too. It doesn't have to be this confusing or hard. He could see his son without all this supposed hassle.

 

To be honest, he sounds like a weak man who is mentally all over the place because he hasn't got the guts to make a decision and stick with it or the enthusiasm to work something ... anything ... out. He switches from choosing to stay with her for the sake of their son to not seeing him for almost a year or more at a time. That doesn't make really make any sense, does it?

 

From what you've said above it sounds as though he is telling YOU want you want to hear and could be telling her what she wants to hear too. You are putting the blame on the wife but his actions towards you aren't exactly honourable or honest are they? How can he be having hardly any interaction with her when they've planned a holiday together ... let alone actually going on holiday together.

 

It is pointless asking him to break up with you. All the while he can coast along with the two of you without having to make any choices, he will. If you want this all to end then you are going to have to "woman" up and be the one to do it. Besides which, it is up to you to take responsibility of your own well-being. You shouldn't rely on someone else to do that for you because they won't make the right choices for YOU, especially if it is to the detriment of their own happiness or status quo.

 

In answer to one of your questions ... no, I doubt things will change in 10 days. However, it isn't what is going to happen in those 10 days that you should be worried about. It is what the last four years have been about that you should be concerned with. Why have you not asked yourself why his wife has absolutely no idea about you, yet you've been together for 4 years.

 

In answer to another of your questions ... no, you shouldn't break up with him and remain friends. That would be absolutely pointless. You wouldn't be any better off than you are now. You would still remain emotionally attached to him. You wouldn't be giving yourself the chance to move on from where you are now. You are not much more than friends with benefits now and no doubt the "benefits" would creep in again from time to time. If you want to move on from this then you have to end all connection with him. Period.

[HeartGoesOn]

But I truly love him and simply wanted a committed relationship with me as he anyway doesnt love her.

 

Then, how would you explain the reason why he's still married, and you're still married, as well?

[qwaspolk82]

I don't even need to read the entire thing. He's using you. Of course they went to family functions together. They are MARRIED.

 

Being the side piece only ends in heartache. Leave now. Block him. Ignore him.

[qwaspolk82]

Hi,

I am in a very complicated relationship.

I got into a serious relationship with this man 4 years ago. He is married for 13 years now and living separately from his wife for the past 6 years. Im separated too from my husband. The wife wanted him to leave his parents and move to a separate house but he wanted to take care of his aged parents so refused to stay in a joint family. So one fine day, she simply left with their 3 year old kid to her parents home and never returned to him ever since.

But their relationship has been extremely confusing to me ever since I met him 4 years ago. One year into my relationship, I saw that he has been meeting her every week and even went out to parties and family functions together. She was very cordial to his parents too. They both kept chatting with each other often as well. But she never gave the kid his dad’s surname. She hardly let the kid get close to his dad. She made strict rules as to when the kid should meet the dad. There were times when she restricted the access to the child for a year. She tried her best to blackmail him to move out of his parents home and live with her.

Initially, he did not budge and even stopped visiting his son. But within two years, he changed a little and when she gave him an ultimatum to either stay with her or divorce her, he ran to her and lived with her and kid for good 2 years in her parents home.

I was shocked by all this and asked him why he is doing all this and what am I in his life? He said that he did not love her and its only for the kid he is loving with her and he never even kissed or hugged her. It was more like a friendship for the kid as the kid started to get extremely emotionally disturbed. I broke up with him temporarily, but begged me to come back to him and I really loved him a lot so after 3 months of fights, crying and arguments, I went back to him. He continued to stay with her. They had big disagreements in between and fought a lot but never left her home.

Then his dad expired. He had to move back to his aged mom and continued to live with her ever since. The wife was angry ofcourse but could not do much about this. In this year, 2016, she again stopped his access to the kid for 10 months. They never spoke in between and did not see each other too. Suddenly on the kids birthday when he went home to meet them, the kid started accusing dad for not coming to see him. The wife too was angry that he has been irresponsible and never bothered to check up on them though she was the one who refused to meet him with his child.

On the same day, they all made a holiday plan to go to Dubai for 1 week’s trip.When he came back and told me the same, I freaked out. I have been extremely trusting and understanding throughout the relationship because I thought I was letting him do things for the kid. But now, after separating from her for so many years( they live in same city) and after all the ill-treatment she has given to him, how did he become so ready to go on a holiday with her? This is ridiculous and I demanded an explanation and asked how serious he was with me in the first place. He made it clear at the beginning itself that he wouldnot divorce her as its beyond his religious belifs but he would never get back to her as a lover/husband. Now when I asked him the same he says he is not trying to work on the marriage, its just for the kid he is going. He says he cant pay for a holiday( she earns lot more than him) with the child alone and she would never send the kid alone with him. So he had no choice but to go with them so that he gets time to enjoy with the kid. This is his first holiday with the kid who is 11 years old. So he is very excited.

But he doesn’t seem to understand me situation. I have become extremely insecure, very jealous and am totally confused. Something tells me that his wife is trying to make this marriage work for the sake of the kid. However, this man doesn’t believe it. He counter questions me ‘If she loves me, why would she leave me and go in the first place’? He says he doesn’t love her too. But he has to do a few things to make the child happy.

But I also observed that this wife of his started liking and commenting on all this facebook posts of late. She even changed her status to ‘married’ last week suddenly. He says he is also surprised with this. But now am not able to believe him. How can all this happen only from her side when he showed no interest in her? She never even bothered to like any of his posts in the past 4 years, then why suddenly now? Im sure she is again trying to get close to him. However he says living together with her in the same house is impossible and he wont ever do it. So why are they confusing the kid by taking him on a holiday?

His behaviour towards me hasn’t changed, he still says he loves only me and I should understand and support him in his decision to be with his kid., but I became a complete mental wreck. His unceertainity and her playing games is something Im not able to comprehend. When two people married cant stand each other so lived separately for years, and even tried to live together and failed, and such a head strong female who even refused to let the kid meet his dad changed so suddenly? How is this possible?

I begged him to breakup with me as Im getting confused with all this and there is no way I can predict his wife’s behaviour and his own exact feeling for her and my relationship with him. But he said Im over reacting and I need to chill. He says he has hardly any interaction with her and he doesn’t love her so I have no reason to be insecure. But I feel I do. Because of her behaviour changed so suddenly. What if he enjoys the holidays with her and gets back to her? Is it not his responsibility to breakoff with me and give me a closure if he intends to give his marriage another try?

When they actually tried to work on their marriage earlier and it failed why is she trying again? She doesnot know my existence yet. He already left for vacation and im waiting for him return and tell me if things changed between them. Can things really change between them in 10 days? They went to their friends home in dubai for vacation and will be staying with them. So he keeps saying that I need not worry as its not a holiday where they went to a resort alone without kid. He feels Im overreacting and depriving of him of a chance to spend time with his kid. He says Im only thinking of the wife there and not about the kid and getting jealous.

But im very very insecure and jealous and worried that they will get back somehow. I spent each day of the past 4 years with him makng his life happy and complete. I am all broken and feeling extremely helpless. What should I do once he comes back? Breakup and stay as friends with him? I cant live without him and he loves me a lot too but now I cant live in this miserable situation. Need to get my self respect back and leave both of them alone unless he someday decides whom he actually wants.

Also, this vacation may mean that he gets more frequent access to his son and more amicable relationship with his wife. So sooner or later he may get back to her. He is also not very sure though he keeps saying that he will never be able to love her again though he may visit her often for his son.

He is a good man otherwise and really loves me.

What should I do now? Please help me.

 

Where's your husband? You're still married as well. Why don't you just get a divorce if you aren't happy? Also - your "boyfriend" is never leaving his wife. Just fyi.

 

"Good men" don't cheat on their wives.

[catfeeder]

I'm not clear what you find surprising or 'confusing'. Neither of you are relationship material right now. You're both married, and neither of you have finalized the old business that requires completion on your own before involving yourselves with anyone else. That's if you expected a successful outcome rather than a temporary playmate.

 

I would have told the guy upon meeting, I think you're fabulous, and I can picture the two of us dating someday. That's why I need to walk away while we still think highly of one another, in order to preserve that potential. You get to settle your family life as you see fit, and so do I. If your divorce is ever finalized, you can contact me, and I'll do the same. If we're ever both free and clear to couple up in the future, we can meet to catch up.

 

From there, if you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'd both meet on higher ground someday. If not, then you'd have freed yourself to clear up your own divorce and begin dating someone who's actually available.

 

Well, there's no time like the present.

 

Head high, and be smart.

[browser]

He's got room for two women in his life.

 

You need to convince yourself that you don't.

 

Why compete with another woman for a guy when there's plenty of available, single, intelligent, good looking men out there who won't treat you like an alternate?

[kalpana]

She may or may not love him. All this would not matter if it wasn't for his lack of consistency. No one can predict the future but based on the past, he will keep going back and forth at least until his mother dies or his wife ends it.

 

Hi, Thanks for all wellmeant suggestions.

I actually know that its high time I walked out. Its just that Im not able to do so. But now I think I have no other choice.

But Im really very shocked about the fact that some of you are still saying that he and wife may get back together. But the fact is his wife and he never got along and never stayed together for the past many many years. They lived separately in the same city without getting updated about each other for months !!!!! So, they both staying/loving together now ( even for the kid) , he forgetting what all I did for him for 4 years( from cleaning his house, cooking, sex, helping his mom and a thousand other things) is something Im not able to accept easily.

Im not able to understand how this man ( or any man), can fall back in love with a woman who left him, ill-treated his family, stopped him from meeting his child, but cant stay in love with me who shared all his joys and pains every single day for 4 years.

I feel worthless. I feel a lot of pain, I'm completely broken.

Its not that I broke their family or willingly entered as a mistress or whatever you call me. She left him years before I entered his life or I wouldnt dare to. He was alone and so was I. I didnot even ask him for a divorce. I wanted a committed relationship because many times he himself said that they both tried to make this marriage work but failed. So, I never broke his home.

For someone who asked me if I'm even educated, yes I am a Physics prof. in a PG college. Its just that I solve so many of my students' problems but sadly not able to solve my own.

[kalpana]

Relationships ... true, loving relationships that is, aren't meant to be like this. Throughout this relationship he has had his strings pulled by his ex-wife (if what he says is the truth). I realise that they have a child together and that they would have to have some form of regular contact but it doesn't have to be confusing and it certainly doesn't have to be secretive. What was he telling you when he was getting together with her on a regular basis, going to family functions together etc? No matter how genuine you think he is, the truth is he is a liar who was successfully able to pull the wool over your eyes ... until you found out. Two people can remain separated and co-parent successfully without the lies and deceit. It seems to me that he has been unable to properly sever the EMOTIONAL ties he has with the wife but is using his son as an excuse for his inability to release her from his life properly. As the father he has rights too. He doesn't need to go running back to her or let her pull the strings in the way that she has been .... not unless he wants her too. It doesn't have to be this confusing or hard. He could see his son without all this supposed hassle.

 

To be honest, he sounds like a weak man who is mentally all over the place because he hasn't got the guts to make a decision and stick with it or the enthusiasm to work something ... anything ... out. He switches from choosing to stay with her for the sake of their son to not seeing him for almost a year or more at a time. That doesn't make really make any sense, does it?

 

From what you've said above it sounds as though he is telling YOU want you want to hear and could be telling her what she wants to hear too. You are putting the blame on the wife but his actions towards you aren't exactly honourable or honest are they? How can he be having hardly any interaction with her when they've planned a holiday together ... let alone actually going on holiday together.

 

It is pointless asking him to break up with you. All the while he can coast along with the two of you without having to make any choices, he will. If you want this all to end then you are going to have to "woman" up and be the one to do it. Besides which, it is up to you to take responsibility of your own well-being. You shouldn't rely on someone else to do that for you because they won't make the right choices for YOU, especially if it is to the detriment of their own happiness or status quo.

 

In answer to one of your questions ... no, I doubt things will change in 10 days. However, it isn't what is going to happen in those 10 days that you should be worried about. It is what the last four years have been about that you should be concerned with. Why have you not asked yourself why his wife has absolutely no idea about you, yet you've been together for 4 years.

 

In answer to another of your questions ... no, you shouldn't break up with him and remain friends. That would be absolutely pointless. You wouldn't be any better off than you are now. You would still remain emotionally attached to him. You wouldn't be giving yourself the chance to move on from where you are now. You are not much more than friends with benefits now and no doubt the "benefits" would creep in again from time to time. If you want to move on from this then you have to end all connection with him. Period.

 

He couldn't meet his son because she wouldn't let him. In my four year relationship with him, I saw him going to his wife's parents' home( that's where she stays) to meet his son many times. Even last month in November he went to meet his son on his 11 birthday and she fought with him and didnt let him enter the house. She said she already celebrated his birthday and questioned him why he didnt come to meet his son in the past 10 montsh. Funnily, it was she who told him not to come! However, from that day, they became a bit close and he started visiting her every week.

 

In the last four years, I have seen that they never wished/met each other on their marriage anniversary, he was with me on those days except for one anniversary he went with her entire family.

They never met each other on their birthdays but wished each other over SMS.

It was me who was by his side when he fell sick. She didnt even know.

She never updated him when she bought a new home or went out on any other holidays with her parents. He never informed her when he went on holidays with his friends

He doesnot even visit his son's school, no PTMs or whatever

He told me many many times that he fell out of love with her the moment she left his home and went way and since they hardly interact, there is no emotional, physical,financial bond between them.

He showed me in many ways that he loved me, once he stopped having sex with me for 8 months just to show me that he loves me for what I am.

I never saw him calling her or vice versa.

However, things changed from last month. They went on a holiday after not talking to each other for ten months. He told me that the kid was being bullied in school by other students who made fun of him saying that his dad never meets him or takes him on holidays. So he decied that he should take the boy on a holiday and make him happy. he loves his child, i have no doubts about it.

But I never knew ( till I read your messages) that he could still be emotionally attached to her.

Because he told me many many times that she ill-treated him and insulted him by leaving him, put his old parents to shame before all relatives and not letting him meet his son. yes, I trusted him because that was what I have been seeing.

May be, as you said, he still had some bond, attachment or love for such a woman and not towards me who was not his legally wedded wife but did what a wife would do. May be a hundred times more.

[IAmFCA]

They are attached to one another. She is emotionally abusive; he chooses to he her victim. They will not sever ties because this dynamic validates each of them in a way you do not, will not, and do not want to.

 

I dated a man like this. It was very difficult to see and to sever. He moved on to a relationship with control / victim dynamics, just as the relationship he was in before me. Even with a couple of years having passed, he recently said "You were nothing like that. I don't know why I choose these situations." He knows what healthy looks like, but he doesn't choose it for himself.

 

Your partner does not choose to be in a healthy relationship. So long as you stay with him, neither do you.

[Tanzi]

Im not able to understand how this man ( or any man), can fall back in love with a woman who left him, ill-treated his family, stopped him from meeting his child,

 

Maybe he never really fell out of love with her.

 

I feel worthless. I feel a lot of pain, I'm completely broken.

 

This is not a reflection on you. It is a reflection on him.