Is she distant/lukewarm after one date?

[NYkid91]

Hello!

 

I posted this on another forum, but looking to get some different answers here.

 

I had been talking to a girl (21 is her age, I'm 26) from Bumble over the past 3 days. Everything going well, and told her a few messages or so in that I wanted to meet up. She excitingly agreed and had even given me her number without asking to take it to texting. We had planned for meeting up on Thursday night, but texted yesterday saying if we could meet up last night instead, and since I was free, I agreed.

 

We were going to meet up at a sports bar, but as I was driving into the city, texted saying if we could meet up at this nice wine bar place close to her apartment that her friend had recommended, and I agreed. Date lasted almost or around 3 hours. Conversation flowed naturally for the most part without many pauses, similar humor and life experiences (even now) and we both gave each other seductive and decent eye contact.

 

I asked how long she was on Bumble, and said only a few days. Told her I had been on and off of it as well, and had been mainly using Tinder, but was tired of running into women that just wanted to hookup. She agreed completely and said her experiences on Tinder was the same with guys just asking her to **** over and over again. I told her I'm not looking for hookups at this point in my life either, and she agreed.

 

She said she had to go at one point (has to wake up at 7 AM for work), but I could tell she was into the date as we kept talking an extra 30-40 minutes afterwards till we left, lol. She had even told me about meeting up again in 2 weeks (after she got back to Manhattan) to go to that sports bar that we originally were going to go to, and how fun it is there. I agreed.

 

I also paid for the drinks, and asked me if I was sure, and said yes (seemed to really love the gesture). We left, and since my car was parked a block away, we didn't walk together much, but I sensed that she didn't want the date to end as we continued talking and what not. As were about to depart, I ended up breaking my own rule of not kissing on the 1st couple of dates (or at least the 1st one) and did so. Lasted a few seconds and told her this is to remind you of me till we up again in 2 weeks. She seemed to like it and said for sure and good night. I had offered her a ride home, but said her place was pretty right near the wine bar.

 

I got into my car, and told her to text me when she got home, and that it was nice meeting her tonight with a smile. She replied with "Okay I'm home, it was nice meeting you too."

 

Then I texted her this (which maybe was a mistake or not) telling her that I don't usually kiss this fast (which is true), especially on a 1st date, but that you were awesome and wanted to show that I'd like to see you again, since it'll be 2 weeks with a smile. She replied with "Haha okay get home safe."

 

Last text was telling her I just got home and that traffic was less than I thought, and wished her good night with a smile. She replied with "Have a good night."

 

Maybe I'm completely over analyzing this, but can't help but feel that her texts are now very lukewarm. Thinking that maybe the date didn't go as well as I thought, or that I shouldn't have kissed her at the end (although, it felt right in that moment to give her an I dig you type kiss). As I'm used to rejection or them being lukewarm often, I can't help but think that, but maybe I am wrong. I would have expected a smile or a wink/smiley emoji or something in her texts, but nothing.

 

What do you guys think? I guess this is better than her completely ignoring the texts (she did reply rather quickly as well), but just wondering.

 

Note, I did text her today (couple of hours ago) asking how her day is going, and she replied with "hi it's okay, busy at work."

[browser]

I also paid for the drinks, and asked me if I was sure, and said yes (seemed to really love the gesture). We left, and since my car was parked a block away, we didn't walk together much, but I sensed that she didn't want the date to end as we continued talking and what not.

 

I'm going to take a wild guess and it may be wrong but hey all this is is a bunch of guessing anyway so how bad could it be.

 

You see the part of your post I quoted above? Read the last two words.

 

"what not". That's as bad as when people say "it is what it is". Or they use the same repetative word in most of their sentences as in "like" or "you know".

 

What it means to me, is that they may not be very educated, or not very good with communicating, or they may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, or at least they've got nothing worthwhile to talk about, and it really bugs the crap out of me. I can't say that by itself it's a dealbreaker but if I was on the fence and my date said "what not" a few too many times they wouldn't be seeing me again.

 

But for whatever reasons, she's luke warm. That's the dating game for you.

 

It is what it is.

[Wiseman2]

The date went well, that the most important part. Forget the emojis. Now, don't text that often and over-saturate this. Here and there only and respond but don't try to drag out text convos etc. Over texting looks needy and is a turn off. Focus on planning a great next date (not a sports bar)

[NYkid91]

I'm going to take a wild guess and it may be wrong but hey all this is is a bunch of guessing anyway so how bad could it be.

 

You see the part of your post I quoted above? Read the last two words.

 

"what not". That's as bad as when people say "it is what it is". Or they use the same repetative word in most of their sentences as in "like" or "you know".

 

What it means to me, is that they may not be very educated, or not very good with communicating, or they may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, or at least they've got nothing worthwhile to talk about, and it really bugs the crap out of me. I can't say that by itself it's a dealbreaker but if I was on the fence and my date said "what not" a few too many times they wouldn't be seeing me again.

 

But for whatever reasons, she's luke warm. That's the dating game for you.

 

It is what it is.

 

English isn't her first language, btw. She's from Ukraine. So, I very much doubt that has anything to do with it, and I don't generally use repeat words when I talk in person (only sometimes with online posts).

[NYkid91]

The date went well, that the most important part. Forget the emojis. Now, don't text that often and over-saturate this. Here and there only and respond but don't try to drag out text convos etc. Over texting looks needy and is a turn off. Focus on planning a great next date (not a sports bar)

 

Well, she recommended the sports bar towards the end of it, and that we should go. I will try to plan a great date in 2 weeks time, though, assuming it gets to that point.

 

And okay, you don't think it's a bit weird that the majority of her texts prior had exclamation points, emojis, smiley symbols, etc... and now there are none?

 

Can't help but wonder if she changed her mind during the first kiss. Everything prior to that went well. Then again, she's still responding to my texts, so who knows.

 

Guess I'll know for sure if the 2nd date goes through.

[limichelle]

That's all you can do because first dates are just that the 'first'. First for meeting, first for getting to know somebody. As far as feelings go that comes later. So you really won't know until you go on more dates with her. Good luck, I hope the second date goes well.

 

Lisa

[NYkid91]

Btw, I did also talk with two of best friends's girlfriends today about all this, and they did mention something interesting.

 

Usually if a woman was very into you at the start (which she definitely was), and during/end of the date and before the kiss, but suddenly became more distant in calls/texts (though responding and not ignoring). Then, it might mean that something is bothering her, but doesn't know how to express or say it.

 

In her case, it might mean that she doesn't know what the kiss meant FOR SURE. Was I just hoping/looking for sex (even though I mention that I wasn't looking for a hookup), is he looking for something long term? Is he looking to go out on dates with me? etc..

 

They said for some people, a first kiss means something more. I don't think they're entirely wrong there.

 

They mentioned me texting something to her in a couple/few days like "Hi, how are you? I was wondering, and might be wrong, but I've noticed you've been a bit distant in your calls/texts since our date. Is everything okay?"

 

I would think sending something like that is way too fast and early in the dating/courting process, but it also makes sense OTOH.

[Hollyj]

"They mentioned me texting something to her in a couple/few days like "Hi, how are you? .. I was wondering, and might be wrong, but I've noticed you've been a bit distant in your calls/texts since our date. Is everything okay?"

DO NOT SEND! YOU WILL LOOK NEEDY, PATHETIC AND INSECURE!

 

I think you need to chill. You should resume communication as to how it was before the date. If she slacks off, then you know she is not interested.

[NYkid91]

"They mentioned me texting something to her in a couple/few days like "Hi, how are you? .. I was wondering, and might be wrong, but I've noticed you've been a bit distant in your calls/texts since our date. Is everything okay?"

DO NOT SEND! YOU WILL LOOK NEEDY, PATHETIC AND INSECURE!

 

I think you need to chill. You should resume communication as to how it was before the date. If she slacks off, then you know she is not interested.

 

Perhaps. I guess I'll know for sure if the 2nd date happens in a couple of weeks, or not.

[Wiseman2]

I disagree with your friends. Texting and text response times are the biggest reason people shoot themselves in the foot with assumptions. She's a grown woman she knows what a kiss means it means you're interested. She's not incapable of expressing herself. If she wants to express something it would be Yes or No to a second date.

 

Doing her thinking for her is another huge reason people shoot themselves in the foot and blow it. Did she recoil from the kiss? No? then she wasn't put off. Did you grab her inappropriately or suggest a Netflix and chill date for the second date? If not she doesn't think you're a wolf after only one thing.

 

The best indicator of interest is a positive first meet and yes to a second date. Keep in mind it was was a first meet it's not a relationship where you need to guess and think and ponder and have relationship talks via text etc. At this point simple texting until she's back and planning a second date is all you need.

 

Since you went to bar for the first meet why suggest a bar no less a sports bar for the second. that shows laziness, carelessness, no thought. Plan a meal out or some activity that involves more than alcohol and sitting around a loud noisy place.

 

Do not keep sending dopey hey, how ya doing texts, it's annoying. Or worse a needy, desperate "relationship talk" text like this was wondering, and might be wrong, but I've noticed you've been a bit distant in your calls/texts since our date. Is everything okay?"

it might mean that something is bothering her, but doesn't know how to express or say it.In her case, it might mean that she doesn't know what the kiss meant FOR SURE. They mentioned me texting something to her in a couple/few days like "Hi, how are you?

[NYkid91]

I disagree with your friends. Texting and text response times are the biggest reason people shoot themselves in the foot with assumptions. She's a grown woman she knows what a kiss means it means you're interested. She's not incapable of expressing herself. If she wants to express something it would be Yes or No to a second date.

 

Doing her thinking for her is another huge reason people shoot themselves in the foot and blow it. Did she recoil from the kiss? No? then she wasn't put off. Did you grab her inappropriately or suggest a Netflix and chill date for the second date? If not she doesn't think you're a wolf after only one thing.

 

The best indicator of interest is a positive first meet and yes to a second date. Keep in mind it was was a first meet it's not a relationship where you need to guess and think and ponder and have relationship talks via text etc. At this point simple texting until she's back and planning a second date is all you need.

 

Since you went to bar for the first meet why suggest a bar no less a sports bar for the second. that shows laziness, carelessness, no thought. Plan a meal out or some activity that involves more than alcohol and sitting around a loud noisy place.

 

Do not keep sending dopey hey, how ya doing texts, it's annoying. Or worse a needy, desperate "relationship talk" text like this was wondering, and might be wrong, but I've noticed you've been a bit distant in your calls/texts since our date. Is everything okay?"

 

Well, she mentioned going to that sports bar towards the end of the date (the one we were originally going to go to), I didn't bring it up.

 

And yeah, I'll try not to, but since she'll be gone for 2 weeks, I do want to keep some sort of contact as well. Maybe text every few days or so.

[katrina1980]

NYkid, one thing I have learned about dating is that two people can be on the same date, but be having two entirely different experiences.

 

Clearly, you were very into her, attracted to her. She may have been too, OR she may have simply enjoyed your company, including chatting, laughing, etc.

 

I have found often times men read this as romantic interest, when that is not the case or how I feel. I liked him, had lots of fun, we got along, are compatible but don't feel that certain somethin somethin, that spark, chemistry whatever you want to call it.

 

Her texts imo DO sound a bit lukewarm and meh. Speaking personally, when I am really into a guy, feel lots of chemistry with him, my texts are going to be enthusiastic and engaging. Not just responding to questions with one word or one sentence answers. Anyway that's just me, can't speak for other women.

 

Also, it's not uncommon for people to have a great time during the date, but then after going home and letting the date "marinate" in their head for awhile, they realize the person is not right for them.

 

Nothing wrong with him per se, just not right for her (or him if roles were reversed).

 

Anyway, all this is just food for thought in general.

 

Obviously cannot say for sure what is going on with this girl, or how she feels, all you can do is sit back, live your life, maybe date other girls, send a fun, light text every few days to keep the lines of communication open and see what happens when she returns in two weeks.

 

I know it's hard to wait but patience will serve you well here. Relax and try to not overthink.

 

I know this a big cliche, but what will be will be, as they say.

 

Best of luck though, I hope it all works out the way you hope it does!

[Hollyj]

Well, she mentioned going to that sports bar towards the end of the date (the one we were originally going to go to), I didn't bring it up.

 

And yeah, I'll try not to, but since she'll be gone for 2 weeks, I do want to keep some sort of contact as well. Maybe text every few days or so.

 

You have only been on one date, you are not in a relationship. Wish her a good time, and tell her you will reconnect when she returns.

[NYkid91]

NYkid, one thing I have learned about dating is that two people can be on the same date, but be having two entirely different experiences.

 

Clearly, you were very into her, attracted to her. She may have been too, OR she may have simply enjoyed your company, including chatting, laughing, etc.

 

I have found often times men read this as romantic interest, when that is not the case or how I feel. I liked him, had lots of fun, we got along, are compatible but don't feel that certain somethin somethin, that spark, chemistry whatever you want to call it.

 

Her texts imo DO sound a bit lukewarm and meh. Speaking personally, when I am really into a guy, feel lots of chemistry with him, my texts are going to be enthusiastic and engaging. Not just responding to questions with one word or one sentence answers. Anyway that's just me, can't speak for other women.

 

Also, it's not uncommon for people to have a great time during the date, but then after going home and letting the date "marinate" in their head for awhile, they realize the person is not right for them.

 

Nothing wrong with him per se, just not right for her (or him if roles were reversed).

 

Anyway, all this is just food for thought in general.

 

Obviously cannot say for sure what is going on with this girl, or how she feels, all you can do is sit back, live your life, maybe date other girls, send a fun, light text every few days to keep the lines of communication open and see what happens when she returns in two weeks.

 

I know it's hard to wait but patience will serve you well here. Relax and try to not overthink.

 

I know this a big cliche, but what will be will be, as they say.

 

Best of luck though, I hope it all works out the way you hope it does!

 

Thanks!

 

And yeah, like you said, her texts are definitely meh and lukewarm, as opposed to before we met up where they were cheerful and excitement in them. Majority of people on the other forum I posted this at think I'm over-analyzing this, but I don't think so, lol. I've noticed a change after the date.

 

She's the one that also pushed for us to meet up again when she got back from Upstate. But, like you said, maybe after the date ended she changed her mind. Sucks, but possible.

[NYkid91]

UPDATE:

 

So I texted her a few hours before New Years wishing her a Happy New Years Eve and that I hope her trip to Upstate went well.

 

Her response "Hey, listen I feel like in this point of my life I need somebody more mature, anyway it was nice meeting you."

 

So that's that. I had a feeling this was the case after the date, but am glad she at least didn't string me along.

 

What do you guys think she could have meant by "more mature"?

 

That one threw me off a bit as a lot of people tend to tell me that I'm far more mature at my age (26) than a lot of other people.

[Chloee1988]

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's definitely a blow to the self esteem when your feelings are not reciprocated. Happened to me as well in March 2016 and I was depressed about it until July 2016. It was especially hurtful since the guy never gave me a legitimate reason and was hot/cold throughout most of our courtship. Based on her response, she might be looking for an older guy (maybe in his 30s). Some women are into older men. I would have asked her just out of curiosity what she meant by "more mature" so you know just for yourself. Also, that may have been an excuse for another reason (one she isn't comfortable expressing). Once again, I'm sorry you went through this but it just means she wasn't for you and something better suited is in store for you. Stay optimistic

[NYkid91]

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's definitely a blow to the self esteem when your feelings are not reciprocated. Happened to me as well in March 2016 and I was depressed about it until July 2016. It was especially hurtful since the guy never gave me a legitimate reason and was hot/cold throughout most of our courtship. Based on her response, she might be looking for an older guy (maybe in his 30s). Some women are into older men. I would have asked her just out of curiosity what she meant by "more mature" so you know just for yourself. Also, that may have been an excuse for another reason (one she isn't comfortable expressing). Once again, I'm sorry you went through this but it just means she wasn't for you and something better suited is in store for you. Stay optimistic

 

Perhaps, but she knew how old I was since it says so on the profile. So, not sure that was the reason (unless she realized during or end of the date that she prefers a guy in their 30's plus or something)

 

The only thing I can possibly think of is that I still live with my parents, and/or looking for a full-time job. Even though I did let her know that I'm making it a goal this year to get a full-time job since I'm pretty much done with school to start making money, and get a place of my own in Manhattan.

 

But like you said, I suspect the main reason has to do with something else, which is also why I didn't bother asking her what she meant by "more mature." A lot of guys tend to response to a woman's reason as to why she turned him down asking why, and I didn't want to do that either.

[JaggerJim]

Wow. I would have taken it as an insult.

 

More mature? How lovely.

[NYkid91]

Wow. I would have taken it as an insult.

 

More mature? How lovely.

 

Lol, I almost did when I read it, but quickly realized that she likely didn't mean anything bad by it.

 

Besides, I still doubt that was even the real reason.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It could mean anything including a bunch of reasons not related to you, like she met someone etc.

 

In general, do not over-text. Set up a 1st meet asap, then a second date and keep texting to a reasonable minimum. Conducting a "relationship" after a 1st meet via text is high-school stuff.

 

Sports bars are also a bad choice, as they are noisy and rowdy. Pick a quieter venue for the first meet/second date. She in fact redirected that suggestion to a wine bar (hint, hint)

Her response "Hey, listen I feel like in this point of my life I need somebody more mature, anyway it was nice meeting you."

[Ms Darcy]

If you are still living with your parents and looking for a full time job, then more "mature" probably refers to THAT.

 

I could also see how the texting and sports bar stuff seems a bit immature too. Seems very "college-like."

[NYkid91]

If you are still living with your parents and looking for a full time job, then more "mature" probably refers to THAT.

 

I could also see how the texting and sports bar stuff seems a bit immature too. Seems very "college-like."

 

Assuming her reasoning was true, then the first sentence makes the most sense. However, if true, it's a bit hypocritical in my eyes since she also works part-time right now as a linguist at a salon, lives with a roommate or 2 I believe, and wants to go for nursing sometime next year (she's on break from school right now). I was willing to overlook the fact that she isn't fully established right now, but I guess she couldn't do the same for me.

 

As for the texting, it isn't like I was blasting her phone 24/7, and she was the most adamant about going to the sports bar, not me.

[Ms Darcy]

NYkid out of curiosity, are you in school full time?

 

Also, fair or not, in my 20s and older, I would have dated guys who had roommates but not a guy who lived with parents.

 

As for the Sportsbar, I agree with you.

[NYkid91]

NYkid out of curiosity, are you in school full time?

 

Also, fair or not, in my 20s and older, I would have dated guys who had roommates but not a guy who lived with parents.

 

As for the Sportsbar, I agree with you.

 

Not anymore. Just have 1 class left (starting end of January), then I graduate in May. It's why I'm looking for something full-time right now (along with working on my online side business) since I could take that class in the evening, twice a week. Also to start saving up money to get my own place in Manhattan sometime this year (maybe mid-later part of this year).

 

I made it a point to let her know that as well, but I guess it didn't make of a difference, lol.

[katrina1980]

I think had she been really into you/attracted to you, she wouldn't have cared that you live with your parents.

 

Many people (men and women) live with their parents while in their 20s, saving to buy a house, or just saving, period.

 

Personally, I didn't and wouldn't hold that against a guy, assuming again I was very into him.

 

Not having a job? That's a bit different. Why don't you have a job?

 

I mean you could do anything really, until your ideal job came along.

 

It would show you are not mooching off your parents and are responsible.