Needing help and advice

[Solost912]

My boyfriend of almost 5 years broke up with me a few days prior to Christmas. I am lost and sick and can't stop thinking.

 

The reasons he broke up with me were: -he is unsure he wants to get married

-he wants to have children at 35, I said I want them at approximately 30

-he is going through the process to join the police force (but has not yet been accepted) and doesn't want to be the reason I am forced to move around or quit jobs to follow him. This is not something we had talked about and with my career would be easy to do. When he ended it I asked if this was due to stress and he said if he wasn't so stressed it probably wouldn't be happening, but maybe would have in the future? The week before we had broken up we had been shopping for Christmas presents for each others parents and the day before I had attended his graduation with him- he also said he had only been thinking about this for a week. This makes me feel like it was a somewhat rash decision?

When he broke up with me he was crying, told me he loved me and hugged me.

 

We are both 21 and I can't think of my life before him. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. We have a group of friends that we share (this is how we met). It is a large group and neither of us have many other friends. We share our best friends within this group also which adds a complicating factor. I don't know how to navigate my friendships, as they're his as well (we mostly spent time with them when we were togerher) and I dont want him to be left out, so I feel myself withdrawing from them.

 

We are currently no contact for a month. I am in a bit of limbo though, I feel hopeful that he will realize he made a mistake- especially with how the breakup played out. But at the same time I know him, and he may be too proud to do this and if he does change his mind it will probably take longer than a month. I don't know how to deal with the getting over him while feeling hopeful.

[rosecolored108]

If he is unsure he wants to get married (or married to you), that is a big issue...if you want that.

 

You two were together for a long time...but, he probably has come to a point where he cannot continue if he doesn't want to marry you/feels differently about when to have children.

 

It is a very hard thing to go through...I came out of an 8 year relationship myself.

 

My advice would be to continue no contact and start growing on your own. Don't rely on the hope of getting back together. If you do, you do. If not, then you need to be prepared to move on...

 

If you share the same friends, you may want to start getting involved in activities you enjoy or pick up a hobby. You can meet new people this way. That is not to say that you have to abandon all of your current friends, but broadening your "circle" certainly would not hurt.

 

I sympathize with your situation, but you need to accept the end of the relationship; that is one of the hardest things to do, but it must be done for you to exist on your own and eventually be happy.

 

Change is usually difficult, but it does get easier with time. It is always harder coming out of a longer relationship (since you were used to a routine), but just know that you will be OKAY and can be happy

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You were dating since you're 16? At 21, it's way too soon to talk about marriage. And way too soon to assume you'll be together or have kids.

 

This is a time in both of your lives when you should be free and developing yourselves as individuals. That means building up a career or education/training. Becoming financially independent. Learning to live away from home in your own place or with roommates. Learning about rent, car payments, credit scores, etc.

 

What are your goals? Do you have a job? Car? Your own place? Do you have your own friends and interests? These are much more vital to develop right now. Also you never dated anyone else and at 21 guys want to explore their freedom, just as you should.

 

He's right that he needs to focus on his career, making a living, having freedom and independence. Stay no contact and focus on things outside of him. talk with your family to develop some life planning that doesn't revolve around talking marriage and kids with a 21 y/o guy.

We are both 21. My boyfriend of almost 5 years broke up with me a few days prior to Christmas.

The reasons he broke up with me were:

-he is unsure he wants to get married

-he wants to have children at 35, I said I want them at approximately 30

-he is going through the process to join the police force (but has not yet been accepted) and doesn't want to be the reason I am forced to move around or quit jobs to follow him.

[browser]

More and more guys are reluctant to marry because they see what happens when a guy is divorced, who is the breadwinner, with kids, a house.. and he's left paying support and having nothing left for himself, barely sees his kids and in worst case scenario he's cheated on and the other man moves into his house and basically replaces him.

 

It can happen to women too but not nearly as often.

 

Net result- a guy who isn't ready to marry, who may never BE ready to marry- for damn good reason- feels pressure from a woman who does want to marry and he makes the only logical decision he can, which is to cut and run.

 

If you get another opportunity- and you want to try to save this, back off on the whole marriage idea until and unless he brings it up, which could very well be never.

[Clio]

What you describe is a very frequent scenario happening at your age. Sadly, your relationship has run its course. Your life goals and dreams are not compatible. It seems like he wants to experience what else is out there without you. He will never admit this to you but this also means other girls. You are not included in his life plan. He wants to sow his wild oats. His timeline is to get married at 35, if he feels like it, to whomever seems right at that point. And right now he doesn't feel like marrying at all. At 21 most boys feel like that. Nothing special about that. What you need to understand is that you need to move on. This boy has years of growing up to do. At least, he had the decency to go for a clean break rather than cheat on you first. These thoughts have probably been at the back of his mind for a while, even if it appears to be a swift decision. These kind of break ups happen all the time. Don't wait around for him and try not to get your hopes up. He will probably second guess his decision (five years are a difficult habit to break but the fact that he was capable of initiating it at all means that this was an important priority for him) so do not underestimate what happened. Sadly the odds are against you. You sound like a very decent girl. There are more than one right person for you out there. Follow your dreams and when it comes to marriage do not settle for less. Just find someone who wants that with YOU and has a compatible timing. The timing with your ex is not compatible.

[Clio]

More and more guys are reluctant to marry because they see what happens when a guy is divorced, who is the breadwinner, with kids, a house.. and he's left paying support and having nothing left for himself, barely sees his kids and in worst case scenario he's cheated on and the other man moves into his house and basically replaces him.

 

It can happen to women too but not nearly as often.

 

Net result- a guy who isn't ready to marry, who may never BE ready to marry- for damn good reason- feels pressure from a woman who does want to marry and he makes the only logical decision he can, which is to cut and run.

 

If you get another opportunity- and you want to try to save this, back off on the whole marriage idea until and unless he brings it up, which could very well be never.

 

This is a very jaded opinion that has probably more to do with YOUR view on marriage rather than the boy's in question. Discussing life goals and timelines is not pressuring and it should be done in regular intervals in a relationship to find out whether the people involved are still on the same page. At 21 it is highly unlikely that that boy has reached the level of disillusionment reflected in your post, unless he comes from a broken home. Women get equally cheated on/abandoned/taken advantage of/ 'replaced' for younger models by men e.g. men undergoing middle-life crisis and walking out for the 20 year old secretary. Men are no saints either. Both sexes are equally guilty and there are plenty of stereotypes to pick from if you want to go that road. I find it highly unlikely that this is how this boy saw things.