Ten years gone....

[JadedOSU]

I apologize in advance for my rant here, but need opinions.

Background information:

I met a guy ten years ago at a music festival, he said he adored me from the moment he saw me... drove to my state two weeks later to see me at another festival. I was not that into him at the time, and never "hooked up".

Every year he would text/call on birthdays and holidays, but we never pursued each other or met back up. We obviously both had relationships in between, him being in one for seven years! He never really discussed in detail what happened, just that she cheated on him near the end, he forgave her, then did it again. He did divulge info that it ended badly, and he was beaten up by cops and thrown in jail because of a false accusation he was threatening them with a gun. Money and lawyers later they were DONEZO! He was tight lipped about details and got weird when I asked, even after two years of being broke up with her!

I reached out to him in August, and us both being single began talking a lot!! We live on opposite sides of the country, so we would FaceTime all the time too. He confessed he fell in love at first site with me, and has thought about me and had feelings for years. I soaked it all up, we even talked about marriage, children, houses.... literally we FaceTimed every morning night and texted throughout day for like three months.

I finally said screw it and flew out to see him for two nights, which were amazing (wink wink) and sealed the deal.

Our relationship continued like this for another month or so when I left, but I was much more needy after seeing him, and would question on when we will see each other next. He was planning on spending Christmas with my family and I. We had a Mexico trip paid on my behalf planned for January!

 

Long story short: from looking at his Facebook page I knew what his ex looked like and her first name, so I searched for her on Instagram one night that we didn't have our typical FaceTime date, and I was drinking wine. Yes I cyberstalked him and his ex, but didn't think it was that big of a deal.

Well I think the liquid courage from the wine took over me so I decided messaging her something to the lines of: "heard you dated this hippie guy, have any details about him"... something stupid. I realized it was stupid and immediately unfollowed/blocked her and felt embarrassed. It wasn't my finest moment.

 

Well apparently SHE reached out to him and I don't know what was said on that end. The last thing I heard from him via text after this was "I love you sweetheart, I hope you know that".

A few days went by and I had NO IDEA she reached out to him, but he wouldn't respond to any of my texts/calls.

He finally responded with ....I contacted someone I shouldn't have, I am a psycho stalker, it's done, F you, F off, I disrespected him, and I brought the SH$7 he is running away from back in his life. I was dumbfounded and heartbroken that someone that discussed forever and always type of love couldn't forgive my little social media mistake.

 

It has been two weeks of full on NO CONTACT on either of our ends. He does have a temper, but I'm hoping the dust will settle, and if he actually meant anything he told me everyday for four months he will forgive me and reach out.

 

Do any of you agree he has to be thinking of me? Especially over the holiday we were supposed to spend together, and our upcoming trip? Do you think he will come around? Did he just talk a good game, and claim he's loved me for ten years just to get in my pants? (Which he did address that was not the case at all)

How bad did I mess up? Any advice from an outsider would be greatly appreciated!

 

I am left with nothing but a broken heart and big question mark!

[browser]

If I was him I would have responded exactly the same way.

 

There's just too much craziness in life as it is, no need to go looking for more.

 

What's even more troubling is how you try to justify your behavior several times in your post.

[gebaird]

Talking to the ex is definitely crossing a line. I think the lesson here is that social media and alcohol are a bad combination.

[JadedOSU]

I didn't think it was a big deal, I would never do that again, and that someone that actually loved me could forgive me.

Im a chick, we can all be crazy at times.

[JadedOSU]

Thank you gebaird! lol I realize that now

[browser]

I didn't think it was a big deal, I would never do that again, and that someone that actually loved me could forgive me.

Im a chick, we can all be crazy at times.

 

1- It was a big deal, and you're still defending your crazy actions, which is worse than if you admited you did something really over the top.

2- Who knows if you would ever do it again? I sure don't, he sure doesn't, and I don't even know if you do.

3- Not all chicks are crazy. Us guys who know better, usually from experience, learn which ones to avoid.

3 (revisited). You're still justifying your crazy over the top behavior- by saying you're a chick and that's just what you do. Now that's scary.

[rosecolored108]

Contacting the ex was totally weird.

 

We all make mistakes, but recognize that totally crossed the line and makes you look like a stalker.

 

Do you even know his ex?

 

I would continue in no contact for about a month, and you could try to reach out again. Maybe let him settle down; this may or may not be a deal breaker for him, but refrain from doing anything like that in the future.

[JadedOSU]

Browser why are you even on this site if you are so versed in relationships?

[Wiseman2]

What did you want to know about him from her? Yes contacting his ex means it's over, perhaps it's better considering his past.

he was beaten up by cops and thrown in jail because of a false accusation he was threatening them with a gun. I decided messaging her something to the lines of: "heard you dated this hippie guy, have any details about him".. I had NO IDEA she reached out to him, but he wouldn't respond to any of my texts/calls.

He finally responded with ....I contacted someone I shouldn't have, I am a psycho stalker, it's done, F you, F off, I disrespected him, and I brought the SH$7 he is running away from back in his life.

[JadedOSU]

Thank you rosecolored108

[JadedOSU]

Wiseman2.... I think I just wanted to see how she would respond since it had been so long and he has been so elusive about it. I crossed the line, and the internet and long distance relationships don't mix I now know. Ugh

[rosephase]

I think you should remember that you don't know this guy. You said ten years... but what you mean is very casual, not in person, contact for ten years. You have no idea if what he is telling you is true. He came on super strong and you responded super strongly. You were living in a fantasy.

 

I think you messed up... but if he was really as into you as much as planning marriage and kids he wouldn't have dropped out of your life like that. And if he needs his ex out of his life to THAT extent... why is he friends with her on facebook? I assume that's where you found her. In a real relationship people don't walk out the door when one of them messes up once. The issue is you weren't in a real relationship. You were only talking about a real relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Ok contemplate this elusiveness. What was your gut telling you? You may have crossed a line, but you may have dodged a bullet. Think of it that way.

I think I just wanted to see how she would respond since it had been so long and he has been so elusive about it.

[JadedOSU]

Rosephase thank you! I was living in a fantasy. Thank you for being nice.

[JadedOSU]

Thank you Wiseman2, a couple of my close friends/family told me I probably dodged a bullet.

I can't believe I was so naive and dumb.

[browser]

Browser why are you even on this site if you are so versed in relationships?

 

Just trying to help others with my knowledge and experience.

 

I'm sorry if I'm telling you something you don't want to hear.

 

There's nothing to say I'm right, you could be perfectly normal in every respect mine is just the opinion of one guy. Well two if you count your ex boyfriend.

 

Edited to add. It could be entirely possible that you sensed something was amiss because of his history of violence and law breaking behavior and that's what prompted you to do what most would consider crossing a line, in which case perhaps you are just unusually perceptive and you did in fact dodge a bullet. If you have no other history of such crazy behavior I think you can get a pass this time around.

[surfdiva]

Browser why are you even on this site if you are so versed in relationships?

 

Whoa. That was a little uncalled for. We're all here because we all offer a wide variety of advice.

 

I do think (and seems like you know to) that contacting the ex was not a good thing. Damn liquid courage. I swear, I'm going to invent an app that doesn't allow people to text or use their phone after they've been drinking.

[JadedOSU]

Thank you all!!!!

I know I messed up... but was I totally wrong in believing him that he actually loved me?! How can you drop someone out of one drunken crossing the line situation?!

[JadedOSU]

SURFDIVA I will invest in that app!

[rosecolored108]

Rosephase is right...a lot of what you two shared was very casual...and long distance. The language he used may have been a little strong, and who knows if he truly meant what he actually said.

 

Actions speak louder than words. That is not to say you cannot believe what people say, but their actions usually reveal their true intentions.

 

That action may have been a deal breaker for him...or maybe he never meant all that he said to you. Either way, give him space to figure it out. You messed up and only time will tell if he actually wants to start something real with you or not.

[JadedOSU]

So no contact on my part until IF he reaches out? And dang am I the only one that has social media stalked? 😩

[browser]

So no contact on my part until IF he reaches out? And dang am I the only one that has social media stalked? 😩

 

See I was starting to give you some credit there and then you post something like this.

 

NO you don't reach out to him because whether he's a crazy violent felon or just some guy you cyberstalked and who clearly stated he wants out, there is NO good reason to contact him.

[Wiseman2]

To be honest I would block and delete him, he seems like loose cannon.

So no contact on my part until IF he reaches out?

[JaggerJim]

Have you seriously been wasting 10 years of your life on this guy? Why?

[JadedOSU]

Thank you browser and wiseman2 I just needed to hear it, I'm so hung up on it because I really believed this guy when he told me he loved me multiple times daily and for him to just cut ties after one mistake on my part has me analyzing things.