how to deal with my husband's anger

[Annabelle1985]

Hi all,

 

This is my first time posting here; sorry in advance for the long and badly summarized post. The reason I'm posting is that I really need some actual practical tips on how to deal with/respond to anger issues/mood swings in a relationship. I've been together with my husband for over 8 years now, and the relationship has not gotten easier. When we first met he was a drug addict, and I didn't realize it. Then I found out, and after a long while he actually got clean and started getting his life together. I thought at the time that all of the hard stuff in the relationship, his frequent anger outbursts (non-physically violent), illogical behavior and nasty mind games were finally over; I honestly thought it used to be all due to the drugs, and that was all behind us now. I could finally love the "real him". We moved in together and later bought a house together.

 

Now we're 4 years later and I feel like he's two people. Sometimes he's the funniest, nicest person I know, and I fall in love with him all over again. Sometimes he is a complete jerk, taking out all of his frustrations on me and actually succeeding in making me feel like it's all my fault, even though I intellectually know (usually only the day after) that I did not do anything wrong. The fights are always about nothing at all, for example I was planning on cooking but he'd rather have some take-out food (no problem) but then the take-out place turns out to be closed. He gets angry, starts taking it out on me, suddenly not talking to me anymore or throwing nasty comments about my weight or appearance. ("Good thing it's closed, you don't need any more junk food anyway") then when I mention it's not my fault the place is closed he starts asking why I'm such a victim, why I'm yelling at him (I swear to god I never raised my voice at all, which is so frustrating). He just says I'm crazy and I don't realize I'm yelling... I swear to you I am not. He just bounces all of these things off me until I really do start to raise my voice (wrong, I know!), at which point he suddenly becomes very calm and blames everything on me. Because, of course, I raised my voice now. While look how calm HE is. He can get so nasty with the mean comments that I start crying, which gets him even more angry: "Booohooo, I'm cryyyying, my life is sooooo haaaard. You stupid , why do you do this?" I swear to god the next day he's normal and nice again.

 

I cannot summarize this in a forum post. The point is this: I am not ready to leave him, because like I said, sometimes he is the funniest, nicest person I know. I want to fix this. And he's gone through a lot in his life. I love him. But I am constantly tiptoeing around his moods, always trying to keep him calm and I'm sure this sometimes makes things worse. I am not handling this well at all. (Actually even got pretty OCD over the past two years; another point of discussion). I need practical tips on how to respond when he gets like this. How do I not care so much about the things he says. What do I actually, physically DO to not let these situations get to the point where I'm hysterically crying and he is hysterically yelling? I tried just leaving for bed, but he comes after me. I tried calmly and logically discussing the situation, but that doesn't work either. I've tried humor (best thing I found so far) but that doesn't always work either and honestly makes me feel like a complete doormat. Please, does anyone have an idea how I can get a grip on situations like this? Obviously, therapy is out out of the question for him.

 

Thanks so much, and really sorry about the rambling. I really appreciate any advice you have.

[Wiseman2]

Most women like you who are in abusive relationships say exactly this. They want to fix him and fix things, sometimes he's really great, etc.

Unfortunately you have a bunch of problems.

He's still an addict.

He's abusive.

You live with him.

He knows how to cut you deeply.

You actually feel sorry for him so give him a free pass to beat you down mentally. Which is where you are now. Brainwashed, thinking it's your job to fix this and if you only tried harder he would stop abusing drugs and stop abusing you.

 

Tell your family and friends about what is going on and stop candy coating it. Save yourself, not him. Contact people and reach out for help. am not ready to leave him, because like I said, sometimes he is the funniest, nicest person I know. I am constantly tiptoeing around his moods, always trying to keep him calm and I'm sure this sometimes makes things worse.

[gebaird]

You may just reject this as the random ramblings of a perfect stranger who doesn't fully understand your situation, but have you considered the possibility that you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship? The question you are asking is impossible to answer. "How do I stay with an emotionally unstable person without it also making me emotionally unstable?" You can't. I can give you my best advice for struggling couples, but most of it involves therapy, communication and personal development. Since that's out of the question for him (why?), and you've already said you won't leave him, what options do you have left? Continue to delude yourself into thinking this situation will get better? Pretend there is something you can do to cope with his angry and abusive outbursts or keep from causing them? None of this has anything to do with you. He is not psychologically healthy and isn't going to be anytime soon--if ever. I'm sure that when things are good between you they are absolutely wonderful, but this too is a common dynamic in abusive relationships.

 

You can't just be in a relationship with the best parts of him. You can't have those good moments without paying for them at some point (when the bad moments come). It's an all-or-nothing deal: all of the good and all of the bad. How long are you going to continue lying to yourself? It's not going to get better. You might not be ready to leave him now, but at some point you will be. At some point you'll see what you've been refusing to admit, and when you do I hope you'll remember this post. I hope you'll remember that you deserve better than to keep choosing to be in a relationship with an abuser, and I hope you'll find the emotional strength, help and resources you need to escape the prison that is your marriage.

[SooSad33]

How can you 'not care'? he is emotionally abusing.. no? Belittling, etc.

 

I have an ex.. who'd lose it on me for 2 hrs.. go on.. and on. I took that crap for 2 yrs.. he was irate!

Finally I took the kids n left! Was not living, walking on egg shells... Nope!

 

He has issues! he needs help... mental problems.

 

IF he's got something.. like is Bipolar? ( search it)... then never try to 'convince them' that they have a problem & seek help. Best to confront when they are 'calm' again.

[surfdiva]

Wow. His behavior sounds a LOT like my ex-boyfriend. I was with him for just over 3 years and lived with him for about 1.5 years. I didn't realize he was so emotionally and mentally abusive until I lived with him. It was honestly the most difficult 1.5 years of my life.

 

I hate to tell you this, but I don't think it's possible for him to change. He is who he is. With my ex, he would say the most horrific things to me and then 10 minutes later come up for a hug and a kiss like nothing had happened. I started questioning my own sanity and what was wrong with "me". I finally had enough of the insults and the constant berating and asked him to leave.

 

I understand therapy is out of the question for your husband, but I think you should seek some therapy for yourself and get a professionals point of view. I'm really, really sorry you're going through this.

[Seraphim]

There are NO tips to fix this. To fix this he has to want to. This is not something you can fix. You are caught in an abusive relationship . And I will bet you anything he is still an addict.

 

Just get out now while you still have some of you left.

[browser]

Most women like you who are in abusive relationships say exactly this. They want to fix him and fix things, sometimes he's really great, etc.

Unfortunately you have a bunch of problems.

He's still an addict.

He's abusive.

You live with him.

He knows how to cut you deeply.

You actually feel sorry for him so give him a free pass to beat you down mentally. Which is where you are now. Brainwashed, thinking it's your job to fix this and if you only tried harder he would stop abusing drugs and stop abusing you.

 

Tell your family and friends about what is going on and stop candy coating it. Save yourself, not him. Contact people and reach out for help. ]

 

Quoted for truth.

 

Things won't get better, and over time the abuse will really do a job on you. Even more than it already has.

 

Relationships should not be this difficult. Who gives a rat's ass that "sometimes" he's nice and funny and all of that. You don't need a Dr. Jeckly and Mr. Hyde in your life. It's almost worse than having the bad guy around all the time, at least you know what to expect.

[rnicole94]

Hi all,

 

This is my first time posting here; sorry in advance for the long and badly summarized post. The reason I'm posting is that I really need some actual practical tips on how to deal with/respond to anger issues/mood swings in a relationship. I've been together with my husband for over 8 years now, and the relationship has not gotten easier. When we first met he was a drug addict, and I didn't realize it. Then I found out, and after a long while he actually got clean and started getting his life together. I thought at the time that all of the hard stuff in the relationship, his frequent anger outbursts (non-physically violent), illogical behavior and nasty mind games were finally over; I honestly thought it used to be all due to the drugs, and that was all behind us now. I could finally love the "real him". We moved in together and later bought a house together.

 

Now we're 4 years later and I feel like he's two people. Sometimes he's the funniest, nicest person I know, and I fall in love with him all over again. Sometimes he is a complete jerk, taking out all of his frustrations on me and actually succeeding in making me feel like it's all my fault, even though I intellectually know (usually only the day after) that I did not do anything wrong. The fights are always about nothing at all, for example I was planning on cooking but he'd rather have some take-out food (no problem) but then the take-out place turns out to be closed. He gets angry, starts taking it out on me, suddenly not talking to me anymore or throwing nasty comments about my weight or appearance. ("Good thing it's closed, you don't need any more junk food anyway") then when I mention it's not my fault the place is closed he starts asking why I'm such a victim, why I'm yelling at him (I swear to god I never raised my voice at all, which is so frustrating). He just says I'm crazy and I don't realize I'm yelling... I swear to you I am not. He just bounces all of these things off me until I really do start to raise my voice (wrong, I know!), at which point he suddenly becomes very calm and blames everything on me. Because, of course, I raised my voice now. While look how calm HE is. He can get so nasty with the mean comments that I start crying, which gets him even more angry: "Booohooo, I'm cryyyying, my life is sooooo haaaard. You stupid , why do you do this?" I swear to god the next day he's normal and nice again.

 

I cannot summarize this in a forum post. The point is this: I am not ready to leave him, because like I said, sometimes he is the funniest, nicest person I know. I want to fix this. And he's gone through a lot in his life. I love him. But I am constantly tiptoeing around his moods, always trying to keep him calm and I'm sure this sometimes makes things worse. I am not handling this well at all. (Actually even got pretty OCD over the past two years; another point of discussion). I need practical tips on how to respond when he gets like this. How do I not care so much about the things he says. What do I actually, physically DO to not let these situations get to the point where I'm hysterically crying and he is hysterically yelling? I tried just leaving for bed, but he comes after me. I tried calmly and logically discussing the situation, but that doesn't work either. I've tried humor (best thing I found so far) but that doesn't always work either and honestly makes me feel like a complete doormat. Please, does anyone have an idea how I can get a grip on situations like this? Obviously, therapy is out out of the question for him.

 

Thanks so much, and really sorry about the rambling. I really appreciate any advice you have.

 

Hello, I also deal with pure anger into my heart. It sounds like something happened during childhood. He's just so angry about. Therapy helps sometimes. But praying to God helps even better. Pray for your husband so he can heal, take all this anger out, go to church. Tell God you need him. Trust me it helps! & ive been dealing with it for 14 years, im now 22yrs.

[cameraclicking]

Ugh. In a similar situation for the same amount of time. Was great at the beginning. Should have known better -- wish I could have recognized the red flag of this person proclaiming their love for me the day after they met me.

 

This person in my life is tormenting me at the moment. Torturing me about every little thing about me.

 

They have been at it for hours. So sick of being called names.

 

This person has the nerve to say awful things about my dead parent whom he's never met.

 

Now he's being an about how I am an only child, hard of hearing, am losing hair due to thyroid problems, have a crappy job, haven't done anything artistic since I've met him...

 

Being called a hurts. I don't care what he says about society forming my ideas on name-calling.

 

I can't stand being torn down for things I can't control such as where I'm from, my hearing loss, the fact that my parent died and that it really affected me because I'm an only child...

 

You are not alone. I am crying for you.

[cameraclicking]

This person gets psychotic when he drinks on his meds. He won't stop talking to me for hours and hours and I just can't get away. I don't have anywhere to go. I guess I could drive to my living parent's house...

 

He says that he has "intermittent explosive disorder" but it's not intermittent. It goes on for hours. I am called fat, lazy, weak...have a low IQ, blue collar...none of which I believe to be true. God I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

I don't want to leave this person...I keep thinking it'll get better. The TV remote was just taken away from me and now I have to listen to how I am such a worthless loser. Sorry to hijack your thread. It's my first time here. I am here for you if you need me.