Commitment issues?

[Lilpink23]

Hi,

 

I began dating this guy about 4 months ago (we met online). For the most part it was great, I felt like i really clicked with him. I have never felt this way about someone before. We have a lot in common and get on really well. I am physically attracted to him but also feel like we really connect on an emotional level. We are both very open about ourselves, want we want and our own insecurities. I know he has been in a past 3 year relationship which I think he felt trapped in and he regrets that the relationship went on for as long as it did. This relationship ended in August 2015. Since then he has has one short relationship at the beginning on this year which lasted a month with a girl who was emotional unavailable.

 

However, in the last week or so I felt him start to distance himself. He took longer to reply to my messages and the last time we met he was definitely more closed off. I know that I have been particularly stressed at work just before Xmas. I later spoke to him about it and he said that he felt like something was missing from our relationship. I am slightly confused as I think everything had been good, too good even until this point and I know he felt the same. He said the problem was not that he wasn't attracted to me as he definitely was. He just felt like something was missing. He did acknowledge that he was a commitphob and that he probably didn't know a good thing when it was in front of him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt me and he mention his 3 year relationship and how it ended. I guess I am just confused/frustrated. I guess he is doing the right thing he feels like he can't commit himself to a relationship than I would rather he just end it rather than be in a relationship for the sake of it. However, it feels like a rather impulsive decision and he has gotten scared of the prospect of being in a relationship. I have enough self respect for myself to know that if he can't give me what I want or need from a relationship then someone else will. I guess that I feel that minus the last week or so the relationship that we has was everything that I wanted.

 

Any opinions/advice about what I should do would be greatly appreciated.

[rosecolored108]

It sounds like he may not be over the fallout from the three year relationship.

 

He may not have healed completely...which is why he is pumping the breaks on your relationship.

 

Him saying "the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me" is a red flag. That means he knows he has the potential to hurt you, because he may not be "all in."

 

Bottom line: sounds like he is not ready for a relationship with you.

 

He should not be having these issues only 4 months in...

[annie24]

I don't know if he is suffering from commitment issues or is "just not that into you", but I think you should walk away and ring in the new year single. Good luck.

[gebaird]

He is probably scarred from his previous 3-year relationship and has a lot of baggage to work through. Sometimes a new relationship will bring old pain to the surface. If you don't want this relationship to end, I would have a very honest talk with him about what he's going through. Tell him you're willing to be patient as he works through his issues, and that you want to help him heal. I suspect he's been fighting an internal battle for the past few months, and he's been able to keep it hidden from you -- but this gets harder as a relationship progresses. Perhaps his instinct is to run whenever he feels discomfort, and if that's what he wants to do then you can't stop him -- but if he stays then perhaps you can help him work through it. However, be careful of the on again/off again trap (a very real possibility in a situation like this), as it will create a lot of instability in your life.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's a serial dater who enjoys a few mos of dating and when the infatuation and novelty fades he leaves.

 

"Commitmentphobe" is a cutesy term he learned from women to use to get out of these mini-relationships. It makes him sound "fixable" or even "scared" or like he has a disease.

 

He has carefully deliberated this, thought of the exit plan and wording, it was not rash at all and he isn't "afraid" of anything. Tell him good bye, good luck then go no contact and block and delete him. Do no take him back if he returns (his new interest didn't pan out)

4 months ago. Since then he has has one short relationship at the beginning on this year which lasted a month. He just felt like something was missing. He did acknowledge that he was a commitphob

[ParisPaulette]

He did acknowledge that he was a commitphobe and that he probably didn't know a good thing when it was in front of him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt me and he mention his 3 year relationship and how it ended.

 

When someone tells you who they are, you need to listen. This is a major red flag. ^^^^^ What's missing is a key component of any relationship that is going to move forward - the desire to move it forward. And that just can't be forced and it isn't dependent on things going good or having a great time. It takes someone saying and deciding to themselves, "I'm going to keep this going."

 

He did the opposite, so end things, block and delete him or he will happily waste your time on hope while he waffles around finding someone else. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't already got his next conquest lined up and that's why you got the speech you did. I had to get really harsh with those people who pull the whole "I am scared to commit." "No son, you get scared of things like rattlesnakes or someone pointing a gun at you. Scared to commit to someone? Pffft, get ouda here with your First World problems!" Someone that fear based is just really unhealthy to have in your life and yes that "fear" or that "manipulation" will extend to other areas of their life, usually when you most need them.

 

Sorry it happened, but your best bet is now that he's told you this is to tell him it's done then and block him and not let him back around to further confuse you or play with your emotions.

[j.man]

Yeah, so here's the thing. Many women are so keen to buy into the whole "commitmentphobe" thing that dudes will use it as a softball to end the relationship with. If they say they're afraid of commitment, treat it the same as them simply not being interested in you. The consequence is the same and you're not stuck dwelling on irrelevant "what ifs."

[SherrySher]

You were feeling it, he wasn't, so to be nice, he told you a long story of being a commitmentphobe, backed up by going on again about the three year relationship.

It's as simple as that.