Panicking for both, myself and my brother: single forever?

[Elllina]

Hi everyone,

Hope I posted this in the right subsection.

 

As the title says, I am really worried and upset...maybe the holidays and reflection along with it don't help.

I am 36, my brother is 40. We are both intelligent, nice people from a loving family (parents married for almost 50 years, really loving supportive upbringing). We both have good jobs in which we are successful and are social, have big circles of friends etc.

But both of us have never really gotten good at the dating and relationship game.

 

Maybe for different reasons.

My brother has never been a classic alpha male, but more of a nerdy smart guy, got along well with girls but friend zoning. He studied engineering and didn't meet many girls during college either. He did have two girlfriends in his life but hasn't had anything like a date at all in 8 years I think.

 

I know he would like to have a partner and I know he has bad self esteem and feels like he isn't attractive to women and is bitter how they are all taken anyway. On top of bad self esteem, he also is biting his nails really bad - which doesn't make a good impression obviously. And he is the kind of guy who is just not so aware of his manners...which must be just the way his brain is wired. My family have been trying to stop him with the nail biting, to start working out (to get rid of stress) etc forever- But naturally, it is hard for people to change.

I am the nagging little sister. Which is horrible but I can't help myself. I see potential that he isn't using and I just want him to be happy and to finally have a relationship, or even just an affair.

 

On the one hand, he is lonely and would like a partner, on the other, he doesn't actively do much for it. He tried to chat up girls at bars, concerts, which never worked, I guess. But he is not trying to do online dating, or getting himself out there at all. He has this kind of personality that is struggling with change, actively doing new things. That's why he never even tries to do something about the nails, about looking after himself etc

 

Myself:

I am more of an "alpha" and I have always had guys interested in me but was never interested in them. No one was ever good enough for me and I always dreamed of the prince. I had one serious relationship - but super long distance. I moved to be with him, different country and all and it was too much for me. I didn't see my whole future with him so I panicked and left.

Ever since then, I only had flings and onenightstands. And never fulfilling. Fell in love 3 years ago for the second time ever and guy turned out to be a massive egomaniac/sociopath who just played me. So that really made me even more bitter and cynical.

Now I just feel like this was it. I dont want kids (which is liberating) so I allow myself to have ridiculously high standards. I rarely even see a guy I find interesting. My gilfriends husbands..I look at them and think "how can she share a bed with him?"

 

Ok, long story short: It just makes me so incredible upset right now...both my brother and I are forever alone. I feel sorry for my parents - who are really so cool and liberal and do not pressure us at all. But I can't help but feel like we're weird failures. I am projecting all my unhappiness on my brother as well. If he had a partner, I would only feel half the stress. Which is ridiculous because he is his own person...

 

I feel like I really despair over this right now. And there is nothing I can do (which is tough because what my brother is lacking in drive to change things, I have an abundance of. I am pro active and can't wait anything out). I can't force my brother to register with a dating site.

I could do this for myself, but to me, this is still so unnatural and not how I want to meet a guy.

 

I don't even know what I want with this post. Maybe just vent, hear thoughts from people who are looking from a completely objective point of view, maybe hear someone can relate...I don't know.

It kills me that I not only worry about me never finding love, but also worry so much for my brother.

 

Thanks for reading!

[Sportster2005]

The holidays to tend to make us feel lonely.

 

You may end up single for life. Frankly there's an upside. Don't discount it.

 

You're brother is a human, not an ape, he doesn't have to be an alpha.

 

Love takes many forms. Romantic love is highly overrated. Surround yourself with loving friends, and selfishly love yourself.

[Wiseman2]

With regard to your brother. Everyone should stop nagging and pushing him. If he wants dating bad enough, he'll start making the changes HE thinks he needs.

 

"Alpha" is a PUA term and means nothing. Plenty of single women would love a guy who's kind, decent loyal, etc. not the tv macho image you and your family think he needs. Why has no one suggested dating apps?

 

As far as yourself? It sounds like you've answered your own questions. You go for "alpha" bad boys and jerks and low standard one nighters, yet ironically, "no one is good enough". Same advice for you. Get a nice profile and pics up on dating sites and start messaging and having coffee meets with men and drop the "alpha" nonsense.

 

Do you both live with your parents?

No one was ever good enough for me and I always dreamed of the prince. I only had flings and onenightstands. I allow myself to have ridiculously high standards. I rarely even see a guy I find interesting.

[Elllina]

Thanks Sportster.

I agree to an extent. I have had periods where I was totally fine with being single because I know I wouldn't be 100% happy in a relationship and I basically do not want to compromize.

What I miss is the excitement of having a crush, or having someone you 're interested in...or just having that special kind of attention/flirting going on.

I know I am not one for the kind of pragmatic serious relationship which is successful in everyday life. I am weirdly romantic/perfectionist in that way.

I guess it also comes down to fear of missing out. Fear of missing a life experience by never knowing what it means to have found a real life partner.

 

And yes, the term "alpha" was silly and I regretted it as soon as I hit send.

 

Thanks Wiseman2:

Alpha...yes, like I said. Sounds stupid and like I have spent time on Red Pill sites haha. Which I haven't but I know of their existence and "lingo".

I just thought it expresses in one word what I mean...

Everyone should stop nagging and pushing him. If he wants dating bad enough, he'll start making the changes HE thinks he needs.

Totally agree. Bad habit of mine to wanting him to change.

 

Dating Apps...yes. I have mentioned it and mentioned "success stories", but like I said. He is so lethargic in that way and has a lot of prejudice and can't bring himself to go on a dating app.

Which I can relate to because it seems so unnatural to me.

 

Regarding myself: yep, I know I have a wrong pattern. I also have this unhealthy fixation on looks. I can't see past it. I need to feel physical attraction and this sadly really depends on good looks, like classically good looks.

But I guess I really need to make fundemental changes and start being open...

 

Oh, we don't live with our parents. I moved out after school for college, and my brother when he finished college.

But we do have a good relationship and I think since I don't have a partner or family of my own, they do play a bigger role in my life than maybe they do for a lot of 36 year olds.

[Wiseman2]

"Red Pill sites haha". Are for misogynistic losers, not dating advice for your brother. Leave him alone and stop projecting your own fears and angst onto him, it's bullying. Stop meddling in his life and picking on him.

 

There are plenty of decent looking guys out there. But remaining stuck in fantasyland as you say, is the main issue. Try to reduce your tv watching and high school notions of relationships with handsome princes. This isn't about looks, by the way.

 

Perhaps you don't want relationships? That's fine and so is no strings sex, fwb, hookups and other emotionally devoid situations. That could be form a delayed or deficient sense of empathy, connection to others, etc. Perhaps from an over-attachment to family or narcissistic tendencies?

I am weirdly romantic/perfectionist in that way. I also have this unhealthy fixation on looks. I need to feel physical attraction and this sadly really depends on good looks, like classically good looks.

[Clio]

No reason to panick. It's the holidays that are making relationship troubles appear more bleak than they really are. Based on what you write, your family does have issues to work on but be greatful that you are all healthy, you have each other and you care about each other! That's more than many people have! Regarding what you wrote, it does sound like you are projecting your unhappiness onto your brother. It probably gives you a false sense of control over things. However, your brother is not a child. He is solely responsible for his life. You sound stuck. Have you ever considered seeking professional help? A third unbiased perspective might help you see things in a new light. The family dynamic you paint is of a family that as loving at it is, enables their members in a way that did not help children to find their way to relationship adulthood. Not necessarily your parents fault! But something went wrong along the way. Further research into the realm of psychology and exploring things with a professional would probably be very eye-opening regarding your situation. Good luck!

[Elllina]

@Wiseman2:

But remaining stuck in fantasyland as you say, is the main issue. Try to reduce your tv watching and high school notions of relationships with handsome princes.

I am painfully aware of this. My rational side knows that I have this silly princess and prince notion in my head which keeps me stuck. But my emotional side, or whatever it is, keeps me stuck in that "I won't settle for less", as well as "I don't even know where to look anymore".

My job allows me to travel a bit and I am in an industry that is male dominated, so at least I get exposure to a lot of guys, from all over the world, from time to time. So I get a feel for what's out there and my horizon widens a bit. But on the few occasions I met a guy I found so much as interesting, he was always married/a dad etc. Which then reinforces my "everyone has a partner/no good guy is single/would be interested in me" self destructive thought spiral - a mix of self pity, frustration, hopelessness and bitterness.

 

That could be form a delayed or deficient sense of empathy, connection to others, etc. Perhaps from an over-attachment to family or narcissistic tendencies?

Sense of empathy and connection to others isn't an issue, if I may say so. I have very honest and close relationships to friends, family (not just my parents, but cousins) and I do think I am very empathetic and caring for others.

Over attachment to family is a fair point. My parents, especially my father, are unconditionally there for me. Daddy issues...not sure. The guys I went for a more the opposite of my father.

Narcissistic tendencies: definitely present. I have this classic twisted love/hate relationship with myself, in that my ego is huge and I only want the best for myself, but I am also horribly hard on myself, feel I need to be perfect...textbook stuff I guess.

[Fudgie]

It sounds like you and your brother are single for different reasons. He has a personality that is pretty stubborn/resistant to change and he's not taking care of himself and isn't making an effort to date. I don't know if he has depression or if he just needs some genuine help but he sounds like the sort of person who may benefit from a life coach if he's having trouble getting his s__t together. My brother sounds a lot like your brother. Now, he has diagnosed Aspergers and awful manners/social skills but he also doesn't really have any desire to date or anything, so no biggie there. But he benefited a LOT from a life coach and he got more organized/focused in his school/career life. He is very happy where he is and that's what matters.

 

As for you, as you said, you have ridiculously high standards. I do wonder if that's something you're doing to keep people at bay because you're afraid of getting close. Sometimes when people have high standards, it's because it's a defense mechanism. Just a thought.

 

Not sure why not wanting kids has anything to do with having higher standards. I don't want kids myself either, ever, and there are no "princes" out there no matter if you're aspiring to be a mother or not. I do feel that your fixation on looks, whatever the reason, is really hurting you. Looks exist on a spectrum and the vast majority of us lie somewhere in the middle, some closer to "ugly", some closer to "attractive", and even that can be rather subjective. And the truth is, people's looks fade as they age anyway, for both men and women, so when you focus so much on a temporary state, you are not going to be happy in the future if you're intending to stay with that person.

 

But you know, as Wiseman said, you don't need a lifelong relationship if you are okay without one. You can be a serial monogamist if you wish. I do believe that not everyone is cut out for monogamy and that's A-okay.

[Elllina]

@Clio:

Thanks for your reply.

 

Based on what you write, your family does have issues to work on but be greatful that you are all healthy, you have each other and you care about each other! That's more than many people have! Regarding what you wrote, it does sound like you are projecting your unhappiness onto your brother. It probably gives you a false sense of control over things.

I agree. I know I should be greatful and our family is pretty ok. It is my need for everything to be "perfect" - or close to perfect according to my wishes. And they comprise me and my brother being happy and carefree and in relationships...Dreamland.

I am definitely projecting. But I also know he is not happy. I am probably unhappier than he is because in a way, he lives his life and isn't as hung up on an ideal of how things SHOULD be. But I know he has self esteem issues and feels lonely and would like to have a partner.

Agree about the control thing too. Definitely an issue for me, that I feel I need to control not just my life, but also his.

 

You sound stuck. Have you ever considered seeking professional help? A third unbiased perspective might help you see things in a new light.

I have had some therapy over the years. Ever since my big break up and life decision (with my only "real love") I have been struggling with periods of low moods and have talked to professionals. The thing is, I basically know my mechanisms and reasons for why I am how I am. I have myself figured out pretty well by now. The implementing changes is the tough bit. And I keep falling into the same trap.

 

But the feedback, completely objective and unbiased, I get on here, already helps me to see things in a new light - or moreso confirm what I someknow know but feel helpless about.

[Elllina]

Thanks Fudgie.

I don't know if he has depression or if he just needs some genuine help but he sounds like the sort of person who may benefit from a life coach if he's having trouble getting his s__t together.

I don't think he is clinically depressed. He isn't a confident "life is just great" person, but then again who is. He does have a brooding melancholic side, but he is also someone who can enjoy life, being social, has a good sense of humor. His job is a stress factor for sure and he has no real stress relief and doesn't get rid of nervous energy.

A life coach...that's the thing wouldn't take up that kind of help. Because well...maybe he isn't miserable enough, and also because he can't get off his a** and do something new. He'd probably also think this wouldn't help anyway. And he has no time and yadda yadda..excuses.

This is what makes me so frustrated and leads to me overstepping boundaries: I see potential for him to make positive changes, but he just doesn't even try.

 

I do wonder if that's something you're doing to keep people at bay because you're afraid of getting close. Sometimes when people have high standards, it's because it's a defense mechanism. Just a thought.

I do think about this as well and it might play a role. I probably have commitment issues. Probably also because the one and only serious relationship I had just failed so miserably - due to external circumstances. Because i couldn't leave my old life/country behind and commit at age 26. Finally having a romantic connection to someone, throwing myself in this relationship with all I had, and then not being able to make it work was definitely something that shaped me. If not to say, traumatized.

 

Not sure why not wanting kids has anything to do with having higher standards.

I meant that I really want a guy based solely on how attractive I find him, and not based on more pragmatic approach (that some women my age who'd want children) of "he is a nice guy, can provide, we get along, he also wants kids". Does that make sense? In a way, I can still allow myself to dream of the prince because I do not feel the pressure to have a family and compromize for that.

 

As for looks, yes I know this is not only immature but also destructive thinking. At the moment, I don't even want or need the prospect of a lifelong relationship. I would be fine with falling in love (and this time it is mutual), having someone at all. I am very much my own person, I want to live by myself. But I miss having some kind of romance at all. Or having a carefree time with a guy. getting some kind of attention and affection from a guy I like.

So this is also why I am more focused on the first impression rather than "I want to get old with this guy and looks will fade".

I am aware this sounds very narcissistic and like I am more after approval and attention than a genuine connection. But if that were the case I would be out hitting bars and getting laid - which I am not at all.

[Elllina]

I replied to Wiseman2 and Clio before, by the way and it said the replies have to be approved by a moderator...

Hope they will show up soon because I made a great effort of replying and explaining myself

[Wiseman2]

Try to leave your brother alone. He has a right to conduct his life as he sees fit and not conform to anyone's way of thinking. Accept him as he is. It's not your call to decide who he should be and how he should live. Find a better project and skip the sibling rivalry.

 

As far as your goals, dating apps are perfect for your needs. You can date casually. Just as for your brother, there's no script you have to follow, so enjoy however you envision romance..or dating. Nothing wrong with calling your own shots when it comes to your love life.

 

Do your parents pressure you and your brother to 'find someone and settle down'? Is that part of your culture or seen as important in your family?

This is what makes me so frustrated and leads to me overstepping boundaries: I see potential for him to make positive changes, but he just doesn't even try.I don't even want or need the prospect of a lifelong relationship. I would be fine with falling in love having someone at all. I am very much my own person, I want to live by myself. But I miss having some kind of romance at all. Or having a carefree time with a guy. getting some kind of attention and affection from a guy I like.

[Sportster2005]

Thanks Sportster.

I agree to an extent. I have had periods where I was totally fine with being single because I know I wouldn't be 100% happy in a relationship and I basically do not want to compromize.

What I miss is the excitement of having a crush, or having someone you 're interested in...or just having that special kind of attention/flirting going on.

I know I am not one for the kind of pragmatic serious relationship which is successful in everyday life. I am weirdly romantic/perfectionist in that way.

I guess it also comes down to fear of missing out. Fear of missing a life experience by never knowing what it means to have found a real life partner.

There's a very important, but subtle difference between compromising and settling. For argument's sake, suppose I have a list of must have qualities I search for in a mate. Some are more important than others. If I refuse to look at anyone that doesn't check off all ten of my checkboxes, that's being uncompromising. It doesn't mean I'm not settling. If she was wonderful and I really connected, I might compromise on fitness. As long as she wasn't in horrible shape and had some energy, I'm likely to be O.K she can't run a marathon. I can compromise of fitness. And like I mentioned, qualities have different weight. If I dated a smoker I would be settling, not compromising. That is non-negotiable.

 

The irony is I tend to settle when I put too much weight on looks. I think I do it reflexively and naturally. I'm aware, but it doesn't always stop me. But not being disciplined on your deal breakers causes bad choices. Don't get me started

 

As far as romance goes, I think I was once like you. Save yourself. Seriously. That magic moment that's going to sustain you for life is just a myth. It only works in Disney movies. I chased this illusion for decades. It was only this summer I had to give up on the notion of 'the one' or 'the love of my life'. I always suspected it. But I had to have it proven to me. And when it was it was very devastating. But it's also probably the most healthy thing that ever happened to me.

 

If I could describe the problem in one word. Infatuation. Some people just naturally seem to suffer it more than others. Chemistry and stuff. There has to be some. But when most of what you are feeling is infatuation you will never be fulfilled. And it sounds like you might be in that boat.

 

Regarding myself: yep, I know I have a wrong pattern. I also have this unhealthy fixation on looks. I can't see past it. I need to feel physical attraction and this sadly really depends on good looks, like classically good looks.

But I guess I really need to make fundemental changes and start being open...

 

This very positive. People can go their entire lives oblivious to what is causing them problems. Good luck on your journey. You will do fine. Think less, laugh more

[Ms Darcy]

With regard to your brother. Everyone should stop nagging and pushing him. If he wants dating bad enough, he'll start making the changes HE thinks he needs.

 

As far as yourself? It sounds like you've answered your own questions. You go for "alpha" bad boys and jerks and low standard one nighters, yet ironically, "no one is good enough". Same advice for you. Get a nice profile and pics up on dating sites and start messaging and having coffee meets with men and drop the "alpha" nonsense.

 

I totally agree with these parts. The only thing I would note is that while plenty of women want kind and loyal men, they don't want someone like your brother. I say that because you say your brother has low self-esteem, is bitter, has questionable manners, and cannot handle change. But that's for him to work through, and not you.

 

As for you, well if you are attracted to the unattainable, then it's for you to work on yourself to get what you really want.

[Elllina]

@Sportster:

Agree on difference compromising vs settling.

My perfect 10 is so unattainable even I know it is unttainable

What I mean by not wanting to compromise is what I tried to explain before regarding not wanting to start a family: I don't have to look for the "mature", adult, longterm mating characteristics...I do expect infatuation and physical attraction, I guess.

On the other hand, I also need someone who is intellecutally in my level, who has a good sense of humor, who shares similar views. So it is not all looks, but really the "I want it all" mindset.

 

I don't have the notion of "the one" though, in a literal sense. Not in a "there is only one soulmate" kind of way. But I guess I am personally just waiting for "A" one to come and be my prince.

 

@MsDarcy:

Sounds logical. I made my brother sound a bit worse than he is maybe. He is friendly and can be entertaining. The bitterness comes through when I give him grief - so not sure if he actually gives off a "bitter vibe" for others to notice. I don't know if he can get rid of the manners issue. It is just kind of a blind spot. He doesn't notice these things..holding the fork correctly, for example. It probably bothers me way more than anyone not related to him.

Surely there are tons of guys with less than perfect manners who aren't confident in all areas of their lives who still found a partner.

 

But agree, he needs to work through his issues himself. But he doesn't. He doesn't know how, or maybe he thinks he can't. Or maybe he doesn't feel he needs to.

Either way, it is not my call to make.

And I understand for good I really need to stop nagging and pressuring him. But I would like to support..and don't know how.

[Elllina]

edited because problem with non visible messages has been solved.

[Wiseman2]

From the Mayo Clinic:

DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include these features:

 

Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance

Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

Exaggerating your achievements and talents

Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate

Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people

Requiring constant admiration

Having a sense of entitlement

Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations

Taking advantage of others to get what you want

Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others

Being envious of others and believing others envy you

Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal and value yourself more than you value others.

[Fudgie]

I agree with the others - your brother is his own person and it's his own problem, not yours, and you should step back. I think a life coach would be great for him - but that's only if he WANTED to change. My brother went to a life coach but he was open minded and he wanted to go. Doesn't sound like he wants to. Maybe he is not ready and maybe he will never be ready. But you know, that is his problem and in order to solve it, he needs to make the effort. So until he is ready and comes to you with a "Hey, you know, I'm wanting to make changes, can you give me some advice/guidance?" then I would leave it alone completely. It's not your responsibility.

 

As for you, it sounds like you're wanting romance/attention and that's well and fine, but I'm not sure why you aren't seeking venues for short term dating/flings. You can certainly find what you want. Are you sure you really know what you want? I can't tell you what you want, no one can, only you can figure that out through some long self-introspection.

 

If looks are what you prize above all else, then that's fine, but like anything else, you will have to "give" in certain areas. Do you really believe that perfect specimens of human, regardless of gender, exist, that your "prince" is out there in his truest form? Because it sounds like to me that you kind of KNOW that this is unattainable deep down. How does that make you feel?

[Batya33]

Yes, in a way you are in fantasy land if you think that women who want children have a -more "pragmatic approach (that some women my age who'd want children) of "he is a nice guy, can provide, we get along, he also wants kids"." -some do and that's most often called "settling" - it's more like this - women with healthy self esteem fall in love with men who have the values that are consistent with marriage and family life -meaning, if they desire to have a family - they have a long term view and sure, head in the clouds and feet on the ground -but please don't tell yourself fantasies about how you are a romantic and the women in their 30s who are wanting a family are "pragmatic" and settle for less than passion, chemistry, love. You might be a romantic and you might just as easily simply be stuck in thinking that a pretty face/hot body reflects what's on the inside, stuck in thinking that you can only be physically attracted to a man who has certain kinds of physical features.

 

Get clear on what you want -become the right person to find the right person. I liked the bad boy types too for a long time - one of them is now happily married to a man, the other is married and sent me inappropriate e-mails and called inappropriately when he was engaged and newly married. But be honest with yourself -totally fine if you want to casually date, or if you want an LTR or a marriage. If you're not or if you rationalize or settle you'll continue this cycle.

 

My married and family life is not perfect at all. I never expected it to be though. As I taught my almost 8 year old son when he was about 5 years old "it's not perfect but it's still wonderful" (because he was perfectionistic about his toys, etc).

 

If your approach is to seek out men based solely on your level of physical attraction to their physical features then I suggest keeping things casual -find men to go on dates with - flirt with, a few laughs, go home (alone because it doesn't sound like you want to do the casual sex thing).

 

Sure that approach might yield long term but it's so unlikely that I think you'll have more fun keeping things feather-light. Maybe at some point you'll want something long term badly enough that you'll reevaluate your approach and standards. But please don't tell yourself that you can't believe how your women friends can sleep next to their husbands -if by that you mean what they look like. They've found the perfect (or at least wonderful!) match for them. And I am pretty sure none of them cares what you think about who they chose as their beloved. Which leads me to something for you to consider - do you just want someone hot on your arm so others will think how hot you are for landing such a "prize?" That's not attraction. And at your age it's less likely that others would notice that in that way. I felt that way in my teens and early 20s -I can relate.

[Elllina]

DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include these features

Scored a yes for 4 of these.

I know I have some traits, but I don't have the delusions of grandeur and some other traits that really qualify for a full blown narcissist.

I am not making excuses though, I definitely have some tendencies. But - and I really just want to mention this again because it also defines me as a person - I am also very affectionate and caring about friends and family. And loyal to the bone.

The preoccupation with how my brother lives his life/his lack of love life stems from my perfectionism and need for control in all areas, but also from a genuine worry and caring for my only sibiling. It unites my two sides basically: the narcissism AND the empathetic caring side

[Fudgie]

Completely agree with Batya that there are other reasons to be a little more pragmatic about choosing partners that have nothing to do with children. I am 100% no-kids and am extremely ambivalent leaning-toward-no on marriage but I still have a lot to gain from picking pragmatically. Namely, I like to be treated well, I value companionship, and I like guys that I can have a monogamous sexual relationship with without worrying about STD protection (so someone who is promiscuous is not right for me).

 

I would definitely evaluate exactly what you're looking for, what sort of man, don't just say "Prince", you should think about what that means for YOU, someone's "prince" is someone else's "frog" so the term isn't really objective.

 

It's totally fine to really value looks and connection but if you want other positive traits in a man, then you need to take those into consideration too when you're seeking someone. You can't just go based on looks alone and then hope to hell that he's half decent on the inside.

 

I would also explore "Why is it so important that I be with someone good looking?" I am just curious here. Is it a status thing for you? Do you think people will see you differently if you're with a man who has better looks than with a man who does not? Do you think it upps your self esteem, thinking "wow, I snagged this good looking one".

[Fudgie]

The preoccupation with how my brother lives his life/his lack of love life stems from my perfectionism and need for control in all areas, but also from a genuine worry and caring for my only sibiling. It unites my two sides basically: the narcissism AND the empathetic caring side

 

I'm glad that you can recognize your desire for control here.

 

I too have that tendency, to really seek control in life and this is something i've been actively working on, with some success. Sometimes, just seeing WHY we do certain things is very helpful in ultimately stopping these tendencies.

 

Next time you boundary-step with your brother, I would remind yourself of what you wrote here. Use your own words. "this stems from my need for control in all areas". Remind yourself who can be worried and caring for your brother without overstepping bounds. Learn to step back and observe even though there will always be a part of you that screams to reach up and grab the reins.

[Elllina]

@Fudgie:

Completely agree on what you said about my brother and life changes. I will probably always feel responsible but I need to step back and a serious goal for 2017 is for me to not nag him about things.

We live in different cities and don't see each other often, we hardly talk on the phone. So when we both live our lives and aren't in a family unite situation at my parents place, I am not constantly thinking about this issue. The holidays, me being in a low mood because of a few additional stress factors (have to find a new apartment, on top my thyroid condition is giving me some problems right now which affects mood) and falling back into old patterns all play their part in why I find this so upsetting and overwhelming right now.

 

I know I sound kind of confused or not consistent.

but I'm not sure why you aren't seeking venues for short term dating/flings. You can certainly find what you want.

I am just not used to it. And I wouldn't really know where to go anymore. Maybe it is a cultural thing, but if we go to bars here, it is mostly with friends and everyone stays in their circle. Those classic "hit me up" clubs&bars are not where I'd like to hang out or where a man I would like to meet would hang out...

My city doesn't have a big nightlife scene for people over 30 really. Again, I am making excuses but just trying to answer this for myself as well.

I just don't see myself getting dressed up and walking into a bar, trying to chat up guys. Not in my city at least.

 

If looks are what you prize above all else, then that's fine, but like anything else, you will have to "give" in certain areas. Do you really believe that perfect specimens of human, regardless of gender, exist, that your "prince" is out there in his truest form? Because it sounds like to me that you kind of KNOW that this is unattainable deep down. How does that make you feel?

Looks aren't above all. I need an intellectual connection as well and I certainly know of the attraction to a great mind, a sense of humor, or other traits not related to looks. But I can't see beyond looks "just" because someone has a great sense of humor. I have met a lot of guys (whether they were available or not doesn't matter) who I thought were smart and funny and where I had great banter. But I still thought "I wouldn't want to sleep with/date this guy".

 

And no, I do not believe in fairytale perfect specimen at all. no true prince out there. I think I just have some requirements - that aren't 100% perfect human being and I do think there ARE guys like that around, walking the earth. But chances that I will meet one AND that he is currently single AND likes me too are very slim. That makes me feel hopeless and sad and also frustrated.

So it isn't a totally deluded mindset where I think I need a perfect human being, designed in a lab, but more a mindset of "I know there ARE guys I could like but they are rare and I won't be lucky to find one of these".

[Fudgie]

Have you considered using online venues? I'm not into bar/party scenes either, never been in fact! I've met most of my boyfriends via online dating and that has worked well for me. You can also seek out new friends and short term dating that way, doesn't all have to be LTR/marriage minded. TBH, I think the majority of people over the age of 25, men and women alike, groan at the idea of going to a bar to pick someone up. It's not a desirable prospect and with the commonality of online dating, I actually think it's becoming a thing of the past a bit.

 

What are your requirements, exactly? Okay, we've established that you're expecting a 100% perfect male specimen...but what is attractive to you? Also, is it very narrow, making it very hard to find someone who "fits" the requirements? Does attraction ever grow for you over time with someone? Have you ever tried to see if it will grow?

[Batya33]

You're still confusing looks with attraction - not the same thing. How about going on a date with someone you don't find repulsive looking and find witty and intelligent. If after four dates you have no desire to kiss him then move on.