mixed signals

[J Miracle]

My girlfriend of 6 years (live-in all 6), left me 3 weeks ago. We had a great relationship in many ways; we shared common goals and core values, made the best of friends, had good communication and attraction, shared eachothers' hobbies, exercised together, plans of marriage and kids, ect. After a couple years, she began to ask me for changes: become more punctual, stop smoking weed, become more responsible ect. I made a huge turnaround, and most of these things I was able to do. I went from a pothead working at a deli counter to a put-together young man, running his own deign company, making 6 figures, fit, saving for retirement and a house, ect. Whole package guy IMO. But she never stopped asking for things, and her "needs" got more and more demanding, and she was giving me less and less time to make changes: Get into therapy, improve your social life, become more ambitious, become a better team player, be more emotionally supportive, stop being defensive, I want better and more sex. It was like playing whack-a-mole, when ever I thought I was making progress in one area, she would have a sit down to talk about another major need that was filling her heart with doubt. I am no saint, I got defensive at times. but I couldn't please this woman for the life of me. over the last 1-2 years, she would break up with me after our talks, then want to start fresh an hour or two later

 

Finally she snapped and told me it was over, but she wanted some time to think and make sure it was the right thing. So we agreed I would move in with a friend for 3 weeks, and we would have No Contact. A week goes by and she shows up at my office uninvited. We talk, cry, I suggest we can just take it easy, go back to dating, no pressure though. Shes not ready, I said lets really do the 3 weeks now NC. A week later, same thing. Shows up at my work unexpectedly, we talk, but she still needs time. Then a day later she leaves me a home cooked meal in the fridge with a note (I came by to get my mail). Then a few days later, she invited me over for a dinner. I come by, its easy going, then we get to talking about the relationship and she says its really over, we shouldnt be doing this. Then she asks for another 2 weeks to think. I give it to her. Then she shows up at my office once more, after the 2 weeks, to give me my keys and tell me its truly over. Said maybe someday it would be amazing to try again, but we shouldnt live our lives as if we will reunite. I made it clear I was unhappy but respected her decision. It has now been a month since that night. I cry every night. We havent had a real conversation aside from logistics via text.

 

During this whole 2 month ordeal, I have only contacted her 2 or 3 times, to say happy thanksgiving and merry xmas. She texted me last week to say she came by my office again, to drop off my mail (I was out of the office). I have keys to our old apartment still. Why did she come by my office? Mail seems like a bogus excuse, I can pick up my own mail while shes at work. I know its over, I know its best for me to move forward, but I feel there is something still there, or else she wouldnt come to my work unannounced for "mail". I replied Thank You. Then I texted her the day after xmas to say "your in my thoughts, hope you had a merry xmas". I got no response, not surprised. Am I crazy to hang onto this mail thing, and hope she will drop by again for another stupid reason?

[gebaird]

The truth is, she probably will drop by -- but I doubt anything will come of it. She's just having a hard time letting go, I think. She was looking to you for happiness and validation throughout the relationship rather than validating herself and creating her own happiness. Her requests for you to make changes were simply projections of her own unhappiness onto you. If a person does not know how to make themselves happy, no one else can take on that burden. She put you in charge of her happiness and -- surprise! -- you let her down from time to time, because you are human. The problem is with the way she is approaching life, not with anything you did or didn't do. And it sounds like a deeply fundamental issue, one that won't go away overnight. Even if she does take you back, it will likely keep ending the same way.

 

I know it hurts like hell, but moving on is your best hope for future happiness. It's possible, but it's not easy.

 

So sorry you are going through this. Especially during the holidays

[J Miracle]

Thanks for your insightful reply gebaird. My therapist said the exact same thing, she solely relied on me for her happiness, My external validation wasnt enough for her. I made my mistakes. But I fought tooth and nail to address our issues. And in her own words, I was at the root of all our problems. No man could have filled the shoes laid before me. It will hurt if/when she returns to my office uninvited again.

[sparkles456]

You fought for her, there is no denying that. I wish I could personally tell her myself what she is throwing away. People change overtime, but no one should be pushing for changes all the time. I have a friend similar to your ex, she is a drama queen. She's never happy unless there is some type of conflict in her life and she complains all the time. Frankly, it's hard to be around and I go through periods where I refuse to talk to this friend because it's so draining. You deserve someone who will bring balance to the relationship. It should be 50/50, not about one person all the time.

[Ms Darcy]

The truth is, she probably will drop by -- but I doubt anything will come of it. She's just having a hard time letting go, I think.

 

I agree with this. Ultimately, I think she has wanted to end it for a long time. Or at least was fundamentally unhappy with the relationship but was either too co-dependent or whatever to pull the trigger and end it for good.

 

For your own mental health, I would completely cut her off.

[J Miracle]

Thanks Ms Darcy. She certainly did talk about ending it for a year or so, but never followed through with it until recently. I think more importantly, for me, is that she wanted to end it because of her own lack of self worth. I cant be responsible for another persons happiness, I can only contribute to a happiness that already exists. Im not expecting her to want to reconcile, I honestly just wish she wouldnt come around unless reconciliation was the reason. It tears the wound back open.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks Ms Darcy. She certainly did talk about ending it for a year or so, but never followed through with it until recently. I think more importantly, for me, is that she wanted to end it because of her own lack of self worth. I cant be responsible for another persons happiness, I can only contribute to a happiness that already exists. Im not expecting her to want to reconcile, I honestly just wish she wouldnt come around unless reconciliation was the reason. It tears the wound back open.

 

I'm not seeing the self-worth issue on her end from what you describe. But if that's what makes you pull the trigger to tell her to stop coming around then so be it.

[Wiseman2]

Wow sorry to hear this. She sounds like a drill sergeant. Chronically trying to fix and change you like a project is a red flag so are the frequent breakups.

 

It sounds like she's testing out another interest and thus is 'confused and needs space'. maintain no contact and decide if you want to move out for good or what it is you really want.

It was like playing whack-a-mole

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[J Miracle]

Thanks all. I doubt she's trying out another guy, but were humans with needs so who knows. Not my business at this point. She had cuts all over her thighs from self cutting with razors in HS. we got together right after she left rehab for an 8 year bulimic disorder. Also a couple months before we met, she self destructed her previous relationship by cheating on her fiance, instead of just ending it. She also had to call an ambulance twice for her mom as a child due to suicide attempts with sleeping pills. I think she has a lot of deeply rooted issueS stemming for childhood. she even told me that when she has nobody to fix/care for, she feels worthless. I care for her deeply and hope she figures it all out.

[Wiseman2]

Pity is never a reason to stay. She needs regular followup with therapy and counselling, not a relationship.

She had cuts all over her thighs from self cutting with razors in HS. we got together right after she left rehab for an 8 year bulimic disorder. I think she has a lot of deeply rooted issues. she even told me that when she has nobody to fix/care for, she feels worthless.