Have I cheated? I haven't been able to relax for weeks, some advice please?

[frankie92]

I've never posted on a forum like this before so hopefully this isn't too long winded!

 

So I'm a 24 year old female and I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (30) for 2 years. I moved from my own country (where we met) to his just over a year ago. This is my first relationship and first sexual partner - I met him about 1 month out of University at my first full-time graduate job.

 

I guess when we decided to move here I had a different picture in my mind - back home we'd always be doing fun activities like going out for dinner and big walks, just generally out having fun TOGETHER. Here it is a completely different story. It's like he had his life here before me but hasn't tried very hard to integrate me into it - he acts like a single guy who happens to have a girlfriend at home. For example, when we first got here he would leave me at his mother's house while he went out drinking with his mates, didn't introduce me or anything until their respective partners were around. At the time I tried to explain that it hurt me - if the situation was reversed I definitely wouldn't leave him at my mum's, I'd want to show off my new partner I brought home with me. I can't even ask when he'll be home from being out with his friends without getting a lecture.

 

Then when I got a job (which was awful and I was miserable and homesick) he would just get mad at me when I tried to vent to him after work about how frustrating it was. I didn't feel like I had any support from anyone here and was so so lonely. Part of me realised I need to create my own separate life here so I've taken up some activities to keep me busy. Everything seemed to be looking up for the most part.

 

However in addition to the fact I've felt so lonely and having trouble adjusting to cohabitation, I've discovered a total of 3 times (once back home and twice here) that he's been on online dating websites where another user had 'reviewed' him saying that she always had a great time with him etc etc.

I pulled him up for this and he said he met her years ago and just needed verification to access other part of the website. Then got angry that I didn't trust him... but it's not just the online dating thing - he went out for a drink with an old friend (female) who I have never met and I was clearly not invited. It made me feel knowing he was out with another woman and came home smelling of her. He says they are just mates and that i should have trusted him. It's just built up a bit of a resentment within me, despite the fact I still love him and we do for the most part have a great relationship.

 

Anyway I started a new job a few months ago and now have a good group of workmates I can hang out and go out with on a regular basis. I've vented a lot of my relationship issues to them, which probably isn't great, but I've had noone to speak to for so long. Cut to the Christmas party, i got far too drunk and really was being actively pursued by several guys in the office. I didn't have any inclination to cheat but later on I was chatting to one more mature ones who was just being so nice and attentive to me and eventually asked me to go home with him. I had my period so I couldn't have done anything else anyway but I did lie in bed with this guy and chat about life and we kissed once but I felt too guilty to do anything else. I don't even feel like I have a connection with this other guy but it felt so good to have someone compliment me and talk to be about my wants and needs.

 

I've been beating myself up about the whole thing since. Part of me thinks I'm too young for this level of commitment and I now crave that thrill I had with the coworker even though it was nothing.. well... Is this cheating? I've never been in a relationship before and my bf once said to me that if I had a one night stand and it meant nothing he'd rather not know. But now I have to live with the guilt of knowing I cuddled this guy and vented about my life to someone other than my boyfriend - especially when he's been so loving and attentive since the last online dating revelation.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. I don't know what to do.

[Wolfshook]

In my eyes this would be cheating,and while I think that nothing can justify cheating I think you have some bigger problems in your relationship than this.

[Clio]

Yes, it was cheating. Getting drunk is no excuse. There is no excuse for cheating. You are clearly unhappy with your boyfriend and it sounds like you have good reasons. He doesn't sound trustworthy nor a good partner. The online dating thing was unacceptable. Your relationship is not working. The decent thing to do is try to address/fix the things bothering you and if things are not working then break up and leave. Staying around while looking for a replacement and/or cheating is a poor cop out. You have a job. If things are not working, move out and make a clean start.

[Batya33]

I did this too once for similar reasons. I was in my late 20s and my boyfriend was neglecting me at a very vulnerable time for me (my grandfather had just passed away and I was having a lot of stress with my living situation) - I minorly hooked up with a male friend (just some kissing and cuddling) who I had dated in the past and vented too. I cheated -no doubt about it - and I was wrong because I should have either broken up with the boyfriend before doing that or stayed but communicated to him what I was unhappy about and given him a chance to resolve.

 

Your boyfriend is maybe not cheating but he's not behaving consistently with being in an exclusive relationship. My suggestion - what you chose to do, and how you're feeling, is simply telling you that this relationship is not healthy for you right now. Maybe no committed relationship is right now but this boyfriend doesn't seem right for you. In my story - we ended up breaking up about 3 months later -I think he ended it, then wanted me back -for the same exact reasons -he went cold/distant on me and then wanted me back when I told him that I had a date with another guy. Bad dynamic (we didn't get back together ,a good thing).

 

I wish you the best.

[MissCanuck]

I would classify your actions as cheating, yes.

 

But I also think your relationship was doomed even before this happened. Your boyfriend should not be on dating sites whatsoever, and his excuses are laughable. He is obviously not committed to you, and it's not working.

 

I would break up with him and work on getting your own place. It sounds like work and your social life are actually improving so you probably don't need to leave this new place altogether. But I would under no circumstances continue the relationship with your boyfriend. You already stepped out, and it sounds like he probably has too. It's over, for all intents and purposes.

[Andrina]

You're fooling yourself if you think your relationship is "mostly great." He is not accountable to you, as he should be. He does whatever he pleases without a thought to you or the health of your relationship. There are zero boundaries as far as he is concerned. Boundaries are necessary in mature, healthy relationships. You are not a priority. You sought attention from another man which is not right, but it's a symptom of the lack of emotional connection with him.

 

This is not the lifetime partner you saw for yourself, is it? If it is, your self worth is severely lacking. Love itself is not justification for staying with someone when they don't meet all of your major needs. What would I do? Definitely break up and either make a life by myself there or move back to my own country.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

It's cheating. No matter what way or how you look at it. Cheating is being emotionally or sexually active with anyone besides your other half.

 

Anyways as much as I despise cheaters....in your case I don't really blame you. Your boyfriend sounds like a complete nobber. He doesnt introduce you to his friends, goes out and even gets mad for you venting....but it's your fault. Ditch him.

 

From where I'm sitting it sounds like you can find ANYONE better than him. Girls need emotional support as well as love.mdiesnt sound like you're getting that. Do NOT stay with him just because he is your first.

 

I see SOOO many women that just get destroyed for the guy that took their virginity.

 

Find someone new and don't cheat. If you need someone different....break up first

[Unreasonable]

Yes, it is cheating. Not as bad as it could have been I suppose, but still not faithful. Taken people don't get in bed with some guy and kiss.

 

I have doubts about your boyfriend though, and I think you guys need to work on your relationship a great deal more if you wish to stay together. I would say couples couselling.

 

If this is a 'one-and-done' and you will never do it again, and you are 99% confident your boyfriend won't find out, I'd take this as a lesson learned, never put yourself in that kind of situation again, and put this behind you. Otherwise, if you intend to stay with your boyfriend, you should tell him.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

This^^^

 

"Taken people don't get into bed with some guy an kiss"

 

Using the fact that you're on your period is not a valid excuse for "nothing will happen" and I'm sure a lot of guys wouldn't care anyways.

 

The fact that you get chastized by your boyfriend for ridiculous things.....I would break up and then tell him. If I was gonna tell him at all. Does he really deserve an explanation after the garbage he pulls? You get in trouble either way for stuff that's not your fault.

 

I can see why you did it but it doesn't make it right.

[Wiseman2]

Rather than "lying in bed with a guy while on my period because my relationship sucks", move out and go back home.

 

There's no point justifying spending the night with random guys because you are unhappy and disillusioned after making the choice to move in with his family in his country. Why carry on like this?

 

You are not compatible, you are homesick, you hate your job, his country, etc, etc etc. Go Home!

I'm a 24 year old female. This is my first relationship and first sexual partner. we first got here he would leave me at his mother's house. I've felt so lonely and having trouble adjusting to cohabitationI did lie in bed with this guy and chat about life and we kissed once but I felt too guilty to do anything else.

[meoww]

Our partners can't meet all our needs, but being respected and listened to is a nonnegotiable in my opinion.

The world is yours to experience at 24, you don't want to regret investing any more of your time and energy into a dysfunctional relationship (or being exploited by more experienced coworkers.) I think some time alone will open your eyes to the possibilities.