group ostracism

[elephant2097]

I was ostracized once before this from a social circle during my teenage years. I was a shy geeky girl, that was excited at the prospect of entering a circle and having instant approval from members by association. I have problems in my personal home life, so i saw this as an escape and joined the community in an instant. the thing that went wrong was that I wasn't forming deep connections with anyone other than the person who introduced me and perhaps a few others. I lack social manner, and get teased quite a bit for it. over the years I felt the true nature of the group dynamic. its always a group of entitled misfits including myself in some sense. As soon as i felt like I was being pushed out by one person I would do everything in my power to manipulate my way back in. in the end it results in a group group ostracism. i recovered by being depressed for a few years then developing myself career wise and becoming friends with what I thought were more impressive friends.

 

I'm now in my 30's, and I have experienced group ostracism for the second time. I must add that it started just like the first one. bickering between one member, leading to a chain effect catalysed by my attempts to manipulate myself back in - including forming alliances with untrustworthy members. i made a split second decision during a heated argument with my best friend, where I questioned the sycophant shallow friendships which have hurt me. I declared that I didn't want to be friends. I stayed in bed for a month whilst group members erased me from memory, had cryptic angry online messages, and finally formed a closer group dynamic, undoubtedly over shared hatred.

 

I can't wait to move to start my new job. however, I don't want to repeat the same mistake. Please please help me avoid this situation and share similar experiences. I know I did the right thing, by having my say and not being a pushover, but I can't help but feel like I've been rejected. at what age does this phenomenon stop? I know it can happen at the work place but I intend and work in small start ups. A part of me wants to salvage one of the friends, but once I've moved.

[melancholy123]

I am not sure I fully understand this but it sounds like you had a need to be a part of a large group of people and would do whatever it took be remain a part of the group until you felt yourself being pushed out. Is that correct? If so, perhaps you should work on cultivating a good friend or two, not be a part of a large group.

 

Cliques form when many people are involved in one group, and females often turn on other females and treat them badly until they finally give up and go away. I'm female and have felt the wrath of a clique and have no desire to be part of any large group of people.

[elephant2097]

yes you're correct. one of the girls even said to me one-on-one, in a half joking way "show your worth". She became infuriated when I became more liked in that shallow toxic wastepool but also I had a life outside of the group where I excelled in a STEM based career and she remained bitter and working for her family business. In one of the nicest things I've ever done, and usually I avoid any direct confrontation - I said that I wasn't her competition and I was sorry If I wasn't supportive when she felt bad about herself. She was the instigator in the fall out. I pretended to get along with her for a long time as I know in cliques people love to pick sides, and she hold more credibility that I do.

 

I tend to fall into 'hipster' cliques where hostility stems from status rather than gender politics. I'm a really social person despite being extremely shy at times. I thought about this for months and months and I can't figure out how I'm here after the pain of the last friendship trauma. my weaknesses are people gossiping about my personal/family life and put downs to which make me react in an vindictive manner. Also I can't help but 'outplay' anyone who tried to underhand me, but when this turns into a group gang up I'm out of my depth. sorry Im kind of venting instead of asking a direct question

[elephant2097]

my best friend of 10 years and leader of the group hasn't spoken with me for 4 months. I thought we left on civil terms after email each other a month after the event, but the group silent treatment and her not so cryptic angry internet posts say otherwise. I literally don't have a problem moving on, but I want to break the pattern and move on on good terms, and be the accomplished person I think of myself. also the group seems to be rewarding all those who contributed to my dissolution. I don't want back in, im too petty and proud, I just want to feel better

[elephant2097]

[1a1a]

Forget about groups and make friends with people?

[intheferns]

This sounds very high school. I think your problem is you are approaching 'friends' like it's a hive unit that you are joining instead of making meaningful relationships with genuine people. Friendships shouldn't be about jockeying for position or having to manipulate your way into favor, or living in fear of ostracism. That sounds exhausting and either juvenile or political. Instead of seeking your way into groups how about you work on developing realll connections with real friends. I will gladly choose one friend to come over to share a bottle of wine, dinner and good conversation instead of a large group eyeing each other for signs of weakness or disfavor from the alphas.

[melancholy123]

Intheferns said it very well. You dont need to be part of a big group. You've seen it doesnt work very well. Cultivate one or two good friends who are not clique-y or trying to be better than the next person at someone else's expense. You dont need a bunch of friends to be happy I agree, it sound so very high school.

[elephant2097]

that is an incredible dissection. I am ashamed in my attraction to these groups and joining in the captious sycophancy. I told the alpha, who I have been friends with for the second longest that I didn't wish to be a source of entertainment and that I was terminating our friendship. ideally i should have left quietly, but being being pushed out and deflecting so many false desperate characters who I sense don't have an identity outside a trendy clique, i concluded the alpha collected a certain type of character as friends. I'm just as bad as the others, I need to understand why.

[intheferns]

Do you think you tie your sense of self worth into perceived acceptance by the group? Do you evaluate potentional friendships based on their status and potential to elevate yours by association? Once you release the need for that feeling you will free yourself of so much anxiety. What does the approval of a superficial non-friend really provide you? What does their rejection really take away from you? If you had a major loss or a major victory, would any of these people be who you turn to share it? What are you passionate about - do you have anyone you can geek out about your shared passions with? Focus on cultivating relationships that provide mutual satisfaction and enrichment.

 

If you've been so focused on trying to fit in you may feel kind of at a loss trying to figure out an identity that is not a drone devoted to the Queen B and his/her approved likes. Explore some hobbies and area activities and figure out what you really like or want to try. Then go do it! Meet other people who like it - or discover some of your acquaintances are into the same thing and invite them to join you.

[elephant2097]

I see your point about skipping forward and enriching my life with more substance. It might be worthwhile noting that the common denominator in the dissolution of my clique friendships, well two things, one is how I enter as a humble misfit then quickly overturn the hierarchy and become full of myself. second my downfall is people pressing my weakness which is my hiding of my non European heritage to make me feel like an impostor. racist gossip really makes me very insecure. it came out this time around and I explained my insecurity and the best friend understood. however she started telling my story like it was a sob story, which kind of made me feel like she was using this information to collect sympathy. I never found out who was responsible for the invasion of my privacy, but it ate away at me and made me less appreciative. its really very messed up how I'm willing to let powerful people make racist jokes, just as long as I'm part of something. I don't want to be open. I should have the right to share deep insecurity when I feel is appropriate.

 

I shouldn't be giving out my full loyalty to anyone. its too high of a price. I think I also act out in micro aggression because I can't directly confront people, which is quite cowardly.

[Wiseman2]

Keep in mind not everyone will like you. You have no control over that. All you have to do is be friendly and respectful toward people. If they have something up their rear ends about you, do not get obsequious or try harder to get anyone to like you. Respect is more important than like in many cases anyway, it's not as fickle

 

Steer clear of gossip, bullies and Machiavellian tactics. Keep personal life and work separate. Avoid friending on social media or make coworkers a restricted separate group. Boundaries help immensely . So does saying to yourself "Who cares? I don't need anyone's approval".

I must add that it started just like the first one. bickering between one member, leading to a chain effect catalysed by my attempts to manipulate myself back in - including forming alliances with untrustworthy members. i made a split second decision during a heated argument with my best friend, where I questioned the sycophant shallow friendships which have hurt me. I can't wait to move to start my new job. however, I don't want to repeat the same mistake

[Batya33]

I agree it doesn't sound like you want friendship for the right reasons. In high school and college and a bit. Eyond I wanted baldy to be part of a group or clique but I accepted that I do much better having a few close friends and then good friends and acquaintances from various walks of life. Keeps life interesting. I think it motivates me to make new friends and meet new people because I lack that group with whom I do everything. I had one exception and mention it because it was a good alternative - until I moved away from my city - the last 4 years I was a member of a small women's networking and support group that met once a month - invitation only - and that was a group that worked for me because of he structure and boundaries- including that everything said had to be kept confidential within the group. It wasn't perfect but it was a way to feel part of a group in a positive and uplifting way.