2+ years together, still wondering if I'm going to marry her..

[oasisrob22]

Hey all!

 

It's been quite some time since I posted on here. To all the vets on here, hello again It's great to be back and chatting with some sound-minded folks here.

 

I have been dating my current girlfriend for 2+ years. We have been living together for 6 months now. She is by far the best girlfriend I have had, and I can say with confidence she is my best friend. She has amazing qualities, and all my friends really like her and enjoy her company. She works full-time, is in grad school...so yes, on paper she is the perfect woman. We also share a dog together.

 

GF used to ask me about marriage - "When are we getting married?", "Do you know when you're gonna propose?" - about a year after we started dating. She said she felt uneasy moving in together without being married, but alas, she went through with it. She's since dropped the questions and said she doesn't want to pressure me anymore, and has not brought it up.

 

6 months later, I'm still not 100% on board with the idea of getting married. And here's why...

 

1. I feel like GF and I have something missing in the romantic/intimacy section. We go on dates, trips, and we kiss and hug and touch. However, I feel like the romantic spark for me isn't there. I don't feel like I adore her as much as I should, and I feel somewhat guilty about this. In addition, we are both on anti-depressants and one of the crappy side effects is the lack of sex drive. We are sometimes intimate but not nearly enough to where we should be. I don't know if this is just us being together for a couple years, and with this being my longest relationship, I don't know if this is "normal". Maybe parts of it are normal, but not all of it.

2. I am not PASSIONATE about my GF as much as I should be. I do think she is a fantastic person, and I'm very fortunate to have a relationship with her. But I find myself forgetting to do the little things - getting flowers, romantic gestures, keeping the fire burning - and I don't know if it's me being aloof, too comfortable, not caring anymore, or a combination of sorts.

3. I don't feel like I am the best person for her. I think we are very compatible, but I'm not 100% sure if we're compatible forever and ever. I also have things I need to work on myself. I am a few credit hours short of finishing my undergrad degree I was supposed to get 6 years ago; I have very little money saved despite having a good steady income, and I am still working on repairing my credit due to poor financial decisions when i was younger (hence why I don't have much money saved - paying old debts )

4. Lastly, I get waves of GIGS here and there. It happens a lot when I go to the gym - something I picked up several months ago that has turned into 5-6 gym visits per week. Everytime I go, I can't help but notice attractive girls, great bodies, pretty, etc. I know this is normal and it's purely infatuation or fantasy, but then I come home to my girlfriend who lays on the couch during her downtime, zoning out on her phone.

 

The thought of being single crosses my mind from time to time. Not necessarily wanting to date anyone; however, wanting to work on myself and get out there and explore what the world has to offer. I wonder if I rushed into my current relationship several months after breaking up with my ex in early 2014.... I wonder if I should haven given 25-year-old me a couple of years to be single and have fun.

 

Our lease is up in May 2017, and we're going to be looking at different places to live here in a couple of months. I feel like I should invest in more of the relationship, especially on the romantic/intimacy side; however, I wonder if we are better suited as best friends that care a lot for each other but that's it.

 

Looking for any advice, questions, or people who have gone through similar events in their past.

 

Thanks in advance!

[mustlovedogs]

Oh, your poor girlfriend.

 

I think you should see someone to discuss these issues and do it ASAP. She deserves to be let free sooner rather than later.

 

Why do you not want to be with the best girlfriend of our life, your self proclaimed best friend? How could it possibly get better?

[j.man]

Even as someone who believes in marriage being more or less seamless rather than a leap, and having taken nearly three years to seriously consider popping the question, the fact you're debating whether to make ehr your wife or "best friend" isn't good. I might advise couples counseling if you truly are on the fence, but otherwise, it may be lest to let her go.

[oasisrob22]

Thank you both. She is my best friend, and I completely agree with what you both said. There might not be anything better out there; however, if I'm having these thoughts or issues, I'm contemplating if I should let her go or try to work through them. Just on here looking for some confirmation or helpful directions.

[Ksol9]

I know you are being candidly honest about your feelings and that should be appreciated, but I think the spark and passion in a relationship are not just organically there. There is chemistry, but spark, passion, and intimacy takes work to be maintained and kept alive. You have to nurture and grow your love for eachother.

[Almira23]

I have a friend, who was a serial dater and would constantly jump into relationships after her break ups. She would be single for maybe a month before she was dating someone else. Her last relationship came about the same. She started dating a man, who was 6 years older than her. They moved in after dating for only 2 months.

I think that you are starting to feel the same way that she did once the relationship hit the 3 year mark. Accidently, she came across the engagement ring and realized that he was going to propose. She freaked out and realized that she didn't want to get married and questioned the entire relationship.

She never told her boyfriend this. She just asked for "breaks" from the relationship. She used these "breaks" to date other men. She was constantly lying about where she was and who she was with. Meanwhile, her ex would wait for her, do anything for her, beg for her back, and continued living with her while she did whatever she wanted.

Eventually, it all blew up in her face. Police were involved, she lost her ex boyfriend, and her current love interests. She had to move far from the city.

Sorry about the long tangent here, but the point that I am trying to make is that you need to tell your girlfriend how you feel. Don't lead her and have her believing that the relationship is progressing well. She may think that moving in together is the next step before marriage. Maybe you two could benefit from some counseling, but if you heart is really not into fixing the relationship then I would move on.

[MissCanuck]

I think you already know that she isn't who you want to marry.

 

If the spark has never really been there, it's not going to suddenly appear after two years. For me, there needs to be at least that initial chemistry and passion, so to speak. That can become a point of reference when the normal predictability and routine of a long-term relationship sets in. If it was just never there to begin with, well....then I don't believe it can be manufactured.

 

That coupled with the other concerns you have tells me you know deep-down this isn't someone you can envision spending the rest of your life with.

[Beautiful-Love]

Oh man

 

I was in a 7-year relationship and I questioned similar things. I had never been with anyone else but felt something was missing. He was my best friend since 16 and he is the best person thus far that I've ever known. It took a long time for me to finally realize after endless loops of questioning and reflecting on our situation and MY feelings that we weren't meant to be together forever and ever, eventhough we had the future laid out and everything.

 

I think it's a sign if you are questioning your feelings and whether you want to be forever committed to her, as in marriage. If you don't love her the way you should, if you feel you are not going to be happy, then I think best thing to do is let the relationship go. This will give you the chance to explore what you say that you want to do and also a chance for you to find someone who will give her love. In the end, you still care and love her...but maybe not in the way that it should be in a marriage.

 

 

That's my 2 cents. Best of luck.

[Clio]

Stop wasting her time. Break up with her and go your separate ways. Based on your description you don't feel for her what it takes to get married. You tried it out. It didn't work out and that's ok. However, stringing her along past this point is NOT ok. How would you like it if it was done to you? Give yourself a couple of years to be single and have fun. And for Pete's shake don't feed her any of that "staying best friends" crap. There is no way around hurting her but feeding her a "best friend" line on top of it is beyond lame. Imagine being in her shoes. Have some respect. Don't prolong her pain to soothe your guilt and don't use her as a plan b. Go for a clean break up and set both of you free ASAP.

[notalady]

l

 

GF used to ask me about marriage - "When are we getting married?", "Do you know when you're gonna propose?" - about a year after we started dating. She said she felt uneasy moving in together without being married, but alas, she went through with it. She's since dropped the questions and said she doesn't want to pressure me anymore, and has not brought it up.

 

I felt bad for your gf when I read this. I imagine she sees a future with you and want to move forward to marriage, but is now compromising on her own boundaries/rules of not living together before marriage because she thinks that might be what you need to see yourselves progress to marriage, and is now probably thinking everything is going well and just patiently waiting for it to happen. She's probably been advised by others or read somewhere that you shouldn't pressure a man into proposing, to give him time to think about it, so she'd stopped asking about it, but doesn't mean she's not thinking about it and waiting for it.

 

It's not a good place to be. So please, just be honest with her and let her go. She deserves someone who is sure about her and excited to be with her.

 

You can spend as much time as you need (and should) to enjoy being single and take time to figure out what you really want in a relationship.

[oasisrob22]

Got some great feedback here and really puts things in perspective. I breathe hot and cold with my thoughts and sometimes I think I overthink things.

 

Just to clear up some points folks made earlier:

 

- if I do break up with her, I'm not going to feed her any 'best friend' garbage. I've had that done to me before and it's BS. If I cut things off, I want to do it clean so we can both move on.

- We did have initial passion and chemistry for the first 6 months or so. I equated this to the honeymoon phase.

- Continuing on with chemistry, we do get along very, very well -- be it on our own or in social situations.

 

She is the perfect woman no doubt, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's the perfect one for me.

 

I do feel like something is missing right now, but I also could try and focus all this energy into re-energizing our relationship over the next couple of months. People tell me there's no rush to get married, that I'll "know when I know". I don't know if I need to pour more of myself into the relationship to truly know for myself whether she isn't the one for me or if I just didn't try hard enough to see it through, whether it ends in marriage or going our separate ways.

[mustlovedogs]

Keep in mind, relationships take work. It cannot be easy all of the time. If you're not putting in the work, you won't find success anywhere.

 

I suggest you see a professional and see what they say about these feelings. If you feel there is potential, do couples counseling.

[Zaphod]

but I'm not 100% sure if we're compatible forever and ever.

 

If you think it's possible to be sure that you'll be compatible with someone "forever and ever" then you're buying into a myth. Common sense would dictate that to be sure of this is an impossibility.

 

If you took marriage out of the equation, are you happy with her? The thought of marriage often pressurises perfectly good relationships into breaking down. Silly really, considering marriage is an often misunderstood social man-made construct.

 

Do what you want, man. If you like her, stay with her. If you don't then don't.

[tattoobunnie]

Got some great feedback here and really puts things in perspective. I breathe hot and cold with my thoughts and sometimes I think I overthink things.

 

Just to clear up some points folks made earlier:

 

- if I do break up with her, I'm not going to feed her any 'best friend' garbage. I've had that done to me before and it's BS. If I cut things off, I want to do it clean so we can both move on.

- We did have initial passion and chemistry for the first 6 months or so. I equated this to the honeymoon phase.

- Continuing on with chemistry, we do get along very, very well -- be it on our own or in social situations.

 

She is the perfect woman no doubt, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's the perfect one for me.

 

I do feel like something is missing right now, but I also could try and focus all this energy into re-energizing our relationship over the next couple of months. People tell me there's no rush to get married, that I'll "know when I know". I don't know if I need to pour more of myself into the relationship to truly know for myself whether she isn't the one for me or if I just didn't try hard enough to see it through, whether it ends in marriage or going our separate ways.

 

You will always get what you give.

 

And yes, anti-depressants do make a difference.

 

So do you rarely have sex together? I find when someone can't explain what's missing - it's usually a sign that they themselves are not complete.

 

Hope you do realize that marriage is a choice. There's no sign for the Big Man. It's either you do or don't want to with the person in front on you. Search deeper. Figure out what you think is missing, then work from there. You're not going to find it in another relationship till you can figure out what's wrong with this one. If you don't figure it out, you will take the same mistakes onto the next and next relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Are you looking at places together or separately? Maybe since you feel like burned out roommates, separately would be a better idea? It seems if the gym is more enticing to you than going home to her zoning out and she's asking about marriage, you are on different pages with all this, no?

"Do you know when you're gonna propose?" I feel like GF and I have something missing in the romantic/intimacy section. I get waves of GIGS here and there.Our lease is up in May 2017, and we're going to be looking at different places to live here in a couple of months.

[oasisrob22]

I find when someone can't explain what's missing - it's usually a sign that they themselves are not complete.

 

Hope you do realize that marriage is a choice. There's no sign for the Big Man. It's either you do or don't want to with the person in front on you. Search deeper. Figure out what you think is missing, then work from there. You're not going to find it in another relationship till you can figure out what's wrong with this one. If you don't figure it out, you will take the same mistakes onto the next and next relationship.

 

Good insight. One question - if I am not 'complete' (and this might be why I feel like I need to be single and sort myself out), can someone be incomplete yet still be in a healthy and thriving relationship? Or am I to part ways and figure out what it is that's missing, or why I can't give myself fully in a relationship?

[oasisrob22]

Yes, we're under the mutual assumption we are going to continue to live together after our current lease is up in May. I go to the gym first thing in the morning when she is usually leaving for work. I like going to the gym, but I do like being at home as well. When she's not zoned out on her phone, home can be a fun place when we're having good conversations and playing with our dog.

[notalady]

Yes, we're under the mutual assumption we are going to continue to live together after our current lease is up in May. I go to the gym first thing in the morning when she is usually leaving for work. I like going to the gym, but I do like being at home as well. When she's not zoned out on her phone, home can be a fun place when we're having good conversations and playing with our dog.

 

Have you told her about the phone thing? Seems like it bothers you.

 

also sounds like you're both not putting in much effort in maintaining the relationship..

[Wiseman2]

It's the gigs not the phone.

I get waves of GIGS here and there. Everytime I go, I can't help but notice attractive girls, great bodies, pretty, etc. but then I come home to my girlfriend who lays on the couch during her downtime, zoning out on her phone.

[oasisrob22]

Have you told her about the phone thing? Seems like it bothers you.

 

also sounds like you're both not putting in much effort in maintaining the relationship..

 

Yes and she usually puts it away. I joke with her that she's obsessed with her phone but she laughs and says she's not.

 

She does a bit to maintain the relationship but she's also busy with school and work - which will be that way for the next 1.5 years. That has also been tough.

[sparkles456]

I feell that if my bf was thinking these things I would like for him to talk to me about it. Please don't just end things with her without explaining (if you decide to breakup). She may cry and beg, but if you have doubts they're there for a reason. You guys can try counseling, but I think it's a pretty bad sign you're having these feelings. The fact that you've posted about this tells me you already know what you need to do. I'm really sorry, this can't be an easy decision. I am very sorry.

[notalady]

Re-reading the first post, I really can't see what's wrong with her or the relationship, other than the fact that you simply don't want to be in it. And that's fine. You should do what you need to do, and don't stay just because you're afraid of the consequences.

 

But objectively speaking, it sounds like everything is going just fine, no one is still feeling passionate about their partners after 2 years, it's more of a comfortable contentment, you still do nice things like dates, holidays, be affectionate, but as for passion like the way it was when it first started? No way.

 

Also, no one really still expect flowers and romantic gestures for no reason after 2 years (unless it's a special occasion), romance take on a new meaning, doing chores when she's tired is romantic, cooking her favourite meal or dessert is romantic, going to see a movie she likes but you don't is romantic. Giving in the most practical ways is romantic, not restricting to flowers and other superficial things.

 

It's also pretty normal for partners to each do their own thing when living together, whether that's on their phone or not, as long as they are also spending a decent amount of time together.

 

And no one really knows for sure if they'll work out "forever and ever", if they seem compatible after 2 years, most people are satisfied that what they see is what they'll likely get, so if there are issues now, don't expect things to change, if there aren't any issues so far, things are going well, most people would feel pretty confident that things will most likely work out in the long term. No one can predict the future, only make informed decisions based on the information they do have.

 

Anyway it all sounds pretty normal for a LTR. It really just sounds to me like you're not ready to settle down with one person, and also has more work to do on yourself, which is fine. But don't stay in a relationship and make someone else wait for you.

[Ms Darcy]

Good insight. One question - if I am not 'complete' (and this might be why I feel like I need to be single and sort myself out), can someone be incomplete yet still be in a healthy and thriving relationship? Or am I to part ways and figure out what it is that's missing, or why I can't give myself fully in a relationship?

 

Rob - good to see you around again! A few thoughts for you to consider.

 

From what I remember, you had some similar thoughts about this girlfriend in November of 2015 - just over a year ago.

 

She is my best friend. I feel like we talk all the time and the conversation flows freely. She is extremely thoughtful, supportive, successful, easy-going, and possesses a lot of qualities you would want in a long-term relationship. She is definitely the best girlfriend I have ever had...

 

However, over the last few weeks or so, I have had these nagging thoughts about wanting to be single. I'm not interested in dating any other woman or hooking up with other girls. You see, I started dating my ex 2.5 years ago; we broke up over a year ago, but 3 months later, I started dating my current girlfriend. I feel like I didn't give myself that time to be single for a while, enjoy life, figure myself out as a person, try new things. Feeling like I missed out on some years that could have been spent self-discovering. These nagging thoughts have increased over the last few weeks and now I think about it several times a day.

 

Another big thing is affection and intimacy, or lack thereof. It's disappeared from our relationship. Yeah, we kiss before and after work, and cuddle at nighttime, but we haven't had sex in 3 months. Nor have I tried. My sex drive just isn't there, and I don't know if I'm just not attracted to her nearly as much as the first time we met? Or if it's an issue with me that I need to figure out? If you read my posts regarding my last two relationships, you will see similar issues.

 

She talks about wanting to live together constantly, and is set on wanting to move in together next summer. She also drops hints on what kind of engagement rings she likes. So I know this will all be a surprise to her.

 

Had I not seen this, I might have given you different advice. But your doubts have been happening for more than a year now.

 

Here's where you need a slap on the wrist Rob. Instead of talking to her about it and not increasing your commitment, you have done the opposite. You have kept silent and "moved forward" with getting a dog and moving in with her. So, inadvertently, you are definitely stringing her along. Why? Extreme comfort perhaps. But your actions are a great disservice to her without having a conversation about some of your doubts and suggestions to make things better.

 

I think Wiseman brings up a great point about the lease expiration. You absolutely should NOT move in with her again. I personally think that breaking up with her might be the best path. But if you don't, at the very least you need to stop living together and have an honest conversation about what has been going on in your head.

 

She's not a mind reader and she's never going to be. You know what she wants and you know you are conflicted. It's time to communicate.

[oasisrob22]

Rob - good to see you around again! A few thoughts for you to consider.

 

From what I remember, you had some similar thoughts about this girlfriend in November of 2015 - just over a year ago.

 

 

 

Had I not seen this, I might have given you different advice. But your doubts have been happening for more than a year now.

 

Here's where you need a slap on the wrist Rob. Instead of talking to her about it and not increasing your commitment, you have done the opposite. You have kept silent and "moved forward" with getting a dog and moving in with her. So, inadvertently, you are definitely stringing her along. Why? Extreme comfort perhaps. But your actions are a great disservice to her without having a conversation about some of your doubts and suggestions to make things better.

 

I think Wiseman brings up a great point about the lease expiration. You absolutely should NOT move in with her again. I personally think that breaking up with her might be the best path. But if you don't, at the very least you need to stop living together and have an honest conversation about what has been going on in your head.

 

She's not a mind reader and she's never going to be. You know what she wants and you know you are conflicted. It's time to communicate.

 

Sound advice, and I nearly forgot about that post from last year! Thanks Ms Darcy, and good to hear from you. I think you hit it - our relationship is extremely comfortable. I do need to communicate with her; I haven't been nearly as forthcoming as I should be...

 

One thing that does bug me though, is that I'd be throwing away something solid. I'm not unhappy with her at all. I'm pretty happy for the most part. I'm just in uncharted waters -- longest relationship by far + not knowing to believe if there is "the one" or if I just take what I'm satisfied and comfortable with.

 

Me being a bit of a romantic, I believe in the former.

[mustlovedogs]

Relationships that go long term are about contentment, not sparks and passion and crazy romance.

 

Read up on romantic passion and the brain. Our brains and stress hormones go haywire when we are in the early stages of dating and it's absolutely not sustainable. It's an intense amount of stress that is masked with happy feelings - but stress nonetheless. So contentment is exactly, biologically, where you should be at this point.