My Story of Hope

[rebellefleur]

I've been meaning to make a comeback on this site for some time, as i feel like so many people use this forum for consoling and look for strength, and once they are in a happier place, don't come back as often (as i did.) But i truly wanted to write this because i wanted to give hope and a light at the end of the tunnel for those who are struggling, because i truly never thought i would be where i am today.

 

Some of you may remember me, some of you may have never seen my name pop up on the forum but i was most likely in a situation that you are going through right now. When i was 22, i ended up having my heart severely broken by someone who was selfish, immature, and unsure of his own life- and thus i stayed in limbo with this person for three years. You can look back on my posts and see how dark of a place i was in. I spent three years taking all of the bread crumbs i could, letting him come back into my life, falling for his words of hope over and over, and ignoring everyone's blatant advice to move the heck on. Because in my mind, at the time, he was what i wanted. He was what i thought i'd deserved- and i destroyed myself over it. I would hang on every word, hope for texts, try for NC, break NC, try to be friends, sleep with him just to feel an ounce of closeness to him. I went through everything you probably are right now. I lost my self esteem and my whole sense of being- all for someone who clearly didn't respect or love me. I made excuses for him and for the relationship. I believed that time and sticking around would bring him back. i believed that things could be fixed and that one day we would live happily ever after. I would spent nights crying myself to sleep, losing my sanity, and completely destroying my dignity. I could never fully stick to NC no matter how many people told me to, and even when i was going through NC- it was all for the hope that it would make him miss me. It was vicious cycle and an incredibly dark place, and believe me- i felt like i would never truly find what i wanted or deserved. I truly believed i would be stuck in the darkness forever and that i would one day settle.

 

Until one day, when i turned 25, something clicked. It was right before Christmas and i had finally realized all of this wasted time and energy on someone who clearly wasn't right for me, was exactly that- and i dropped him. I went NC and i never heard from him again. I decided to live my life for me. I had been working part time at that moment and i decided to just start seeing new things. Growing up in the US, i had barely been out of the city i grew up in except for one or two family vacations. I took advantage of having various friendships in other states and went to visit them. I started to live and experience and made new friendships and met new heartbreaks along the way, but looking back it was the most incredible learning experience. I never had anything to do with the boy who destroyed me, but i met new jerks to take my mind off of things and there were times i was in new heartbreaks and new ruts, but i always learned something. I needed to experience new places and new things and new human beings.

 

And then, a little over a year ago, i met a boy who was visiting from the UK for work. I had actually matched with him on Tinder (which i don't completely recommend but i had a success story- be wary that you'll be a lot of idiots on there though lol) in the summer and never got around to meeting him. Three months later, he came back to my city for work again and i had heard from him. He had asked to meet up with me and i was just at the fizzling out point of a really crappy guy i was dating, and i thought "okay, i'll meet this guy because he's made the effort to reach out, but if he doesn't work then i'm giving myself a huge break from dating around." I met him for drinks and it's crazy to say, but every cliche about love came true and over the next few months we fell madly in love. And not in a puppy love, this is new kind of way, but it was the kind of love that i had dreamt about all my life. A year later and some months later, i'm engaged to him and i still look at him as if he's brand new every day. I know in my soul, this is the man that the universe had been gearing up for me to meet. It put every bad relationship, every struggle, every crappy guy and not so crappy guy i'd met in my past- make sense.

 

So what i'm trying to get at right now- is while every situation is different and your struggle will be different and the timing is different- i have been where you are. I have spent nights lying awake wondering if this is what i'll have to settle for. I've accepted the bread crumbs, i've been ignored. I've sent the most embarassing, pathetic text messages in hopes of hearing back from someone. I've had the emotionless, empty sex just to feel close to someone even for a few minutes. I've spent days and nights with someone, knowing i was disposable to them. I've given people second and third and tenth chances in hopes it will be different, knowing in my heart it won't be. I've felt worthless and alone and pathetic and scared and hopeless. I've felt as if rock bottom kept breaking down to a new level of low. I've prayed and hoped for someone to show me that everyone isn't the same. I've listened to the same advice of get over him and it will get better and you need to love yourself first. I've been where you are, and i know that you are looking down a dark tunnel with no light in sight, but i promise you it will get better. I promise that one day you WILL look back and there will be answers for what you are going through now. One day you will be at the top of your hill. You will find peace and love and happiness. So don't give up. And truly, if someone is not fighting for you to be in their life, if they are treating you like you are an option and you are replaceable. If you are not being treated like the most important thing in their entire world- leave. Do not settle for less, because i have, and i now know what it's like to be genuinely loved. And what you think is love now, most certainly is not. Please just cut contact, move on, and find your own magic in this world because it will be completely worth it when you can look back and understand this pain right now.

 

You are stronger that this, you are worth more than this, and everything will be okay. Coming from someone who has felt your pain to some extent, believe me- you need to let go, you need to close this chapter, and you need to go forward in the world to find the love you are meant to have. i promise you, it will be worth it.

[mustlovedogs]

I love this post!

[cyssan]

Thank you so much for this! So inspiring and just what I need right now. Chuckled at this part: "I've felt as if rock bottom kept breaking down to a new level of low. " I was like....so it wasn't just me!

 

Happy holidays to you!

[Viceroy]

Thanks so much for taking the time to post this It was very inspiring to read!!! I was dumped and I found the best way to move forward was with forgiveness. I have realized that if she was meant to be with me, she'll find her way back to me eventually. In the meantime I am taking care of myself physically and mentally, and trying to meet new people