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I slept with him, is a potential relationship ruined?


fuzzybunny92

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I've seen this guy around for a few months and talked to him a while ago but blew him off, then I saw him when I went out and ended up sleeping with him. I actually really like him and would like to get to know him, but I'm worried it's ruined because we already slept together. Another thing is that I had a date the day after we hooked up and I told him. My date and I ended up running into him and he hugged me and seemed intimidated by my date. He called me later that night drunk saying he's taking me on a date and it's going to be great blah blah blah. I was really excited and he said he'd be gone for the holiday and I said that's fine and I'm excited to go out with him. He didn't respond and hasn't talked to me since then. Not even to wish me merry christmas. Is he full of it because he was drunk and saw competition? I don't want to get hurt but I know I put myself in a vulnerable position by already sleeping with him.

 

Hopefully I'm just overthinking.

 

Thanks a bunch!

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I've seen this guy around for a few months and talked to him a while ago but blew him off... Another thing is that I had a date the day after we hooked up and I told him. My date and I ended up running into him

 

Read again what you wrote above. You seem to like creating drama. Would you want to date you? Would you trust you? Regardless of what happens with this guy, it sounds like you seriously need to change your ways if you want a healthy relationship.

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I don't like creating drama. I didn't expect to get drunk and hook up with him and I only told him I had a date because he works in the area we were going to. He asked me how it was going and I said the guy is sweet but not my type. I recently got out of a 3 year relationship in May and I'm just now starting to date again, so maybe I don't know what I'm doing.

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Dating after an LTR tends to be challenging so no need to be hard on yourself. Apologies for being blunt. However, based on what you wrote you may want to avoid getting drunk around people you are potentially interested in. You are also under no obligation to volunteer information about your dates to each other. If you know you risk running into them it would be best to try to change the venue. Either way, it's best to avoid talking to them about each other. If needed you could say that you are in a phase of getting to know new people and leave it at that.

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Why would it ruin the potential of a relationship?

 

of the girls I'm seeing at the moment the one I've slept with thus far is the one I like more than the others. Why? Well because for starters we have been intimate together so I feel closer to her, I think back to sleeping with her and spending time bonding with her fondly and would like to see her again in a physical and social context. I'm definitely open to seeing where it goes as far as a relationship goes.

 

sex is a big part of any relationship. The ex I was in love with and wanted To be with forever and left me had a very strong sexual compatibility with me. She set the bar so high... I'm not going to settle for anything less. I'd much rather sleep with someone faster in order to see if we are compatible on that level.

 

just like I want to spend time talking and experiencing things with them to see if I'm compatible on that level also.

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" I didn't expect to get drunk and hook up with him and I only told him I had a date because he works in the area we were going to. He asked me how it was going and I said the guy is sweet but not my type. I recently got out of a 3 year relationship in May and I'm just now starting to date again, so maybe I don't know what I'm doing."

 

Of course you didn't "expect" - you had no idea he'd even be there. It's about choices and responsibility. You chose to get drunk and you chose the consequences. You had no reason to tell your date you had a date with someone else - he works in the area -so? So if you ran into him (very unlikely) you simply would have kept the conversation short and moved on and if he found out then, ok.

 

Sure, you might start dating the guy you slept with but understand that he might not be interested in putting himself out there again since you recently blew him off. I don't know that the sex matters - what matters more is how he views your choice to have sex while drunk and your choice to tell him about your other date.

 

It's not about being new to dating - nothing to do with dating - common sense about understanding it's your choice to get drunk and accept the consequences, common sense about not oversharing information that might put someone off or hurt their feelings.

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Well, yes and no. First off you blew the guy off to begin with, so I'm not sure why suddenly now that you've slept with him you've decided you want a relationship. It doesn't work like that.

 

But here's the simple facts, seeing you out with someone else right after sleeping with him put a serious dent in his ego. And that doesn't speak well of the man, because he hadn't asked you out on a date - the other fellow did that, so drunken hookups or not - that boy needs to up his game if he likes a woman. And the fact that he didn't ask you out before getting into a drunken hookup with you pretty much is a sign that he was not looking for a relationship to begin with anyways. He wanted a hookup, he got it, he was probably still high on endorphins so he did the whole "I'm gonna date you," which means absolutely nothing if they don't date you before trying to bed you in terms of "I am serious about this person as potential relationship material."

 

Regardless, the guy couldn't even have the manners to wish you a Merry Christmas. Delete this one off the list and learn that drunken hookups before proper dating usually spell, "This was never serious relationship material to begin with." In other words, I don't think you sleeping with him scotched a serious relationship, that was never on the table to begin with.

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Sleeping with someone straight away does take the mystery and romance out of things. Taking things slow, getting to know one another, having romantic dates and starting off by sweet gestures and holding hands all go out the window when you bed someone so quickly. People might say it's not a huge deal, but it does change the dynamic of everything and 9 times out of 10 it will hinder the relationship from being long term or on a more serious level. The honeymoon phase seems to die a very quick death with sex so quickly as well.

The main reason being is, intimacy has not built up. I don't mean physical intimacy, I mean intimacy where you've gotten to know someone quite well, you've shared deep moments together, you understand each other and are good friends and so on. If you've not got any of those things in place and shove sex into it, it makes it all ass backwards and can be awkward and disappointing in a very short time period.

 

As for you running into this man with another date, it does leave a fairly bad impression. I mean, being out on a date the day after you've slept with someone never looks great, right?

I would say you've started off this situation with this man very badly. Perhaps it's fixable but it's not the best if you have to fix problems and make things comfortable again this early on.

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I've seen this guy around for a few months and talked to him a while ago but blew him off, then I saw him when I went out and ended up sleeping with him. I actually really like him and would like to get to know him, but I'm worried it's ruined because we already slept together. Another thing is that I had a date the day after we hooked up and I told him. My date and I ended up running into him and he hugged me and seemed intimidated by my date. He called me later that night drunk saying he's taking me on a date and it's going to be great blah blah blah. I was really excited and he said he'd be gone for the holiday and I said that's fine and I'm excited to go out with him. He didn't respond and hasn't talked to me since then. Not even to wish me merry christmas. Is he full of it because he was drunk and saw competition? I don't want to get hurt but I know I put myself in a vulnerable position by already sleeping with him.

 

Hopefully I'm just overthinking.

 

Thanks a bunch!

 

You slept with a guy then had a date with another guy the next day?

 

You yanks, man, I'll never get my head around your dating protocol.

 

How "modern"

 

Also, to "Blow someone off" means something quite different in the UK.

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You slept with a guy then had a date with another guy the next day?

 

You yanks, man, I'll never get my head around your dating protocol.

 

How "modern"

 

Also, to "Blow someone off" means something quite different in the UK.

 

Well to be fair not all us 'yanks' behave this way, this yank sure doesn't.

 

Don't multi-date either (tried it, don't like).

 

Not judging OP, just saying we all don't behave this way.

 

I might have sex early on, and have, but ended up having a LTR with the guy (my ex).

 

Others will wait weeks or months to even have sex.

 

There are approx 300 million people in US versus approx 65 million in UK, so naturally in the US, there is much more diversity among people in their thinking and actions.

 

No doubt that diversity exists in UK too?

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Well to be fair not all us 'yanks' behave this way, this yank sure doesn't.

 

Don't multi-date either (tried it, don't like).

 

Not judging OP, just saying we all don't behave this way.

 

I might have sex early on, and have, but ended up having a LTR with the guy (my ex).

 

Others will wait weeks or months to even have sex.

 

There are approx 300 million people in US versus approx 65 million in UK, so naturally in the US, there is much more diversity among people in their thinking and actions.

 

No doubt that diversity exists in UK too?

 

Doesn't sound like multi dating - she is not dating the guy she had sex with - they met up randomly got drunk and had sex. My mother dated in the 50s - she dated different guys as a teenager before going steady. In the 70s-90s I did the same. But I didn't have casual sex and neither did she. Yes some people who date more than one person at a time have sex but some choose to so they don't put all their eggs on one basket before getting to know someone to know if exclusivity makes sense. People who are marriage minded for example and don't want to forego getting to know a potentially good match just. Perhaps he's had one or two dates with someone. Or 4 or 5. But the OP chose to get drunk and have sex and share that she'd have a date with some guy the next day. That's not multi dating and I'm not sure it's modern - haven't people been getting drunk and booking up for decades?

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Doesn't sound like multi dating - she is not dating the guy she had sex with - they met up randomly got drunk and had sex. My mother dated in the 50s - she dated different guys as a teenager before going steady. In the 70s-90s I did the same. But I didn't have casual sex and neither did she. Yes some people who date more than one person at a time have sex but some choose to so they don't put all their eggs on one basket before getting to know someone to know if exclusivity makes sense. People who are marriage minded for example and don't want to forego getting to know a potentially good match just. Perhaps he's had one or two dates with someone. Or 4 or 5. But the OP chose to get drunk and have sex and share that she'd have a date with some guy the next day. That's not multi dating and I'm not sure it's modern - haven't people been getting drunk and booking up for decades?

 

Okay it's not multi-dating, that wasn't my point. I just sort of threw that in as an afterthought.

 

Zaphod had suggested this is typical behavior of most, if not all, Americans (yanks) which it is not.

 

We are all different in how we think and behave, w/ respect to dating, relationships, politics, everything.

 

That was my point.

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Okay it's not multi-dating, that wasn't my point. I just sort of threw that in as an afterthought.

 

Zaphod had suggested this is typical behavior of most, if not all, Americans (yanks) which it is not.

 

We are all different in how we think and behave, w/ respect to dating, relationships, politics, everything.

 

That was my point.

From what I've heard in the U.K. Multi dating is less common than in the US. My pint was that having casual sex is not multi dating and I wouldn't know whether there are different trends in the U.K. I think there is a lot of individuality on dating and on my two decades plus experience I also noticed a lot of patterns which made dating easier because many of my peers followed the same patterns when it came to asking out and what a date meant and when it typically took place etc. also patterns and typical behaviors around casual sex especially if two people met while out at a bar or club. That is why for example on this thread people feel comfortable making somewhat general statements like Sherrys post about the risks of having sex in that situation and the risk of the impression it can give.

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Well, thanks everyone for your responses. I do feel a little judged. I don't multi-date at all, I haven't even slept or went on a date since my break up. I have never even had a one night stand, which I guess is why I got so attached easily. I feel as if I opened myself up to him and now I'm getting shunned which really hurts my self-worth. I texted him yesterday and asked how his Christmas was and he didn't respond, but he's still on social media and what not. I just don't understand why he'd call me after I left my date and tell me he really wanted to take me out, but now he's disappeared. Maybe I'm just too emotional and it's not even a big deal, but it really hurts me. I wouldn't of slept with him if I wasn't drunk and I also wouldn't of told him about my date, but I was excited and it slipped out while under the influence.

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You're not overthinking anything, in fact you're being quite realistic.

 

You're dating multiple guys and sleeping with at least one of them.

 

Guys will not look at you as a serious relationship partner with any sort of potential, and for good reason.

 

I understand, but I only went on one date with one guy and told the guy I slept with that I wasn't interested. I guess alcohol caused me to act stupid and now I have to pay for the consequences. I just wish he didn't lead me on after seeing me on a date. If it gave such a bad impression, why call me and tell me he wants to take me out on a nice date? I tried contacting him but he didn't respond, so there's that I guess.

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I understand, but I only went on one date with one guy and told the guy I slept with that I wasn't interested. I guess alcohol caused me to act stupid and now I have to pay for the consequences. I just wish he didn't lead me on after seeing me on a date. If it gave such a bad impression, why call me and tell me he wants to take me out on a nice date? I tried contacting him but he didn't respond, so there's that I guess.

 

Alcohol didn't cause you to do this. You chose to drink and therefore chose the consequences. Very important distinction. He didn't lead you on at all -you chose to have sex with him.

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