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This is where it ends.

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Dear M,


Even tho I truly do not want to, I’ll have to let you go. And that is exactly what I am doing at the moment. Your heart may be in it, but your head is not. On a rational level I know it is best, emotionally I just cannot wrap my head around it. Fact is you indeed are just out of an long term abusive relationship. You are young, insecure and got massive walls up. While often is advocated that ‘I am not ready to date’ means ‘I am not ready to date YOU’, I am pretty sure that in either case, at this moment, you are not even ready to date anyone at all.


I believe your interest was genuine. I mean. It’s funny when your friends, family and co-workers start making remarks about your behavior towards me, start teasing you everytime you mention my name, start saying things like: “Ah there she is again, around Vinny, what a coincidence” long before I even picked up the signs, and truly noticed you. That must say something. However, everytime this happened, also after we started going out together, you were quick to get on the defensive and act like nothing was going on. It almost felt like you were ashamed of it, like you didn’t want anybody to know. Like you didn’t want to accept it for yourself


Right from the beginning you were honest with me. I appreciated that. I were not to expect anything from you, you called yourself an emotional wreck and was not ready for a relationship. I accepted and respected this. All I wanted was have fun together. Yet, as often, your actions didn’t match your words. But in this case, the other way around. Your words told me to stay away, your actions gave away your growing affection for me. Your actions gave away emotional attachment. And your actions also gave away how your head kept fighting it. After every great date we had, it was like clockwork: The following day you would be cold and distant. After every time we had lots of fun, you would then be cold and distant.


I respected that every time, did not push and gave you all the space you needed. First slowely, and then at an increasingly faster pace the signs of attraction and affection returned. Untill, at the highest point, when we felt really close, it collapsed again. Like some voice in your head told you you were doing something wrong. And to give you credit, I think you indeed were. You need some ‘alone’-time now.

At last moment you somehow seem to think that ‘taking away the romantic part, but keeping all the rest’ was the solution. I told you I wanted to be your lover and won’t pretend to ‘just be your friend’. I also told you that I could understand is the time was not right for that. All you could say were exactly the same words you used earlier: “I am not ready”.

Still you are trying to get my attention. Still you show affection, Still you show being hurt by the fact we are not as close at the moment as we have proven we can be. But can we really be? Because every time we got there, it seemed some little voice in your head told you It was not right, it shouldn’t be.


I am not done with you M. Not at all, nor may I ever be. But I am done with how you make me feel. I am done with this emotional rollercoaster. I don’t know how you feel. Nor do I believe that I will ever know. The walls you have up, right from the start, are way too big for that. I could guess you feel guilt towards your ex that is still chasing you. Guilt for trying to move on, or being with someone else. I could guess you feel guilt towards me. I could guess you feel guilt towards ‘society’ that frames that you shouldn’t hop from one relation into another. I could guess you have developed feelings for me, but I could also guess that it turned out all to be fake. After all, it is a classic rebound.


However, I hope that you feel like you finally got some ‘me-time’ now. I hope you will start feeling better and start recovering from the hurt you must feel. I hope you get yourself back. Well, at least my head hopes so. My heart is shattered, even tho we only dated for 2 months. In those two months I’ve had a preview of how you can be, how WE can be. And it hurts me knowing that it probably will never be. Also I probably will never REALLY get what is going on in your head. And I will have to make peace with that.


This is where I step out of the ride. The ride was amazing and terrifying at the same time. I brought me lots of joy and also lots of hurt in the process. I am not putting up with that any longer. I won’t stay your friend, since I will always hope for more. I won’t stay your friend since I would still have to deal with your hot and cold behavior. I won’t stay your friend since any contact we have will still be toxic for both of us. I won’t stay your friend since what you need is a TRUE friend, and dear M, we never were.


Take care M.

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