Rejected after admitting to my feelings and wanting to date my friend.

[L24]

I fell in love with my best friend. She means everything to me. Been friends for 8 years.

We had a brief moment years ago when she might have felt more. But it ended before it began. I have held that flame for her for years. We act like a couple without being a couple.

The other day I asked her if she wanted to date. She said no. later came out I was wrong gender, then spark we has years ago was a brief moment in her confusion. But I confirmed her sexuality by us not working out.

She said she wants to be only friends and I keep asking her if she wants more then I get depressed because of rejection. I know I was in the wrong pressuring her.

She wants me to move on and find someone else and be happy. I hear these things but right now I am finding it hard to accept them. I care too deeply for her.

Near Christmas too I regret asking her. She wants to be friends and I need to move on because she doesn’t want a relationship with anyone.

I stupidly get jealous about the idea of her having a boyfriend. It might not happen for ages….

I hope the pain of heart ache gets better. I realised what originally attracted her to me years ago and how my confidence and obsession has prob put her off for good. And then I go back in a loop to but I am wrong gender and she wont ever feel this way about me.

I am not sure if I am struggling with the rejection, her not ever wanting me, the idea of searching for someone new.

My problem is with finding someone new is having to start. Dating sites?? And yet.. I feel like all I am doing is rebound. I feel like would be unfaithful, I would care about someone new whilst my heart will always have some connection to my friend. I don’t want to cut ties. She means so much to me, years of friendship is worth more to me. My head and friends say she doesn’t want a relationship with you she is a good friend. My heart is going I love her and I hate that I will never be with her.

 

This all sounds very selfish and I am not thinking of her. Very hard when you care so much. This is all very fresh happened few days ago. Tearing myself apart over it.

Does this sound similar to anyone? What is your story? Do you have any advice?

[Creacion]

She sounds like a good friend. she'll respect that you will be socialising in different circles once you're ready to start dating. you'll be ready to start dating when you're ready to start looking. Sounds like you've been hiding behind a friend, but she's not the excuse. It's just produced anxiety and fear of the unknown. It's okay looking for a new love does that but it's less fearful once you start with letting go, taking baby steps, maybe start with dating yourself by taking your self to places that you'd like to go, have your own hobbies, life etc..

[Andrina]

I don't know how you can be best friends with someone and not know their sexual preference. Just know that when two people are young and without partners, friendships can be all encompassing and very close. Things change over time however, for most of these types of friendships and they evolve into something else over time. Sometimes a person moves away for education or for a job. Sometimes a person gets a partner and has less time for the friendship. Sometimes friends grow apart. You have to realize that what you have now was never meant to last as it is now.

 

You can cherish the memories, but you should start to wean yourself away a bit from her and spend more time with other friends and hobbies and other interests. It's true that you can't emotionally bond with someone when you're hung up on someone else. You have to start seeing her less often and train yourself to see her as a buddy. You will get put on the back burner when she finds a bf. That's the way of life. He will also sense your jealousy and interest in her and that'll make it even harder to stay friends. Your new gf also won't appreciate you staying so close to a woman you really wanted.

 

Life is full of disappointment and wishes that don't come true, but in the future when you are ready, fate has a surprise for you. Someone unexpected shows up who is crazy about you, and you feel the same, and then you see why it had to happen the way it did. Take care.

[Inner Fire]

I personally have been in a relationship where I was 100% sure that I was in love with them and that I wanted to be with no one else the rest of my life. But when it ended up not working out, with much difficulty and time I moved on. Now I am happily married to a man I consider to be my soulmate - and I can see now how the guy before wasn't good for me, even if I wasn't able to see it back then.

 

Essentially, it's just going to take time and conscious effort on your part to move on. You should limit your time with her, maybe even stop seeing her for a while, to give your mind and heart time to recover. It's pretty much impossible to move on when you see the person all the time. That's not to say that you can't be friends any more - you can - but you need to take a break. I'm sure she would understand, since as your friend she would want what is best for you. Step one is allowing yourself some time to grieve what you cannot have - it's okay to feel sad about it, and you have to let it out. But step two is starting to make a conscious effort of moving on - when you start thinking about how much you want to be with her, re-direct your thoughts. For example, instead of thinking "Oh, I'll never get to do that couple activity with her" redirect your thoughts to "I can't wait to find the person I will do that couple activity with!" It's a lot of effort, and it feels pointless at first, but believe me it does help. It adds up.

 

Just know that there is no such thing as that "One perfect person". You can and will move on. It will be hard, but you CAN do it and you WILL be happy. It may be hard to see right now, but I remember a darker time in my life where I thought I would never be with the person meant for me and if that me could see me now she wouldn't be worried at all. Me now would tell me then "Hey, don't worry! There's someone way better waiting for you and you'll be glad you went through the effort of moving on so you could meet him!"

 

Good luck, and remember that you are worthy of love. You just haven't found your person yet - but you will!

[photograph11]

I am in almost an exact same position. And believe it or not, a few days ago this all happened to me too. Except that we were very physical, cuddling like a couple all the time. I'm not sure what to do either. I feel a sense of hurt and anger towards her. But another part of me feels like I miss her and just don't want to change anything since this is such an important friendship in my life. I'm very torn apart. Just know you are not alone and am glad to see that I'm not alone.

[L24]

I don't know how you can be best friends with someone and not know their sexual preference. Just know that when two people are young and without partners, friendships can be all encompassing and very close. Things change over time however, for most of these types of friendships and they evolve into something else over time. Sometimes a person moves away for education or for a job. Sometimes a person gets a partner and has less time for the friendship. Sometimes friends grow apart. You have to realize that what you have now was never meant to last as it is now.

 

You can cherish the memories, but you should start to wean yourself away a bit from her and spend more time with other friends and hobbies and other interests. It's true that you can't emotionally bond with someone when you're hung up on someone else. You have to start seeing her less often and train yourself to see her as a buddy. You will get put on the back burner when she finds a bf. That's the way of life. He will also sense your jealousy and interest in her and that'll make it even harder to stay friends. Your new gf also won't appreciate you staying so close to a woman you really wanted.

 

Life is full of disappointment and wishes that don't come true, but in the future when you are ready, fate has a surprise for you. Someone unexpected shows up who is crazy about you, and you feel the same, and then you see why it had to happen the way it did. Take care.

 

Yes, sorry was confusing how I phrased it. So there was a time three years ago she was unsure, but she felt something more to me. For years I have gone along thinking that she would want to be with me and not my gender. But I was wrong. It appears to be a major factor. Which hurts a lot.

Thank you for your comments, really helpful and insightful.

[L24]

I am in almost an exact same position. And believe it or not, a few days ago this all happened to me too. Except that we were very physical, cuddling like a couple all the time. I'm not sure what to do either. I feel a sense of hurt and anger towards her. But another part of me feels like I miss her and just don't want to change anything since this is such an important friendship in my life. I'm very torn apart. Just know you are not alone and am glad to see that I'm not alone.

 

Sad for you too. Although I am pleased I am not alone in this and thought I could be more with a friend.

[L24]

I am having problems coping with this. Every day I wake up, remember what happened and sit and cry. I can't seem to stop being jealous of non existent boyfriends she may have in the future. Stupid I know. And I hear all the lovely advice you are all giving and yet I feel like I am dying inside.

All I wanted was to be with her. I know I am insane because she doesn't want me. I have gone through loops of thinking well as she pointed out when we first met I was obsessive and wanting to be close to her all the time. So maybe if I gave us more distance and started to have my life on tack again maybe she will. And don't ask her if she wants more despite feeling so strongly for her.

Then the gremlin on my shoulder comes along as says, no no she is straight, she will never love you, move on with your life, Ps here are some images of her with a boyfriend. Joy.

 

I spent 2 hours on Christmas day in bed crying. Feeling like my heart is breaking again and again every time I think of her.

My mind is getting so bad were head rules heart, reality check followed by hope to keep going then reality check... What kept me going was the idea one day she might say yes. Worth noting 3 years ago reason we didn't follow feelings was because I had lots of hang ups on ex. Now I am ready and she doesn't even want to be in a relationship with me partly because I am female, apparently my actions confirmed this. I am hating my very soul right now. I am close to just giving up entirely. I can't live without her, yet I am unable to live with the fact I will never be able to be with her. This cycle happens so much... Its Christmas, the last thing I want to do is call up another friend saying I cant live on. The truth is brutal and I cannot deal with it... So may times I have had female friends say you would be perfect as a partner if you were a man. My best friend for 8 years, who I hoped cared for as a friend, says the same....

 

Please help? I can't live with this pain anymore.

[Inner Fire]

I know it's hard but it won't be like this forever. I was where you are now - every day was agony, switching between crying and really bad anxiety attacks. It went on for weeks. I didn't think I would ever get better, I felt like I was dying. I felt like I lost my soulmate and that I would be alone forever. But that person WASN'T my soulmate, and years later I am so happy that I fought through it. I know it's hard to see right now, but with millions of other people on this planet, the chances of you finding someone are really high - it can't be this person, but you won't be alone forever.

 

I know that doesn't help much, because when I was in that place words like that didn't help much. The truth is the only thing that helped me was distracting myself as much as I could with games or chores or work or whatever. If you feel like you can't get through it on your own, you should try seeing a doctor about the possibility of getting medication to help you through.

[L24]

I know it's hard but it won't be like this forever. I was where you are now - every day was agony, switching between crying and really bad anxiety attacks. It went on for weeks. I didn't think I would ever get better, I felt like I was dying. I felt like I lost my soulmate and that I would be alone forever. But that person WASN'T my soulmate, and years later I am so happy that I fought through it. I know it's hard to see right now, but with millions of other people on this planet, the chances of you finding someone are really high - it can't be this person, but you won't be alone forever.

 

I know that doesn't help much, because when I was in that place words like that didn't help much. The truth is the only thing that helped me was distracting myself as much as I could with games or chores or work or whatever. If you feel like you can't get through it on your own, you should try seeing a doctor about the possibility of getting medication to help you through.

 

Thank you.

I understand what you are saying. It is awful feeling.

Half of me agrees and then some times in the day I feel like my life has ended because I am not with her. I don't feel I need medication, I have been through it before. I am trying to see someone for counselling. Help me somehow.

 

I am desperate to see her. Speak to her. But she is silent towards me right now. Probably giving eachother space. Problem is over Christmas. I wanted to hear some kind of response, thank you for my present, merry Christmas. But nothing. Now the new year is approaching and I just want to hear from her. New year and I know new start, but I am feeling so low I can't bare it.

 

Wanted to go where she lives and ask her to come out and walk with me... Every day I don't hear from her I am desperate. This is history repeating itself, my ex 4 /5 years ago. But I had the support of my friend which brought us closer and here we are in this mess....

 

If I don't hear anything by Friday... would it be wrong to message her again.... We have been friends for 8 years.. she knows I would be in pain over this. But she must think for both of us space is needed.

[chitown9]

 

If I don't hear anything by Friday... would it be wrong to message her again.... We have been friends for 8 years.. she knows I would be in pain over this. But she must think for both of us space is needed.

 

It would not be wise to message her again. You know this. In a sense, you are barking up the wrong tree. Don't pursue this. You can learn to love your pain. You are in love with a memory now. You are in the grieving stages. It is a death.... the death of a relationship. Give her a place in your heart and let go................ chi

[Inner Fire]

Thank you.

I understand what you are saying. It is awful feeling.

Half of me agrees and then some times in the day I feel like my life has ended because I am not with her. I don't feel I need medication, I have been through it before. I am trying to see someone for counselling. Help me somehow.

 

I am desperate to see her. Speak to her. But she is silent towards me right now. Probably giving eachother space. Problem is over Christmas. I wanted to hear some kind of response, thank you for my present, merry Christmas. But nothing. Now the new year is approaching and I just want to hear from her. New year and I know new start, but I am feeling so low I can't bare it.

 

Wanted to go where she lives and ask her to come out and walk with me... Every day I don't hear from her I am desperate. This is history repeating itself, my ex 4 /5 years ago. But I had the support of my friend which brought us closer and here we are in this mess....

 

If I don't hear anything by Friday... would it be wrong to message her again.... We have been friends for 8 years.. she knows I would be in pain over this. But she must think for both of us space is needed.

What you're saying here is the sort of thinking I was having about that guy I was talking about. I'm going to tell you what I wish someone told me when I was at that point: Stop rationalizing a way to keep trying to make things the way you want them to be and start moving on. She has made it clear she has no interest in speaking to you right now. That doesn't mean she will never speak to you again, but you do need to prepare yourself for the possibility. To talk to her at all would be pushing it. I'm sure she knows you are in pain, but how you feel isn't the only thing in play here. She probably has a lot of feelings about it too that you don't know about, and one of those feelings is probably that she feels pressured by you to act so she wants to stay away.

 

I'd say it's pretty clear: you need to let her go. Even if there is a slim chance of you being with her someday, you can't put yourself through the torture of waiting for something that probably won't happen. Seek counseling. Consider medication (i know, I don't like medication either but sometimes you do need it and it seems like from your posts you are in a really bad place) distract yourself, spend time with other people. It won't always be this way. If I came out of it happy you can too.

 

I know it sucks where you are, I've been there. I'm sorry you have to go through it.

[L24]

Thanks for you advice.

I had finally seen her, we walked and talked. Several things came apparent, she is straight but bisexuality was something she considered (this is going back those years when it was a possibility) but I pushed her boundaries too quickly. And every time I ask again and again the same loop and I scare her off more. I shouldn't pin my hopes on her and find someone more suited.

 

There was a great number of things we talked about.

My action plan for the year was to get healthier, fitter more social, hobbies all the things I seem to have forgotten. I have become obsessed with her and it isn't healthy because it caused me to melt down.

I know people will tell me no, but I can't help but have a small amount of hope, if I don't have hope then I would probably curl into a ball and not want to get out the house again. Sounds awful but I feel that low about it all.

 

I do feel sad, for which reason, that I don't know what will happen, or I just feel lonely. I know I should give her space again. Learn to be happy with myself before being with another. The way I was before we suggested being together (4 years ago) I was so much more carefree, I rely on her for everything, emotional and problem solving. As if she is my girlfriend. Which is unfair.

 

I have had people say well her loss, move on, etc etc. But its hard, love her and I am struggling to work out what to do. This evening I just felt so down and sad. I was sad when I was with her too. I feel Defeated almost. Trying to take it day by day. But then I hit a wall, wish there was an easy fix.