Need some advice on keeping attraction in the early stages of dating

[dhgravity]

So the reason why I'm posting is because I haven't had much success in keeping a relationship going over the last while. I'll just use the most recent woman I dated as an example.

 

so I met this woman online and we talked for a while and got along great and decided to go out on a real life date and we had a great time together in person and the date just flew by, we talked for hours. When the date came to an end I walked her to her car and kissed her. So we just went out for a second date a few nights again and it wen't even better, we went out for a few drinks at a lounge and we couldn't keep out hands off each other and had a nice kissing session, I told her I didn't want the date to end and invited her back to my place but she didn't seem too keen because it was just our second date, which I totally respect. So we ended the date with a long passionate kiss. When I got home she was texting me how much fun she had and how much she liked kissing me and the conversation progressed to some pretty sexy texts. I really didn't want to go too far with sexting before we really hooked up, I would rather tell her how I feel in person to be honest plus it was 3am at that time. The conversation ended with her saying "you have really turned me on, you are trouble"

 

So the next day I messaged her and said I hope your having a great day, and that i would love to see her again, but no response for almost 2 days until today she said "I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you, things got complicated for me in the last 2 days and I'm not sure where I stand, my ex just reached out to me after 8 months to talk about us ending, it had been a very dark time where someone dear to him tried to commit suicide and he became the main caregiver, leaving town, anyways, i'm sure you don't need the full description. point is it was left in a bad way and I feel as though i need to work through proper closure and not involve someone else, I'm so sorry you've been nothing but great to be around and it feels like a waste to step back from, but I am going to have to focus on this right now and close that chapter properly.

 

I just don't really know what to make of it, part of me is really hurt and mad at myself because I'm hyper analyzing what I did wrong, because I feel like it's just a line, but another part of me finds that to be a pretty honest response but also via text is kind of impersonal. I just don't know how to respond..

 

It's just a bit of a hit to the ego because it felt like things were going so well.. I really just don't know what I'm doing when it comes to dating, some guys just seem to have it so dialed in and know how to get the girl. It's not my goal to play mind games or use women, I'm actually out to try and find a genuine connection and relationship, I just think my approach may be off because it seems to be a reoccurring problem that I end up scaring these girls off.

 

Just wondering what people this of this situation, or any advice on what to say to her.

 

Cheers

[gebaird]

It doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong at all. She's just a girl with a past that caught up to her, and there wasn't enough substance between you and her yet to give her the strength to ignore her ex. Chalk it up to bad timing and probably a bad decision on her part, not some failing on your part.

[Almira23]

Honestly, you shouldn't say anything to her.

I am not trying to sound harsh, but you two just went out for a couple of dates. This wasn't some long term relationship where you have to have closure to move on.

 

She explained what is going on and although a bit impersonal, you can't expect too much from someone you barely know.

I don't think you should respond to her text, but if you insist on saying something then a simple, "Alright, thank you for letting me know. Good luck with everything." text is just fine.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You did nothing wrong. Sometimes people are not over their exes. This happens all the time, no matter what you do.

 

At least she told you early on so you didn't waste any more time. It doesn't require a response but the one mentioned by Almira23 is all you can do.

she said "I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you, things got complicated for me in the last 2 days and I'm not sure where I stand, my ex just reached out to me and I feel as though i need to work through proper closure and not involve someone else, I'm so sorry you've been nothing but great to be around and it feels like a waste to step back from, but I am going to have to focus on this right now and close that chapter properly.

[zeino]

You did nothing wrong. It was just timing and things outside your control. If you think she wronged you, try to forgive her for not knowing what she really wants but for at least being open with you. If you think this kind of stuff damages you seriously, take this as a lesson. Maybe it's a priority for you to know the situations with exes.

 

Don't compare yourself to the other guys. This could happen to everyone. And usually everyone looks so in charge only because you are seeing them from the outside. Like FB, yeah? Everyone has such interesting, happy lives ;-)

[SherrySher]

There's no reason to say anything further, she's not over her ex. It's a shame you got involved with someone who had an ex lingering in the background and has now chosen to see what will happen with him, but this is what has happened.

The best thing you can do is lick your wounds and let it go. Good thing it had only been two dates and it hadn't gone too far. It would have hurt much worse had it been two months down the road and she returned to her ex.

[limichelle]

I agree with the rest it is just bad timing! She is being honest and its good that she is working on getting closure. She is being fair to you remember this as you move forward and find somebody who is available.

 

Lisa

[browser]

I'm thinking her relationship with her ex ended a lot more recently than 8 months before you went out with her.

 

If it even ended at all.

 

You just got caught up in the crossfire, be glad you didn't get sucked completely into a rebound relationship before it inevitably went south like it always does when one person is using another person to try to avoid the pain of a breakup of a prior relationship.

 

Don't be the least bit surprised when you hear from her again, because things went south with her ex. Be prepared to tell her you're not interested in getting involved with a girl who isn't over the last guy.

[dhgravity]

Cheers all I appreciate the responses, it makes me feel a lot better

[Andrina]

Online dating is tough. I did it for a few years when I was single. You do have to date a boatload of people before you find anyone decent. I'd supplement your dating pool by trying meetups.com, or join a co-ed sports team or take dancing lessons like salsa or swing or tango. Hope your 2017 is great.

[KantSleep]

"So we just went out for a second date a few nights again...". I did the Internet dating thing. No way I would take a second date if I wasn't at least somewhat interested. A second date was a big deal to me. So I would say you passed the "test", and likely her story is true. If it isn't true, then I guess she sat back and wasn't feeling it. But I think the former is more likely. You sound like you behaved well. Hang in there, it will happen for you. Good luck.

[Coldarmy13]

I didn't see anything wrong from your end, the way you described it. This one is on her, sounds like bad timing and she needs more time to sort through her past stuff.

 

I'd advise going out on a high note, a positive way. Sounds like you had two great dates and this came up. I'd tell her I understand and that she knows where to find you if she'd like to go out again. LEAVE it at that. No matter her response. Leaves yourself as a very positive memory to her, even if you never hear from her again.. it's a win for you. I wouldn't respond much to anything other than clear interest in seeing each other again. That way she doesn't think she could string you along, although she doesn't sound like the type. Also, should she ever come back, when things go south with the ex, think about whether you'd want to get involved again. Rather than finding someone knew with maybe less baggage.

 

Don't go and try to get her to change her mind or spill your guts to her. That would come off as weak and would most likely be a turn off. You're an awesome person with things to do.. and other people to meet if she doesn't want to hang out again. Use that mindset even if you don't believe it yourself. Fake it until you make it.