How to Reconnect with a former partner/friend?

[comegetsum]

Long story short. Me and this girl tried dating, we hooked up twice, tried dating, she didn't want a relationship. We tried again due to my insistence, again didn't work. She didn't feels chemistry as more than friends. She wanted to be good friends, but I couldn't do it. To save time, we were great friends for awhile casually dating other people, but I could never shake my feelings for her back then. It blew up, I got jealous one day listening to her failed love life and went off on her bc i wanted to be her bf, I betrayed her trust as a friend bc I truly still wanted her. She basically cut me out of her life for good.

 

Fast fwd 3.5 years later with no contact at all. I am in a solid 3 year relationship with a girl I love, a girl I want to marry. I do not want anyone else. That being said, I am still fairly good friends with the above girls sister. The issue is, I have dreams about the above girl all the time. Usually it's us becoming friends again, nothing more, no romance or sex or anything, strictly platonic dreams. I will also have nightmares about how I treated her that time I blew up on her. She is still on my mind subconsciously 3.5 years later. Now I know what people are going to say, I do not love her, I do not want to date her... in hindsight and maturity we were always incompatible, I was trying to force something that could never be. However, I feel like I never got closure. I never got a chance to talk to her on good terms one last time. I've reached out maybe twice in the last 3 years to her, with no response. I don't expect for her to be real friends again, but it would be nice to have one time to sit and talk to her, see how her life has been, apologize to how I was to her, and get closure on it all. For the most part I never had anyone else I didn't get closure from, and this is bothering me.

 

Her sister is going to asker her to come eat with us sometime, but I doubt she will. A year ago she asked and was told "I really don't care to at all." I can't force her to do anything, but I just wish she would be mature enough and recognize all I want is closure on it all. Iknow it may seem selfish of me, but ive tried for 3 years to let it go, it hasn't worked. I feel like she is being a bit selfish too.

 

Thoughs? Thanks!

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you are in a happy relationship now. Everyone remembers their pasts. The breakup was closure. She doesn't have to or want to in be touch a or stay friends. It's not selfish, it's her way of not being friends with an ex.

I am in a solid 3 year relationship with a girl I love, a girl I want to marry. I do not want anyone else. I just wish she would be mature enough and recognize all I want is closure on it all.

[gebaird]

Why not give yourself the closure she refuses to give you? Forgive yourself for the mistake you made when you blew up at her, and let it go. It's only weighing you down because of the way you've chosen to look at it, because of the story you are telling yourself. Sometimes the best way to show someone that you are truly sorry is to leave them alone.

[Batya33]

"Sometimes the best way to show someone that you are truly sorry is to leave them alone."

 

Excellent advice in this situation. Also unfair to your girlfriend who might feel uncomfortable about that kind of contact.

[Almira23]

"Sometimes the best way to show someone that you are truly sorry is to leave them alone."

 

Excellent advice in this situation. Also unfair to your girlfriend who might feel uncomfortable about that kind of contact.

 

 

I also agree with this situation. My college ex, who was very volatile and emotionally unstable towards me would reach out to attempt to speak with me every 4-6 months after we ended the relationship.

 

I never responded and his constant apologies did nothing positive for me. It would just bring up painful memories and make me feel like crap for the next few days. I would feel like my life was going well without the stress and then I would get a message from him..

 

It got so bad that I finally told him off and now, he continues to message me, but I am constantly blocking him.

 

Please, don't be that guy.

[comegetsum]

I have tried to forgive myself, I have tried to let it go. What I cannot do is control my dreams. I cannot ask my brain not to bring it up when I am sleeping. Then it affects me for a day or two. Do not lump me in with someone who is emotionally unstable or volatile, I got upset at her once, I did not lay a hand on her or any of that crap. So please do not lump me in with someone who habitually is emotional abusive or physically.

 

I haven't bothered her really, I mean twice in 3.5 years I reached out, got no response, and let it go. It's not like I am always bothering her. I don't think 2 times in 3.5 years is unreasonable or overly pressuring or keeping someone from living their life.

[Batya33]

I have tried to forgive myself, I have tried to let it go. What I cannot do is control my dreams. I cannot ask my brain not to bring it up when I am sleeping. Then it affects me for a day or two. Do not lump me in with someone who is emotionally unstable or volatile, I got upset at her once, I did not lay a hand on her or any of that crap. So please do not lump me in with someone who habitually is emotional abusive or physically.

 

I haven't bothered her really, I mean twice in 3.5 years I reached out, got no response, and let it go. It's not like I am always bothering her. I don't think 2 times in 3.5 years is unreasonable or overly pressuring or keeping someone from living their life.

 

Of course you cannot control your dreams or feelings. Only your reactions to them - so choose a reaction that is respectful of her space and leave her alone. Twice in 3.5 years = ok, but stop now. IMO.

[ParisPaulette]

If this is really just about wanting to apologize then send her a text or a letter or a Facebook message doing just that. A simple short apology: "I want you to know that I realize I was so out of line that day, and that I should never have said the things I said. I'm sorry, just wanted you to know that, and to wish you a good life. I won't try to contact you and I understand you don't want any contact, and that's totally fine. I am just apologizing for my actions that day. I hurt you and I shouldn't have."

 

And then you send it and you let that be your closure, if that's really all that's holding you back. You don't expect a response, you stop it with the idea that you have to see this woman in person to apologize, because you don't and many times those in-person apologies don't go the way you plan them in your head anyways. (Personal experience talking, it never goes the way you think it will.) And you then end the whole thing, because it's your job to apologize yes. But it's not her job to make you feel good about that apology or to accept it or not accept it or anything else, really. She does not owe you a meeting or any validation at all for the mistake that you made.

 

You do owe yourself the ability to simply apologize and know that's all you can do, because I"m sorry but sometimes we screw up and no one does give us a second chance. And people have the right to choose who they let into their lives and who they keep out of it. And that's just life and you need to understand that and have empathy for her too. You both were wrong, you both messed up, but you are the one who owes the apology so send it.

 

As to the dreams and all that, you need to on waking insert the face and likeness of your fiancee into the dreams and into any thoughts about this other woman. And you do that consciously every single time. And if you still can't get that handled go see a specialist who deals with obsessive thought patterns, because at that point and time the harsh fact is this will not just be about an apology.

 

Anyways those are my suggestions. Real closure is about us forgiving ourselves, not others making us feel good about what we did.

[catfeeder]

I am in a solid 3 year relationship with a girl I love, a girl I want to marry.

 

Well then, learn how to let go of your past. If you need to work with a counselor to do this, pursue one.

 

I can't speak for your GF, but my own private rule for myself is that I will not involve myself with anyone who is tied to an ex lover in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. And I'm not in a minority of people who feel this way. So consider the woman you love, and put yourself in her place. If she were to tell you that she's dreaming about an ex lover and wants to pursue contact with him, how would that make you feel?

 

Head high, and move yourself FORward.