Was it a date or just coffee? And next steps...

[CordelliaG]

I met a guy at a holiday party and we got chatting for a bit. We are both artists and he asked me for my card so he could check out some of my work, and I got his as well. Then he said he'd add me on FB so he did that the next day, and I responded with a nice to meet you message. He asked me for coffee later that week and we went met up four days ago. It was kind of one of those situations where I wasn't sure if we were meeting as friends/acquaintances in the same filed or if it was a date in his eyes or what!

 

Went great, found him really interesting and enjoyable to talk to and we definitely clicked intellectually. At the end when we were leaving he said a couple of times we should definitely hang out again soon.

 

I find him attractive and would be interested in seeing where that goes, but part of me is also very interested in new friends/potential collaborators above all else and am more invested in becoming friends first. Anyway, decided it would be best to just proceed like I would if it were a new female friend I had just met up with rather than get hung up on ambiguity. So later in the day I messaged him some info I had told him I'd send over with a note saying it was nice hanging out and he responded to thank me and said it was great hanging out, too. He then followed me elsewhere on social media the next day and liked a new pic I posted a couple of days after that.

 

The fact that I am overthinking this is proof that I am interested in him as much as I can be after only one meeting up, and since it's Christmastime it's sort of an awkward time to make plans, at least for me.

 

So now I am wondering if I should ask him to coffee again or if I should just wait it out. Again, I'm attracted to him but am really interested in being friends first/foremost. If the attraction were not there, I would have no qualms in asking him to hang out again, but because it is and because I'm not sure the first thing was a date or not in his eyes, the whole thing is confusing!

[Wiseman2]

Lay back a bit on the friendzone style messages if you want to be able to determine if it was networking coffee or an interest in dating. If you keep giving off a friendzone vibe, that's where you'll steer it.

[gebaird]

If you're really in this for friendship (but are open to the idea of more), let HIM be the first one to cross the line from friendship to romance, if that's his intention.

 

Go ahead and contact him, at least to wish him Merry Christmas and possibly to set a date for your next meetup. The more you hang out, the sooner you'll have your answer about what he's looking for.

[KantSleep]

I agree with gebaird about the Merry Christmas text. Shows some kind of interest. But I wouldn't set up the next meeting. Not yet, anyway. See what he does.

[Ms Darcy]

Ask him for coffee again.

[CordelliaG]

Do you think sending the message with the info I told him I would share plus a "nice hanging out" was a bit too friendzoney? Interesting, I never even thought about the concept of a friendzone-vibe message, per se, just that treating him like a friend might help my nerves a bit. Interesting!

[browser]

He was checking you out as a possible relationship partner, that was the reason for the coffee date or whatever you want to call it. Doesn't really matter what you call it, because he doesn't appear interested in taking things any further then just FB friends and work colleagues.

[j.man]

If you're giving the guy friendship hints, cut him a break and be more forward.

[Batya33]

Do you know if he is single and straight?

[CordelliaG]

Do you know if he is single and straight?

 

I know he is straight and am pretty sure he is single. We spoke about how 2016 was not the greatest and he said he got out of a long term relationship with a woman at the end of last year. I also mentioned I was taking a break from dating in 2016 (just remembered that part, oops) so now starting to think I was sending friend vibes.

 

Also, at the end of our meeting he said "great hanging out, we should do it again soon" and then "we should do it again really soon" and am starting to think maybe I was just a bit like "yeah!" without taking the hint.

 

Either that or he's not that into me!

[Zaphod]

I know he is straight and am pretty sure he is single. We spoke about how 2016 was not the greatest and he said he got out of a long term relationship with a woman at the end of last year. I also mentioned I was taking a break from dating in 2016 (just remembered that part, oops) so now starting to think I was sending friend vibes.

 

Also, at the end of our meeting he said "great hanging out, we should do it again soon" and then "we should do it again really soon" and am starting to think maybe I was just a bit like "yeah!" without taking the hint.

 

Either that or he's not that into me!

 

Hurry up luv.

 

You know what's going on, you don't need to ask us.

[CordelliaG]

Hurry up luv.

 

You know what's going on, you don't need to ask us.

 

I'm actually kinda thick in that regard. You mean I should ask him to hang out?

[Batya33]

If you told him you are taking a break from dating he might have taken that to heart (or he might see it as a challenge but I watched too much Bravo tv hallmark specials while on the treadmill yesterday) so yes I would suggest coffee one more time.

[catfeeder]

Do you think sending the message with the info I told him I would share plus a "nice hanging out" was a bit too friendzoney? Interesting, I never even thought about the concept of a friendzone-vibe message, per se, just that treating him like a friend might help my nerves a bit. Interesting!

 

Nah, I disagree with that. You're not even clear yourself exactly where you want to stand with the guy--too new. I like your approach here:

 

Anyway, decided it would be best to just proceed like I would if it were a new female friend I had just met up with rather than get hung up on ambiguity.

 

You've already established that you're interested in one another artistically, and that's all you really need to know right now. Skip categories, skip definitions--just enjoy the simpatico. Over time you'll either discover that you'd make great friends and colleagues, or you'll discover enough about one another to want to take it into romance. Either way, isn't it FUN to hit it off with someone?

 

Head high, and enjOy.

[Sportster2005]

He's probably interested. And if you're not sure what you want, you will send mixed signals. He will get frustrated, and you won't have a friendship or a romance. Figure out what you want, and then be clear about it. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. It's really not that difficult. I'm sure you really do know what you want.

 

Keeping it ambiguous to meet your needs while ignoring the other's needs, strikes me manipulative and selfish.

[catfeeder]

Keeping it ambiguous to meet your needs while ignoring the other's needs, strikes me manipulative and selfish.

 

Keeping it ambiguous until you can establish what you both want from 'this' is how people get to know one another outside the context of a dating app, where you've both already stated up front what you're looking for.

 

So I'm not clear what 'needs' are you referring to, Sportster? If I meet an attractive guy who might have potential for romance, I get to know him a bit to explore that. I don't regard that as manipulating anything beyond the time and opportunity to figure out whether or not we align. That takes his wants into account, because if we miss on those, there's nothing to figure out--and I still get to keep the friendship in its original context.

[katrina1980]

Keeping it ambiguous until you can establish what you both want from 'this' is how people get to know one another outside the context of a dating app, where you've both already stated up front what you're looking for.

 

So I'm not clear what 'needs' are you referring to, Sportster? If I meet an attractive guy who might have potential for romance, I get to know him a bit to explore that. I don't regard that as manipulating anything beyond the time and opportunity to figure out whether or not we align. That takes his wants into account, because if we miss on those, there's nothing to figure out--and I still get to keep the friendship in its original context.

 

Agree with catfeeder^.

 

In fact this can be a very exciting time, when you feel there may be a mutual attraction, but you are not quite sure where you want it to go. Ambiguity.

 

So you spend time together under the guise of "friends" allowing the tension to build.

 

In time, it all falls into place whether you kick it up a notch or remain friends.

 

It should not be forced, it should happen naturally and organically.

 

My first bf and I started out this way. One night after about a month of being "friends" ..... the tension increasing each time we met, he finally pulled me toward him and kissed me!

 

We were together four years after that.

 

Just have fun with it and try to not over-think.

 

Everyone (well not everyone but many people) seem to be in such a hurry, looking for a guaranty that someone is interested... before even asking on a date in some cases!

 

Instead of just enjoying the *process*, enjoying the *dance*.

 

Which is really a shame cuz that process and dance can be really fun!

[CordelliaG]

But if he's probably interested, then why hasn't he called me for another coffee? I mean, besides the holiday thing...

[Batya33]

But if he's probably interested, then why hasn't he called me for another coffee? I mean, besides the holiday thing...

 

Probably the holiday thing. I agree with others who have said that this is one of the best ways to start out a relationship - art in particular is such a great shared interest. I can tell you as a non-artist who knows many and has worked with many - if you date an artist and you are not one, one concern is your partner bonding with someone else over art (especially shared art like theater, or artists' retreats, etc) - it can be a very strong connection!

[catfeeder]

But if he's probably interested, then why hasn't he called me for another coffee? I mean, besides the holiday thing...

 

Interest doesn't have to mean 'hyper' in order to be a good thing. The holiday 'season' preoccupies people for weeks through New Year's day. I wouldn't bank on anyone's focus being placed on a relative stranger when traveling, hosting family from out of town, or playing out plans that have been in place long before you even met.

 

I'd pipe down and see where things go.

[browser]

But if he's probably interested, then why hasn't he called me for another coffee? I mean, besides the holiday thing...

 

He's probably NOT interested, which is what I said originally. You're still waiting around for him to contact you and that's the wrong approach.

[katrina1980]

He's probably NOT interested, which is what I said originally. You're still waiting around for him to contact you and that's the wrong approach.

 

Don't agree.

 

In a perfect world, sure he would ask her out and everything would flow just right.

 

But dating, relationships, people, the world are not perfect, far from.

 

Despite a strong attraction, people do feel ambiguous. Clearly, the OP herself is!

 

I mean let's face it, OP herself said she would *prefer* to be just *friends* for now...which may and probably is the vibe she's sending.

 

But yet she wonders why he isn't pursuing her, in the typical sense. [scratching head emoji]

 

OP, figure out what you want.

 

If you want more than friends, then ask HIM for coffee or drinks.

 

If you only want friendship (for now) then relax and let it play out.

 

ETA Agree she should not be "waiting around.". Not sure she is, but if she is, best she doesn't.

 

No one should ever *wait around* for another person. Live your life, and let whatever happens, happen.

 

If that means asking him out, then do so!

 

If you would rather not, then again relax and let it play out.

[Sportster2005]

Keeping it ambiguous until you can establish what you both want from 'this' is how people get to know one another outside the context of a dating app, where you've both already stated up front what you're looking for.

 

This is how SOME people get to know each other. I don't see why people shouldn't be stating upfront what they want, regardless of the context.

 

Some ambiguity is a fact of life. Trying to be ambiguous is manipulative. A more common name or it is 'stringing along'. Indecisiveness is a fact of life. Remaining so is an explicit avoidance of responsibility.

 

 

If I meet an attractive guy who might have potential for romance, I get to know him a bit to explore that.

Correct. You're seeking clarification.

 

That takes his wants into account, because if we miss on those, there's nothing to figure out

It may, or may not take his wants and needs into account. We shouldn't set our behaviour based on what we assume the other wants or needs. And how can we determine that, as the OP implies, we don't know what our own are?

 

--and I still get to keep the friendship in its original context.

If friendship was indeed what BOTH wanted it. And it was clear, and unambiguous, and was known early.

 

Not all, but I suspect, and would be surprised if I'm wrong, men see the world differently when meeting and dating women. If we click and there is attraction we're not likely interested in friendship. The sooner we know where we stand, the sooner we can move on, if we are out of alignment.

 

I can understand misunderstanding and vulnerability clouding things. But if anyone, man or woman, intentionally creates ambiguity, or by lack of action allows it, when they know they ought not to, is being manipulative.

 

At the very least, if someone doesn't know what they want, then communicate that. As the OP stated, she doesn't. She shouldn't allow that very important piece of information to be hidden and held in secret. There can be no harm in stating that. If he's not interested, then they can continue as friends. If he is, he know has important information to make important decisions.

 

If I'm sitting on the fence about someone, I set them free. I don't keep them guessing.

 

If someone else is sitting on the fence about me, I set myself free.

 

If people sought clarity, and not ambiguity, we probably wouldn't need this website.

[CordelliaG]

 

At the very least, if someone doesn't know what they want, then communicate that. As the OP stated, she doesn't. She shouldn't allow that very important piece of information to be hidden and held in secret. There can be no harm in stating that. If he's not interested, then they can continue as friends. If he is, he know has important information to make important decisions.

 

This is a very good, strong point and I agree, but the problem is that if he had the whole friendship idea in mind in the first place (considering we bonded initially over a shared professional interest/passion) then it would be weird for me to come out and say whether or not I'm interested in him romantically considering that's not the reason we met up in the first place.

 

And since he didn't state whether he's into me romantically or not, is that not just as manipulative and stringing-along-ish?

 

At this point, I am interested in seeing whether we could be compatible for romance, but again it's too early to know without getting to know each other first.

 

If he does like me in that way then he's leaving the ball in my court and if he isn't that's OK too, because he'd still make an interesting friend.

 

My main concern is whether I should text him for another coffee this week, wait until next week, or not do it at all.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think texting him now or next week will matter at all. If he's interested, he's interested. If he's not, then he's not.