His overlapped relationship seems to work - I'm left devastated after LTR

[AbandonedMe]

Hi everybody!

 

I’m reading here on ENA for quite a while already and finally decided to share my story. First of all, sorry for my language mistakes.

 

The guy I love broke up with me around 3,5 months ago. We were together for almost 4 years and both of us are from different countries and English is not our mother tongue. The moment I met him back in 2011 changed my life. I fell in love with him quite fast and was heart-broken when I had to leave his place again. It took me around one year to manage to move back in his country again and during that time inbetween, I never forgot him. Though he had doubts getting together with me (he got influenced by friends telling him it wouldn’t work out cause of mentality differences), he couldn’t resist in the end and followed his feelings, so we finally got together when I came back to him. We became a couple and were crazy in love. He wrote me love letters 20 pages long confessing his love and how thankful he ist hat I entered his life and that he never felt like that before.

 

We lived together around a year but I had to go back for studies so we decided to have a LDR. This never was a problem cause we managed to see each other quite often, travelled together to different places and texted and skyped each day with each other. Problems just raised during the last half of year in our relationship. I got very clingy and needy and I suffered from a depression. I went to therapy but it didn’t help. I got stressed by my studies, my two jobs and by my life without my boyfriend at my side, I was simply missing him immensly. The more I got clingy, the more he distanced from me though. Moreover, I initiated a really stupid, crazy argument with him out of a jeallousy-attack and even insulted him non-stop… I’m ashamed about that. I apologized many times but after this heavy argument, things changed for him… He gave hints he wants to break up, but also that it is very hard for him to do so. I talked to him and he changed his mind to break up, everything went on as usual.

 

Some 20 days after that argument, he suddenly stopped texting me and didn’t pick up the phone anymore. I got so panic that I flew to him for only one day to apologize personally and to talk about what happened. I thought everything would be fine in the end cause he was really happy seeing me, he took care about me, flirted with me, we had sex, everything was as usual and he just claimed to feel like he has „no emotional power“ at the moment but he would give us time.

 

Around 1,5 weeks later, he broke off again all contact though meanwhile things started to get better with us again. After around 4 days of no contact, he wrote me a sms and finally broke up with me. He sayd we would be too different, he would have lost feelings, the last weeks would have been devastating, he is burned-out and he has no power for a restart.

 

 

Later on, I found out he cheated on me couple of days ago with a co-worker. They drove to a conference abroad and had sex in a hotel. They actually knew each other since a couple of years, but they were never close. He sayd he didn’t want to betray me but he talked with her about his situation and he felt so empty and then it happened….

He immediately deleted all our common pictures on FB and he wanted no contact. He also refused seeing me for closure, he sayd he cant, it would be „too bitter“. I accepted everything he told me on phone and didn't freak out. Since that, I rarely contacted him. Just two text messages and one phone call after around 3 months. When we talked, I was crying and telling him that I still feel for him and would wish a slow restart. He sayd this wouldnt work out cause such restart in his experience would just work out after longer time. He would have lot of problems to solve first with himself, same for me. He claimed to miss me but in the end I asked him if he is in a relationship and he sayd yes. With the girl he cheated on me. (I wasn't sure about this as he hides tagged pictures with her, but I saw one at another friend's profile). I was devastated and afterwards wrote him that I’m shocked he can be so fast in a new relationship. I wished him all the best and wrote him I wont contact him anymore, but that he can contact me when he feels ready. I also wrote him I can be happy without him and will do my way, but that I wont forget our precious time.

 

After all, 3,5 months after the break up they are still together and he seems really inspired by her: She is the opposite of me! She seems self-confident, super busy (she owes a horse and is semi-professional competition rider) and as if she knows exactly what she wants in life. My ex isn’t is into horses. But who knows…Maybe he will show interest for her. He seems so affected by her right now, like a teenager who is totally crazy in love (he is beginning of 30’s...).

 

He sayd he missed me to be more self-confident and he was exhausted by our different languages and by distance (this is what he sayd during the last half a year a couple of times). He also sayd he is too weak to handle himself, he would need a strong partner. Nevertheless, he all the time confessed his love to me and that I am his big love of life and such stuff. Even after the big argument he still told me he’d love me but it makes him sad that we argue so much.

 

Well, I guess my chances for a reconciliation are more than bad. I am so super sad and heart-broken. I would have loved this guy fort he rest of my life, I am so into him and I feel stupid that I left my problems in the relationship and crushed it. But I feel I have no chance against that new girl, as she also shares the same interests with him (work-related stuff), they have common friends and he finally gets everything what he missed in the end. They join different career events together for their work as well as concerts anf stuff. It really doesn’t seem to be a rebound, cause she seems to fit perfectly to him and has to offer so much more. He also wasn't showing off with his relationship, in fact rather tried to hide things from me, I guess to not hurt me.

 

I can’t really let him go and don’t know what to do, how to heal. It hurts so damn bad. I wake up crying and fall asleep crying and all I think about is him. It's my first serious relationship and the first guy I fell in love with. I wonder how he could jump directly in a new relationship and how he gave us up so fast without looking back(the distance would have been over now already, I would have moved to him).

 

One more thing to mention: He is definetly not the type of guy who is regulary overlapping and jumping from one relationship to another. In fact, he himself got cheated on by his very first gf and wasn’t able to have relationships for almost three years. After some on-off thing with that cheating ex, he couldnt get serious with any girl until he met me and opened up again and started a relationship. So it is very uncommon for him and I, my friends and family (actually everybody who knows him) are quite shocked that he betrayed me, as we never expacted it from him and as he has huge guilt issues even about small things. Sometimes I wonder how he can still look in the mirror… but he seems so cold towards me and determined in his opinion, that we would be too different…..

 

He is a master in suppressing feelings and he did not deal with the break up in my opinion. On phone he sayd to me he wouldnt be able to answer me any question by now, which shows me that he doesnt reflect the situation.

 

What do you think? Is all hope gone for ever? If a guy decides to leave, even though he misses the ex, will he change his opinion in case his new relationship fails? Can overlapping relationships last, if he made the big catch (but probably didn't heal from his relationship before)?

 

Thanks everybody

[gebaird]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. LDR is tough for anyone. He agreed to it when he didn't have anyone else, but it clearly wasn't meeting his needs (or yours, it seems).

 

You can spend time wondering if his new relationship will really last, how he could move on so fast, etc., but in the end it will just drive you crazy. You need to block him everywhere and find closure on your own -- you'll never get it from him.

 

Focus on your own healing. Create a new life without him and look forward, not back.

[TheT]

The short answer is, only time will tell, and technically, there is always a chance. But realistically it seems slim... Im sorry. Youve made it clear that he is moving on. You should too! Take things slow, focus on having fun for yourself and with others. His ability to reconcile his feelings is now his problem, not yours, so there is no value added to your situation in dwelling on it.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. LDRs are hard for anybody, especially when it keeps happening and there is difficulty planning any concrete way to be together on any long term basis.

 

He cheated and it would be best for your self-respect and healing to go zero contact permanently and stop trying to get him back or hope she's just a fling or that they break up or that she's not his type, etc.

 

Why not restart your life where you are and get more involved there? That would also help you move on and stop hanging on to a relationship that was full of wild arguments and basically, just wasn't working out.

He sayd he didn’t want to betray me but he talked with her about his situation and he felt so empty and then it happened….

He immediately deleted all our common pictures on FB and he wanted no contact. He also refused seeing me for closure. I was crying and telling him that I still feel for him and would wish a slow restart. He sayd this wouldnt work out cause such restart in his experience would just work out after longer time. He would have lot of problems to solve first with himself, same for me.

[AbandonedMe]

Well, I guess you all are right by saying I have to move on, as chances are very slim he would change his mind.

It's just so damn tough, I'm in a kind of crisis right now, at the end of my studies, broken and with difficult job perspectives. Also, I don't have an own living place at the moment cause things got very chaotic the last months and cause I was about to emigrate. I feel lost and can't just text him or call him up, as I was used to do. He was always cheering me up and if he wouldn't have broken up with me, I would have already moved to his country again (that was the actual plan, so there was a visible end of our LDR).

 

I know that he still cares for me and I hope one day he will regret his decision. But deep inside I doubt it will happen cause he feels super guilty and it's easier for him to focus on smthg new than thinking about this mess.

 

I can say I hit rock bottom. I feel my love is wasted and it's all senseless. Wish to turn back time. But there's nothing to do now, hopefully I'll grow stronger from all this crap.

[Wiseman2]

Focus on pulling your life together where you are and in general he can't be your therapist or cheerleader. He needs a partner who he doesn't have to comfort constantly. locally.

 

Breakups hurt but it's best not to get morose and think everything revolved around just one person. If it did that's unhealthy and perhaps some insight into why things were not working. Also keep in mind what you said when you went off on him and why.

 

It's also unhealthy to depend emotionally on someone this much or expect them to provide a place to live and have your future mapped out in his country.

 

Make this an opportunity to deal with depression and dependency and how to enjoy your freedom and plan your own future. Also meet some local people who are the same culture and mentality and language if you are more comfortable with that.

I'm in a kind of crisis right now, at the end of my studies, broken and with difficult job perspectives. Also, I don't have an own living place at the moment cause things got very chaotic the last months and cause I was about to emigrate. I would have already moved to his country again.

[AbandonedMe]

Make this an opportunity to deal with depression and dependency and how to enjoy your freedom and plan your own future. Also meet some local people who are the same culture and mentality and language if you are more comfortable with that.

 

It's not like I felt uncomfortable about our language and mentality differences. I actually like to be in his country, worked there already and started to learn his language. I feel very good and close to his traditions and living style. Otherwise I wouldn't have decided to emigrate, also not for love. I just knew one of us have to move sooner and later and together we decided that I'll move to him cause we both felt more comfortable that way, though living standard is much higher in my country. But this doesn't matter and I felt comfy living abroad.

 

It's just that HE started to feel exhausted talking in english all the time... It was never a topic before, just that time when problems and arguments raised.

 

Nevertheless, you are right saying that I was too dependent on him. I know it was a big problem and it caused a lot of pressure. I definitely have to work on being comfortable just with myself. Now I'm forced to tackle being single anyway.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much, OP.

 

It sounds like this relationship with your ex was fairly dysfunctional, at lest towards the end. All this fighting and jealousy and insults...it's too much and too damaging for any relationship. When that happens, the relationship becomes a chore rather than a pleasure.

 

I know it is hard to believe he stepped out on you, but it seems as if he emotionally detached from you a long time ago. That is what made it easy for him to move on to someone else. Yes, he absolutely should have broken up with you before doing so. The way he went about this is reprehensible. But, I don't believe your relationship would have lasted. It didn't have a solid foundation anymore.

 

Overlapping relationships do sometimes work out, hard as that is to hear. I have experienced it myself (in the position of the betrayed partner) and seen it happen with others. But it is critical that you remember that someone who is able to cheat was no longer committed to you or even respected you.

 

You will need time to heal. If you haven't, go 100% No Contact - including social media. Knowing anything about her or him or their new relationship is detrimental to you. He has already moved on, and it's time you do yourself the favour of beginning that process too

[KantSleep]

Hate to say if but it seems like he is happy with this new girl, based on your description. I would try to move on, if I were you. It is very painful and I am sorry you are experiencing this. Good luck.