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Holiday Season sucks! New person here


WinCity

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Hello all, and Good morning from Ontario Canada - eh!

 

I have been frequently visiting these forums for the previous 4 months - Most of what I felt and advise I could have needed had already been posted so I kind of just observed as a guest. What brings me here today is the fact Christmas is 2 days away and I am struggling. Here's some back story.

 

I met my ex 8 years ago at a wedding. She was a fill in date (a friends cousin) after my original date had cancelled. I thought what the hell why not? She was 18 and I was 24. I wasn't expecting someone very mature or a relationship to come of it. She came and we had a great time and she ended up being more mature than I had expected. The following weekend was my brothers wedding - I asked her if she wanted to be my date for that as well and she accepted. That was the day we started officially dating. We had the weirdest connection I had ever known. We didn't talk about our pasts to each other - favourite colours - favourite foods or favourite movies. We lived in each moment all the time and it felt amazing. We did not argue or fight, EVER. Not getting to know each other better and our values and so on would prove to be the biggest mistake of my life.

 

Fast forward to year 5.

Our relationship had begun to hit a stale point. I was still living at home and she was living with her grandmother (her parents don't live here). The pressures were starting to mount me being 29 and still living at home. I decided that it was time to move in with each other. We moved into an apartment. I was scared, excited, nervous and had all these expectations of what life would be living with the girl that you love. As it turned out, it wasn't as great as I had imagined it to be. I started to resent her because she didn't do very many chores or selfless things. My entire life usually revolves around being selfless. We still never had fights, but we did have bickering matches back and forth. Neither of us were very good at staying mad at each other though, so it was always short lived.

 

After just over a year in the apartment when it started to feel stale again and that we weren't connecting I bought us a dog. It saved our relationship - we both loved him like he was our child. I spent over 6k training him in obedience and scent detection, man tracking etc. It became our hobby. He started to outgrow the apartment and we decided it was time to get a home. She was in school and had no credit but fortunately I have a good career and good credit so I went and got a mortgage and we moved into our first home together. We lived in the home just over a year and as far as who we were as people still hadn't changed much. I was extremely comfortable. Im pretty introverted and she'd always complain that I didn't wanna do things with her and go places with her. It upset me that she made it about herself. It was never about her I loved spending time with her and being around her but I just didn't want to do that same things ALL the time. I realized that I needed to leave my comfort zone a little more if this were going to work out. I started doing more things, things i'd never done that were important to her and things that she aspired for us to do together. In the end, it didn't even matter. She started working at a gym not long after we moved into the house. I could see the change in her attitude but I never read into it very much. I caught her messaging some guy from the gym to meet her there for a yoga class. She was in sales, she claimed it was for commission. What bothered me is that she lied to me about who she was talking to when I saw the message. That was the beginning of the end. The trust was gone, and everything fell apart. I tried harder than I ever did in 8 years for the next few months. It was too late, she was all done. I remember the day she told me she felt numb, and that she didn't know what to do. She stayed on the couch for a week before finally telling me it's over and that she still loves me but isn't in love with me. I got the cliche excuses like I didn't give her enough attention and she didn't feel important. And that I never wanted to do things with her. When i brought up how hard I've been working on it her response was just that it was too little too late.

 

I was devastated (still am), I've had long term relationships fail before and they hurt. Not like this. Since her parents lived 4 hours away I told her she could stay in the house until she found a place to live. It was so hard. But it is just who I am. I knew we had to figure it out so that we could both have a relationship with the dog.

During that month I watched her turn into the most cold hearted and heartless person I felt like i'd ever seen. I could not understand how she could behave this way. We fought and I was upset but she was just shut down. She had already been on dating sites and messaging guys and I even had one of them tell me she had messaged him trying to arrange a booty call (she didn't know he knew me). My heart was destroyed. I wanted her out of the house immediately. We had some back and forths and to keep the story a little shorter she told me it was toxic in the house and she couldn't find a place to live. She was putting her stuff in storage and living with a friend until she found somewhere to go. When I inquired when she said the monday after October 1st. I knew it had to happen. That day it went down, I came home from work and all her stuff was gone, our joint bank account had been drained, the dog and all his vet records and toys were gone and I had been deleted and blocked from all social media and from calling her. It was the darkest day of my life. I went straight to her friends house and already knew she wouldn't be there. She wasn't. She found an apartment and didn't want me knowing where. All of it was planned. It hurt. BAD. She was already out on dates that month. I wanted us to try counseling and she said it was too late but she would go and explain to the counselor why she was done and they could explain it to me since i wasn't understanding.

 

I have spent about 16 hours in 1 hour counseling sessions since than, and everyday it becomes a little bit easier it seems but it doesn't. It's hard to explain to anyone especially since I am not really surrounded by anyone who has been through anything quite like it. I don't think I want her back anymore - I could never be with someone who is capable of the things she did at the end. I think the future grieving and fear of finding someone new, especially with my introversion, at age 32 is what haunts me. I do want to find a wife, and have children, etc. I've been able to make it through the days, but my anxiety for this holiday season is becoming over bearing. I wake up in the middle of the night, with thoughts of her with someone else and me being alone and unhappy. Drawing comparisons in our lives, wondering how she could do this to me, to us, to the dog. My coping mechanisms are losing traction - and I decided to put myself out there and post on here. Ive always been very reserved, and this wasn't easy for me to share. I apologize for the length i didn't expect to write this much. I'm just curious also, what others use as coping mechanisms. The things i used to enjoy, I no longer enjoy it seems. I'm not motivated to do any of it.

 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far

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Sorry to hear this. It seems you dodged a bullet in terms of incompatibility and things veering into a ditch once living together wasn't working. Stay no contact and block her.

 

You are in your prime and all those things will happen with a better woman, now that you're free of her.. Try to forget her. And make some New Years resolutions to enjoy your freedom and start a fresh new life. Was she from a different culture?.

at age 32 is what haunts me. I do want to find a wife, and have children, etc.
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Sorry to hear WinCity. My last relationship ended after 8 years...so I can relate.

 

Holidays are especially hard. You will get through it though. You sound like you have a place to live and a career. You will find someone.

 

Don't dwell on her being happy with someone and you being alone. Focus on what you do have and the positive things in your life. Start a new Christmas tradition or make a resolution for this New Year, to start a new routine, so you aren't stuck wondering about your ex.

 

If you aren't interested in doing the things you usually do, find at least one new hobby to invest your time in; you need to motivate yourself. It won't be easy, but you need to break the depression cycle.

 

Her moving out and not wanting you to know where she lives seems cold, but maybe that was just her way of moving on; some people just need that "clean break" so it is easier for them to transition.

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Good morning! I can assure you that reading your post and all of your feelings about her coldness and how she changed into a person you no longer understand, I totally get all that. I had a similar experience and it just hurts so much it can be unbearable at times. I am 4 months out from the breakup, he left me for another woman and they seem totally happy together. I miss him so much and it's really hard. But as the months go on I do understand in a way why we weren't working. I wasn't having my needs met in the relationship and I would get anxious nonstop because of it. I think that you did your best to try to meet her needs, and sometimes the attraction can just go away on either party's part which is brutally hard for the one who is left. You have nothing to blame yourself about.

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Her moving out and not wanting you to know where she lives seems cold, but maybe that was just her way of moving on; some people just need that "clean break" so it is easier for them to transition.

 

i wouldn't have minded, but it was the motive of all the things she planned on doing before she had left. to take the money and the dog without a conversation about who should keep him or anything. i was under the impression we verbally agreed to share custody.

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Sometimes what people do in the heat of the breakup seems crazy and then a few weeks later they come around to their senses.

 

yes, the counselor helped me with that. i seem to have all the answers and the right things to do - and the right advise. its the application part of what i need to do that i struggle with. trying to hard to let go and move on and it only causes you to obsess more and think more about it. the cycle is vicious.

 

I have only 1 advice. It won't matter now because you can't see it because you are hurting so much.

 

Next time don't get a house because of a dog. Your problems existed in the apartment, you could of saved a mortgage if you didn't get a house.

 

Just saying.

 

I wanted a house anyways - I'm at the age where it was time. Financially I'm fine without her - if not better. I don't mind owning a house it also gives me something to do (renovations etc.). We both hated throwing the money away at rent in an apartment, the dog getting big was just the tipping point. There's a little more to the story but it was pretty long winded as it stands so I didn't wanna throw in too many details.

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FYI, I am just learning all this for the first time myself! Breakup pain is way beyond what I ever imagined.

 

100% agreed. i never saw myself seeking out professional help or coming to forums like this for some resassurance that i'm not alone and some constructive criticism and advise.

I'm glad i did, but the comparison i draw to her and how she seems to be "perfectly fine" drives me nuts. unless she's just good at hiding it. i know the comparison isn't healthy, but it also hurts my self worth feeling like i was way more invested in her than she was me. makes you feel so unworthy

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The house would be a good thing to invest time and effort into...it will serve as a good distraction, and you can make it all your own

 

Application is definitely the hardest part. We usually know the right thing, but when emotions get involved, sometimes we have trouble with the execution.

 

The key is learning to control your emotions and thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking about your ex, change the topic/thought to something positive (positive experience or memory not involving your ex). This is a constant struggle, and you need to do this actively. Eventually, you can train yourself to not obsess and constantly think of your ex.

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The house would be a good thing to invest time and effort into...it will serve as a good distraction, and you can make it all your own

 

Application is definitely the hardest part. We usually know the right thing, but when emotions get involved, sometimes we have trouble with the execution.

 

The key is learning to control your emotions and thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking about your ex, change the topic/thought to something positive (positive experience or memory not involving your ex). This is a constant struggle, and you need to do this actively. Eventually, you can train yourself to not obsess and constantly think of your ex.

 

I'm definitely working hard on that. I just need to get through this next week and a half and then moving forward will be easier i feel. I'm thinking that come the new year with all this free time I have I'm going to volunteer at the local humane society. offer to walk and feed dogs. It'll get me out of the house - do a feel good deed - and who knows help me meet new people and expand the social circle.

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That is an awesome idea. I volunteer a lot at my local ASPCA, as I love animals. I have met a lot of people who are animal lovers too...you will be in good company.

 

The holidays are definitely hard. I am trying to keep busy myself. Just think though; you make it through this holiday and maybe do something fun, it will only get easier and better the next time around!

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100% agreed. i never saw myself seeking out professional help or coming to forums like this for some resassurance that i'm not alone and some constructive criticism and advise.

I'm glad i did, but the comparison i draw to her and how she seems to be "perfectly fine" drives me nuts. unless she's just good at hiding it. i know the comparison isn't healthy, but it also hurts my self worth feeling like i was way more invested in her than she was me. makes you feel so unworthy

 

i can relate to this. my ex doesnt seem to care either and it does hurt. im also hating this holiday season too.

yesterday i was sent a message by a friend whose friend is battling with cancer, but winning the battle so thats a good thing. ive been struggling with feeling really low and not eating much the past few days but i will keep reading about this guy to help me put things in perspective.

 

its hard, very hard, but try to think of every moment as yours. you were trying really hard to try and make things right in the relationship, and she wasnt. you cant do it alone.

 

on top of that she whipped the rug out from under you so of course you feel lost... it would be weird if you didnt.

 

allow yourself to feel all the mixed emotions and know they will pass.

 

you honestly sound really thoughtful and reflective so of course you will meet someone else in time and be really happy again.

 

yesterday i reminded myself about previous ex's that im no longer heartbroken about... i feel nothing for them now, but at the time would have been devastated. sometimes that helps to know that it WILL pass and one day you will look back and not feel this way.

 

then i tried to think about having a good relationship in the future, because i too felt bleak like you are.... but why not? why shouldnt there be someone out there that you can be happy with again? imagine that relationship and it will help you see the negatives in the one that has just ended, and all the things that werent right about it.

 

just get through a day at a time, every day that passes is a step closer to the pain going away completely.

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I can relate all the way from Australia. I'm 34 and an introvert unless forced. I was with my partner for 3 years. He planned the exit with careful measured strategy over the past 2 or 3 months. As he built his defences I gave him my all. The result is that he's already moved on 2 months later and I am a dysfunctional, desperate (yes desperate!), confused mess. Did I see it coming? Yes and no. Our relationship was never on a smooth sale, there was always drama but no, I thought we were solid this time (he left me once before). He asked me to marry him a few months ago then stress got the best of him. He conjured up every little grievance over the past 3 years, slapped in into an email and he was gone. I was left with a submerged self-esteem and a whole lot of guilt. Was it all my fault? Yes I nagged for marriage (I hear that's a cardinal sin?)and got mad at him and said mean things when he dragged his feet. I'm annoyed he never really made a decent effort to communicate with me his needs. He just held grudges, decided I wasn't going to give him the lifestyle he wished but didn't really verbalize and therefore he couldn't marry me. Every now and again he would say he wanted to do things before getting married and travel but we never worked out a plan. I wanted marriage and he didn't. It hurts my head to even try and put it in actual human words. Summary if I was more laid back and he communicated better, maybe we would have been ok. Anyhow as i said I am left with a lot of hurt and remorse. He meant something to me that is beyond words. Now I am alone. I invested all my time in him and work and have no close friends. I live in a small suburban sleepy hood with no prospects for love and to top that I'm an introvert (go figure!)

Honestly life can be a cruel animal.

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