On a break after 3 and a half years together. I'm really struggling.

[rachhhhx]

I didn't really know where else to turn so I found this website out of pure desperation for some answers or advice, I'm just a mess. so much that I can't sleep or eat properly.

 

These last two weeks have been some of the most difficult days of my life... I might sound dramatic for only being 22 but he has been close to me since secondary school. We started as friends and I started liking him. He told me he didn't think about me in that way but little did I know 2 years later we'd be in a relationship for 3 and a half years. We were best friends, 'soul mates' and we were so in love. We were so close to moving in together and we often talked about the future, kids etc

 

Lately however my ex? boyfriend (I don't really know what to class him as now) started acting really strange... we started having more arguments, he would purposely ignore me every time I stayed at his and he just wouldn't make any effort with me. At first I thought it was his mental health because he suffers from anxiety and depression like me, obviously not in the same way. In fact there were times where I didn't understand him at all but I've always put that down to the fact he's always been independent and distant while I've always been quite clingy and over emotional. This is why I really didn't expect to hear him say that he only thinks of me as a 'friend' again, that we need a break away from each other so we can both be more independent and so he can sort himself out. Remembering it was near Christmas made me even more upset, I had been looking forward to actually spending it with him this year. Now I feel like I can't enjoy it without thinking about him.

 

We've been meeting up once every week so far which has been hard for me as we used to meet up every other day and I'd always stay at his. Whenever I do see him it goes amazingly, it feels like we're back at the start of the relationship again.. it's the most passionate it's been in a while and I feel like he's actually trying to make an effort again. He still keeps telling me he loves me and that we're going to have a future together. We are definitely more than friends which is why I don't understand he's trying his best to "make the break work". He won't hold my hand or kiss me in public, it's like he's more scared of what other people think of him more than anything. Especially when you live in a small area and there's always a chance of bumping into someone you know. He told me yesterday that he's looking for a place alone and that one day he still wants to live with me. He also says he wants to change our relationship status on FB back to single even though I know we're far from that. Another thing that is making me so confused and distraught is the fact he won't communicate with me unless I do so first and he doesn't make an effort with his replies either. He seems irritable 24/7 and I get scared to talk to him incase I mess my chances up. It just feels like he doesn't care about me whenever he's like this. I know I shouldn't text him but it's all I've done for years especially when I'm feeling down, he's the reason I'm so upset but he also calms me down so I'm stuck on loop. I woke up this morning having an anxiety attack because we had another fight last night. He says we're okay but he hasn't replied to my texts, I feel as if I've ruined everything. We we're doing so well but I can't help but take everything he says to heart.

 

I know this was a really long post haah, I would really appreciate any advice at all

[rosecolored108]

He sounds confused and conflicted.

 

He may not know what he wants.

 

It seems like he has feelings for you, but he broke up with you and is now seeing you without any commitment in place and is looking to get his own place.

 

If you continue to contact, this is only going to hurt you more.

 

You need to cut contact and be on your own, as hard as it may be. He needs to do the same, so he can sort out what he wants. He is probably irritable because of all of the internal conflict.

 

You aren't "far from single;" you ARE single. He broke up with you. I know you had a lot of time invested in the relationship, but I am sure he had his reasons for breaking up.

 

You need to heal as you are still far to reliant on him and the relationship. If you take some time apart, and he eventually wants to reconcile, it has to be a mutual decision. And if he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be and at least you healed on your own to move on with your life.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, sounds like it was too much togetherness and he felt suffocated and you both need room to breathe. Have you decided to be fwb during this break?

 

Unfortunately it sounds like he's stringing you along and has his eye on others. He's trying desperately to let you down easy and detach himself from you so he can be free.

 

Unless you want to slowly but surely see him pull away and fade out while agreeing to fwb, it may be best to maintain your self respect and dignity and end it, then go no contact and block him

 

Good relationships don't take breaks, change social media to single and need space. He's done, it's over, he's just pacifying you while he moves on.

I really didn't expect to hear him say that he only thinks of me as a 'friend' again, that we need a break away from each other so we can both be more independent and so he can sort himself out.

I don't understand he's trying his best to "make the break work". He won't hold my hand or kiss me in public.He also says he wants to change our relationship status on FB back to single.he won't communicate with me unless I do so first and he doesn't make an effort with his replies either.

[Liz3030]

Absolutely do no contact, and try to move on. What happens is the dumper will try to ease himself gradually out of the relationship until it feels ok for him. You are allowing him to ease himself out. You need to SHUT THE DOOR.

[rosecolored108]

Good advice here. He may have some regrets about breaking up and might be using you to get over it. Be careful and mindful of this. Close the door and move on at this point.

[Limie]

I agree. Start with No Contact. It will be tough, but it gets better as days go by. Keep yourself busy. I made my mistake with my ex by sticking with him cause I was afraid. But it doesn't help. It just gets worse. He is stringing you along because he needs that emotional comfort and can't handle the being alone right now.

[browser]

Ok, well to me, it's fairly obvious what's happening here, and keep in mind that my response only indicate how I see it, although being a guy, and having been around the block so to speak for more years and more relationships than I'd like to admit, I think you can put a fair amount of weight in what I'm about to tell you.

 

Whenever I do see him it goes amazingly, it feels like we're back at the start of the relationship again.. it's the most passionate it's been in a whil

 

He's done with you, but he hasn't completely and 100% committed to ending the relationship. He doesn't even know why he's done, he only knows that his feelings about you have changed and he finds himself being more comfortable, happy, and less irritable when he's not with you. When you're together, once a week, despite all of the discomfort and his contradictory feelings, he does enjoy the comfort, companionship and of course the "makeup" sex which does nothing more than fulfill his natural urges to, well, have sex.

 

I feel like he's actually trying to make an effort again.

 

He's trying, but he's not really making any progress. He's just going through the motions and maybe trying to convince himself he can somehow regain those feelings for you that have evaporated. He's got one foot out the door and most of the rest of the other one.

 

He still keeps telling me he loves me and that we're going to have a future together.

 

That's his guilt at breaking up with you. Don't look into it for anything more than that, he's really being unfair by not being more honest and direct and giving you false hopes. Other things he's said, and some of his actions completely contradict what he says about there being a future together.

 

He told me yesterday that he's looking for a place alone and that one day he still wants to live with me. He also says he wants to change our relationship status on FB back to single even though I know we're far from that.

 

These are all sure signs that he's finished, and letting you down slowly because he thinks it's nicer, or more likely he's a coward and afraid to tell you the truth- that he's done and it's over. You say you "know" it's far from over but that's a mistake- you are confusing what you want to believe with what you are starting to suspect is the truth.

 

Another thing that is making me so confused and distraught is the fact he won't communicate with me unless I do so first and he doesn't make an effort with his replies either.

 

Here's an easy way to end your confusion. Stop contacting him and see what he does, if anything. If it's more than, say 3 months you can assume he won't be picking up the phone again.

 

He seems irritable 24/7

 

He's only irritable around you because for the most part he doesn't want to be with you, he's only going through the motions. When he's not around you he's probably in a much better mood.

 

and I get scared to talk to him incase I mess my chances up.

 

When you continue to contact him you are definitely decreasing the chances that he will somehow have a change of heart, because you're forcing yourself on him, and that's weak and pathetic and really unattractive and putting him under even more pressure which will in all likelihood propel him towards ending the relationship even sooner; but from what I know about your situation I don't think it matters what you do, at least not in terms of "chances". For your own good, for your own self respect and self esteem, you should not contact him again. If he wants in, he's got your number. You are trying way too hard.

 

I know I shouldn't text him but it's all I've done for years especially when I'm feeling down

 

You're doing what so many people do. You state that you know you shouldn't be doing something, and then you justify it with some BS reason "It's what I've done for years". Well, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results. If you want a different result, change your behavior. Justifying your bad behavior doesn't somehow doesn't make it any better or fix anything.

 

he's the reason I'm so upset but he also calms me down so I'm stuck on loop.

 

In order to get out of this unhealthy, dysfunctional loop, where he is both the cause and the supposed solution, you need to get out of HIM.

 

I woke up this morning having an anxiety attack because we had another fight last night. He says we're okay but he hasn't replied to my texts, I feel as if I've ruined everything. We we're doing so well but I can't help but take everything he says to heart.

 

If nothing else understand that you are probably not to blame. Not for the end of the relationship anyway. You need to gain control of your emotions and the actions they cause and you need to just leave him alone. For your own good.

[rosecolored108]

Browser hit the nail on the head. You need to remove yourself from the situation. He ended the relationship for a reason and is showing mixed signals because break-ups can be tough and confusing, but the fact is...he wants to be on his own...or at least not in a relationship with you.

[Trinity11]

Im probably not the best advisor atm as im also in the broken hearts group...but if he is conflicted...give him space...all the space. Let him experience what its like without you. He will either decide he wants you...or not. At least in the meantime you have prepared yourself.

[Liz3030]

Here's the thing. My ex asked for space, and I didn't really give it to him. I should have just done straight NC. However, my heart was convincing me that he always had my best interests at heart and that I could fully trust him with it, and that he would be on MY side. But as it turns out, he wasn't on my side at all, and only cared about his own feelings and now the feelings of the new girlfriend he has found. He put his feelings and her feelings ahead of mine (someone who was with him 2 years) many times since then. You cannot trust this man to hold your heart right now. Maybe one day but not now. I am giving you my opinion, but I wish I had this warning and I wish I had sought out advice before it was too late.

[rosecolored108]

I have a similar experience, Liz. My ex and I stayed in contact for over s year. He had asked for space, and I really didn't give it to him. I felt like deep down he wanted to get back together, so we should continue to communicate so I wouldn't lose him.

 

The thing is, I had already lost him. I should have gone no contact and improved on myself and the things that made my relationship fail. Instead, I just focused on getting him back, which made things a lot worse for him and me.

 

He was not all that concerned with my feelings or my heart. If someone leaves you, you need to learn how to exist on your own without hoping that this person will somehow change their mind and be there for you.

 

Agree with Liz; go no contact and focus everything on yourself. It is the best way!