Am I in a toxic friendship? Am I being taken advantage of? Idk what to do...

[nickmarcello]

Hello, my name is Nick and my best friend's name (for all purpose sake) is Eddy. We're both 18, both guys, both go to the same college, and I'm gay and he's straight. I have this situation that I don't know how to deal with or what to do and I was hoping to get some advice.

 

So it all started about 4 weeks ago when I met him. I was attending recitation and he showed up one da was really shy, really quiet, and gave off that feminine-vibe. Now trust me when I say this, I'm not judgmental or prejudice at all, but when you're suspicious, you're suspicious. Instantly once he started talking, I knew for sure he couldn't be straight. A week later, after seeing each other here and there (my friends were friends with his friends) we start to text and talk, every single day. It's been 3 weeks now, and a small acquaintanceship turned into a best friendship. Now we talk every single day for hours over text- we've been face timing for over 5 hours at night over the past few days. We hit off really well, we make each other laugh, and he's totally okay with me being gay. Now here is where I get really confused. All of his friends are girls. I'm his only guy friend, his best friend, and I'm gay. He's ridiculously into fashion and shopping; we go shopping together at the mall. He talks and acts really feminine. I know that these are all stereotypes even I consider myself really really hard to guess for a gay guy... except for the fashion. But Eddy claims he's straight. He claims he likes one of my friends who is a girl. I'm not really sure what to do here because, bare in mind, he also knows that I'm not only gay, but I like him. A lot. I've been in situations like this before all the time, where I think someone I like is gay, they are my friend, but it never goes anywhere because apparently they are straight. So this is a situation I'm used to and just skim off my back. All I'm saying is that it is MAD confusing. Anyway, I'm okay with having just a friendship... but it seems this whole confusing thing between us causes problems within our friendship.

 

Now here is where I need advice. I'm starting to realize a problem within this friendship. Here's some things that are not working out:

 

1. He is constantly teasing me emotionally. Sending me good-looking photos of him, flirting with me (in a teasing way because he knows I like him) and just generally tugging at my emotions a.k.a. trying to turn me on. He'll be like "I have so many good looking photos of myself but I'm not showing you wink wink" or talk about how he knows he's really good looking, adding an wink or smily emoji at the end. Of course, he means this in a joking (although I do think he's ridiculously good looking) but it still gets to me deep down. He'll even tell me he knows I've been looking at him (adds emoji) and does all these things only someone who likes you back would do.

 

2. The second thing he does is ask me for help. A lot. I help him with his math homework, his chemistry labs and material, his bio homework and labs, heck I help him with everything. I don't expect anything in return and I'm glad to help, but I'm starting to realize how much time and effort I've put into helping him academically. For the past two weeks (finals weeks) we've hung out every single day for hours upon hours so I could help tutor him in math and chemistry. I've never got an actual thank you. Just maybe a "tf" or a smily face emoji with the tongue. I'm starting to question whether I'm being taken advantage of or if he even appreciates me.

 

3. We just recently started fighting. A lot. Especially for the past few days, we keep getting mad at each other for petting things. I think we're getting more comfortable with each other, but even so, we are fighting with each other when it comes to just saying something stupid over text, or I think when we make each other jealous and don't mean to. We end up getting over it quickly and FaceTime smiling and laughing as usual. But it's starting to get more and more annoying where he will ignore me for an hour through all forms of communication if he gets mad- and I won't know what he is mad about until he FaceTimes me and makes up for it. Even when I don't respond immediately to his text, like within a few minutes, he'll respond jokingly "don't ignore me"... but it's starting to ease away from a joke to becoming more serious. It's almost as if he can't get enough of me, so anything I may do unintentionally to slow things down (a.k.a. I have to focus on an essay I'm writing and I'll text him back in a few hours) he FREAKS out and never lets me leave and gets either sad or angry that I have to go. This happens with my other friends I have. I have so many things I do with other friends, but as soon as he finds out, he gets mad. I'm started to accommodate him over my other longer friendships I've had.

 

I've had a ridiculous amount of friendships in my young life so far, many of which were toxic. I can usually spot the toxic relationships immediately and are swift to prevent them from going further and/or ending them. But this one I'm not sure what to do. Let me give you my thoughts and let me know if they sound logical:

 

Perhaps I'm being taken advantage of both academically and emotionally? Academically through the amount of work I do for him related to school work. Emotionally because I know he knows I like him, and that makes him feel better about himself. Eddy suffers severe anxiety and depression from loneliness- he takes medication for it. He doesn't have many friends and hasn't had real relationships before, so perhaps I fulfill the feelings he desires. He desires to be liked, to be wanted, to not feel lonely, to always have someone to talk to at all times. I believe he's straight and I'm ok with that, but what hurts more is that I feel like an emotional tool for him to use whenever he feels down. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm shown disrespect all the time. Disrespect when he gets mad at something I don't know about, disrespect whenever I want to talk about me for once. I know so much about him, yet he knows so little about me. It's as if whenever he wants to talk or wants to do something, he gets to talk or gets whatever he wants, whereas when I ask a simple favor or just want to take a few minutes out of his life to talk, he immediately responds more slowly, shuts me out, or worse, ignores me. When I think about my importance in his life, I feel that I'm there not on the basis of a friendship, but rather as a free drug to make him feel better. He never needs to pay for for the drug or give anything in return for it. The drug just works as he pleases. For me, Eddy is in my life because I like him, he's funny, and he makes me happy. We all have our loves and desires and sometimes let them get the best of us. In this case, I have recognized that I've been letting my self-control flee because I simply have a crush him. I'm allowing myself to give up my freedom just to make Eddy's life as best as it can be, even though he will never, ever like me back even as confusing his fashion or voice may be.

 

My question is: what should I do about this friendship? Should I end it? Should I just keep doing what I'm doing? Or should I talk to him about this?

 

I feel like if I talk to him about the way I feel it will 1. never be the same again between us and 2. he may change, but will never really change. I feel like there is a lack of mutual friendship between us, but I don't know for sure. I really like him as a friend and we've already shared so many happy memories between us even after these short 4 weeks, but I just don't know if I'm digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole I won't be able to get out of.

 

Please let me know what you think about this situation and what I should do about it. Thank you so much for listening

[Clio]

You are both very young and still exploring human relationships and your own identity. If he is taking medication that means that he has deeper issues that you cannot help him with. You cannot control, change or "save" him but you DO have control over your own behaviour. This sounds like a codependent relationship and if you read about/know/reflect on what that is you may realise that your role in this is equally dysfunctional albeit in a very different and more covert way. It takes two to tango. He does all these things because YOU enable him. In reality noone can make you/ force you into doing their academic work for them or whatever. You do it because you get some kind of satisfaction off it e.g. you get to hang out with your crush or you get to feel like you are the one who has it more together or whatever. From the sound of it Eddy has a lot to figure out before he can have healthy relationships. However, dancing to his rythme while blaming him for it is not healthy either. You need to decide on your boundaries, stop doing things for him that make you resentful and if he cannot respect that then yes, you need to end the friendship. It did take both of you to arrive to this point so this situation is probably a valuable lesson into clarifying your own boundaries and learning to uphold them. Good luck!

[Capricorn3]

OP, not sure if your user name is your real name, but if it is, I suggest you contact Admin to change your username. It is not wise using your real name in forums on the internet.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds a bit strained. He seems to not understand what being gay really means and instead teases you about it in an ignorant way. Try getting more involved in the campus LGBT community and the gay community locally.

 

You may want to distance yourself and stop doing favors if you think he's maintaining the friendship on a false level and using you for academic help.

I'm gay and he's straight. I knew for sure he couldn't be straight. he's totally okay with me being gay. Eddy claims he's straight.

[nickmarcello]

Clio, thank you so much for your reply

 

This is perhaps one of the best advice I have ever gotten regarding friendships. My situation has replayed itself over and over throughout my life and I never know what to do with them.

 

I now look at my situation a completely different way than before. Thank you for being honest with me