Possible GIGS possible Borderline outbreak involved too. (Diagnosed)

[Dus9125]

I by no means had a perfect relationship with this woman. We had Issues like any other couple.

We were together for 9 months. and As we settled in together. Communication wasn't as strong as it could have been. Our words together weren't binding contracts obviously but we did plan on moving in together next year and had a future planned out. We were fairly compatible but we both had strong egos. I believe we both shared a great bond and really loved each other. She also Suffers from BPD (Diagnosed) but I know i didn't fall in love with the typical traits of a BPD disorder I actually found them off putting. I didn't need all the assurance or want it.

 

She went through a lot of triggers the day we broke up which lead me to originally believe she had an outbreak. However there was also another guy pursuing her that I mentioned a few times and turns out she has since started something with him about a week after. During this time of uncertainty I did typical behavior. Pleaded, Begged, Reasoned. looked pathetic. Even talked to her mom. Her mom believed it was an outbreak too. I also tried to communicate to her why I distanced myself with some situations and how I felt giving her my burdens might push her over the edge with her illness so I held onto them which made me seem like a brick wall to her. After hearing this though. I became pretty much a monster in her eyes. that broke her heart, Disrespected our love, didn't trust her. and isolated her. This all happened and I continued typical break up behavior for about a week and a half with moments on NC. When I found out about this guy though I had enough and told her I couldn't keep my promise to her and wait around, I believe in second chances but only if its right. and Im sorry for acting out of line. you know how to reach me but I'm walking away..

 

I would like to reconcile with this woman one day, do you have any input that might be helpful, Im working on NC right now. haven't messaged her since that message... It seems shes trying to erase me from her mind right now and make me out to be the bad guy to ease her guilt? At first she limited her profile and deleted our photos then when I sent her the final message she unfriended me when I didn't reply to a text she sent regarding her mom. and how her mom talked to me and knew about this guy now.

 

Our relationship became comfortable but wasnt broken, Shes 20 I'm 25. She sees a bunch of negative right now and doesn't seem to remember any good right now. I think her BPD is just amplifying everything.

[gebaird]

Whether it's BPD or GIGS (or both) causing these issues, there's very little you can do about it. Stick with no contact and prepare to move on. I'm sure things are good when her BPD isn't getting in the way, but she's got a serious disorder that is bound to impact her life and relationships.

[SooSad33]

Yup, I agree with above reply.

People with this mental illness are forever challenged.

 

You were involved for 9 months? Imagine if it was over a time span of 9 years? ( which I can't see happening).

They can be VERY challenging and really affect you in heart & mind.....soooo.... I HIGHLY suggest you back away.. totally & seriously look at the facts.

 

Read up on these disorders.. and keep reading! More you learn on them, the better!

I encountered a couple of them this year.. NOT good! Good for walking away and yes... moody.

[ThatwasThen]

This is your chance to emancipate yourself from her instead of forever walking on eggshells. Be glad she's gone. It would only get worse and she will knock your self esteem out of the park if you were to stay with her or if you are codependent enough to get back with her.

 

Don't let her hoover you back and get professional help to get over her for good if need be.

[SherrySher]

Pardon my idiocy and just to clarify for everyone out there....what is GIGS?

[MissCanuck]

My ex-boyfriend is also diagnosed BPD.

 

The behaviour you are seeing will in all likelihood appear for the rest of her life. Unless she is in intensive and long-term therapy, BPD is going to have a significant impact on her relationships. You describe it as an "outbreak", and I understand why you chose that word as that's what it feels like. But it will happen again and again, because it's always there. She might be able to manage her symptoms sometimes, but they don't go away.

 

I would strongly advise you to walk away from her. If you don't, this will probably repeat itself and each time it will eat further and further away at your well-being. Please take it from someone who's been there!

[ThatwasThen]

Pardon my idiocy and just to clarify for everyone out there....what is GIGS?

 

"Grass Is Greener Syndrome"

 

@OP: This is NOT GiGs.... She's emotionally disturbed and I bet that when this new guy does something to either make her feel engulfed or abandoned, she will try to hoover you back into her web of emotional, self esteem reducing web. Block and delete her from being able to reach you. Get the help you need to work through your codependency issues and live your life with someone who does not have disturbed emotional issues once you have come to terms with your addiction to her.

 

In the meantime google Borderline Personality Disorder and educate yourself on the disorder. You are very naïve about it tbh.

 

This site may help you to understand better:

 

 

[Dus9125]

@ThatwasThen

I'm already a member of that forum.

I'd like to believe I don't have codependency issues.

She was(is) in the process of starting therapy. I've seen her branch off people like this before. But usually I was there to talk her down and let her know it's just temporary feelings. This time however the two people potentially on my side. Aren't getting to her and her bestfriend is friends with this new group of people and guy. So she has nothing to lose. So why bother. (She was also indifferent to me).

My ex also claims this isn't her borderline and she just wants to forget me typical painting black things. When I tried talking to her about it and how she's splitting/sabotaging.

I'm also aware dating a pwbpd isn't the most ideal situation. Maybe this is the codependency you were referring to but I feel I'd be dishonest to myself just giving up on someone I care deeply about. Especially when she told me about her illness at the start.

[MissCanuck]

@ThatwasThen

I'm already a member of that forum.

I'd like to believe I don't have codependency issues.

She was(is) in the process of starting therapy. I've seen her branch off people like this before. But usually I was there to talk her down and let her know it's just temporary feelings. This time however the two people potentially on my side. Aren't getting to her and her bestfriend is friends with this new group of people and guy. So she has nothing to lose. So why bother. (She was also indifferent to me).

My ex also claims this isn't her borderline and she just wants to forget me typical painting black things. When I tried talking to her about it and how she's splitting/sabotaging.

I'm also aware dating a pwbpd isn't the most ideal situation. Maybe this is the codependency you were referring to but I feel I'd be dishonest to myself just giving up on someone I care deeply about. Especially when she told me about her illness at the start.

 

OP, please do not try to convince her that she doesn't know what's right for her. She might really not want to be with you, and it's not fair to pin this on her BPD. Although it's hard, you need to consider the possibility that she truly doesn't want the relationship anymore and that her BPD isn't a primary factor here. She is still an adult capable of deciding for herself who she wants to be with.

 

I realize you want to believe it's down to her condition, but you still need to respect her boundary. Believe her when she says it's over so you can move on to find someone who is A) mentally healthy, and B) wants to be with you.

 

As someone who has a lot of experience with a BPD partner, I warn you that if this episode was hard for you, it's only a warning of what's to come if you hang around. It will likely get a lot worse, and no amount of caring or being a good boyfriend is going to make much of a difference. That's not how this disorder works. You're not bound to her and have no children or some such thing, so I would recommend you walk away and preserve your well-being.

[ThatwasThen]

Especially when she told me about her illness at the start.

This is why I think you need to read up on codependency and if need be, get yourself some help for it. Most people who do not have "white knight syndrome" (a form of codependency) would have run away from someone who has a mental health issue. Its one thing to stick by someone who develops an issue after you have become a couple but its quite another to start a relationship with someone with the issue. One has to look after their own mental and emotional health you can't fix someone with these issues and they will drag you down before you'll ever help them as Miss Canuck has alluded to.

 

If you love yourself, if you are right and you don't have codependency issues then you'll keep your distance from her and you'll not let her hoover you back when things go **** up with the new guy. (which they will)

 

Have you googled White Knight Syndrome?

[Dus9125]

@MissCanuck

I agree with you. That that's possible. It's just circumstances don't add up. Hours before her appointment and even after we were good and happy. As soon as she started drinking with a friend and I brought up the appointment she went to and if she was okay from it she changed completely. Also after the breakup the brief times I saw her. I could see her struggling in her head. There would be moments of I want to hold you kiss you then pure rage moments.

 

@ThatWasThen

I don't feel the need to "save" her. And I didn't at the start know what borderline was or what it could do. I started to read up way more after this because things just didn't line up.

 

I've been dumped before where the girl left for another guy. But there were signs. She stopped being intimate stopped talking to me all the time, easily annoyed. Stopped seeing me as much. This just wasn't the case here.

Her appointment she had to talk about why she didn't report an incident to the police as a teenager and other stuff. And after she told me she had been drinking and was drunk I should have just left her alone because drunk her is dangerous. But I wasn't around so I didn't clue in and asked and she said she was fine but the appointment was terrible and I said you don't seem fine and kept at it. Then boom.

[Dus9125]

@MissCanuck

I'd like to believe that but it just doesn't add up. She went to the doctors to discuss her trauma's and why she didn't report them at the time (Something to do with her starting therapy) and then after the appointment got super drunk with a friend. Right then I should have just clued in and continued playing video games. But I tried bringing it up and talk about it and she kept saying she was fine but she didn't really seem fine so I kept asking about it. Then I called her to say good night and all of a sudden BOOM. The Days before and Even hours/Minutes before I brought up the doctors we were okay and happy and she was going on about how excited she was to see me that Saturday. I've had one previous relationship where the girl left for another guy and there were signs, She became distant, didn't want too see each other, Didn't have as much sexual activities. this just wasn't the case here.

Also her reasoning's for the break up have changed numerous of times when we were speaking. When I was in the typical behavior of a breakup. First it was I'm saving you from pain later, then it was We are too different (we are fairly similar though) She is more into parties then I am for sure. But you'd look at us and see two very compatible people that balanced each other. (Her mom even said this). Then when I explained to her why I seemed like a brick wall, We were over because I broke her heart, I isolated her I lied to her our whole relationship, I didn't trust her, She doesn't even know who I am. she also said If she had known what I had told her before she'd have understood. The thing is what I told her in no way to a non would be seen this way. I told her that because I knew about her stresses I couldn't put mine on her too and risk her collapsing from them so I held them in. Also again her mom Believed she was in one of her moods as her mom calls it and two just give her two weeks she'll settle. The problem is her partying and other things that keep her unbalanced hasn't stopped. also this time of year is hard on her and her grandma is on life support, and going into therapy. It just feels like To much Negative is in her life right now and she needed a splurge and she couldn't being tied down. a weird thing she said too me was Don't worry I'm going to one last party tonight then I'll level out.

 

@ThatwasThen

 

I didn't know to what BPD was to be fully honest. I know people with personality disorders (My sister) and didn't look at it from a oh my god this defines a person kind of thing. As certain things happened I learned more about it and things that couldn't be done. she had two other incidents the first one she thought I was abandoning her after we both got drunk at a party and she lost it on me and the next morning I told her I'm leaving so we can calm down Ill pick her up later and she broke down thinking id never come back. I left and said don't worry I will be back I'm not abandoning you we just need to calm down.

The next time it was Halloween and I didn't drink but she got smashed and at the end of the night an Idiot who was also part owner of the house didn't remember who she was and forcefully pushed her out of the house and it triggered her to the point she needed to visit the hospital but when I found out about it from some guy running to me telling me she had broken down I went to her and tried to talk to her and figure out what happened, but I couldn't get to her and she just kept saying I don't believe her i don't trust her She hates me eventually I drove her home she told me she doesn't know how she can be with me and then ended up at the hospital. The next day we talked and I suggested she shouldn't drink anymore because it was the common link between everything. Clearly that didn't stop her this time though. She has never full on painted me black before though until now. Also she claims she waits to do anything so as not to do it out of impulse. Everything about this month has been Impulse though. even shes has admitted to it it just seems like she cant control it. I've also never seen or heard of her jumping like this. I keep bringing up her mom but even her mom is surprised by this behavior (Mainly the guy). Not the painting black because she does that too people often. its just never been me until this point. Usually after two weeks she does settle or if someone is there to guide her.

I don't feel the need to "Fix" her. I have lived without her and I know I can again. She just elevated my life. I felt like an individual but in harmony not like I needed her to be something. I know I can't fix her. I know I cant control her either and I never tried. I helped her to see her potential though I think and she seemed to really want to try. It just seems like it all unraveled. I don't know if its because of this guy. her BPD or both or her just self sabotaging to feel something because she maybe felt she was losing herself, Due to the commitment of this relationship, Her Actually on the doorsteps of going to therapy. and what not.

 

It's been 2.5 weeks of her partying, Drinking, and just all around reverting. She has a friend after her boy dumped her has said to her she wishes she was single too so they could be like they used too. and I have not gonna happen sorry. But as you can guess this friend has been Around non stop since, and is also good friends with this new guy. I believe she may also be feeding the Black image.

 

I'm aware it seems I'm obsessing. I'm aware its going to be tough and she may never change and it may just be over. My gut is telling me It's not. and that I'm not dealing with the person who I knew hours before. She also is friends with all her previous ex's and hasn't bashed any of them except the one that caused her trauma. She'll say weird things Like I hate you I want to forget you and I don't even know you, but then when shes not on the defense she'll say I love you, and shell grab my hand and hug me. that was the last time we spoke anyways we haven't had contact since the 20th when I told her I couldn't wait around.