Feeling sick with guilt and shame after sleeping with my good friend's ex lover

[Ayabee93]

I hate myself so much. It happened last week and I cant sleep or eat because all I see is her face and I keep reliving memories of our friendship. Now it's gone and I'm, as she told me and everyone else we know: "absolutely ***ing dead to her". She never curses.

 

I can't believe what I did. It was always a strict rule of mine to never get involved with anyone who was previously involved with a friend in ANY way, whether feelings were involved or not. Yet I was somehow able to throw that away for him and for the most pathetic of reasons.

 

The WORST part about this is, the only reason he was her "ex" lover instead of her current is because he became interested in me which really wounded her. I was always very attracted to him appearance and personality-wise, but I promised her I wouldn't act on it.

 

My friend and I lived together but we rarely interacted anymore. When she told me he was into me and I promised I wouldn't do anything with him, that was the first conversation we had in a month. I felt like she was done with me far before what I did especially since during our last conversation before that one she confessed to being very jealous of me. I tried to reassure her she was perfect and had nothing to be jealous of but I don't think it was enough. I would try to make conversation when I saw her but she would keep it very short and texted her sometimes if she wanted to hang out and she would read but not respond (we both had iPhones so I could see her read receipts).

 

I was suffering from depression during this time and extremely lonely, especially since she, someone I used to talk to everyday became so distant, and my social life was at an all time low. She constantly had lovers over (despite also having a boyfriend) and new friends she made and I had absolutely no one. When I was feeling my worst, he called me and asked if I wanted to hang out. And despite knowing very well she wouldn't be ok with that...I agreed.

 

We hung out all night, going everywhere and doing everything (he sweetly spent a ton on me that night despite my protests). It was SOOO much fun. It'd been SO long since I hung out with anyone and he told me it was the same for him. We got told twice by random strangers that we were a cute couple and I let that get to me.

 

We went drinking and got reeeeaalllly touchy feely and kissed a few times. By this time, she wasn't even on my mind. I was completely in the moment. We then went to the movies for the 3rd time that night and totally fooled around since it was super late and completely empty. I forgot who he was: my friend's former lover who hurt her (AKA: off limits!). At that moment, he was more like my super sexy heroic knight in shining armor. When we FINALLY grew tired at like 4 am, I was feeling delirious, bold, and horny. I remembered that, that same morning I cleaned and decorated my room to perfection to try to pull myself out of my depressed funk. So I invited him to sleep over in my room, not even CARING that she had a room right across from mine.

 

She was in her room having loud sex with a lover and we just laughed. Then the second I opened my door, he ravished me, closing it behind us. I was completely lost in lust and we had sex 4 times into daylight. I heard her leave our flat and I stupidly asked him to get something for me from the kitchen- I really thought I heard her leave. She was in there, she was LIVID.

 

She started shaking, threw dishes at us, screamed that she hated me, cried, and told me I better not come close to her or she'd kill me. All I could do was cry and apologize. I'd NEVER seen her like this so I knew I REALLY wounded her. Every time I tried to say something she would scream at me to "shut the **** up". He held me close to him and turned so the dishes would hit him instead of me, while simultaneously cursing her out for threatening me. She wasn't paying him any mind at all, her rage was completely focused in on me. All I could do was keep apologizing and crying and she immediately ran out and slammed the door behind her.

 

In my desperation, I sent her a text apologizing even more and tried my best to explain myself, thinking maybe she thought I did it to hurt her and I really didn't want her to think that. I said pretty much what i typed here. She replied with "Catch aids and die" and promptly blocked me. I knew very well that I deserved that and just wanted to kill myself right then and there.

 

I haven't been able to get in touch with her since and I know I never will. She moved back into her family's house that same day. She told all of our mutual friends to not tell her anything I tell them or anything about me in general. She cut me off completely and totally. I loathe myself and can't believe this happened. We may have become distant recently but before then, we were like platonic soulmates. She's the only one who knows my secrets and I know all of hers. The great times we shared are all I can think about and I've neglected everything to punish myself.

 

How do I come to terms with the fact that I lost her forever? How do I stop hating myself, how do I move on after this? I know that's what I'll have to do because there's zero hope in making up with her. It doesn't help at all that I was told by her sister that she tried to commit suicide the other day. Please please help me I can't go on with this pain and self loathing. I also can't get over HIM and he won't stop calling and texting me, telling me he thinks he loves me. I can't get myself to block him, I still really really like him. I'm a sick piece of please help me and please try not to be too mean even though I deserve it.

[123jennab]

Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things you can do.

You already feel terrible. But you're human, you make mistakes like everyone else! You probably weren't in a good place when this happened which is why you did what you did. But you just need to accept what happened and that your best friend isn't ready to forgive you. You know you messed up, but it happened and there isn't anything you can do about it. You can either be miserable, or learn from it and never do it again. Forgive yourself! Your heart doesn't need the extra hate you've been giving yourself. Just grow from the situation and try your best to move on, because it happened and you can't take it back. I'm sorry this happened, good luck.

[HeartGoesOn]

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