Husband cheated during engament and told me on our honeymoon

[willowmarie]

I've been with my husband for half a year. We dated for 5 years and engament one. It's mainly been hell.

 

During our engagement though I got various words from people at church that didn't know us about us as a couple. That we would be missionaries, that he had such a good heart, that God wanted to give me clarity about him and that he was a good guy. Even one random guy said God said you two are the embodiment of love even when we don't feel like it. This was all stuff that kept me going in our relationship when I felt doubts.

On our honey moon I asked him where him and his friends were when he was late to our wedding party that was he day before our wedding. He kept saying they just went to a bar. I kept asking thinking maybe hooters. Finds out they took him to a strip club, and he even went in the back room. He said she sat on his lap topless and touched him and even kissed him.

Then after he told me that I felt so strong that there was more. I said out loud "Holy Spirit make him tell me more."

I kept praying out loud saying that and finally he started to cry and said he would tell me but it would end us.

He then admitted to cheating during our engament. Right after we got engaged he had drunk sex with a co worker. He never liked her and didnt talk to her after and before they never were talking like this was pre thought of. And a few months after he had drunk sex with some random girl in an alley. He doesn't even remember her name. Neither he finished he said, but to be graphic, he didn't use a condom and went down on both. He doesn't remember everything.

So he admitted all this days into our honey moon.

I never suspected cheating at all. I even prayed to God, if you don't want us together let him cheat on me and I find out.

 

We're both Christian and used to have sex and stopped for two years till we were married to honor God.

 

We got married right when he turned 23 so he is young and has growing to do.

 

I thought okay I'll forgive you we're married and we can work through it. We saw Or marriage counselor who did premarital and I thought it would get better. But now he's practically an alcoholic. He had some drinking issues before where he would drink too much but never to this extent, and he promised he would not drink much when we're married. Our counselor and another church women said he needs AA and he won't go.

 

He then got fired from his job for suspected drinking a month later. He told me he didn't drink on the job, then months later said he drank whiskey and was even blacked out. He then has since got a part time job but still continues to go on drinking binges where he is so mean and says vile things to me. He is starting a new job beginning of the new year and it's a decent post college job.

 

I have reacted in all ways, calm, mean, hurt, angry, violent, kind. I feel like I could of gotten over the cheating but now with the drinking and just mean behavior I don't know if I should have a soft heart or hard.

 

Now I don't know what to do. Honoring God is my first priority. But I can't help but wonder if God is giving me an out with his 3 times cheating (twice with he girls and once with the stripper.) I really don't know.

 

I really only want Christian advice because to me God comes firsts.

 

Please let me know any advice!

[rosephase]

Well... if God is the most important... then you stay and put up with him and try to heal him because you are married and you made that promise.

 

Now if you want to be happy, or have a chance at a real relationship with someone you can trust and respect you get out of there.

 

Have you talked to your to someone at your your church. They will probably be more help in figuring out what works in your faith.

[123jennab]

You prayed to God and said if you don't want me to be with him, have him cheat on me and let me find out.

You know what to do! You're hurting, and you don't deserve to hurt. You can be with someone who loves you and doesn't cheat on you and honors God the way you do. Your husband is obviously also hurting, which is why he's doing the things he's doing. You've tried your best, but you can't change him.

[willowmarie]

Is all of this grounds for divorce?

[willowmarie]

Well... if God is the most important... then you stay and put up with him and try to heal him because you are married and you made that promise.

 

Now if you want to be happy, or have a chance at a real relationship with someone you can trust and respect you get out of there.

 

Have you talked to your to someone at your your church. They will probably be more help in figuring out what works in your faith.

 

Today, 09:38 PM #4

willowmarie willowmarie is online now

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I have, both think he has a good heart. But I haven't told them the extent of his drinking because it's gotten worse since. One said if he wants to save the marriage he needs AA.

 

I just don't know if I need to have a soft kind heart and stay, or a kind heart that says, this clearly is wrong and we need to go our own way.

[rosephase]

Today, 09:38 PM #4

willowmarie willowmarie is online now

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I have, both think he has a good heart. But I haven't told them the extent of his drinking because it's gotten worse since. One said if he wants to save the marriage he needs AA.

 

I just don't know if I need to have a soft kind heart and stay, or a kind heart that says, this clearly is wrong and we need to go our own way.

 

Leaving is being kind to yourself. And in the long run it's kinder to him. If you stay he is learning that he can treat women this way. If you leave he might have a chance of growing into someone with more respect for other people.

 

Take care of yourself. He is a mess. A disrespectful, potently dangerous mess.

[melancholy123]

This man appears to be an alcoholic and therefore he needs to go to AA or get another type of help for his drinking, but AA is the organization with the best reputation for helping people who need it. He needs it.

 

You have your head in the sky if you think being nice to him is going to solve this. It won't. He'll keep drinking unless he gets help, he may cheat on you, since he's done it in the past.

 

If you want to be happy, it's probably going to be with a different guy.

[Seraphim]

As a Christian I would not stay. He dishonoured his vows before God.

[mustlovedogs]

If you believe God is merciful and loves you, then surely he would want you to be happy and feel the love you deserve.

[agent1607307371]

OP, have you been for an STD test? Because hereally has put your health at risk by engaging in unprotected sex.

[willowmarie]

OP, have you been for an STD test? Because hereally has put your health at risk by engaging in unprotected sex.

 

Yes, no STD. I thought that too

[willowmarie]

And we don't have kids either.

[willowmarie]

Isn't that promise not valid due to the cheating the night before and luring going in? And now the verbal abuse and drinking? I feel like I can't hear clearly, maybe it's obvious I stay and work on it even though he kinda won't. Or maybe it's a good thing this is happening early so God can get me out? Don't know!

[Knot2loud]

From a Christian point of view... DO you think God would want you to be in an abusive marriage? Okay, so he's not physically beating you up, giving you black eyes and broken bones. Instead, he has cheated on you, lied to you and says terrible vile things to you. This is abuse! Do you think God would want his child (you) to be in this kind of relationship? Do you think you should be in this kind of relationship? Do you think God would want you to be happy in a marriage? Do you think you'd be happy in a marital relationship where you are not abused in the way you are now?

 

willowmarie... I honor you for your commitment to your husband. However, your husband is not honoring you the way he should. He needs to know now that if he doesn't change... You are going to divorce him.

[KantSleep]

Sorry you are going through this. I would likely never get over the cheating, but that is me. Now he appears to be a verbally abusive alcoholic. It doesn't seem like there is much joy in this marriage.