My boyfriends family make me feel uncomfortable.

[Hollsmaur]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months, and he's the most caring, loving and best person I've ever met and I love him. However I find it really uneasy and uncomfortable when around his family, I'm a shy person and I can be really nervous around new people but I do attend gatherings and talk to them. The reason behind the way I feel is down to how his family act towards me, sometimes they don't say hello or acknowledge me and when they do it's only small talk and I have to start the conversations. However one of his brothers have just recently started dating a girl and they all seem to talk to her like they've known her for a long time and they get on which makes me think that the problem is me. His brother also says things to me that hurt my feelings, for example he once pointed out my birth mark on my face and asked me what it was and why I had it and I just felt hurt by it because it's my biggest flaw. He did say sorry but it's not the only things he's said. The family have been through a rough patch in the past, as his mother left them all for because she had an affair, however they all seem quite functional and close as a family. I've been feeling like this for awhile and tried to put my feelings to one side but everytime I go to his house I always end up crying because that's how bad it makes me feel and it just makes me feel like I don't want to be there. I've told my boyfriend how I feel and he's trying to understand and has been coming to my house a lot more because of it. I also suffer from anxiety which just makes it a lot worse. I just don't know what it's gonna do to the relationship, because I want it to work but it makes the relationship that little bit more less enjoyable. Has anybody else gone through something similar? Any advice?

[Wiseman2]

They don't sound all that 'functional' or polite. How old is he? Do your parents know how they treat you?

 

You may want to invite your bf to your home even more and avoid going over there.

 

Why has your bf never stood up for you? Is he oblivious to their rudeness? This may indicate he's a lot like them, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.

His brother also says things to me that hurt my feelings. they all seem quite functional and close as a family. I've told my boyfriend how I feel and he's trying to understand and has been coming to my house a lot more because of it. I also suffer from anxiety which just makes it a lot worse.

[Hollsmaur]

My boyfriend is just 18, and my parents are aware, but they just suggested to me that I'm overthinking but they wouldn't know what they're like because they have never met them. My boyfriend is polite to my parents so I'm confused to why his family are so different. I guess he is oblivious until I tell him it's bothering me and I don't think he tells them that it bothers me. However he did ask everyone if they liked me and they said yes apparently

[Wiseman2]

His family may just be rude, dysfunctional etc. It's not about whether the "like you" or not. It's just the way they operate. Your bf should Not have asked them if they "like you", because that's nonsense.

 

He should suggest that they make an effort to make you feel welcome regardless of whether the "Like You". "Like" is Not important...RESPECT is.

 

Do not go to anyone's home you do not feel welcome or respected in. It's that simple.. Forget "like" or "approval" altogether.

Tell your bf unless they make an effort to welcome you and respect you, you won't be visiting there anymore.

 

But don't go there reluctantly and then whine and complain later without speaking up appropriately..

My boyfriend is just 18 and my parents are aware, but they just suggested to me that I'm overthinking . I'm confused to why his family are so different. I guess he is oblivious until I tell him it's bothering me and I don't think he tells them that it bothers me. However he did ask everyone if they liked me and they said yes apparently

[Hollsmaur]

Hmm. The only reason I go to his house now is to see him, because I feel it's not fair if I make him travel to me all the time. I just didn't know what to do for the best, didn't know whether to go there to fight it or avoid it by not going. I'm not going to his house as much as I used to, just once or twice a week at the most whereas he comes to mine every weekend. And I wasn't happy when he told me he had asked them.

[Wiseman2]

Either go and deal with his loony family and not complain or if you can't stand it or you think they are rude, don't go. Why can't you two go out on dates? Why must you see each other this much, it's too much. Maybe they just don't want guests hanging out all the time. Stop going over there this much and then complain they don't like you.

I feel it's not fair if I make him travel to me all the time. I just didn't know what to do for the best, didn't know whether to go there to fight it or avoid it by not going.

[catfeeder]

I'd be careful not to use my emotions to position myself as an adversary to BF's family. If you think about it, it's an insult to his DNA and to the connections with which he's most familiar and comfortable. It's up to HIM to decide whether his family treatment of you rises to his private bar, and if not, it's up to you to observe whether he's willing to correct that.

 

I'd consider it a disadvantage to manipulate BF away from his family, because it would deprive me of valuable information about him that I'd need to gain in order to assess whether or not the two of us are a 'go forward' deal. So I'd make it my private goal to continue to interact with his family as often as I'm invited to do so. I'd consider the source of these invitations: is BF conveying an invitation from his family, or is he operating on assumptions that where he is invited, so are you?

 

I'd accept only the opportunities to be social with his family rather than BF's invites when my presence is a potential imposition on his family's private time. I'd counter those with suggestions that he visit me, instead.

 

I'd also consider elements of the brother's GF's personality that the family enjoys. Rather than consider her my competition, I'd view her through a lens of a potential ally in getting to know the family better. If you can befriend the GF, she might pave your way into acceptance if you are able to form a bond with her rather than form a jealousy of her.

 

BF and his family are a package deal. Attempts to steal him away from them will backfire, regardless of how much sympathy BF appears to show toward you at the moment. Your long range strategy is to outlast their resistance--but never by imposing when you sense that your presence was not voluntary on their part.

 

Head high, and plug along appropriately. That's a judgement call. Be wise about that, and don't worry about being less popular than someone else. Make brother's GF your ally, and you will thank yourself later.