Is He Cheating?

[jcgirl2007]

Need a second opinion on this...my boyfriend and I live together and have a great relationship. Last night, I was wrapping his Christmas present and went into his office to get some tape. When I opened his bottom drawer, I found an unopened 3-pack of condoms. We have never used condoms as he has had a vasectomy..I looked at the expiration date and it said 05/2021, so they are new. We started dating this year, so I suppose it is possible he bought them before he met me, but why would he keep them in his desk drawer?

We have a great relationship, and spend every night together. We go to the gym and cook dinner together every night, and he is never excessively on his phone or anything around me. Our sex life is great-we have sex once a day, sometimes twice on the weekends. He tells me he loves me all the time, that he misses me while I'm at work, etc. It just doesn't add up that he would be cheating..we spend all of our time together during the evenings and all weekend, so the only time he could do this would be during the day. He is a general contractor that runs his own small business, and is usually either at his home office or out on a site during the day. He usually answers my texts throughout the day unless he is in a meeting with someone, but that doesn't happen too often.

 

What do you guys think? I am really afraid to confront him...it will look like I was snooping. Should I just keep an eye on the drawer for awhile and see if they disappear? What would you guys do?

[j.man]

You two only started dating this July. He could have bought them any time. Given how long condoms can stay good for if stored properly, he could have even bought them last year. Don't confront him over them. It would come across as incredibly insecure. Plus, you'd only get a lie if they were for extracurricular activities. Do you have any history of trust issues?

[qwaspolk82]

Maybe it was a gag gift at work or from a friend? Maybe he did have them before you?

 

You can ask him. If he is he'll just lie. He probably isn't. But he could be - people think that if someone's cheating they stop having sex with their partner. But I've read that when someone cheats they actually have more sex with their partner. The only way you'll find out is ask him or catch him doing it if he is.

[Scoe141]

Is he the type of person to keep random stuff around? He may have just kept them around and forgot about them.

 

If they were in his wallet or manbag, then I would question it. Sounds like nothing to stress about.

[Wiseman2]

It seems there have been trust issues all along?

 

You moved into his place rather quickly, no?

 

From August 2016 2007;6620325]So I met this guy online 2 or 3 weeks ago. he called and told me he was afraid it was moving too fast. He also told me he fears he has commitment issues..I don't think he is seeing anyone else because of this. he logs into his dating account still. I am seeing this through a blank account, by the way. I've been burned badly by that before.

[rosecolored108]

If you feel like there are trust issues, it may be cause for concern.

 

If not, he very well could have bought them before you started dating, as you haven't been dating that long.

 

You can ask him...but don't be accusatory, let him answer, and leave it at that.

 

I think you will be able to gauge if he is being truthful or not, based on your relationship and how much trust you have in him.

[Wolfshook]

Since you dont date for long,maybe he bought them for you. Dont worry about that.

 

Btw some not so known brands have really funny expiry dates going as high as 10 years (probably some dude at the office just says "just put this date on").

[Hollsmaur]

In my opinion, it's probably unlikely that he's cheating on you. If he's with you most of the time doing cooking and other activities it shows his dedication and commitment towards you and that also means he has less time or opportunity to cheat. Like others have said, the condoms may have been bought before you started dating. You could approach him about it and ask him why he has the condoms, but don't accuse him of cheating and just explain that you were looking for tape. I hope things work out well for you!

[ParisPaulette]

I wouldn't worry so much about the cheating but when did he have the vasectomy? If it was before the rubbers showed up I would be a whole lot more worried about the fact I may be having unprotected sex with someone who is simply too selfish to wear a rubber and is lying about it.

 

If he had the vasectomy and you know it for sure, there's a scar or medical paperwork or you went with him then that part of it is all good.

 

BUT why not just ask him, simply hold up the box and say, "Why are these here?" Then don't say anything else, just stand and let him talk maybe with a simple, "Talk," and see how he acts or what he says. You'd be surprised how much people will tell you if you remain calm, don't say anything outside of asking one simple question and then standing there saying nothing else, doing nothing else, but that.

 

Me, I'd be freaking out about a pregnancy scare right about now. And yes, you let this guy move in way too soon. Before you really even knew him, and when there appear to have been commitment/trust issues from the get-go. This speaks to you having a problem potentially with being alone and willing to overlook red flags in potential partners to the point you end up in situations like this. And you may want to take another look at that.

[katrina1980]

I would probably ask but NOT in a accusatory or confrontational way.

 

I would do it playfully, teasing him about it. I have actually done that and we've had a good laugh.

 

You were only looking for tape in the drawer, and found them, which is fine, no way could he accuse you of "snooping."

 

Anyway, just me but I speak up if something troubles me, I certainly would not ignore, let it roll off, or "shuffle under the rug.".

 

You are living together for chrissakes, something bothers you, speak up. Communicate.

 

Never assume anything, whether it's assuming he isn't cheating or is.

 

But again, do NOT accuse, you give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

If you do it playfully in a teasing way, if he has nothing to hide, you will both have a good laugh about it!!

 

If he starts getting defensive, attempting to flip it back on you for *snooping* (which you were not), well that would be a problem.

 

My two cents.

[Wiseman2]

Sadly you should just move out of his house. You have only dated 5 mos and you moved in there despite his repeatedly trying to slow things down.

 

This lack of trust is a huge problem in itself but playing detective and setting traps is just never going to work in the long run. Since you've only known him for a few months and he was still on dating sites the 1st month you dated, these may be from that time. What's all the paranoia about?

Should I just keep an eye on the drawer for awhile and see if they disappear? What would you guys do?

[katrina1980]

Sadly you should just move out of his house. You have only dated 5 mos and you moved in there despite his repeatedly trying to slow things down.

 

This lack of trust is a huge problem in itself but playing detective and setting traps is just never going to work in the long run. Since you've only known him for a few months and he was still on dating sites the 1st month you dated, these may be from that time. What's all the paranoia about?

 

So there is a back story here apparently.

 

In any event, relationships evolve over time, so those earlier issues (him being on dating site the first month) may no longer be relevant to their RL now, in the present.

 

OP, just ask for heaven's sake. Do NOT accuse, stay positive and give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

But do ask like I said in earlier post, or in your own way.

 

Frankly I find the fact you are too afraid to ask him and communcate, an even BIGGER issue than finding unopened condoms in the drawer.

[j.man]

Alright, here's a pro-tip. There is no way to ask about something like this without being accusatory. Unless your guy's got a single-digit IQ, he knows why you're inquiring. You found condoms in a man's house. It's nothing the New York Times would stop the presses over. Vasectomies don't stop STDs. Before you came into the picture, he may have anticipated a date with some brains might come over and not be willing to have unprotected sex with someone who hasn't been medically screened. Doesn't really matter. You were barely into dating him before you were checking his profile to see if he was still active. Now you're worried after finding what all smart, sexually active men have in their homes.

 

Now sometimes you'll find some shady **** that merits some clarification. After a night out, I somewhat (very much) drunkenly made an OKCupid account modeled after Fred Flinstone to send sexually suggestive, Bedrock-themed messages to friend of mine (a dude). Had the John Goodman Fred Flinstone profile pic and everything. Don't ask my why this kind of **** amuses me.

 

Anyhow, I forgot to delete the account that night and some 60-year old messaged me weeks later, thinking it was a real profile for some reason. I'd recently borrowed my girlfriend's computer and didn't log out of my email and a notification popped up for her while we were sitting with each other. She was actually amazingly calm about it. But yeah, while I'm big on trust and privacy, that was a situation where I logged right in to show her what it was. She didn't find the material nearly as humorous as I did, but she was satisfied.

 

But yeah, for very mild things like this, it's best to learn how to trust through rationalization rather than routinely having the guy stand trial, regardless of how light-hearted you feel you're being. Also, even if he has had a vasectomy, don't have unprotected sex unless he presents you with some medical paperwork for both the operation and his sexual health. But that's assuming you're not particularly interested in having STDs or babies.

[Hollyj]

I would never have thought that, I would have simply assumed they were purchased before we met.

 

I think you need to deal with your trust issues.

[Wiseman2]

Yes!

I would never have thought that, I would have simply assumed they were purchased before we met.

]

[leseine7]

Honestly, I have a few different 3-packs of condoms that my girlfriends have given me as jokes in the past several months. My boyfriend and I don't use condoms either, but I would be surprised if he read into that. I even had dirty dice and a stack of mini tarot cards from a girlfriend who liked to leave stuff in my bedside table to make me laugh when we all lived together. I wouldn't be weirded out or annoyed if my bf found all of that; I would just explain. But I would be surprised if he immediately concluded maybe I was cheating. adults do tend to have condoms on them, right? I don't get how that immediately signals the potential cheating, unless there is another reason to question his fidelity.

[katrina1980]

When my ex and I moved in together (I moved into his), while I was cleaning, I found one single, rather gauche looking earring in the back of his desk drawer. Needless to say, it was not mine.

 

I did NOT freak out, become insecure or suspect he was cheating.

 

I did not ignore it either though.

 

Instead, I teasingly asked him about it.

 

I can't recall xactly what I said, something like "who do you know who would ever wear this gauche looking thing" LOL, wink wink, chuckling while saying it.

 

His response?

 

He started chuckling too, and we both had a good laugh about it!!!!

 

Of course that earring was from way back when before we even met, which was what I suspected anyway, but I wanted to tease him about it anyway, cause I actually found it quite funny.

 

Anyway, had he became uncomfortable, or getting defensive, that would have told a different story.

 

We would still laugh about that incident years later!!!

[tattoobunnie]

He probably uses them to masturbate with. Totally common thing.

[reinventmyself]

You've been seeing him for only 6 months and found condoms? Surely he could have bought them six months ago, don't you think?

If everything else is fine I would leave it alone.

Just be open to seeing is anything else is amiss. But mostly, for now he deserves your trust.

 

I personally wouldn't give it any thought.

If you had been seeing him for a couple years and found them, that would be another thing.

[rayfutz]

Yeah, the finding condoms thing. Its so common. And there are sooo many reasons why. I would FIRST go with your gut, I mean you have a feel, you know his routines, you are a woman and you can read his body language. What FIRST does that all say. Anything?

 

Then think about it. Could be he bought before meeting you I mean it hasnt been that long. Could be he is really insecure about pregnancy or something, maybe one day in particular he was feeling especially so, and he bought some.. but never unded up using them cause he sat down and thought what you might think and since you never used any with him before, maybe he thought you would over think things.. or whatever. You know, women look at all angles when it really might be he was being over protective one day and bought some, but never used them.

 

And never threw them away cause.. they are still good for a while and lets face it, for what you get out of them and how often used: condoms are expensive.

 

If you are still worried, maybe mention to him you were in the drawer getting tape or something really specific, and you saw them. Then with an open loving mind just listen to him, who knows, maybe he will have a really solid answer and you will be like "oh yeah... never though of that at all."

[JaggerJim]

There was another poster awhile back, who had the same issue. She wasn't sure the condoms she found were for them, or if he was cheating.

 

It turned out he confessed he was going to cheat. If you don't use condoms, you have to ask yourself why they are there. Just a thought.

[katrina1980]

There was another poster awhile back, who had the same issue. She wasn't sure the condoms she found were for them, or if he was cheating.

 

It turned out he confessed he was going to cheat. If you don't use condoms, you have to ask yourself why they are there. Just a thought.

 

Everyone has their own reasons I suppose.

 

We could all speculate until hell freezes over based on our own experiences or why we would have condoms in the drawer, but in this case, I think the ONLY person who is in a position to answer that question is HIM!

 

OP don't ever assume anything.

 

That's how loads of people (women and men) find themselves involved with cheaters, scammers and the like (not suggesting your bf is, it could all be perfectly legit, just sayin).

 

They're too afraid to ask the hard questions for fear of looking insecure or clingy.

 

Screw it, it's YOUR heart on the line here.

 

Plus I think it's a legit question. You don't use condoms but yet you found condoms.

 

No need to go psycho on him, just communicate, that's what you do when in a RL, you communicate.

 

Not walk on eggshells, ignore things that concern you or shuffle under the rug.

 

Again that's how folks get into trouble, but assuming and ignoring.

 

Anyway, I hope it all works out for you the way you hope it does, think positive!

[Wiseman2]

Some people just leave stuff laying around or in draws where you can forget it's even there...

 

What's in his junk draw? Now that would tell more about a person. Maybe there's receipts from strip clubs, escort services, etc.

 

Then some others just have a lot of old and forgotten stuff laying around.

]

[katrina1980]

Some people just leave stuff laying around or in draws where you can forget it's even there...

 

What's in his junk draw? Now that would tell more about a person. Maybe there's receipts from strip club or escort services.lol

 

 

Maybe this, maybe that.

 

Maybe they fell into his drawer from outer space! LOL

[Miles87]

He's not cheating.