................or instead, friendship growing stronger

[1a1a]

It's been over a year since we split. Most of our interaction over the last year has been happenstance, working together that turns into post work food. One time I was feeling really Really down about a Romantic prospect that didn't pan out and, knowing that we have the beginnings of a good friendship I asked him if he would like to spend some time together because I really needed a friend face. He was happy to oblige that.

 

For a good while I really missed him, and had to talk myself out of being attracted to him when we were in the same space. As it became clear that a good friendship was in the making, and with time, I got ok with the idea of us being split but I still really hated being single. I was very very lonely but I've spent the last year meeting people, trying to nurture connections, making myself try new hobby things, of it's own volition work has picked up keeping me occupied and giving me a much needed sense of purpose (all good until it goes quiet, then I'm back where I started but with some extra cash).

 

One day I realised I kind of didn't mind being single, I won't say anymore, but at that given point in time, I felt ok. (In the midst of being really busy of work, I love work). I also really wanted to pick up this series we'd been watching before we split again, and silly sentimental, I always imagined him not watching anymore without me and us getting to finish it in the future when we reconnected as friends. So I extended the invitation and he accepted and I suppose that wore down the barrier against socialising. I couldn't really pinpoint the when but my contact with him has increased Significantly over the last month or so. My suggestions to watch more of that show together, working together that turns into socialising, we both went to the same event interstate, I to mix, him to play (same band) which turned into a good deal of time together, he has started to be the one to suggest the post work food (there have been nights over the last year, where I knew we were both in town and I longed for him to be the one to suggest it). At the time we broke up, he had so many commitments he was straddling burn out (he took on so many things he had no room left in his life for a girlfriend!!!) That situation really didn't change until a couple of weeks ago because for every commitment he dropped, he took another on. He has finally acquired free time, and in the space of less than a week realised it doesn't make him happy, just depressed and lonely (perhaps because he has nurtured no relationships in that time). My response to this message was to offer him company. That was last Thursday. We ended up hanging 4 days in a row over the weekend (in between work and going home) and when it was time for me to go to band practice he was offering more contact time.

 

As you can see, I am overthinking this. My heart is peeping over the fence going "ohhhhh" evidentally I am still sweet on him. With the increased contact, I have wondered if, now that he has time, he has time to feel what he felt for me in the first place again (because I always found it really hard to believe he felt nothing when he said he did. Even though I really really REALLY should believe him). Logic head says, this is him, having time to be sociable, and trusting the friendship. I have been wondering for at least the last couple of weeks now, if there is a chance for reconciliation. But I haven't said anything, because if this is just him trusting the friendship, I don't want to scare him off.

 

I think, I would very like to be his partner again, IF he feels the same way. But I would be equally happy having him as a close friend (or a not close friend, whatever level of engagement he feels comfortable with. If there is one thing I have learnt over the last year, it is that I have to accept people at the level of engagement they are comfortable with!!)

 

Since the 4 days straight, I have been hoping for, and disappointed by a decrease in the amount of contact via phone. I think if I said "would you like to hang out today" there is a very solid chance he would say yes, but I would like him to ask, also, 4 days in a row is decadent and whatever we have, friendship, relationship, should not be rushed. He's taking up more space in my head than he should be though, which is frustrating. And then I think, this is no different to any of the other unrequited feelings I have held over the last year, I need to go slow and focus on my own things. Now that I'm going into down time with work, it's more important than ever to make myself do hobby stuff, and clean the house, and get out and be sociable with friend people.

 

I'm posting, I guess, to get all these thoughts out of my head number one, to get advice on reconciliation if anyone has any to give, to get a pep talk to keep doing Me (I know I need to keep doing me, as though single, but it's hard, now I think he's just a text away, it's awfully tempting).

 

I'm kind of frustrated at myself for not being over him by now, how do I get him down off this pedestal I've put him on?

[1a1a]

Hmmmmm, and after writing this, I found my mind wandering over things that happened leading up to the end of the relationship. All of which could be summarised as I wanted his company, but he did not want mine. Add to that that I haven't heard from him today and there is a work related message from last night that remains unanswered, it would appear it still stings.

[Wiseman2]

It seems he may still not be as interested/available as what led to the breakup. Perhaps he was meant to be a friend not a bf?

[rosecolored108]

It sounds like you want more than friendship, though you state you would be just as fine with staying friends. Is that really true?

 

It sounds like you want a relationship. If that is the case, and you have been hanging out, more and more, with positive results, then you need to confront him about that.

 

 

If he does not feel the same, then, unfortunately, you should probably stop hanging out and contacting him. It will only serve to hurt you.

 

You probably deserve someone that wants you like you want them.

 

You can get him "off of the pedestal" when you start dating around and find someone who is as interested in you as you them.

 

Sometimes it is human nature to want people that don't want us back, because we like the "challenge."

 

However, it is much more fulfilling to be with someone who loves you just as you love them; you will feel a lot happier.

[Andrina]

Being friends with an exlover is not a good idea when you wind up with a future prospective partner. He won't appreciate you hanging out with and communicating with a man you were once dating. It also prevents closure, since you still harbor romantic feelings for him. A person's time is limited, so why would you expend on millisecond with or thinking of someone who didn't care enough to make things work with you? Your time should be spent with people who value you.

 

Start treating him like any other co-worker. You're having a one-sided emotional affair with him. That needs to stop. Apply for another job if you don't think you can get over him while still regularly seeing him. Don't ever put more effort into a relationship than a guy, especially at the beginning. It's best to gauge his interest instead of someone who just goes along for the ride because he's too cowardly to end things. When the right guy comes along, you won't have to guess. You'll see that he is crazy about you and will clearly show that. Take care.

[1a1a]

Wiseman - I wonder that myself, maybe we were never meant to date (although when it was good, it was just what I needed)

 

Rosecoloured108 - My heart definitely wants the romance, it's my head/most objective self that values a friendship (in whatever form it comes). Although I'm certainly not as stuck for friends as I was a year ago, he's easy to be around and 'gets' a lot of my dreams and stresses without me needing to explain context (same industry). *sighs* I have been dating over the last year, and I've fallen for a few men who blew hot and then ice cold. Not having a good run of it. Thank you for reminding me I deserve love back in equal measure (I mean, we all know that right? But it always bears repeating).

 

Andrina - Ahhhhh, this is the longest I've ever been single, I despair of finding the next person with whom I will share reciprocal interest. You're right though, about the one sided emotional affair thing. And I expect I'm thinking about this a thousand more than he is, and it sucks. I do think he cares about me though. Would be much simpler if he didn't. Just, either he fell out of infatuation and interpreted that as ending time, or he really truly fell out of all feeling and I'm still struggling to accept that because although I've often fallen out of love, I've never stopped loving the person or wanting to be with them (just lose interest in sex). At the time that we split he was very overcommitted. Combined with introverted nature and being on the autistic spectrum, I guess I have always wondered if he really stopped feeling or was too overwhelmed. Behhh, does it matter? Either way, as you say, he didn't want to try and make it work.