Should I text the other girl?

[afwife9]

So we had an issue with his texting a classmate and we were long distant at the time. I saw long records of back and forth texts that I had no idea about. I confronted him and he came clean saying it was a girl, but it was only about school and work, strictly professional. Then it evolved from school and work to school, work, and other things. Then it became "We were just friends." At that point I didn't believe a word he said and we've tried to look past it, I believe we made some progress, but I still have my doubts. "Just friends" don't text that often and that frequently. And I just recently saw a social media message from another guy in his class telling her to "Take care of him for me." And it's bizarre because who says that to another female about a married man? My husband said he told people he was married, but that I'm not too sure of either. It kills me thinking that my husband would ever do anything flirtatious with another woman, he was never that man.

Now I'm at a crossroads. Should I text the other woman? Approach it as "Your number appeared numerous times on my husband and I's phone record. I was wondering who this was." Or should I just leave it? I feel like if I don't do this I won't get any peace of mind. I just want her to say something like "Oh yeah he was just a classmate, etc" something to just ease the worries. Please help.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you don't trust him, go through his texts and confront him about even talking to other girls. If you are married why do you need social media to determine how your marriage is going? How long have you been married?

 

It sounds like you and your husband do not communicate well. What are you hoping she reveals to you that your husband won't or that your snooping and social media scanning hasn't?

I saw long records of back and forth texts.At that point I didn't believe a word he said. And I just recently saw a social media message from another guy in his class. Should I text the other woman? Approach it as "Your number appeared numerous times on my husband and I's phone record. I was wondering who this was." Or should I just leave it? I feel like if I don't do this I won't get any peace of mind. I just want her to say something like "Oh yeah he was just a classmate, etc" something to just ease the worries.

[afwife9]

I'm hoping that she tells me something along the lines of it was just professional conversations, nothing to worry about. He's telling me that it was nothing to have worried about, but I feel like what I see is telling me otherwise. I never had trust issues with him before but the fact that he's hidden speaking to this girl and gone out with her and other girls to eat just worries me a little. I hate when things are hidden, as would anyone else. And it wasn't like I checked the phone records everyday, trying to monitor what he does because I didn't want to do that, but there was a whole other situation that led me to question what he really was doing and so in the end, yes I did check the phone bill and that's when this issue came up. I feel like I wasn't wrong in checking the bill because if I hadn't, this situation with him hiding this relationship with this girl would have stayed hidden as he had intended.

I understand that it looks like I never trusted him, what I'm feeling or doing may look overbearing, but never in the five years we've been together would I ever think that he'd do something remotely as thoughtless as this. It's not the fact that he spoke to a girl because I am completely aware that he will need to speak to other women at work regardless. It's not that I don't want him speaking to women at all, I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is things being hidden from me because it gives this sense of wrongdoing on his end, like what he was doing was not okay so he had to hide it from me despite me telling him I don't care about other female relationships at work. It the fact that I don't know if he was really keeping it professional that worries me. I feel like if I texted, she may be able to provide me with a sense of relief if she just says "Oh this is ____. Yeah he was just a classmate." Or it could go the other way and tell me she never knew he was married despite his claims telling me she knew. It's just a lot going on in my mind, worrying about whether or not he told me the whole truth or he hid things again. If something happened, if there was the slightest wrong intention, I told him to tell me now while I am still open to look past it. He said nothing happened and there was no ill intentions so I just took it and tried to move on, but things I see just pull me back to my doubt. I just feel like a text would help clarify what really he was doing.

[Wiseman2]

So funny. Do you really think if she was cheating with him she would text this back to you? She would mostly tell him "your jealous psycho wife texted me accusing me of being some sort of mistress...haha"

 

Why don't you ask or believe him rather than her? Marriage counselling would be a much better idea than texting this.

I feel like if I texted, she may be able to provide me with a sense of relief if she just says "Oh this is ____. Yeah he was just a classmate."

[afwife9]

I am not accusing her of anything I am simply asking who it is. And I don't know I'm hoping maybe she'll be truthful if something did happen. IF something did happen. For all I know she could be just as clueless as I was and not know he was married and then if it comes to that then I know he was lying about what his intentions really were.

[Wiseman2]

Why won't you go to marriage counselling? Does your "husband" wear a ring or is he in that habit of acting single?

 

Yes contacting females that you snooped through his phone to find will get back to him and If you are married he may beat you to the lawyers office for a divorce. Are you married?

I am not accusing her of anything I am simply asking who it is. And I don't know I'm hoping maybe she'll be truthful if something did happen. IF something did happen. For all I know she could be just as clueless as I was and not know he was married and then if it comes to that then I know he was lying about what his intentions really were.

[JaredTheGhost]

Stop snooping and trying to discover a hidden agenda that more than likely does not exist. A relationship or marriage is nothing without the basic foundation; trust.

[MissCanuck]

Your marriage is already in serious trouble if it has reached this point.

 

Consider this: you message her, she doesn't reply right away but instead contacts your husband, he tells her what to say to you. You might get a very sanitized version of the truth. Or she ignores you completely. Or she turns out to be a crazy loom and goes off on you.

 

In other words, I don't think messaging her is going to provide the answers you are looking for.