Unrequited love so I ended a close friendship. I think she hates me now. Why?

[RaisedEyebrow]

So there's this person who I've been liking for years. This year, as fate would have it, we became office colleagues and close friends. I expressed my feelings a few times and I'd get little to no response. However, I received a lot of mixed messages, playful banter (which I loved of course) and complaints that I "ignore her".

 

Initially I told myself to be ok with the situation, to keep having fun and to be friends. I was working out my own feelings too because they too were conflicted, but they were so strong and it was driving me nuts. Then one day I got tired. I realised that I was being inauthentic and dishonest to her and to myself - I wanted to try dating her, I wasn't being a true friend, I was tired of holding my strong feelings back so I wouldn't freak her and myself out, tired of being confused (about her messages and my own feelings), it hurt to be around someone who wasn't reciprocating my feelings and I had a sneaky suspicion that she took me for a ride a few times because she knew that I liked her.

 

So recently I told her that I needed to take a break from the friendship and to just have a professional relationship. The decision was hard and it was very sad for me. She didn't take it well. It's been about half a month and she still wouldn't look or talk to me in the office. She'd try to ignore me if she could and if I try to make conversation (again in the office), she'd answer very briefly.

 

I knew that she wouldn't take the friendship breakup well but I don't understand the reasons why. I have a few speculations in my head but I was wondering if you peeps could enlighten me?

[SooSad33]

A work related involvement? Eww

 

I suggest you keep going as you are... at a distance.

 

I would have backed off longggg ago.. with her never properly showing the same interest back. WHY put yourself in this turmoil?

 

Move on... let her accept no more.

 

But, honestly, I feel you set yourself up for this. Should have just kept it at friendship basis.. NO more expectations.

 

Now, you both need to settle down...

[Wiseman2]

You did the right thing. The friendzone sucks when your feelings are on the line and particularly when they sort of walk that line to get the attention. She will pout that her biggest fan is moving on and will find a woman who does return his love.

I realised that I was being inauthentic and dishonest to her and to myself - I wanted to try dating her, I wasn't being a true friend, I had a sneaky suspicion that she took me for a ride a few times because she knew that I liked her. So recently I told her that I needed to take a break from the friendship and to just have a professional relationship.

[RaisedEyebrow]

Soosad33: Yep I tried to keep it at a friendship basis for months. And I backed off, or tried to, for months. It was hard. I know that office anything is bad. I tried to push my feelings down.

[SooSad33]

YOU can't exactly be friends with someone you have those 'feelings' for... not til they're gone.

 

its best- for your own mentality- to keep much distance for a good while.

[Sportster2005]

My guess is she's retaliating because she's not getting what she wants. You took it away from her.

 

The reality is it doesn't matter why. You're making the right call. Unrequited love is a deep horrible suffering. Add to that the complication of being co-workers, you did the only thing a smart person who do. Continue to be professional. In time you will both get used to the new reality.

[rosecolored108]

You are definitely doing the right thing.

 

If you have strong feelings for someone, it is near impossible to be "just friends." Your feelings usually get in the way.

 

If she truly values you as a person, she should understand that. She may have valued the friendship, but you were looking for more.

 

In time, you will get used to just acting professional towards one another. I am sure she misses your validation, but that was not a healthy situation for you to be in...

[katrina1980]

 

I have a few speculations in my head but I was wondering if you peeps could enlighten me?

 

I am wondering what YOUR speculations are. Same as here?

 

Please do tell.

[katrina1980]

 

My guess is she's [punishing you] because she's not getting what she wants. You took it away from her.

 

 

Fixed that for ya!

 

(Retaliating fits too, but punishing fits better imho!)

[abitbroken]

Did you tell her that you "wanted to take a break from friendship because you want to be more than friends and she does not." or did you just say "i am taking a break from the friendship". If you said the second, I would be miffed. If you said the first then she just needs to understand.

[katrina1980]

Did you tell her that you "wanted to take a break from friendship because you want to be more than friends and she does not." or did you just say "i am taking a break from the friendship". If you said the second, I would be miffed. If you said the first then she just needs to understand.

 

That's a good question, but I believe he said in original post that he had expressed his feelings to her a few times and he got little to no response.

 

Course we don't know how exactly he expressed those feelings, he may have thought he expressed himself effectively, but it's possible SHE misinterpreted what he expressed, or otherwise just didn't get it.

 

There is so much mis-communication out there, nothing would surprise me.

[RaisedEyebrow]

Wiseman2: Thanks. That is food for thought that she’s pouting because she’s lost her biggest fan

 

Sportster2005: Thanks for that. Although I knew that she wouldn't take the break well, I didn't know exactly why. Now I want to know why because I’m a curious mofo and by knowing why she’s behaving like this might make me feel less bewildered about her anger/hurt at me. Underneath anger is hurt isn't it. From your advice, I’ll keep reminding myself to act professional (wouldn’t want to break character one day if I’m finding it too difficult) and that in time, we will both get used to the new normal.

 

Rosecolored108: Perhaps a part of her does not understand because she’s clearly angry at me. Why do you think she is?

 

Abitbroken: I told her the first one.

 

Katrina1980: Lol she could be punishing me! My speculations are somewhat along the lines of the replies here. My other speculation is she didn't like the surprise. Also, she has a lot of friends and admirers but it takes her a long time to allow someone to be close to her. By leaving her I’ve cut off supply to her ego and it’s hurtful to lose a close friend. I think she is behaving immaturely though. I did state my feelings really quite clearly, I'm sure the expression of my feelings had all been clear because I'm no novice in admitting my feelings and I checked what I had said with a few female friends. But there is still room for miscommunication because at the end of the day, my friends are not her and they cannot possibly think exactly like her. But don’t most females usually pick up on a person’s interest quite easily anyway?

[Wiseman2]

Great way to interpret it. Probably spot on.

By leaving her I’ve cut off supply to her ego

"Narcissistic supply is a concept introduced into psychoanalytic theory by Otto Fenichel in 1938, to describe a type of admiration, interpersonal support or sustenance drawn by an individual from his or her environment and essential to their self-esteem."

[RaisedEyebrow]

Great way to interpret it. Probably spot on."Narcissistic supply is a concept introduced into psychoanalytic theory by Otto Fenichel in 1938, to describe a type of admiration, interpersonal support or sustenance drawn by an individual from his or her environment and essential to their self-esteem."

 

 

Narcissistic supply was exactly the term that was in my head but I didn't feel comfortable saying it. I still have a great deal of respect for her. But i just did so I've clearly contradicted myself.

[rosecolored108]

Raised eyebrow- she is probably angry because she lost a friendship and someone who validated her.

 

You did the right thing though; the friendship cannot continue with your feelings being the way they are.