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My girlfriend of 6 years wants to break up because she has fallen out of love.

wcc293

By wcc293
in Relationship Advice

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wcc293 Newbie

wcc293

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This is going to be long, so I apologize in advance. Well, I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 6 years, since she was 15 and I was 17. We made it through my 4 years of college and almost made it through hers. She got a job in NYC, where I work, and things would have come full circle for us. Parents adored me and treated me as a son-in-law.

 

A couple months ago, I noticed she was being distant at times and I made sure to bring it up to her. She would always reassure me and tell me everything was okay. Little did I know that she was fighting something by herself. It was only after I took the CFA level I, that she broke and told me over the phone (while she was still at school). Obviously, I took it hard and am taking it hard.

 

Before I get into more detail, I want to bring up one incident that should have been writing on the wall for me. During Thanksgiving, I went over to her house after I had been with my family and she had been texting me saying that she was in her room, upset. I get to her house and go into her room to see what was going on and apparently she said she felt weird and wouldn't tell me something was wrong. She swore it had nothing to do with me, we talked and I tried to make her feel better as usual. We hugged and kissed and went back to dessert.

 

All during this time I was studying intently for my CFA exam. A few days after, we had sex and things felt so right; I felt connected to her and she seemed the same. She later said that she pretended everything was okay to have sex, but felt upset after... She also later told me (the day after my CFA exam when all this blew up) that she was no longer in love with me and no longer attracted to me. Of course, this was a huge blow for me as I had been the most amazing boyfriend to her for the past 6 years.

 

Another incident was over text- she had asked me (premising that it had nothing to do with us) that if we broke up, if we could ever be best friends still. Obviously, I said no and she immediately got extremely upset. Should have been a red flag, but I was too focused on work and studying.

 

In retrospect, I should have given her more attention as it seemed at times she was extremely insecure (always asking me to hold her hand, kiss her, if I was attracted to her, etc); but to be honest, I did and said all those things. Perhaps she was too immature to see them in retrospect.

 

Now back to the phone call. She called me two weeks ago, the day after my exam after I had gotten upset that she didn't want to talk after my 6 hour exam. It hurt a bit as she had been saying for weeks how she can't wait till I am done, etc. Apparently, she had been confused for 2 months or so and that she had felt that something was weird between us and that we were more like best friends. That some days she woke up and felt in love, others, she felt disconnected. I can see how the passion died down given both of us were so involved in our own busy lives, but to me I wasn't always feeling that in love feeling which I accepted. It doesn't last forever; but I knew I deeply loved her, would feel in love feelings during "moments" of passion, and felt like she was my partner.

 

We shared the same goals, career aspirations, visions, values, etc. so it definitely hurts. I felt that we had both taken each other for granted to the extent that things weren't exciting. I'll admit, we didn't go out as much, but this had only been for the time I was preparing for my exam.

 

Little does she know, I had two trips planned for when she got back. Anyways, she claims she got bored. She premises this break up as her wanting to be independent (given we have been dating since she was 15) and that it hit her that she wants to experience being independent and not have to be dependent on me for anything. I understand this, but the fact that she did not even bring this up to me for months gives me pause.

 

We've barely been talking the past two weeks and she seems extremely cold and distant. I am starting to accept things, but feel as if we may meet again in the future. I just don't know if I am willing to let her back in after what feels like a betrayal. She swears it isn't someone else and that she truly doesn't want a relationship anymore. She also wants to take from me scrapbooks and stuff that I don't want, which I find odd (because according to her I had given her so much, was so special to her, etc.). She says she is extremely confused, still loves me as a best friend/like her sister, but lost the passion and "in-love" feeling. I am her first love, so perhaps this could be a factor.

 

I am meeting up with her Friday because she feels she owes it to me to have all my questions answered. Part of me may never want to talk or see her again after that, but part of me feels I will get over it. Part of me also feels she'll come running back after she finds the independent world to not be as great as she thinks, but I will have probably moved on. I will probably go no contact for as long as I feel a need to go.

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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Sorry to hear this, sounds like she's struggled with this for a while, but finally told you her real feelings. She was in fact tied down way too young and should experience life and freedom more. You should take her lead and do the same. It's very mature and insightful on her part to realize this.

 

The other problem is being together way too long so now she sees you as a sort of big brother from perhaps a bit of smothering and overprotecting her?

She premises this break up as her wanting to be independent given we have been dating since she was 15 and that it hit her that she wants to experience being independent and not have to be dependent on me for anything.
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wcc293 Newbie

wcc293

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Thanks for the input, I've realized that I need this too and will move on to better things. Open to trying this again in the indefinite future, but know I need time to myself to grow, mature and figure out what I really want.

 

Think she definitely sees me as a big brother kind of figure now, but I wasn't always like that. Felt like she enabled me to become that, but I have always been caring and nurturing.

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Wolfshook Community Regular

Wolfshook

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"In retrospect, I should have given her more attention "

dont spend too much time thinking what would be different,because honestly, whatever you did it would end up the same.

 

Try not to care for reasons,because as it seems she too doesnt know the real reason, and the real reason is that she has fallen out of love with you.

 

From now on, try to do what's best for you and exclude her out of your life. If there is something to be returned do it in next two weeks and then go total nc. It will be hard for firsr 3 weeks,and then it will start to get easier and easier. Just be strong.

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rosecolored108 Apprentice

rosecolored108

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I agree with the other two posters.

 

It makes sense she might want to be on her own for a bit, seeing as you were so young when you got together. I was with my ex, starting out at age 18.

 

People change a lot during these years and some grow together, and others do not.

 

It is normal to not feel "in love" after so much time as things become routine and sometimes we stop trying to show our partner how much we care because we get caught up in routine and in life.

 

I would definitely suggest no contact. Learn how it is to be on your own. Adopt your own hobbies and lifestyle. Things may happen with her in the future, but you need to give yourself time to move past her and away from the relationship, only then, will you heal properly.

 

Going no contact will be difficult, especially since you are used to having her in your life. However, as the other poster said, it will get easier as time goes on...you will settle into a new routine. Change is hard and often not welcome, but it helps us: grow, progress, and develop.

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wcc293 Newbie

wcc293

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Thanks for the insight guys. I'll meet with her Friday, see if she can explain and we'll go our separate ways. I'll be NC for a long time until I feel healed. The relationship was great and I learned a lot about what I can give someone else. I'm excited to grow and change without having to deal with the stress of a relationship anymore.

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wcc293 Newbie

wcc293

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Hey all, just wanted to update. We met with her this past Friday to talk about everything. She explained everything again, but mentioned she was open to trying again in the indefinite future, that I am perfect for her, etc. She mentioned that her parents told her to "keep the door" open; she mentioned that she wished we met later on in life. All very confusing things to hear. Chemistry was still there, she wanted a hug, mentioned how good I looked, held my hand, etc. Was very strange. Regardless of how it went, I feel so much better that I met up with her. We've been NC since and plan to be NC until I am ready / after she comes back to NYC. Still miss her like hell as I'm sure she does too, but I know this is the right thing to do.

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