Should I write a mail to my ex-bf after seeing life's not been fair to him?

[weltschmerz]

Ours was an inter-faith and inter-national long distance relationship for five years. We struggled against severe odds but eventually he gave into family pressure to marry a girl from his country and religion. It shattered me badly but I withdrew gracefully and ended things between us. He tried communicating with me even after he got married but I never replied to him. Eventually he stopped and even deleted his profile on FB.

 

For the past six years, I have struggled to move on in life but I have never disturbed him. To keep myself distracted, I took to reading and kept myself to my work. Last year, he resurfaced on FB, I ignored it. There wasn’t a single picture of his with his wife or family. He still used a 12 year old picture of his on his profile and there were only male colleagues on his friends list. Today a woman appeared on his friends list and turns out it is wife. I couldn’t resist and I checked out her profile, On her profile, I saw the two of them together. He’s looking gaunt and it seems as if he’s lost the spark. He was so full of life when we were together, now when I see him, he seems like an altogether different person. The wife (I have nothing against her, never had and I wish them well) is not the kind of woman, he always associated himself with. Suddenly I have realised, I resented him all these years for betraying me, while it truly seems he had given into pressure from family. I even feel bad that the hurt we have both felt has not helped either of us. I truly want to write him and want to tell him that I hold nothing against him and I want him to live a good happy life. Can I write him a letter to bring closure to something we have suffered enough for?

 

P.S. I am really sorry if I am projecting otherwise but neither am I trying to pity him nor am I gloating at his current state. I had loved the man enough to snap all contact with him when he married, because I believed in the sanctity of the relationship he had entered in. He had wrote me a mail, his family had called me up and his colleagues (even after a year of his marriage) had tried staying in touch with me but I never encouraged a thing. His colleagues even told me he still wept for us and was miserable. I was in fact enraged when I was told this because I felt he was doing this only to save his reputation (his entire extended family, his friends and colleagues had known me from day one of our relationship). I was suffering too, but not communicating with each other was the only ideal thing left for us to do when he was already married. The only urge today I have to write him is because all these years I thought only I have suffered, while he has equally suffered too. He’s 40 now and I am in my mid 30s. We have lost enough precious years of our life chasing something we couldn’t achieve. It is about time, we just forgive each other and truly move on in life. I have seen the best of him and right now he’s not even a shadow of his former self. I want the best for him, for us, even if it means letting go of eachother forever.

[Reflections11]

No. Don't do it.

There is no such thing as closure.

You are looking at a picture of him being gaunt and assuming a lot about his life based on that one picture.

What are you hoping to achieve? You just miss him that bad and are hoping to get him back in your life? Like I said, there is no closure. Like you said, you have wasted enough of your life chasing him. He chose somebody else over you, he made his choice.

 

Don't message him. Block him on facebook so you stop stalking him.

Whatever your real subconscious reason for messaging him is, contacting him isn't going to give you that desired result.

[Wiseman2]

No he's married. Do not contact a married man.

[ChellyV]

No, do not. He is married.

At the end of the day, everything was his choice.

[weltschmerz]

Honestly, I am not expecting anything out of him and have not in the past six years, even when I had a chance. Also, we are in the same position we were six years before, the factors that influenced our separation stand valid even today (I was expected to convert!). I was young and madly in love with him and yet I had taken a stand to not agree to certain conditions that were forced upon me by his family. Now after six years and especially when he is married, anything between us is totally out of question.

 

Also, believe me, I have suffered and lived with the fact all these years that he indeed chose someone else over me.

 

The only reason I want to write him is because I never believed him when everyone told me he gave into pressure from his family. He spoke to me until the day he got married, he wrote to me even after he got married, even his mother called me up and his friends stayed in touch with me. I never believed that he suffered as much as I did, I felt he was just doing everything to save his reputation.

 

Finally, wish I could convince people how closely I have known him to gauge his life from whatever little I have come to know of him right now. We were not only madly in love but we were each other's best friends too.

[Wiseman2]

Write it all out in a journal or discuss it in your therapy, that would yield much better results than sending it.

[boltnrun]

If you respect the sanctity of marriage...why are you trying to re-insert yourself back into his life?

 

Yes, you are.

[greta96]

Nothing justifies you contacting him. Nothing. He has made his decision a long time ago and you need to respect him and his family. Looking gaunt doesn't mean he's unhappy - maybe he's sick. maybe he has financial problems, there could be tons of reasons for that, and none has to do with you. If he loved you to the point where he was sick without you, he would have resisted family pressure and married you - I know quite a few men who did that, my best friend's husband being just an example.

As for you, are you really contemplating wasting even MORE of your time pining over someone who rejected you? Because pressure or not, this is what happened, he rejected you in order to marry someone else. Don't you think it's time you left him behind to live the life he chose, and you moved on so you can have a family of your own? Any kind of contact with him, even as "friends", will just drag you down. Stop filling your head with nonsense such as "life is not being fair to him", you have no way of knowing what his life really is like, and these are just excuses for you to feel justified to contact him despite the fact that you KNOW it's wrong.

But you're better than that, right? Don't go chasing married men!

[Wiseman2]

Your fantasy seems to be that he's unhappily married and that if he just hears from you, he'll leave her and come back to you, right?

 

It may be best to block and delete him and all his people as well as stop stalking his or his wife's fb pages so you can get some closure, finally heal and move on with your life. Perhaps then you can find a husband of your own one day.

Today a woman appeared on his friends list and turns out it is wife. I couldn’t resist and I checked out her profile, On her profile, I saw the two of them together. He’s looking gaunt and it seems as if he’s lost the spark. He was so full of life when we were together, now when I see him, he seems like an altogether different person. The wife is not the kind of woman, he always associated himself with.

[weltschmerz]

Everyone here, I think, has judged me very harshly. Honestly, had I really wished, I would have gone ahead and written him the way I could have preferred already. I think, you ought to give me some credit for having refrained myself from doing it, so far.

 

I have been reiterating I don't expect anything out of him or anybody. I may not have ended up with him in marriage but the bond we shared was something I valued at least. Yes things didn't work out the way we had expected but does that mean that whatever we invested in each other (important enough to share with friends, families and colleagues) is downright trash.

 

A lot of you have taken barbs at me, "sanctity" and "fantasy", truly and very easily judged me. Don't direct hatred towards me only because I genuinely felt for someone who once meant the world to me. I have suffered but I have never done anything to hurt him in anyway. A reason, his family, his friends, still concern themselves with me.

 

I came here to share things that I couldn't share with anybody around me, but the way I have been made to feel right now is something not even people involved in this entire situation have ever made me feel.

 

Thank you, nevertheless, for at least bothering to go through a complete stranger's rants.

[Andrina]

If his friends and family still speak of him to you, that is preventing closure for you. You either need to let them know what their communication is doing to you, or if you are actually friends with any of them, to let them know that the topic of him is off-limits. He made his choice to not rock the boat and comply with his family's wishes. That's one type of man in the world. Another type will say that he's a grown man and can love whoever he wants to, and if his family rejects him for it, it's their loss.

 

You build him up to something special when he would have been unethical enough to stay in contact with you even as he married another woman, if you'd allowed it. Do you think that was fair to her? This shows that he's spineless to not live his own life and that even though he has committed to one woman, he would freely continue to communicate with an ex-lover, which is self-centered and hurtful.

 

Six years is too long to still be in love with an ex. The mourning should have been compete years ago. Cut all contact with anyone he is associated with and don't look at any of their Facebook accounts. Your future lies with someone else, but your heart won't be fully available to anyone until you've faced the fact you two will never be together. Nice memories are one thing, but they are in the past and you can't open the front door when you've got your foot stuck in the back door. Take care.

[mfrankie1]

In my opinion if he loved you enough he would not succumb to family pressure, you would become his family first and foremost, you would be the one he had children with potentially and lived with. A number of people convert religions which you could or he could have done, or looked to compromise. I also had an interracial, East / West relationship, totally in love, and at the end of the day he chose to remain in his country and be with a local girl. I on the other hand would have moved to his country and married him if we continued to be a great match as individuals, I would have fought anyone who told me otherwise and told my family they would have to accept it for my happiness.

However, the strength of some cultures traditions are very strong, Asian for example is collectivist and based on happiness of everyone, not just the individual. If you are Western, it may be hard to understand why he cannot easily go his own way, but the way of family and his society. It just is what it is.

 

I think you should think of yourself and your values, what you want from life and prize them above someone who is actively choosing their own everyday, instead of you. We don't mean to be harsh, just realistic.

[Hollyj]

I can't understand why you would do this after all this time, other than trying to create DRAMA!!!!

 

If you haven't moved on in all this time, then I suggest you seek counseling.

 

If this had been such an amazing connection, he would have stayed with YOU. Get your head out of the clouds and face reality. Good Lord woman, move on with your life!!!!

[catfeeder]

Should I write a mail to my ex-bf after seeing life's not been fair to him?

 

No. Your 'closure' is your own choice. I'd make that now and move forward. You've kept yourself in limbo for too long, and your ex has nothing to do with that.

 

It's a decision.

[membername]

Ours was an inter-faith and inter-national long distance relationship for five years. We struggled against severe odds but eventually he gave into family pressure to marry a girl from his country and religion. It shattered me badly but I withdrew gracefully and ended things between us. He tried communicating with me even after he got married but I never replied to him. Eventually he stopped and even deleted his profile on FB.

 

For the past six years, I have struggled to move on in life but I have never disturbed him. To keep myself distracted, I took to reading and kept myself to my work. Last year, he resurfaced on FB, I ignored it. There wasn’t a single picture of his with his wife or family. He still used a 12 year old picture of his on his profile and there were only male colleagues on his friends list. Today a woman appeared on his friends list and turns out it is wife. I couldn’t resist and I checked out her profile, On her profile, I saw the two of them together. He’s looking gaunt and it seems as if he’s lost the spark. He was so full of life when we were together, now when I see him, he seems like an altogether different person. The wife (I have nothing against her, never had and I wish them well) is not the kind of woman, he always associated himself with. Suddenly I have realised, I resented him all these years for betraying me, while it truly seems he had given into pressure from family. I even feel bad that the hurt we have both felt has not helped either of us. I truly want to write him and want to tell him that I hold nothing against him and I want him to live a good happy life. Can I write him a letter to bring closure to something we have suffered enough for?

 

P.S. I am really sorry if I am projecting otherwise but neither am I trying to pity him nor am I gloating at his current state. I had loved the man enough to snap all contact with him when he married, because I believed in the sanctity of the relationship he had entered in. He had wrote me a mail, his family had called me up and his colleagues (even after a year of his marriage) had tried staying in touch with me but I never encouraged a thing. His colleagues even told me he still wept for us and was miserable. I was in fact enraged when I was told this because I felt he was doing this only to save his reputation (his entire extended family, his friends and colleagues had known me from day one of our relationship). I was suffering too, but not communicating with each other was the only ideal thing left for us to do when he was already married. The only urge today I have to write him is because all these years I thought only I have suffered, while he has equally suffered too. He’s 40 now and I am in my mid 30s. We have lost enough precious years of our life chasing something we couldn’t achieve. It is about time, we just forgive each other and truly move on in life. I have seen the best of him and right now he’s not even a shadow of his former self. I want the best for him, for us, even if it means letting go of eachother forever.

 

You're kind of contradicting yourself by saying you resented him and but yet say you want him to be happy. I understand you are hurt by what happened. But he made his choices, things you cannot change. Writing him will not bring you the answers your are looking for or the closure you are seeking. A photo is a photo, as another poster said, there could be a number of reasons for why he looked gaunt. Thing is, you have no real information to say he is unhappy, just a bad photo. And if he was truly unhappy again, he made his choice. You now have to make yours.

 

You need to look inwards and let him go..You can write the letter.. let it all out..But do not send it. Burn it and move on. He is a married man now and made his choice. He and he alone has to live with it. What you have to do is truly let go and move on. Which you haven't, looking at his social media after all this time like this and wanting to contact him is not truly moving on.

 

I haven't seen other posts taking jabs at you. Just offering you some clarity to your situation.