Texting conundrums and what to do this time?

[notalady]

Good point, Wiseman. He is super bold. But this is the guy who had done Iron Man 7-8 times. Who had been performing on Broadway. And now is in a boardroom of an $8Bln company. Who lived in 13 countries as a child.. It only gets worse when we look at his impressive family.

 

Sigh. I don't know what will come off it. But I am quite insecure. I cannot compare to his career achievements or income or family background.. And when I ask myself but why he choose me, and not someone more impressive? I have no answer other than we connect on all three levels, and he seems to like and respect me.

 

Sounds like he's playing on your insecurity. He sounds arrogant to be honest, whether it's the talk about other people being interested or a beautiful ex or "I'll have sex with you when the time is right" (which is presumptuous and again arrogant. Bold is an understatement).

 

If so many people are interested in him, he can feel free to go and date them. If his ex is so awesome, why isn't he still with her. That's what I'd say if someone say stuff like that to me.

 

I would've been turned off enough after a few of these incidents and comments that I would've walked, but you seem to like this approach, which is ok but just remember that you are both equals, here to assess the suitability of the other for a long term relationship, it's not a competition, career achievements or how many people are interested in him is irrelevant.

[Broomwood]

Sounds like he's playing on your insecurity. He sounds arrogant to be honest, whether it's the talk about other people being interested or a beautiful ex or "I'll have sex with you when the time is right" (which is presumptuous and again arrogant. Bold is an understatement).

 

If so many people are interested in him, he can feel free to go and date them. If his ex is so awesome, why isn't he still with her. That's what I'd say if someone say stuff like that to me.

 

I would've been turned off enough after a few of these incidents and comments that I would've walked, but you seem to like this approach, which is ok but just remember that you are both equals, here to assess the suitability of the other for a long term relationship, it's not a competition, career achievements or how many people are interested in him is irrelevant.

 

He is very interesting, out of ordinary guy, and even if those kind of comments make me insecure, I close my eyes on them because everything else is so exciting.

But you are right, I need to assess his suitability for LTR. And I was just wondering how to do this best. Maybe you guys can advise me. Now I am of the opinion to wait with sex for as long as possible, maybe a couple of months. And when he asks for it, to tell him that in my world it only happens in a LTR hopefully leading to marriage. It might well freak him out. He's just in the process of formalising his divorce. In the past two relationships, I started having sex with guys on date 5 or 6, and thought that it'll somehow work out fine long term. And while it did work out fine, after sometime I realised they were not the right guys for me, and broke up with both after three and two years in each case. One thing I know is that sex will put a veil on my eyes, and I won't see clearly. So I want to see clearly this time, and put the relationship through some tests first. Do you think it's a good idea?

[katrina1980]

He is very interesting, out of ordinary guy, and even if those kind of comments make me insecure, I close my eyes on them because everything else is so exciting.

But you are right, I need to assess his suitability for LTR. And I was just wondering how to do this best. Maybe you guys can advise me. Now I am of the opinion to wait with sex for as long as possible, maybe a couple of months. And when he asks for it, to tell him that in my world it only happens in a LTR hopefully leading to marriage. It might well freak him out. He's just in the process of formalising his divorce. In the past two relationships, I started having sex with guys on date 5 or 6, and thought that it'll somehow work out fine long term. And while it did work out fine, after sometime I realised they were not the right guys for me, and broke up with both after three and two years in each case.

 

One thing I know is that sex will put a veil on my eyes, and I won't see clearly.

 

So I want to see clearly this time, and put the relationship through some tests first.

 

Do you think it's a good idea?

 

No, I think it's a horrible idea. What sort of tests? And what would you expect to learn from these tests?

 

What if he "fails" the test, would you just dump him?

 

Tests often, if not always, backfire.

 

They always have on me. It's game playing and a form of manipulation imho. I try not to play that "game" anymore.

 

If you feel insecure with him, either he's the WRONG guy for you, or you should try to determine where that insecurity comes from and work on resolving it within yourself or with the help of a good therapist.

 

When guys I have just started dating brag to me about other women, I just let it roll off, it doesn't bother me in the least. I either just chuckle to myself, or I have been known to actually say "whatever you've got going on with "other" women doesn't concern me. I focus on you and me."

 

Period, end of. Literally, after that there is never any more talk about "other" women.

[Wiseman2]

Still legally married? Best to stop dating altogether and say call me when the divorce is final.

 

Unfortunately delaying sex will not protect you from this red flag 6719621] He's just in the process of formalising his divorce.

[katrina1980]

Delaying sex doesn't protect anyone of anything, regardless of whether you have sex after 20 dates, or one date.

 

I had sex with my ex the first night we met and we were together six years, got engaged but it ended last year when he became heavily involved in drugs (meth and cocaine).

 

Then again, I dated another man and we waited a month to have sex, and it ended soon thereafter.

 

I have said this before but there are never any guarantees when it comes to sex, dating, love, heck, even marriage.

 

People leave whenever they want, regardless of how long they've been together or waited to have sex.

 

Sad truth.

 

It's all a risk and if one is not up for it, then maybe they shouldn't be dating at all.

[Broomwood]

Thanks a lot guys. It feels really good to get your replies.

 

Katarina, the tests, I didn't think through that bit yet, but feel it's time I made some up. Why? The second relationship that ended three months ago taught me that I want a guy who'll be a strong shoulder, and will support me not only with word but with deed in a difficult situation. I had construction works in my house that went terribly astray with a builder having made some critical mistakes, liquidating. He had screwed up the roof and two bearing walls. My bf, loving and affectionate as he was, was a weakling. He'd hang laundry and tidy up after dinner, and I'll sort all the building mess, and stay up late thinking through all the possible options and learning the building stuff. He did not bother helping me, even when I asked. This was a great guy, I thought, but after two years of relationship, I didn't think so anymore. Having to be the man to sort it all and turn things around as I did, i lost all respect for him, and told him it doesn't work for me.

 

The guy before him, all nice, until I realised he was likely cheating on me and was lying to me. Also, we were stuck once for five days in my place with a really bad flue. That was suffocating for me. I could not wait till he leaves and lets me breath. Then I realised crystal clear I can't be with him long term.

 

So the tests like, maybe going to holland for five days and stay in some boring place in a tent. So I'd see if I can stand a guy for five days straight in closed space, and won't get bored. Like maybe have a crisis of some sort and see how, and if, he reacts.. Otherwise, the years just pass, and it is all nice, until it isn't..

 

Sex - yes, I see your point. It is critical for guys anyways, and to me to. It'd be terrible to wait two months to discover that it's pretty mediocre. I'm just thinking what to do, and hearing opinions here is very helpful. thanks again!

[Broomwood]

No, I think it's a horrible idea. What sort of tests? And what would you expect to learn from these tests?

 

What if he "fails" the test, would you just dump him?

 

Tests often, if not always, backfire.

 

They always have on me. It's game playing and a form of manipulation imho. I try not to play that "game" anymore.

 

If you feel insecure with him, either he's the WRONG guy for you, or you should try to determine where that insecurity comes from and work on resolving it within yourself or with the help of a good therapist.

 

When guys I have just started dating brag to me about other women, I just let it roll off, it doesn't bother me in the least. I either just chuckle to myself, or I have been known to actually say "whatever you've got going on with "other" women doesn't concern me. I focus on you and me."

 

Period, end of. Literally, after that there is never any more talk about "other" women.

 

Partially the insecurities are in myself, and I am working to address them. But I like your response! Will employ it the next time he mentions other women.

[Batya33]

Delaying sex doesn't protect anyone of anything, regardless of whether you have sex after 20 dates, or one date.

 

I had sex with my ex the first night we met and we were together six years, got engaged but it ended last year when he became heavily involved in drugs (meth and cocaine).

 

Then again, I dated another man and we waited a month to have sex, and it ended soon thereafter.

 

I have said this before but there are never any guarantees when it comes to sex, dating, love, heck, even marriage.

 

People leave whenever they want, regardless of how long they've been together or waited to have sex.

 

Sad truth.

 

It's all a risk and if one is not up for it, then maybe they shouldn't be dating at all.

 

Respectfully disagree - I think in general -and more for women - it's much riskier to have sex early on if you're looking for a long term relationship especially if you're a person who gets emotionally attached through sex. Higher risk of STDs (because you're strangers to each other), much worse if a pregnancy results and if the sex isn't fantastic you lack the friendship/getting to know each other foundation that can help you choose to stay together and keep "practicing" rather than bail since you're strangers. Having said that I know of happy couples who had sex right away, including the first night they met -just saying it's riskier if you want something long term. Not if you just want a fling.

[Batya33]

Still legally married? Best to stop dating altogether and say call me when the divorce is final.

 

Unfortunately delaying sex will not protect you from this red flag

 

He is married so he can't date - and that is also why he is behaving this way -he loves the female attention and ego stroking and telling you about how much female attention he gets . I would tell him to get in touch when he's been divorced for at least a year - let him sow his wild oats, get his bearings, and I think he'll be more down to earth and less needy about shouting from the rooftops and to a woman he just started dating how awesome he is.