Texting conundrums and what to do this time?

[Broomwood]

Me again with the same texting issue with that same guy. We have had two dates, and have lined up the third for this Saturday. Actually we are spending Christmas together. On the second date he suggested I join him for charity work this Christmas, and I said great, let's do it. However, we were unable to find any slots for both of us at the same homeless centre. He suggested instead we have dinner and then a walk in natural reserve on Christmas day. Great, I said, and asked if he wanted to eat out or at home. He said he'd prefer at home, and I can choose either his or my place. As mine has a bigger kitchen and closer to the park, I offered to host. We've been texting each day since our second date last Saturday that was fabulous by the way. We went climbing and had lots of fun. On this second date he kept touching my hands, hugging me and trying to kiss. We did kiss a little and rubbed our faces against each other. He said he felt very attracted to me, and I could see that.

 

So, the texting in between dates, damn it. Yesterday we had a chat on whatsap. And I asked him if he'd show me how to play squash. He said he would teach me both squash and tennis, if I'd be a good student. I asked to define a good student - we were just flirting with each other. I said, I can't promise to be a good student. Only if the teacher won't wear tightly fitting clothing or the student's mind will keep straying off the explanations. I meant to show that I find him hot, but perhaps it was a bit too much, too overt. He is from a very good family, serious and a high achiever. Anyways, he has not spoken to me again since. I don't like having to hang like this. So what do I do, and if this was too much you think?

 

I want to tell him that I don't like having to hang like this after a silly, admittedly provoking line, and that maybe it'd be better if I went and did volunteering instead of dinner at home at this stage.

[gebaird]

Wait until you see him to discuss what happened. He may have just gotten busy. I'd be totally flattered if a woman I was dating texted something like that to me, but I think you need to hear his side of the story before jumping to any conclusions.

[greta96]

I want to tell him that I don't like having to hang like this after a silly, admittedly provoking line.

 

Don't tell him this! It sounds demanding, crazy and clingy, and besides...it's only been one day!

It would also be better if you scaled down the inuendos, I mean you've only had 2 dates and this "provoking" line, after having invited him to have dinner at your place, could be misconstrued as something else, and that is just not the image you want to project if you have a serious relationship in mind.

 

What I would do in this situation: I'd tell him that after sleeping on it, I have decided it may be a better idea to go with our original plan, and leave the home cooked meal for a later day, when we've had the chance to know each other a bit better. Have more dates outside, don't rush things because seriously...what's the rush?

[j.man]

Yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

We told you to lay off the humor / contextual texting. This is the exact opposite. Just speaking as an average dude, I don't think it was "too much," but if he's not too much of a texter, it probably stands to reason he's not much for flirting over text.

 

Don't dwell much on it. Maybe he's waiting until you two are together to capitalize on the flirting. It also sounds like it hasn't even been a full day yet.

 

Plus, and please don't take it the wrong way as I can only assume you've got great in-person candor, but between this attempt to flirt and the joke you described in the previous thread, your SMS efforts are kinda awkward.

[Wiseman2]

This all sounds great. What happens in person is 1000 x more telling than texting. Don't ruin this by trying to conduct a relationship through texts, just leave the texting alone.

 

Don't try to fix presumed bad texting with more bad texting. Wait until he contacts you and stop texting too much, it's clingy and annoying.

 

Enjoy your Christmas date. Don't forget the eggnog and mistletoe!

He suggested instead we have dinner and then a walk in natural reserve on Christmas day.As mine has a bigger kitchen and closer to the park, I offered to host. I meant to show that I find him hot, but perhaps it was a bit too much, too overt.

]

[Broomwood]

Thank you guys. And voila, he has just replied. Is asking how I am doing and if done any christmas shopping. Nothing about the inappropriate line.

 

J.Man - you are direct, bless you English is not my first language that's perhaps the reason. But hey, I am funny, and make good jokes. Occasionally.

 

Okay, here is what I think I'll do. I'll have the home cooked dinner, but when he's here I tell him that I'll give him a choice to sleep in a spare room or on a sofa. And will explain that while I am attracted to him, it is better we wait with it until we get to know each other better. And by the way, when I had asked him on the fist date what he was looking for he said he didn't have a chance to think about it yet. So that'll be my argument that until he has formulated what he is after, we'll date romantically without sex.

 

And in between dates texting I will avoid 1) jokes, 2) sexual innuendo. But is it okay to call him for 5 min sometimes? A- la - "Hey, running between meetings but really wanted to hear your voice. How are you, what are you up to? Okay, gotta run, meeting a friend for dinner.." Is this thing acceptable?

[Broomwood]

But am I right to conclude that he is after something serious rather than something casual? If he was after something casual, he'd jump at the chance of me coming up with sexual lines like that, won't he? It'd make the whole plan much easier for him. On the paper.

[Wiseman2]

Texting silly stuff is not the way to find out, it's too oblique and meaningless. It seems you are coming on much too strong with desperately trying to sound sexy flirty...why? Save it for dates.

 

Sexting is kinda creepy until you know each other better. Just stop all the clingy creepy excessive sexting/texting before he gets sick of it. Do you have a texting addiction? He may think you don't have a life and that's very unattractive.

If he was after something casual, he'd jump at the chance of me coming up with sexual lines like that, won't he?

[notalady]

Agree with what everyone else already said. I'd focus on gauging interest while on the date and keep contact in between to a minimum.

 

I would also lean back a bit and let him lead the way in terms of pace and tone when texting, so if he's not being sexual or overly jokey in text, you don't do that either. Also I'd leave it up to him whether he wants to talk on the phone between dates, you could mention at the next date that you would like it if you can talk on the phone between dates. Then leave it to him to do it (or not). But either way, don't take it so seriously.

 

Overall it sounds like he has serious intentions and go at a reasonable pace, no rushing. So why don't you just let him set the pace? I feel like you keep trying to lead the pace, actually rushing a little, and when he sets the pace, you take it one step further, like inviting him to your place (instead of eating out), texting sexual jokes (which he ignored), now talking about requesting to talk on the phone. Just relax! Go with his pace. Dating to me is a dance, let him lead.

[notalady]

I will also add that, my boyfriend used to text very little between dates when we first started dating. I'm used to a lot of texting when dating, but when I saw that he doesn't text a lot, I didn't either. It was mostly to set up dates, very occasionally something funny I see on the internet, and he was doing the same. I think it was a great way to miss each other and build up anticipation for the date, and then have a lot of talk about on the date since we didn't really talk in between. This lasted 3-4 months.

 

At a later date, he told me that for the first few months, he'd always get excited when he sees a text from me. I said I was the same. It wouldn't have been the case if we constantly texted.

 

There's something to be said about less is more, when it comes to texting and phone calls.

[Broomwood]

Texting silly stuff is not the way to find out, it's too oblique and meaningless. It seems you are coming on much too strong with desperately trying to sound sexy flirty...why? Save it for dates.

 

Sexting is kinda creepy until you know each other better. Just stop all the clingy creepy excessive sexting/texting before he gets sick of it. Do you have a texting addiction? He may think you don't have a life and that's very unattractive.

 

Wiseman, you completely misunderstand me! I am not texting all the time at all. Sexy line was the fist ever (with him). Why? Well, I am way too serious otherwise. Being an ENTJ may shed a bit of light. So I try consciously to be flirty and funny, as it does't come naturally. Clumsy in texts, maybe, but in person my humour flies perfectly well..

[Broomwood]

Agree with what everyone else already said. I'd focus on gauging interest while on the date and keep contact in between to a minimum.

 

I would also lean back a bit and let him lead the way in terms of pace and tone when texting, so if he's not being sexual or overly jokey in text, you don't do that either. Also I'd leave it up to him whether he wants to talk on the phone between dates, you could mention at the next date that you would like it if you can talk on the phone between dates. Then leave it to him to do it (or not). But either way, don't take it so seriously.

 

Overall it sounds like he has serious intentions and go at a reasonable pace, no rushing. So why don't you just let him set the pace? I feel like you keep trying to lead the pace, actually rushing a little, and when he sets the pace, you take it one step further, like inviting him to your place (instead of eating out), texting sexual jokes (which he ignored), now talking about requesting to talk on the phone. Just relax! Go with his pace. Dating to me is a dance, let him lead.

 

Notaladay, I know, I am rushing it a bit. Thanks for pointing this out. I really wanted to spend time just with him without the distractions of a restaurant. But I never planned to have sex. I'll lodge him in a spare room after the christmas dinner. Will have him set the pace, and will follow. Yikes. But I know it's how it should be if I am the woman.

[reinventmyself]

Him coming to your house on a holiday, for dinner and you offering him to stay the night, no doubt the thought of being romantic crossed his mind as well as yours.

 

He probably dropped his phone when he read your text and needed to compose himself. That's not necessarily a bad thing! . . lol

 

Lesson learned. . Dinner is on. Just explain yourself with a sense of humor when you see him in person and get back track.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent, then save it for those times rather than forced unnatural texts.

Clumsy in texts, maybe, but in person my humour flies perfectly well..

[katrina1980]

 

Being an ENTJ may shed a bit of light. So I try consciously to be flirty and funny, as it does't come naturally.

 

Clumsy in texts, maybe, but in person my humour flies perfectly well..

 

That's because, from what I've read, your jokes tend to be a bit sarcastic.

 

Many people don't get sarcasm via text.

 

In person, they have the luxury of hearing the inflection and tone of your voice, so they get it and no doubt it goes off without a hitch, but in text, not so much.

 

In text, you can't hear inflection, or tone of voice so it sounds like he takes your jokes more literally when in text, and that may make him feel a bit uncomfortable.

 

Just a guess though. I know a few people who don't get sarcasm at all, let alone via text.

 

When you text him these jokes, do you put LOL or XD or haha after it indicating it's a joke?

 

Even just a wink or other emoji after it suggests it was a joke or just you being playful if you don't like LOL or XD.

 

Or you could do both.

 

It helps.

[Batya33]

I would have the talk about sex before he comes over to your house. One sentence "I'm really looking forward to seeing you at my place and I'm not ready for us to have sex yet" -no back story, no apologies, just direct and simple and before he comes over.

 

I would not call him to "hear his voice". Do that after you've been dating seriously for several months and let him be the first one to do that.

[Broomwood]

Thanks everybody! I am so pleased to have found such a supporting community here.

 

A quick update. The Date 3, Operation "Christmas", went very well. The sex question never even came. He said it upfront that he'll be going home with Uber. And added, "When the time is right, I'll sleep with you". He returned in the morning with uber, and we spent all of the Christmas day together. Went for a long walk in a natural reserve park, and talked all the time about everything. He is such a formidable character. And I never yet dated guys like him. He was a professional actor, in Chicago and then on Broadway. Changed careers, and now is a successful senior exec and entrepreneur. His ex is also quite a character, and I felt quite intimidated by hearing details about her. Mainly "very beautiful and dreadfully smart".

Here's the thing, when he doesn't keep in touch with me between seeing each other, I feel quite insecure. And then, he has mentioned twice, that there's a lot of people interested in him, and I understand he's gone on dates with some.

 

Of course, we both are very attracted to each other and feel at great ease around each other, and he is affectionate with me non stop, and asks for me to look in his eyes when we are close. And he is very patient to bring the sex on. He got me a beautiful Christmas gift.. It seems like we both have some real emotion going, and yet..

Now he's away for the week seeing his kids. And I have not heard back from him since his last airplane message three days ago. It is not like he's in Siberian tundra without the Internet. Where he is, is civilised, whatsapp works well. The only explanation I have is either distraction or lack of interest, or both. So I ask myself, whether I should make an effort and date other people. Makes sense. But I don't want to.

[Batya33]

He's mentioned twice that other people are interested in him - I guess I want to know the context but sounds like he's very insecure, socially clueless/tactless or some combination -ick. And why is he telling you about how beautiful his ex was -to someone he is trying to date and get to know.

I think its' fine that he's not in touch on a holiday when he's with his children for a few days or the length of the holiday.

Sounds like you had a fun time together and I know you don't want to date others but it might help you put things in perspective a bit.

[Broomwood]

He's mentioned twice that other people are interested in him - I guess I want to know the context but sounds like he's very insecure, socially clueless/tactless or some combination -ick. And why is he telling you about how beautiful his ex was -to someone he is trying to date and get to know.

I think its' fine that he's not in touch on a holiday when he's with his children for a few days or the length of the holiday.

Sounds like you had a fun time together and I know you don't want to date others but it might help you put things in perspective a bit.

 

Thanks, Betya. The context: first time on date 2 while we both felt crazy attraction and were kissing on bar stools after dinner. He, "..many people wrote to me here.. But I didn't reply. I am not interested" And keeps rubbing his face against mine. Second time, having dinner at mine after the walk. He asked a question that showed that he had not been listening, and missed on an important fact of my life. I got a bit offended, "So being a professional actor that what it is! I have the impression that you are here, and listening to me so well, but all that is just acting.." He, "I am not acting with you! I was listening. I told you so much about myself because I feel so free with you. I am a private person, do you know that? I almost never tell that much about myself.. Lots of people are interested in me, and I didn't tell anyone of them what I told you".

 

Socially clueless/tactless - yes, he's a bit like that. Very blunt. Also straightforward and direct. But since I am like that too, it works.

[Batya33]

Thanks, Betya. The context: first time on date 2 while we both felt crazy attraction and were kissing on bar stools after dinner. He, "..many people wrote to me here.. But I didn't reply. I am not interested" And keeps rubbing his face against mine. Second time, having dinner at mine after the walk. He asked a question that showed that he had not been listening, and missed on an important fact of my life. I got a bit offended, "So being a professional actor that what it is! I have the impression that you are here, and listening to me so well, but all that is just acting.." He, "I am not acting with you! I was listening. I told you so much about myself because I feel so free with you. I am a private person, do you know that? I almost never tell that much about myself.. Lots of people are interested in me, and I didn't tell anyone of them what I told you".

 

Socially clueless/tactless - yes, he's a bit like that. Very blunt. Also straightforward and direct. But since I am like that too, it works.

 

As long as you have a thick skin then it all works! I would not raise the "you're an actor" followed by assumptions and generalizations -kind of not fair to him IMO. People are not their jobs/careers - that's just part of who they are/what they do (I've been targeted like that and it doesn't feel good).

 

Straightforward and direct are great. Depends how much tact/thoughtfulness it is balanced with and what balance the recipient needs. Sounds like you like how he behaves.

[j.man]

He asked a question that showed that he had not been listening, and missed on an important fact of my life. I got a bit offended, "So being a professional actor that what it is! I have the impression that you are here, and listening to me so well, but all that is just acting.."

You've been on three dates, not together three years. It's perfectly fine to miss a detail. And him asking even if he missed it implies he at least cares a little bit to know the detail. Avoid passive aggressive quips like this. Believe me, as a certified ***hole, I'm as big on sarcasm as anyone else, but it really wasn't cute here. I'm surprised he took it in stride. I'd have said, "OK, I'll remember to bring a pen and notebook for next time."

 

Not saying you can't ever give him a little poke in the ribs, but between this and the rock climbing SMS quip (at least for those we know about), too much can come off as naggy. I'd try to keep it more straight forward and light hearted. But hey, maybe it's working for him.

[Broomwood]

We have been on two dates + the two Christmas days together. And it all went really well in person.

 

I guess, my question is why would he not text me something while he's away seeing his kids. Three days no nothing, and he is in a place with internet. Should I see it as a lack of interest? Then why so much romantic tones prior departure - flowers and "I'm so luck to have met you".. Perhaps he's distracted or committed to only focus on the children and nothing else. It is not that I cannot wait until he's back, but would be good to understand men's minds better.

[Wiseman2]

It's interesting how bold he is about sleeping over as well as still dating others. What do you make of that?

"When the time is right, I'll sleep with you". he has mentioned twice, that there's a lot of people interested in him, and I understand he's gone on dates with some.

[Broomwood]

It's interesting how bold he is about sleeping over as well as still dating others. What do you make of that?

 

Good point, Wiseman. He is super bold. But this is the guy who had done Iron Man 7-8 times. Who had been performing on Broadway. And now is in a boardroom of an $8Bln company. Who lived in 13 countries as a child.. It only gets worse when we look at his impressive family.

 

Sigh. I don't know what will come off it. But I am quite insecure. I cannot compare to his career achievements or income or family background.. And when I ask myself but why he choose me, and not someone more impressive? I have no answer other than we connect on all three levels, and he seems to like and respect me.

[katrina1980]

I have dated a couple of guys, who, when we first started dating, made a point of announcing how many women wanted to either chat with them (text or email) or date them

 

Not sure if this is some sort of "strategy" in an effort to make me feel "special" in that out of all those "other women" who were interested in them, they chose me... but I found it a bit of a turn off.

 

To me it indicates insecurity, but then again, it could have simply been part of their "game," who knows.

 

Before I met my bf, I dated a few guys (two that I can remember) who played various "games" with me, which was NOT appreciated.

 

Can't say for sure that's what's going on with your guy OP, but on its face, that behavior/braggadocio turns me off.