Gf texting her ex - update

[wonderboy1986]

Hi

 

So ... I posted a little while ago about my gf texting her ex. For some reason the thread was closed and I don't know how to link to it but it's called "help! Gf texting her ex".

 

I'd appreciate it if you could read the background, but long story short my gf of a year has been texting her ex every few weeks for about seven or eight months. The conversations are all started by her (never by him) and their all just random reasons to text. She says she's doing it to stay friendly, but they have no mutual friends, nothing to link them now really.

 

Anyway, she had him blocked on fb for a little while, but I've noticed in the last few weeks she's blocked and unblocked him a few times. Any thoughts? Should I be concerned?

 

Thanks

[gebaird]

I wouldn't be okay with this. I'd ask her to unfriend him on FB and stop texting him. "Staying friendly" with an ex is a bad idea.

[boltnrun]

My answers have not changed from your previous thread.

 

I'm both flabbergasted and not surprised that you're still having the exact same issue and still asking the exact same questions.

[RayF]

Should you be worried? Yes.

 

She's not over him and it will only lead to problems now or down the line. And should he profess some sort of undying love for her or something you can bet she'd go back there in a heartbeat.

 

The thing is even if she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong in her mind, she is. And she might not even be conscious of her connection to him.

 

Man up tell her to cut this and him out for good. You have a right ask that of her you know.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she wants him in her life for whatever reason. how long ago did they break up? How do you know she's contacting him?

gf of a year has been texting her ex every few weeks for about seven or eight months. The conversations are all started by her (never by him) and their all just random reasons to text. She says she's doing it to stay friendly

[wonderboy1986]

Unfortunately she wants him in her life for whatever reason. how long ago did they break up? How do you know she's contacting him?

 

They broke up a year ago. She left him to be with me. We love each other, and she moved in with me maybe 5 months after we got together. I know she's been contacting him because she wanted to be honest with me.

 

She's invited him to stay in touch if he wants to but he's never taken her up on that.

[Wiseman2]

Even though she "wants to be honest", have you asked her why she needs him in her life?

They broke up a year ago. She left him to be with me and she moved in with me maybe 5 months after we got together. I know she's been contacting him because she wanted to be honest with me.

[wonderboy1986]

Even though she "wants to be honest", have you asked her why she needs him in her life?

 

Yes. Her answer is basically that she wants to remain on friendly terms with someone she knew for many years. Some people have called me a rebound, but I'm not sure how that applies if she left him to be with me (also, we celebrated our year anniversary last week - it's a couple of days before the anniversary of their breakup). A year seems a long time for a "rebound", plus we've been living together for seven months or do.

 

Some people have said that she wants him back, but surely she'd have let him know that by now. She's been texting him for seven months! If she wanted to test the waters about a reconciliation, then surely she'd have called him or arranged a meeting or something by now.

 

I am confused about the fb thing tho. I don't know if that could be construed as being for his benefit? She's been posting photos of our Christmas decorations and everything.

[Wiseman2]

You'll need to decide if you are secure in the relationship or not regardless of relationship lingo your friends are throwing around. And whether you are ok with some social media contact between him and her.

 

You also need to decide who your "friends" are who are throwing out these chronic doubts or if you are your own worst enemy in that regard. Is this an exgf or female frenemies giving you all these doubts and advice?

 

Either you trust her...or you don't. Scanning and stalking her social media or any clue and hidden meaning will eventually become a self-fulfilling prophecy and you will suspect she's on her way out and back to him.

 

Why are you so insecure in this relationship? If their constant contact is crossing your boundaries speak up or forever hold your peace.

If she wanted to test the waters about a reconciliation, then surely she'd have called him or arranged a meeting or something by now.I am confused about the fb thing tho. I don't know if that could be construed as being for his benefit? She's been posting photos of our Christmas decorations and everything.

[wonderboy1986]

I guess I'm trying to get a sense if she had some ulterior motive other than friendship. The people I'm referring to are the people on here. I haven't broached it with people who know us because she only admitted to this after a few conversations, and I wanted an outside perspective.

 

Does it sound as if the fb thing was to get his attention? I do know she's planning to text him this week to wish him a merry Christmas.

[Wiseman2]

Why are you worried about this when you condone her social media and other contact with him anyway? This sounds like stuff teenagers worry about, not two adults living together..

 

Why are you so obsessed about him? Tiptoeing around clearly stating your boundaries and choosing instead to "interpret" social media musings as a barometer of your relationship will eventually implode.

 

Not because they are in touch but because of these chronic doubts, obsessions and paranoia. You make it sound like she's headed out the door any minute and you are clueless and panicking about it. Is that the case? Is your relationship after less than a year really THAT bad?

I guess I'm trying to get a sense if she had some ulterior motive other than friendship.Does it sound as if the fb thing was to get his attention? I do know she's planning to text him this week to wish him a merry Christmas.

[boltnrun]

Previous thread:

 

Same questions asked, same justifications given, same advice given.

 

If you're not going to do anything about it, if you're going to complain about then justify and explain away her behavior...what is the point?

[JaredTheGhost]

Here's some new advice. Tell her to disengage in communication with her ex. Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and insecure about your relationship and what you mean to her. Establish some boundaries that you clearly need to have, because just look at how much this bothers you. I tossed all contact of men for my husband to feel secure and happy. I am living proof that females can have platonic friendships with men; even ex's. However, that does not make it acceptable behaviour in a relationship and especially a serious one such as yours. Tell her to knock it off, or you're gone. I'm serious. It's ultimatum time, because of how much this hurts you and eats you alive. This could be innocent, but the fact that you are not okay with it should be enough to make her WANT to stop. You should not have to ask, so if she cares about your feelings; she will stop.

[boltnrun]

Here's some new advice. Tell her to disengage in communication with her ex. Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and insecure about your relationship and what you mean to her. Establish some boundaries that you clearly need to have, because just look at how much this bothers you. I tossed all contact of men for my husband to feel secure and happy. I am living proof that females can have platonic friendships with men; even ex's. However, that does not make it acceptable behaviour in a relationship and especially a serious one such as yours. Tell her to knock it off, or you're gone. I'm serious. It's ultimatum time, because of how much this hurts you and eats you alive. This could be innocent, but the fact that you are not okay with it should be enough to make her WANT to stop. You should not have to ask, so if she cares about your feelings; she will stop.

 

He's already told her it makes him uncomfortable and asked her to stop. She did...for a short while. Then she went right back to it. He only found out by looking in her phone. She then told him she wasn't going to stop, that it was no big deal.

 

So, she's disregarding his feelings. But he doesn't want to leave the relationship.

 

Two choices (which I mentioned on the original thread): 1) Accept it and stop letting it bother you (sincerely), or 2) accept that she isn't going to stop, decide it's a deal-breaker and leave her to her ex.

[JaredTheGhost]

I must have missed those prior details from the OP's older thread. I agree with you, boltnrun. He either trusts her or he doesn't and that being said he needs to put his foot down to this women, because her blatant disregard to his feelings on the matter is unacceptable.

[shiner501]

She is missing her ex. We cannot tell you why but that's what is going on here. She is keeping the lines of communication open whilst she is considering her options. OP, are you still courting and dating this woman?

 

At this rate, this is not going to end well, I am sorry to say.

[wonderboy1986]

She is missing her ex. We cannot tell you why but that's what is going on here. She is keeping the lines of communication open whilst she is considering her options. OP, are you still courting and dating this woman?

 

At this rate, this is not going to end well, I am sorry to say.

 

Yep, we're still living and working together so we're in each other's company pretty much 24/7. It's been like that since she moved in at the beginning of June.

 

The last time she text him was a few weeks ago, the weekend before our one year anniversary. He didn't answer until the next day because he was out so I'm guessing she's okay with not being his priority anymore. It was a few days after that that she blocked him on fb. That lasted a few days and then she unblocked him. The only thing I can thing that was unusual is that she saw him in town, we were just walking past and he looked right through her, but I'm not sure why that would bother her if there was an overlap of maybe ... Five days between starting with me and ending with him. She chose me?