What do I do?

[Mamatothree]

Myself and partner will be 6 years together this week. We have an ok relationship and got on great mostly.. my partner had a great job, a car and lived on his own when I met him. I fell hard for him and him for me, he was honest and he was a good catch, we moved in together, then he lost his job, his licence expired and he sold his car, from this moment about 4 years ago, he's only actively seeked employment 3 or 4 times, we row about this a lot as I feel a man should be out working!! But aside all that, in the house he is amazing, he does everything for our 3 kids (11 which isn't his, 4 and 2).

 

When we fight he puts me down and calls me horrible names, which I can also do my myself. The only difference is I don't go to far and try to calm it back down. It happens maybe 4 times a year.. so in may 2013, I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd baby, we were thrilled, 2 weeks later I was in hospital fighting for my life as the pregnancy was ectopic and had ruptured, I lost my tube and the emotional damage it done to me was horrific, 4 days after surgery I wasn't long home, I woke up at 4 in the morning with an over whelming grief, I was sobbing and woke him to talk to me, he started a huge row with me and in that moment I hated him, that was the start of all our problems, 4 months later I was pregnant again, we had some rocky times and we had really drifted apart..

 

So last December my youngest child got diagnosed with severe autism, this is more devastating now than when I found out a year ago. This year has been hell for me, I've never felt more alone, I feel like I do everything for my son, I sort it all out myself.. myself and partner spent no time together and honestly couldn't tell you when the last time we had hugged or kissed, I had many conversations with him about how unhappy I was, he seemed to want to make it work but never paid attention to me, so in my loneliness and weakness I had a slip up and cheated on him, 1 time with an idiot!! I cried after it for days and I came clean because I couldn't live with myself, I told him everything, that was 3 months ago, I hate myself for what I done, I've really tried with him to make it up to him and I would never never do something like that again!!!

 

He forgave me and we've been really trying, he has outbursts at me which I've let go because I understand he's angry with me. But this week the verbal abuse has been awful and we're both going through so much, son not sleeping, aggressive outbursts etc..

 

Yesterday morning we got into a huge fight he grabbed me by the neck, threw things at me and threw me to the floor, then I rang his mother as I was afraid and he wouldn't calm down no matter what I said!! While on the phone to his mother he came over and spat in my face. His mother came round and they left, he left his phone and all here so I haven't heard from him or his mother.. I'm so confused about my next step, he's never been physical with me like this before. I'm absolutely devastated.

[SapphireNoir10]

You need to leave, your child needs to see a healthy loving relationship. This is abusive.

 

Hands on neck is THE biggest sign of future murder in an abusive relationship. /

 

The situation is toxic, dont let him back.

[qwaspolk82]

Myself and partner will be 6 years together this week. We have an ok relationship and got on great mostly.. my partner had a great job, a car and lived on his own when I met him. I fell hard for him and him for me, he was honest and he was a good catch, we moved in together, then he lost his job, his licence expired and he sold his car, from this moment about 4 years ago, he's only actively seeked employment 3 or 4 times, we row about this a lot as I feel a man should be out working!! But aside all that, in the house he is amazing, he does everything for our 3 kids (11 which isn't his, 4 and 2).

 

When we fight he puts me down and calls me horrible names, which I can also do my myself. The only difference is I don't go to far and try to calm it back down. It happens maybe 4 times a year.. so in may 2013, I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd baby, we were thrilled, 2 weeks later I was in hospital fighting for my life as the pregnancy was ectopic and had ruptured, I lost my tube and the emotional damage it done to me was horrific, 4 days after surgery I wasn't long home, I woke up at 4 in the morning with an over whelming grief, I was sobbing and woke him to talk to me, he started a huge row with me and in that moment I hated him, that was the start of all our problems, 4 months later I was pregnant again, we had some rocky times and we had really drifted apart..

 

So last December my youngest child got diagnosed with severe autism, this is more devastating now than when I found out a year ago. This year has been hell for me, I've never felt more alone, I feel like I do everything for my son, I sort it all out myself.. myself and partner spent no time together and honestly couldn't tell you when the last time we had hugged or kissed, I had many conversations with him about how unhappy I was, he seemed to want to make it work but never paid attention to me, so in my loneliness and weakness I had a slip up and cheated on him, 1 time with an idiot!! I cried after it for days and I came clean because I couldn't live with myself, I told him everything, that was 3 months ago, I hate myself for what I done, I've really tried with him to make it up to him and I would never never do something like that again!!!

 

He forgave me and we've been really trying, he has outbursts at me which I've let go because I understand he's angry with me. But this week the verbal abuse has been awful and we're both going through so much, son not sleeping, aggressive outbursts etc..

 

Yesterday morning we got into a huge fight he grabbed me by the neck, threw things at me and threw me to the floor, then I rang his mother as I was afraid and he wouldn't calm down no matter what I said!! While on the phone to his mother he came over and spat in my face. His mother came round and they left, he left his phone and all here so I haven't heard from him or his mother.. I'm so confused about my next step, he's never been physical with me like this before. I'm absolutely devastated.

 

Leave. It won't get better. There's no reason to go through that. Take both your kids and go. They don't need to be around that.

[lukeb]

Leave. It won't get better. There's no reason to go through that. Take both your kids and go. They don't need to be around that.

 

I'm reading a book at the moment "The Murderer Next Door: Why the Mind Is Designed to Kill" and it challenges our notion of why most men kill. Most murders aren't actually committed by serial killers or criminally insane although they get most of the media attention. Most are actually done by ordinary people who find themselves in similar situations that you are in. It looks at evolution not culture since there aren't all that many differences between cultures when it comes to murder. Vast majority of victims are of course other men since from an evolutionary perspective men compete with men for dominance to propagate themselves. The more dominant the more sex opportunities.

 

In your situation you cheated on him while you are still reproductively relevant. It may seem that the violent outbursts are off the scale considering what you have done, and sure from a rational perspective you would be right. The higher functional part of the brain only came to us very recently, we have had a much longer evolutionary history of much more primal emotions of anger, fear, jealousy, disgust and they served us well from a survival perspective. The rational part of the brain might only be a thin veneer to cover all those base emotions. On the outside it may not seem that way.

 

In short you and the guy you cheat on with may be in a lot more danger than you realize. This is especially true if the guy you cheated on is known by your partner.

[Wiseman2]

Next time ring the cops. You need to move out, there really shouldn't be a next time...but there will be. People often stay in abusive violent relationships way too long.

 

Call a domestic violence hotline for help asap. Contact all your friends and family and put them on alert about this.

he grabbed me by the neck, threw things at me and threw me to the floor, then I rang his mother. I'm so confused about my next step, he's never been physical with me like this before. I'm absolutely devastated.