How do I move on without closure or answers?

[smilingsun]

It has been 2 and 1/2 years and I still can't seem to move on, is it because I never got closure?

 

Backstory:

I met this guy when I was young, he was my first real relationship and he still to this day is the most attracted I had been to a guy. He was great, he had the right sense of humor, he was raw and emotional when I needed it and tough and supportive when I also needed it. We had ups and downs like any normal relationship, we argued and disagreed on certain things and he pushed my buttons sometimes but we were great, he was my rock and I was an extremely supportive girlfriend especially with things that interested him like his soccer career. Everyone thought we were great together, so I know I wasn't delirious. But one day, around our one year anniversary he changed, he began distancing himself, he was always on his phone and wouldn't acknowledge me on his various social media accounts (petty, I know. But social media was a thing for both of us and we are both still pretty active on social media today) something was off and I always tend to trust my gut and be right about things. But I ignored it. We had sex and lost our virginities to each other a few weeks later It wasn't until he was late to my place one day about 2 weeks after the whole sex thing and not wearing the watch I gave him that he ALWAYS wore. I didn't think about it much then but when he left my house in a hurry, I walked him to his car asked him if everything was alright with us and asked if he wanted to talk about anything. He started to back up with me still inside his open car door. (No, he wasn't trying to hurt me he was just in that much of a hurry and apologized like 200 times and said everything was fine and I needed to stop worrying (which I did do often)

The next morning I texted him a long message explaining my feelings and telling him I felt like he didn't care anymore and that there may be someone else, I don't even know where that feeling came from but I had to act on it. He didn't respond all day, until around 4:30 in the afternoon when he texted me saying he loved me and that everything was fine and I needed to stop worrying. So I took a nap. Around 6:00, I woke up to a phone call telling me he didn't care about me as much as he used to and wanted to break up and said we could stay friends.

In that instant, I was shocked and completely blindsided. I was crushed and started crying and not the pretty cute kind of cry like a sobbing on the floor cry. I said I was bringing all his things by and that I was so mad and hurt. The phone call ended 3 minutes later and I packed all his things and drove them to his family home since I assumed he'd be there. I guess I just wanted to see him one more time and maybe convince him he was wrong but he wasn't there.

We didn't talk for a year and a half after that. However, he came to my beach week and tried to hang out with my friends who were staying across the street from my beach house that he knew we were staying at. He didn't even know my friends until I introduced them so idk why he felt like it was okay to just show up. Anyway. We still followed each other on social media and were friends on Facebook but I didn't even feel inclined to check his things like most exes would, if something of his popped up on my feed I would see it and just keep scrolling. The only real thing that kept me following him was the idea that he would at least see my things I posted and maybe I would be able to convince him I was happy without him.

It was a year and a half later when we spoke again, he texted me to ask if I was staying at my beach house the same week we always did (his family coincidently went down the same week as us for most of our lives) so he obviously knew I would be, anyway I saw him at a party a mutual friend was having and he approached me and said: "Hi how have you been?" I WAS LIVID. How after a year and a half of breaking up with someone by saying "I don't care as much as I did but we can still be friends" which is hardly an explanation in my opinion. I couldn't even bring myself to say anything in reply cause I was so angry.

After, I texted him (drunk of course) and after a little bit of arguing he said he WANTED to meet up and discuss/tell me everything, I literally didn't even ask him to, I just basically told him I was hurt that he never said anything not even trying to be mean, just wanted him to see it from my perspective... Needless to say, that never happened he said he had fallen asleep and I just never even tried again after that.. stuff like that happens don and off up until recently when I decided I was done with seeing him on my feed and timeline and was SO over him randomly Snapchatting me all the time that I should just cut ties and unfollow him since nothing I posted seemed to affect him one way or another and I felt like I took 5 steps back when I would see him being happy and moved on with his life.

 

I went full NC for the first time since we broke up about a month ago. A week after unfollowing him, unfriending him and blocking him on snapchat, I got a new Instagram follow request from him... and thats what has brought me here, I'm looking for some sort of guidance or explanation for the behavior he's shown since breaking up with me I'm SO fed up trying to interpret his weird ways of reaching out/making himself pop back up on my phone screen... Some people who know me and our situation have told me things like:

"He's trying to get under your skin"

"Hes too proud to own up and say sorry about his behavior so he wants you to make the first move of contact"

"He is trying to check up on you"

"He regrets the breakup and wants to see if you do too"

Any one of these can be a fair guess or assumption and I realize I could get the best most honest answer from him but I feel like I can't bring myself to do it. I guess I have to resort to unbiased opinions of the internet because I'm at such a loss. I have lots of unanswered questions and I don't know how to move on without those answers but I do know its possible.

I guess I would also be willing to meet up with him and talk about it if he wanted so Im just kinda asking for input since I am so over feeling tied to him just because I never got answers...

Some examples of things that he's done that i just can't remember the timeline of

1)Snapping me sometimes just him and other times with him and people I know

2) "Liking" my pictures DAYS after I posted them

3) Coming to my campus to go to bars when he doesn't even live around here

If anybody read this far thank you even if you don't have much advice or insight, I just want to get some perspective on this and hoping someone here can provide that... I know i seem crazy and like I'm overthinking it but he's not the type of guy that would talk to someone he didn't want to talk to, he could've blocked me months ago and hasn't happened and once I block him he tries to follow me again??

Not cool!

[gebaird]

This situation sounds absolutely miserable! You haven't been able to move on because of the continued contact on social media and IRL. You won't find closure by talking to him or getting "answers" about why he is doing this. Does it really even matter why? Look at the effect it's had -- it's keeping you from healing, and it's been two and a half years!

 

Block him. He doesn't deserve the time and attention you are wasting thinking about him. He's behaving like an a$$ and keeping you stuck. Give yourself a holiday gift and free yourself from the burden of his b.s. Closure is something you find on your own, not from the other person. Let go of the need to know the reasons why and simply focus on getting by.

[membername]

Doesn't matter what reason he would give to you, closure is for you. He cannot give it to you. You have to make peace with it and move on. Things happen in life which we cannot see the reason for at the time but we have to continue on our journey. The reason you haven't moved on is cause you (as the above poster said) are still in contact with him. You even said the reason you didn't cut him from social media firstly. You have to make a conscious decision to find the strength to truly move ON. That means continuing with NC and removing him from your mind space. Not being concerned with what he is up to or what his thought process is. If you continue how you were going you will always be sucked back into the emotional drama.

[Wiseman2]

Agree that you need to go no contact and block him from everything. He sounds immature, how old is he? This is your first relationship and quasi-breakup so now is a good time to learn that 'closure' is a myth and that it comes from within.

 

'Closure' is usually a device to continue contact and either negotiate getting back together or continue the drama and arguing. Breaking up in itself is the closure because the relationship is closed. After that you are no longer together or talking or hanging out because you are both free to explore dating others. Breaking up can be a good thing, when nothing works after this long and no one is happy or interested any longer.

[tina-rocks]

Couldn't agree more, your healing cannot come from any place accept from within yourself. Facing the fact it is over and I'm not saying that is easy, because honestly I know it is not, but for your own peace, you have to let go now. The past is exactly where it is meant to be in the past and for you to start a new life is now. Closure in my experience rarely comes at the end of a relationship and leaves lots of unanswered questions for some, but you realise that for whatever the reason, it's over and wasn't meant to be.

 

 

 

Christina