Please help. Not the man I thought he was. Should I move on?

[Amanda65]

Any advice is welcome. Please help.

 

My partner and I have been together for 2 years. In the beginning things were great, he was nice, happy, talkative and supportive and wanted to create a life with me.

 

For the last 6 months it has been hard to get him to communicate. Ever since I found a messages on his phone to a friend saying "sometimes I wish I was single."

 

I've only ever looked at his phone twice. Each time he was there and I was using it for a reason. But I still felt bad and he made me feel as though I was a phsyco for looking. Maybe I over stepped a boundary?

 

A few weeks ago he walked out for a few days because he said he was not happy and confused after we had an argument about him not talking to me. He wanted me to pay more bills and said if he were to buy a house it would be in his name only and I would have to sign legal documents. I had just had a family member pass away and had some time off work. He also brought up little irky relationship issues.

 

He came back and we said we would work through stuff. I admitted there were things I could improve on. Which of course there are. Who's perfect right?

 

The other day I was looking up a phone number to order tea on his phone and saw his search history was filled to the brim with porn. I got a little upset but he overreacted and snatched the phone off of me hurt my hand. He was also googling breast implant before and afters

 

He admitted he didn't want me to see text to his sister saying he didn't want to come back to me and that he was trying not to.

 

He said he was just upset and angry at the time he sent the message.

 

I know I'm pretty open minded and don't overreact all the time. I work hard and contribute to the house hold. I've lost a lot of weight so I'm not overly insecure.

 

I just can't help but feeling like I don't trust him and that if I stay I'm only goin to be lied to.

 

He always has stories to make the situation sound better I believe them at the time but there's always the seed of doubt.

 

He's also very overweight, which I've never had an issue with but he's insecure about. He has recently started acting jealous. I couldn't be any more faithful.

 

He says he loves me and wants to share his life with me etc. I love him and I would love to be happy with him again but I'm not happy right now and sometimes feel as though I deserve better. Someone who loves me for who I am and is honest with me.

 

I don't know if he's the person I thought he was.

 

Am I fighting a losing battle?

Sorry for the long story

[gebaird]

There seem to be some deep issues in your relationship. Everyone has a different threshold for what they will and won't put up with, but he's doing/saying some pretty dysfunctional things. You have good reasons for being concerned.

 

My advice to anyone in a relationship crisis is this: fix it or end it. Fixing it may take a long time, but it needs to be a continuous effort with measurable progress. Don't wait until you find yourself trapped and/or resigned to your fate, believe nothing will change but lacking the strength to escape. That's the very definition of hell.

 

Make your decisions based on how the relationship is now, not how it once was or could be.

[Amanda65]

Thank you for your reply. That's some very sound advice.

 

The last part about basing my decision on how it is. Hit me hard.

[Andrina]

This is not a loving relationship. Loving couples work as teams. He threatens to buy a house without you on the title. Your lifetime partner should treat you like the treasure you are, not like some sub-par irritant who doesn't deserve things like co-owning a home that each contributes to.

 

Yes, you are worthy of better. Love means little when the bad outweighs the good. Your gut instinct has caused you to snoop on his phone, which was previously not your habit when things were good (in your eyes, anyway.) It told you what you suspected.

 

You're not adored. Time to start the new year by pampering yourself and moving on without someone you've been settling for.

[Amanda65]

I do feel as though I'm not adored I suppose. Which can cause a lot of feelings of rejection, which have confused me a lot. I do sometimes blame myself for not being worthy I suppose and that's probably why I am still with him. I want to find the strength to leave but I love him and it's so hard to let go.

[nutbrownhare]

This is not a loving relationship. Loving couples work as teams. He threatens to buy a house without you on the title. Your lifetime partner should treat you like the treasure you are, not like some sub-par irritant who doesn't deserve things like co-owning a home that each contributes to.

 

Yes, you are worthy of better. Love means little when the bad outweighs the good. Your gut instinct has caused you to snoop on his phone, which was previously not your habit when things were good (in your eyes, anyway.) It told you what you suspected.

 

 

This relationship is doing neither of you any good, and the longer you stay in it, the more difficult it will be to leave. It takes time to find out whether you and the other person are on the same page, and this one sounds as though it's winding down fast. Someone who wants to share their life with you won't be talking about buying a house in his name only, and won't be sending messages saying they wish they were single.

 

Move on. It won't be easy, but it will save you a lot of heartache and insecurity in the long run.

[Liz3030]

I would leave and say "I deserve to be adored." Move on. He's not valuing you.

[Amanda65]

Thank you all