Advice needed on a very important decision

[Miles87]

My girlfriend and I have been together 2 years and for the most part it has been a great relationship, we have our ups and downs but get through it. At the start of our relationship, she had an ex that she had been with from the age of 16 to 23 so I knew what I was getting into then. He would stalk us and made it difficult for her to get her stuff out of his house and she also would sometimes go see him to help him get to work which bothered me and he would constantly try to get her to change her mind and made threats to me but I knew he would let go eventually and he did. However I asked her to never talk to him again if she wanted to take our relationship seriously so she blocked him from everything and that was that. So one day I asked to use her phone because I didn't have mine on me and there were multiple calls to him and this is about 8 months after he let go and we were doing excellent. So I asked and it was a dumb reason which caused me to have some serious trust issues going forward. Then I got complacent in our relationship about 6 months ago so this is after being together for a year and a half, which made her feel like I was more of a friend than a boyfriend which I totally agree with looking back at how I was acting at that time. so she started chatting with a guy, who is a co worker but doesn't even live near us, he's about 6 states east so I didn't worry about it because he's not here and won't be transferred over here either anyway and she said he has a wife and kids so no worries right? Slowly they started snap chatting more and she stopped telling about their conversations when she used to and also put a finger print lock on her phone and basically will not even let me see her screen or use it under any circumstance. So after she told me about feeling like I was more of a friend than a boyfriend, I stepped up and started doing date nights again, taking her on vacations, doing things she wanted to do, surprising her with little gifts and complimenting her more and saying sweet things that made us both fall in love at the start. I had some complaints about her as well which she corrected. So I asked her if she was sure she wasn't emotionally cheating on me with him and she said no, we just talk about things like a friend from work. She said he knew we were together and not to worry. So today she happened to leave her phone unlocked in snap chat and she had sent a message saying "I love you so much babe and you're perfect, you have me smiling again" he responded I love you more than anything right now in my life. So I played it off and asked about it and she said she had no clue what I was talking about. Well I screen shot it with my phone and she immediately got sick and walked away. She says that she just says it to him to not hurt his feelings because she knows that she isn't moving nor is he and she doesn't think he's attractive and is with me and she said during the time I was complacent is when they started talking that way. Basically I have no idea how to handle this. Do I leave her or try to work it out? My biggest frustration is that I asked her specifically about it months ago and she said no worries and that I shouldn't be suspicious or even think she would cheat on me. Our relationship has been great lately and I don't understand why she would do this. Am I overreacting considering the circumstances? If he was anywhere near here I'd be done with her but he's far far away. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Hawaii96814]

My girlfriend and I have been together 2 years and for the most part it has been a great relationship, we have our ups and downs but get through it. At the start of our relationship, she had an ex that she had been with from the age of 16 to 23 so I knew what I was getting into then. He would stalk us and made it difficult for her to get her stuff out of his house and she also would sometimes go see him to help him get to work which bothered me and he would constantly try to get her to change her mind and made threats to me but I knew he would let go eventually and he did. However I asked her to never talk to him again if she wanted to take our relationship seriously so she blocked him from everything and that was that. So one day I asked to use her phone because I didn't have mine on me and there were multiple calls to him and this is about 8 months after he let go and we were doing excellent. So I asked and it was a dumb reason which caused me to have some serious trust issues going forward. Then I got complacent in our relationship about 6 months ago so this is after being together for a year and a half, which made her feel like I was more of a friend than a boyfriend which I totally agree with looking back at how I was acting at that time. so she started chatting with a guy, who is a co worker but doesn't even live near us, he's about 6 states east so I didn't worry about it because he's not here and won't be transferred over here either anyway and she said he has a wife and kids so no worries right? Slowly they started snap chatting more and she stopped telling about their conversations when she used to and also put a finger print lock on her phone and basically will not even let me see her screen or use it under any circumstance. So after she told me about feeling like I was more of a friend than a boyfriend, I stepped up and started doing date nights again, taking her on vacations, doing things she wanted to do, surprising her with little gifts and complimenting her more and saying sweet things that made us both fall in love at the start. I had some complaints about her as well which she corrected. So I asked her if she was sure she wasn't emotionally cheating on me with him and she said no, we just talk about things like a friend from work. She said he knew we were together and not to worry. So today she happened to leave her phone unlocked in snap chat and she had sent a message saying "I love you so much babe and you're perfect, you have me smiling again" he responded I love you more than anything right now in my life. So I played it off and asked about it and she said she had no clue what I was talking about. Well I screen shot it with my phone and she immediately got sick and walked away. She says that she just says it to him to not hurt his feelings because she knows that she isn't moving nor is he and she doesn't think he's attractive and is with me and she said during the time I was complacent is when they started talking that way. Basically I have no idea how to handle this. Do I leave her or try to work it out? My biggest frustration is that I asked her specifically about it months ago and she said no worries and that I shouldn't be suspicious or even think she would cheat on me. Our relationship has been great lately and I don't understand why she would do this. Am I overreacting considering the circumstances? If he was anywhere near here I'd be done with her but he's far far away. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

I would be pissed if I was on your shoes. You have every right to be mad. I would seriously thinking of ending the relationship if I was in your shoes.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like she jumped right from the abusive relationship to you and lied about that. Then she wouldn't go no contact and this dude was stalking and threatening you?

 

Now she's sending ILYs to guys and lies about that. Best of all she blames her deception and emotional cheating on you and she's so wonderful she's only sending these ILYs to 'not hurt his feelings'.

 

Does his being far way make her deception and ILYs any less bad? Perhaps with no consequences she can just continue this? You should break it off give her space and take some time alone to process this and reflect on whats's going on here. The bottom line is seeing clearly and protecting yourself from more drama and heartache.

today she happened to leave her phone unlocked in snap chat and she had sent a message saying "I love you so much babe and you're perfect, you have me smiling again" he responded I love you more than anything right now in my life. She says that she just says it to him to not hurt his feelings

[ThatwasThen]

She's having an emotional affair. Something is missing in her for her to keep carrying on with men that are not you. Even after you did your best to remedy what she used as an excuse for her first bit of inappropriate behaviour with someone other then you, she still did it again.

 

She's not to be trusted in the state she's currently in which is the inability to remain emotionally monogamous to you (or likely anyone else right now).

 

I'd dump her if she didn't address with a professional what is lacking in her self-esteem to the point she needs to get her worth through the attention of more then one man. She's either monogamous or she isn't. Seems she is not. The fact she stayed in an unhealthy relationship for 7 years says a ton. She jumped from that codependency right into a relationship with you and has never had a chance to be her own person and to learn how to get her self-worth through accomplishments made and goals met as a single.

[melancholy123]

Time to pack up your stuff and move on. She's a liar and you know it. You cant trust her and you know it. She's also incredibly sneaky when it comes to her phone, but you caught her and now you know. I would not believe a word she says.

[Amanda65]

First of all, sounds like you make a lot of effort to overcome your downfalls in the relationship. Good on you, not a lot of people can do that.

 

Now that's some pretty heavy stuff. I'm so sorry for you. Some people can work past this sort of stuff, some can't.

 

No one can tell you if you can move on from that. Only you really know that deep down. Do you think you could trust her again? If so then try.

 

I hope it all works out for the best x

[KantSleep]

I would be very disturbed if my BF was sending I love you texts to another woman. Hurt and crushed as well. I don't know what to tell you to do. It sounds like a deal breaker, but maybe it can be patched up. Not sure but her behavior with this man must stop, at the very least.