Boyfriend's Mother Died: Lost Sexual Interest

[BeeperLou]

My boyfriend lost his mom a few months ago, and our physical intimacy completely stopped. I tried to disregard and be understanding as to the loss in his sex drive. He later told me that he had started masturbating and uses porn. This could be taken as a sign that his drive is coming back but since we lack intimacy, I’ve told him the least he could do is let me be the one who pleasures him; he now denies or hides the use of porn or masturbation. As time has passed, when we do have sex there is no reciprocation or effort on his part to pleasure me; none whatsoever. He doesn't even have the patience to allow my body to naturally react or "get wet" for him to penetrate me. I have tried to discuss it several times, but he gets defensive. I have even offered exploring our sexuality, trying new things, and offering to fulfill his “greatest” fantasies, but he shows no interest. He even turns me down when I take the initiative; granted I'm the only one who makes an initiative. As a result, I am now emotionally eating, insecure about my body image, suffering extreme rejection, questioning my ability to be faithful, as well as questioning whether his feelings are only platonic and not romantic. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but it’s been 4 months now and I have yet to be pleasured by him, let alone get a hug. What concerns me at this point is my desire to pleasure him is fading due to the lack of reciprocation and rejection when I take the initiative. My negative feelings and thoughts are so low that I am now jealous of romantic comedies, sex scenes on TV, or the mere appearance of affection between two partners. I do not know whether I should continue to give him the benefit of the doubt, be patient and remain communicative, or break it off (especially since the idea of cheating on him is surfacing more often). I just want to feel desired and sexually appealing. I don't know what to do. Given everyone grieves differently, and it takes time, I feel like I should establish some boundaries or expectations to keep the relationship healthy despite this hardship but my energy is running low, and my self-esteem is vanishing. Any advice?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. How long have you been dating? How was the sex before this? Did you recently move in together?

 

It sounds like this is destroying your relationship and he won't address your discussions. Is he depressed or drinking/using drugs or having an affair?

 

If it's becoming this toxic, back off and consider breaking up.

My boyfriend lost his mom a few months ago, and our physical intimacy completely stopped. I am now emotionally eating, insecure about my body image, suffering extreme rejection, questioning my ability to be faithful, as well as questioning whether his feelings are only platonic and not romantic. it’s been 4 months now and I have yet to be pleasured by him, let alone get a hug.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm sorry that you are not seeing that your man is depressed and that excessive masturbation can be a sign of depression. He lost his mother for goodness sakes. How can you be so all about you when he needs time to process his grief?

 

If you are so affected by his lack of emotion and inability to feel turned on at the moment then leave him and find someone that doesn't give you an excuse to over-eat and feel sorry for yourself.

 

This is harsh, I understand that but come on. Have you never lost someone you love and have been too pre-occupied in your grief?

 

Get yourself some professional help if you find romantic comedies and the like cause you to feel threatened in jealousy.

 

I just want to feel desired and sexually appealing.

Yes... you're just as pre-occupied with that as he is with his understandable grief. Perhaps you'd both get some benefit and your relationship back on track (and his life back to normal) with some professional guidance? Have you asked him if he's in need of therapy or a visit to his doctor to help him over this unpleasant part of life?

[j.man]

Get some perspective or get a new man.

 

"I told him it could at least be me who pleasures him."

Nope, nope, and nope. Porn and masturbation are far and away the most compartmentalized and effortless venues for sexual release. And even then, it's about hormones, not sex or intimacy.

 

"Offered to fulfill his his greatest fantasies"

LOL. Cute, but never gonna happen. Not for him or any other guy.

 

Look, the dude's mom died, and if that's not enough to kill his drive to have sex with you, you nagging him sure is sealing the deal.

[BeeperLou]

I actually have started seeing a counselor, and have done extensive reading on the stages of grieving and how I can set aside my own needs to be supportive for him. I came to this forum as a place to vent versus venting on him because that is not what he needs right now. I've just bent over backwards trying to be strong for him; encouraging him to not resort to drugs/alcohol, to focus on his goals and the things his mother would have wanted, as well as giving him space to be alone, with friends and family to bring balance. I offered for him to join me in counseling, and even to attend a loss and grief workshop if he was interested but no pressure. Its just been exhausting trying to give him what he needs while still maintaining my own health and needs. I genuinely have tried to be patient, take it as a day by day, tried to be as selfless as possible, and lean on my own support system. I believe if we can make it through this then we will only be stronger. And yes he lost his mother, but I too was right there with her almost everyday during her treatments, the moment she took her last breath, and held down the "fort" while the family tended to their needs. I was practically living with his mother during her last few months; I too experienced the trauma, but between him and I, it feels like I'm the only one trying to be supportive. And of the primary love languages, physical intimacy is my main one, so I'm not being selfish, I'm communicating the means by which I receive love, of which I too need right now in all of this.

[j.man]

And yes he lost his mother, but I too was right there with her almost everyday during her treatments, the moment she took her last breath, and held down the "fort" while the family tended to their needs. I was practically living with his mother during her last few months; I too experienced the trauma, but between him and I, it feels like I'm the only one trying to be supportive.

I wouldn't even put this in a grade school joke book.

 

He lost his mom. You didn't. No amount of hanging out comes remotely close.

[BeeperLou]

We are/were best friends, and had just taken the leap to be in a romantic relationship. In such, it was confusing as to whether his intimacy was the sole result of the loss of his mother or maybe there was confusion on our feelings from romantic versus platonic. That is what has made it difficult; newly committed with immediate change in intimacy patterns because of a tragic loss. If friendship is all he needs right now then I will respect that; I love him and have been here for him for a few years. But, if we are in a relationship then I need confirmation because its getting ambiguous. I don't want to just leave him because he lost his mother; he needs me and all the support he can get. He experienced extreme depression the first few months; fell into heavy drinking and drug use. Luckily he snapped out of that really quickly.

[BeeperLou]

She called me her daughter. I was closer to her than my own mother. You cannot judge the degree to the role she played in my life, and I hers.

[j.man]

You need to get over yourself.

[BeeperLou]

Criticism and judgment. What else should I expect seeking input from a public forum. Thought it was a better option than burdening him. Sorry that I don't have all my ducks in a row and should know how to automatically support someone while they are grieving. Forget that I ever said anything.

[j.man]

You're right. He's a complete ***hole who can't can't put the fact his mother birthed him, fed him from her breast, raised him, and loved him from babe to adult aside for the sake of his girlfriend who can't let a tragedy go unwasted.

 

The level of ego is absolutely astounding.

[Almira23]

I can't say that I understand how you feel, but ultimately there isn't much you can do in this situation.

You can continue to emotionally support him through his grieving until he feels better and his libido is back to normal.

Or you can leave the relationship and find someone else, who you are more sexually compatible with.

Your needs aren't being met and considering the circumstances, I can understand why.

Have you tried investing in any toys for the time being? Maybe that can help you out.

[BeeperLou]

Thank you. I won't leave him; we are pretty much engaged but the talk of marriage has been set aside given the circumstances. And I am in complete support of that because he needs this time to process and transition into life without his mother now. So because I love him, I am trying to support him in every capacity I can. Its just hard to not take things personal at times. He is not comfortable with me self-pleasuring simply because he too wants to be the only thing that pleasures me. Hence making it difficult that he isn't wanting to right now.

[BeeperLou]

Do not call him an . He's not being an . He's grieving his mother, of which I am trying to understand and be as selfless as possible. But it is hard to not take things personal at times. That has nothing to do with ego.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you'd be singing a different tune if you were to ever lose a close family member. If you're "trying to support him," ditch the sex life pity party, and educate yourself on the process of grieving. The most important thing he needs at this time is to have somewhere there to listen, and understand that everyone grieves differently, and there's no one size fits all.

 

I've been there, and it's not a walk in the park.

[somechick99]

Criticism and judgment. What else should I expect seeking input from a public forum. Thought it was a better option than burdening him. Sorry that I don't have all my ducks in a row and should know how to automatically support someone while they are grieving. Forget that I ever said anything.

 

Yes it's normal for him to be depressed and closed off after a death...but just because you should be there for someone you love during hard times doesn't mean you should feel neglected and put up with a terrible sex life. Your needs are still just as important as his regardless of what he's going through. I personally suggest being there for him as a friend, but breaking it off for the time being. Tell him if he needs someone to talk to you're always there, but if he's putting porn over sex with you then that is not selfish of you to be offended by. I swear men get so defensive and angry when women point out the damages porn causes to relationships. I get that he's grieving and is depressed but no one is obligated to stick around in a relationship where their needs are not only not being met, but not taken into account at all. Has nothing to do with "ego issues." Good luck and hopefully you'll find someone who handles depression in a way that doesn't hurt the relationship should a similar incident happen

[BeeperLou]

Well, in the few hours of this thread I had a conversation with my boyfriend. It went well. I took everyone's advice, and shared with him my thoughts and even apologized if my efforts to address our romance/sexual lives was selfish; he doesn't believe I am being selfish or egoistic. He thinks I shouldn't be feeling as insecure as I am, so I guess as things improve and as we move forward in this season I will have to fight against negative self-thoughts. But he listened, acknowledged my feelings and concerns, and stated he would start putting effort to maintain our relationship. He said he is glad we could have an honest conversation versus letting it build up into an argument that would have resulted in the termination of our relationship. I'm not sure what provoked him to finally hear me despite my previous efforts to communicate. I appreciate everyone's input.

[KantSleep]

Your BF shut down, starting drinking and doing drugs - after the death of his mother. He doesn't want sex - for four months now, and you are being beaten up for this by other posters. I am with you. I am not impressed with your BF''s behavior. He should care enough about the two of you to at least seek therapy to get his life back on track. Instead he wallows in self-pity, ignores you and gets off on porn. I lost both my parents and I never acted this way. And yes, I loved them. Sorry you are going through this. He needs professional help.

[j.man]

I am not impressed with your BF''s behavior.

KantSleep is not impressed.

[ThatwasThen]

Well, in the few hours of this thread I had a conversation with my boyfriend. It went well. I took everyone's advice, and shared with him my thoughts and even apologized if my efforts to address our romance/sexual lives was selfish; he doesn't believe I am being selfish or egoistic. He thinks I shouldn't be feeling as insecure as I am, so I guess as things improve and as we move forward in this season I will have to fight against negative self-thoughts. But he listened, acknowledged my feelings and concerns, and stated he would start putting effort to maintain our relationship. He said he is glad we could have an honest conversation versus letting it build up into an argument that would have resulted in the termination of our relationship. I'm not sure what provoked him to finally hear me despite my previous efforts to communicate. I appreciate everyone's input.

once again communication with the subject of the OP,s thread saves the day.

 

People ought to do more of that

 

What made him listen this time? I'd say because you made it less about YOU and more about the both of you.

[BeeperLou]

You're a very negative, judgmental person. I wholeheartedly shared my concerns, and he listened. That doesn't say I made it less about me, it says he stopped and listened. Making you look like a bad person, not him.

[ThatwasThen]

Sorry to offend but there is no negativity only voicing how you came across in your opening post. Your opening post was very one sided all about you not getting sex and not much more when your husband is grieving. I suspect that you changed your tone and how you explained your concerns from the way you had been previously, after reading this thread. Even in the above post (21) you are determined to not have any blame in how things have not gone your way. He's not a bad person, not in the least so I'm flummoxed as to why you would have to say he isn't???? He's a man who is grieving the loss of his mother. I can see that and I'm hoping you realize that he will have lost his enthusiasm to perform sexually when depressed however, he has not lost his sexual drive hence the masturbation.

It's, IMO, concerning that you were getting upset when watching fictional drama about couples displaying intimacy when you know why your husband hasn't been showing you any. That isn't something most people feel when there is a good reason for the decline in libido.

 

 

Anyway: The bottom line is that he listened. Now, all he has to do is actually follow through with anything he's told you that has made you feel less angst. Give him some slack as he works through his grief if it takes him longer to come around then your expectations permit.

 

I hope he processes his grief soon. He'll be grieving an infidelity or a broken relationship if he doesn't it would seem since you've admitted that you were actually contemplating stepping out on him due to his current state.

 

Good luck going forth.